Posted by SLS on April 24, 2009, at 7:35:41
In reply to Re: I feel absolutely unvalued, disregarded, taken for » SLS, posted by obsidian on April 23, 2009, at 22:30:36
Hi.
Someone here once said regarding pessimism, "I think things are good mostly, but some things suck."
Your job sucks. Some people are lucky enough to work at a job that fulfills their passions. Perhaps you need to find passion. You won't find it at your present job, but perhaps a hobby? In my twenties, I couldn't keep a job because of depression. I received no affirmations or fulfillment in employment during this time. The thing that made working worthwhile was that it paid the bills. With paid bills, I could then join a gym and start bodybuilding. Bodybuilding was the passion from which I found satisfaction and fulfillment. You need to find reward somewhere. More recently I have found reward in taking photographs. I have a pretty good eye. I can proudly mount my photos in my apartment. They are pleasing. I did that. I am always being complemented on my photos, so I am often rewarded with affirmations and acceptance.
The reason I asked about your feeling different from everyone else was that this feeling resonates with how I felt for such a long time. Your words were perfect: "...like there's a party going on that I'm not invited to..." Even when I was invited, I felt that the real party was being part of an exclusive club of which I was not a member. I felt alone in that I never felt that I belonged anywhere. I did not feel accepted or approved of. I set myself up so that my self-esteem was dependent on how popular I was. Since I never felt popular, I had very little self-esteem, despite my possessing attributes that I knew were valuable. My self-esteem came from how I *thought* I saw myself in the eyes of others. *I* thought I was not good enough to be part of a party. I only found out later that people did consider me popular. By this time, the importance of this fact was not the popularity, but that I really wasn't much good at seeing myself through the eyes of others AND that it was no longer necessary to bolster my self-esteem by defining myself by what others thought of me.
I was truly alone for an extended period of time. My depression was severe enough to keep me paralyzed and motionless on a couch. I was a shut-in for over a decade. I had no choice but to nurture my self-esteem by seeing myself through my own eyes. I found this to be much less of an effort than to try to please every single person in the rest of the world. I really needed to please only one person.
The more work I invested in myself in self-improvement, the more pleased I became. When I succeeded, I was pleased. When I failed, I learned to be pleased that I could allow myself to be human. In addition, I assumed the posture that from failure comes understanding. I learned to learn from both successes and failures. The only failure is the failure to try. Even this is not really a failure. I believe that most of us are *always* doing the best that we can, even when we do nothing. If I fail to try, it is because I am not in a space that is conducive to trying, whether that be physically or psychologically. I have learned not to beat myself up. Instead, I parent myself. I suppose a cynic would say that I have designed a no-lose scenario. Yup, I sure have.
The above is true babble. I'm not even going to bother reviewing it for editing. I am pleased with the way I feel for having written it, even if it sucks.
- Scott
poster:SLS
thread:892032
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090421/msgs/892499.html