Posted by Ame Sans Vie on September 5, 2003, at 17:32:18
In reply to Re: Drunk and stoned » Sebastian, posted by Arrianna on September 5, 2003, at 0:29:34
I've had ADHD all my life, and occasional depression, but when I was about 11 or 12 the symptoms of social anxiety started to creep up on me and got pretty bad, really quickly. That was eight years ago that it all started coming on, and I can almost guarantee that my past substance abuse from the ages of 14-18, LSD in particular, had an effect on my illness. My social anxiety was always gradually becoming worse from age 12 on, so it's hard to say for sure, but the drugs either made my problems worse, sped up the process of becoming ill, or both. I was fine when I'd do hallucinogens by myself, but with other people around, even my closest friends in the world, I would become very paranoid... wondered what they were thinking about me... wondered if they had any ulterior motives. Hell, I even become a bit paranoid on freaking *Ecstasy*!!
I love tryptamine and phenethylamine psychedelics so much though, and I just couldn't turn them as long as they were available, which was always -- regardless of the fact that I knew I'd have my usual neurotic, paranoid trip. Masochistic in a way, huh? I would always just try to grin and bear it until I reached total ego dissolution and the world no longer existed for several millenia (well, hours in real world time, lol). But all the times I've done LSD, psilocybe mushrooms, peyote, 2C-B, 2C-H, DMT, 5-MeO-DMT, AMT, 5-MeO-AMT, DiPT, MiPT, and various others, that paranoia just engrained itself permanently into my mind.
For about nine months when I was 17, my best friend and I became roommates. Everyday was a party... his parents were loaded, lol. But I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back -- constantly being in a psychedelic haze around dozens of people whom I don't know at all, don't know very well, or am very good friends with but am still totally paranoid... what a mess, lol. During that nine months I began to become "antisocial". I never wanted to go out to the clubs or bars when everyone else did and I was *extremely* moody all the time. My friend moved out because of that. I just woke up to a note one morning that simply said he couldn't stand all the constant ups and downs. He thought I was bipolar, but it apparently was just the situation I was in that was causing the highs and lows. I mean, what did he expect would happen if he kept seemingly endless supplies of psychedelics, cocaine, pills, ice, weed, hash, PCP, Ketalar, DXM, etc etc etc just basically lying around the house?
So my moods stabilized when I moved back in with my parents in June 2001, and that's when the agoraphobia hit me like a ton of bricks. I had already been trying medication after medication ever since I was 13, but two years ago was when the really aggressive treatment began. I still do psychedelics occasionally (three or four times a year, tops), but for legitimate religious purposes. And yes, I make sure to use them only when I'm alone, lol.
Well, sorry for rambling on all this time, but I just felt a compulsion to respond in detail, lol.
poster:Ame Sans Vie
thread:257119
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20030903/msgs/257389.html