Posted by Lindsay Rae on December 22, 2003, at 22:39:12
In reply to Re: Xanax or Ativan....thoughts please » Lindsay Rae , posted by squids on December 22, 2003, at 16:29:47
>Actually, Chris had ADHD, and that's why the Xanax made him feel focused and energetic, while most get the opposite effect. Knowing that he had it, though, he never sought treatment for it. Maybe that would have helped him, but I think his disease was too consuming for it to matter. When I was in kindergarten and then again in second grade, I was sent to a psychiatrist because I "daydreamed" a lot. I'd always have to ask the person next to me what the directions were since I wasn't paying attention. ADD? Maybe, but that was long before they started diagnosing every kid with it and prescribing Ritalin for kids who didn't necessarily need it. I don't know if I have it, but I do have trouble concentrating and sticking to one task. For example, if I'm making my bed, I'll do ten other things in between and maybe never get back to the original task. Is that typical of someone with ADD?
So you mentioned that you are living on disability--were you being facetious or are you really able to do that? I don't want to live off of the system forever, but Medicaid would help a lot, so I could at least see a real Psychiatrist and be properly diagnosed. My family thinks I'm just lazy, but I've had problems for a long time, and I've self medicated too much. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get off of the Methadone. I think I've done irreversable damage to my normal opiate receptors to the point where the neurons can't fire properly without the medication. I have a baby who is growing quickly and will soon have questions. I want to be cheerful and constructive, but it shouldn't be this much work.
Now that her daddy has died, do you think I'll be able to get those benefits I couldn't get before, because my $150/week job was too much, and my rejection letter stated that I have "No Medical Expenses." I only stated that I had no UNPAID medical bills, but when I went to see the case worker, she kept saying, "that case is closed now. If you want to reapply, you'll have to go through the whole process again..." Where I live it is racially biased, and I don't throw that term around loosely. Basically, if you are white, the case workers (none of which speak fluent English) are very unaccomodating.
Chris and I would have ended up in one of those crack motels too if it weren't for his dad, who helped me pay the stores to whom I had written the bad checks and paid for my Methadone among other things. Luckily, I got pregnant in January of 2002, so I couldn't join Chris in his drug escapades anymore. Just prior to the pregnancy I was shooting crack and cocaine with him every night at the dealers motel. One night, he even made me crawl out the bedroom window and drive 25 minutes at 2 am to get more, even though I didn't want to do it anymore. But ever since the baby was born and we lived six hours apart, he was obsessed with the idea that we would be a real family...he so badly wanted us to lead a normal life. But the drugs got him anyway. I still wait for him to call; it's getting harder to accept that I'll never see him again.
Anyway, any answers you can give me about disability and medicaid would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks,
LindsayYeah wow! I'm really sorry you went through all that, but thank's for sharing.
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> I too am college educated and pretty smart. Physics degree from UofMichigan and a well paying job as a computer systems analyst. All my intelligence and education didn't help though. The addiction just kept growing.
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> I was actually a functioning heroin addict for some 3 years, held a steady job although all my money went to support my habit which was sky high by then. Then I started doing crack too and that's when the bottom fell out. Cause now I wasn't making enough to pay rent and support 2 drug habits. I did the same things like writing bad checks, pawning/selling everything I owned. Getting into trouble. One day my car got towed and the money to get it out of impound was needed for my next fix. And I was already into my dealer for some $2000. So I never got it out and eventually it was auctioned off. And the fucked up thing was I considered all my behavior at the time perfectly sane and normal. I still shudder when I think back to those times. Especially at the end right before I got clean when I was broke and homeless and living in cheap crack hotels.
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> The funny thing is I come from a good middle-class asian family with every opportunity for education and success in life. I believe the years of depression took a toll on my self-esteem while the untreated ADD prevented me from doing so many things. The statistics are something like 50-60% untreated adult ADDers turn to substance abuse.
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> Right now, recovery is a long difficult process. I admit I still think about trying opiates now and then, but overall the ritalin/klonopin combination seems to be working pretty well to keep me stable and functioning; and I have no desire to return to that street life.
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> My self esteem is returning, but still pretty low. I mean when someone professional asks me what I do, what do I tell them? "I'm a drug addict living on state disability"? Not. I usually mumble something about being a contractor who's in between contracts at the moment.
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> I started taking a computer class recently and that's helped a lot. It's interesting and I feel productive doing it. The ritalin is helping a lot in allowing me to keep my focus.
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> Lindsay,
> Not to pry into your personal affairs, but have you ever been evaluated for ADD. The stuff you mention about self esteem and inability to achive goals rings a bell.
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> Best wishes,
> mike
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poster:Lindsay Rae
thread:290969
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031208/msgs/292595.html