Posted by James K on February 5, 2006, at 2:01:50
I don't won't to bring down social right now, and this is more than Psychology or meds. But I don't want it to be all about alcohol.
After a night of watching the fights with my wife (she likes them too UFC), and I'm on the last 2 inches of 6 Bass mixed with 6 Guiness, and have no desire to stop and no possibility of getting more, I admitted the obvious to my wife.
I want to go into the hospital. I had one of the worst episodes in my life less than 2 weeks ago, and it means nothing to me. For those not in the know, I self destructed in public, on my way on foot to check in. It's all gone. I don't give crap one. Intelectually that's scary. I'm scarred for life and I'm just moving on. I know better something is going on inside. I may be in more danger than ever, or I may be more of a danger than ever. Tonight is the fourth? time I've been drunk since then. I'd gone a month with less intake before that. I'm scared of myself. towards myself.
I have lasik eye surgery scheduled for next week. with pre and follow up appointments directly around. I want to get through that time and go somewhere safe. I need to fill in my best friend. I need to stay in control. I give so little crap about this thing I walk around in. \\
Hospitalization and violence are so wrapped up with each other in my mind and history, I could kill someone. I could end up in restraints. I could hurt myself real bad. They aren't always safe places. But real life may not stay safe for me. Truth. real life went so Alic in Wonderland 2 mondays ago. I'm not full of sh*t, and I don't tell stories to get reaction. I may be in soon. I wan't to make it from here to there. Music, Stereo, guitar, beer?, god keep me safe.
I'm going to post. Please listen, because typing this may be the closest to honesty I can achieve while I go through this.
Jmaes k
poster:James K
thread:606486
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20051211/msgs/606486.html