Posted by Susan47 on July 4, 2005, at 20:19:33
What is it? Is addiction when you can't spend a day without your stuff? Is it what happens when you need your stuff to elevate your mood in spite of AD's? Is it when you know you're damaging your short-term memory, you're starting to feel the effects of that more often than not. God I never, never ever thought this could happen.. what a disgrace. I'm a bloody disgrace, I've disgraced myself and everybody who knows me just knows there's something wrong with me, and I have to keep up a front all the time, at work, nobody knows I do this every day and if they did I'd be watched so closely life wouldn't be worth it. I hate what I'm doing to myself, what I did and I can't stop doing. Why am I doing this, why? I just have to rant and rave about this, I have to hate myself for doing this to me. And even when I know this damage is probably happening to my brain, my life is still a hundred thousand times better than it ever has been, which is awful, just awful to know. I hate all of it, all of it, I can't stand it I really just want to drown my feelings, but I don't because if I do life'll be just like it was before, when there was nothing and no one to hope for.
poster:Susan47
thread:523500
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20050602/msgs/523500.html