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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cheryl on February 8, 2000, at 18:16:10
Please someone out there relate to me. Please someone who is where I am at. Please relate to me. I have been off work for three weeks getting better. I have till Monday morning to be better. I am not better.I would rather die than go back there. I am supposed to go to day patient treatment @ The same place I had inpatient treatment last week. This morning I decided that I would rather die than go there. I stayed Here @ home in my self made prison. They turned off the water I got it turned back on they turned off the electricity I got it turned back on. Now I have HOT CHECKS!!!!!I have to borrow money from mom and dad now.Then they can bail poor Cheryl, who is mentally ill and cant go to work out again. I had almost rather bounce the checks, Or as you guessed it , I had almost rather die.
I am hanging on by a thread here. That stupid hospital is not helping me. What it all boils down to is that my life sucks and I do not have the will power or gumption to do a damn thing about it. Even if I did I think I would just rather die. I am sick of hospitals and drs and thearapists and meds and high hopes and empty promicises is there any person out there who is where I am at? Maybe we can be miserable together.
Cheryl
Posted by Carolyn on February 8, 2000, at 19:13:23
In reply to MY PERSONAL CELL IN HELL, posted by Cheryl on February 8, 2000, at 18:16:10
Lots of people can relate to you. Don't give up! Who says you have til Monday morning to be better? There are medications to help you...just be patient in finding the right one. Don't trust anyone elses promises...make your own promises (to keep on keeping on, for example) and then keep them! You can be better...you will get better. Just look at how many people use this website. We've all been (or are) there. Death is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. Look for a support group in your area.
Just don't give up! I will pray for you. Hope others are doing the same for me!
Posted by Sef on February 8, 2000, at 19:27:16
In reply to MY PERSONAL CELL IN HELL, posted by Cheryl on February 8, 2000, at 18:16:10
> Please someone out there relate to me. Please someone who is where I am at. Please relate to me. I have been off work for three weeks getting better. I have till Monday morning to be better. I am not better.I would rather die than go back there.
>The same thing happened to me, I was on short term disability from work and they gave me a month off, but when that month was nearing the end, I still was not well enough to return to work. I told my therapist that I had to have an extension. She contacted the human resources where I worked and they granted me another 3 weeks. Maybe your therapist can do the same for you. I was so deep into depression that it took 6 weeks for anti depressants to start working for me, I was about to give up, I didn't think anything or anyone could help me. Finally, when the meds did kick in it was a total miracle- I couldn't believe a pill could change the way I felt, mentally and physically, so dramatically. Are you on any medication?
>I am supposed to go to day patient treatment @ The same place I had inpatient treatment last week. This morning I decided that I would rather die than go there.
>If you are not happy with the therapists or the place you are going to - go somewhre else. It took going to a few different places for me before I found the right pdoc. If you go somewhere else, explain to them your situation and tell them you need an extension.
> I stayed Here @ home in my self made prison. They turned off the water I got it turned back on they turned off the electricity I got it turned back on. Now I have HOT CHECKS!!!!!I have to borrow money from mom and dad now.Then they can bail poor Cheryl, who is mentally ill and cant go to work out again. I had almost rather bounce the checks, Or as you guessed it , I had almost rather die.
>Don't feel guilty for letting your parents help you, I had to get help financially from mine too. Which do you think your parents would prefer, a dead daughter or helping you out? I personally believe that they would be devastated if you killed yourself and did not let them help you.
> I am hanging on by a thread here. That stupid hospital is not helping me. What it all boils down to is that my life sucks and I do not have the will power or gumption to do a damn thing about it.
>That was how I felt too, but seriously the right medication will give you back your will to fight and change your life. I know because that is what happened to me. The right med gave me back my ambition, the ability to enjoy things, the will to get out of bed, to get into the shower, to clean my apartment....to have a life again.
>Even if I did I think I would just rather die. I am sick of hospitals and drs and thearapists and meds and high hopes and empty promicises is there any person out there who is where I am at? Maybe we can be miserable together.
So was I until I found the right pdoc. Don't give up, there really is light at the end of the tunnel.
Cheryl
Posted by Cindy W on February 8, 2000, at 22:00:48
In reply to Re: MY PERSONAL CELL IN HELL, posted by Sef on February 8, 2000, at 19:27:16
> > Please someone out there relate to me. Please someone who is where I am at. Please relate to me. I have been off work for three weeks getting better. I have till Monday morning to be better. I am not better.I would rather die than go back there.
>
> >The same thing happened to me, I was on short term disability from work and they gave me a month off, but when that month was nearing the end, I still was not well enough to return to work. I told my therapist that I had to have an extension. She contacted the human resources where I worked and they granted me another 3 weeks. Maybe your therapist can do the same for you. I was so deep into depression that it took 6 weeks for anti depressants to start working for me, I was about to give up, I didn't think anything or anyone could help me. Finally, when the meds did kick in it was a total miracle- I couldn't believe a pill could change the way I felt, mentally and physically, so dramatically. Are you on any medication?
>
> >I am supposed to go to day patient treatment @ The same place I had inpatient treatment last week. This morning I decided that I would rather die than go there.
>
> >If you are not happy with the therapists or the place you are going to - go somewhre else. It took going to a few different places for me before I found the right pdoc. If you go somewhere else, explain to them your situation and tell them you need an extension.
>
> > I stayed Here @ home in my self made prison. They turned off the water I got it turned back on they turned off the electricity I got it turned back on. Now I have HOT CHECKS!!!!!I have to borrow money from mom and dad now.Then they can bail poor Cheryl, who is mentally ill and cant go to work out again. I had almost rather bounce the checks, Or as you guessed it , I had almost rather die.
>
> >Don't feel guilty for letting your parents help you, I had to get help financially from mine too. Which do you think your parents would prefer, a dead daughter or helping you out? I personally believe that they would be devastated if you killed yourself and did not let them help you.
>
> > I am hanging on by a thread here. That stupid hospital is not helping me. What it all boils down to is that my life sucks and I do not have the will power or gumption to do a damn thing about it.
>
> >That was how I felt too, but seriously the right medication will give you back your will to fight and change your life. I know because that is what happened to me. The right med gave me back my ambition, the ability to enjoy things, the will to get out of bed, to get into the shower, to clean my apartment....to have a life again.
>
> >Even if I did I think I would just rather die. I am sick of hospitals and drs and thearapists and meds and high hopes and empty promicises is there any person out there who is where I am at? Maybe we can be miserable together.
>
> So was I until I found the right pdoc. Don't give up, there really is light at the end of the tunnel.
> CherylCheryl, check out some of the posts on this board... a lot of people can really relate. I felt like offing myself until I finally found the right med, from the right pdoc. Life does get better.--Cindy W
Posted by torchgrl on February 9, 2000, at 1:32:36
In reply to Re: MY PERSONAL CELL IN HELL, posted by Cindy W on February 8, 2000, at 22:00:48
Cheryl,
I wound up taking "stress leave" from my last job for 3 months because I just couldn't go back--can you take any additional time as part of long-term disability through your work? If not, maybe you can start going back just a couple of days a week or something... It's hard enough dealing with depression without having to deal with work at the same time, I know.
I also understanding not being in a "place" where you feel you can take the steps that you need to to help yourself, as I have been there several times. I wish there was something magical I could say that would suddenly change that... Even if you feel like you "can't" go to the outpatient treatment, try to make yourself go--being in therapy was the only way I felt at all like I wasn't trying to do it all alone. And it's one action that you can take that can lead to helping you, even if it doesn't look like it right now. If the reason you don't want to go is that you don't like the people there, try to find another facility--I wound up finding a therapist that I liked who also had a sliding-scale fee at a community mental health center (look in the yellow pages).
I have not exactly been the over-achieving daughter (i.e. most gainfully employed one), and have been dealing with depression off and on for ages, and my parents have more than once had to help me out financially. I really hated that they did it, thought the same things about myself that you mention, and sometimes still do, but realise that your parents would much rather help you as much as they can than watch you suffer. It's hard sometimes to accept that we need a LOT of help at times--I'm very into being self-sufficient, so it drives me nuts.
I also get sick of dealing with the different meds, doctors etc; it's frustrating that there's not a systematic, guaranteed way to get to a better mental/emotional place. Many of us have been dealing with these issues much longer than any of us would have wanted to. I've even talked about that in therapy, that I'm tired of feeling broken and just want to be fixed, already! Just know that one of these days, you will find the right medication or combination to bring you back to feeling able to cope on your own and live your life again; you have to keep trying. I'm sure we'll all be thinking about you and hoping that things start looking better soon! This is a great place for support from people who are or have been in the same dark place that you are right now...
Posted by Noa on February 9, 2000, at 2:06:08
In reply to Re: MY PERSONAL CELL IN HELL, posted by torchgrl on February 9, 2000, at 1:32:36
I think the pressure of feeling like you have to be well by next week, is not good for you. It is important to take one day at a time.
I have had to be bailed out by my parents a lot. Sometimes, to make myself feel better about it I remind myself that they haven't had to pay for a wedding, which would have cost a ton of money and they had expected to have to do, as parents of daughters often do. It is kind of a cynical joke with myself, but it makes me laugh.
And, I have had a a feeling of not wanting to take the leap into HOPING that I will get better, because I have had som many disappointments over the years. I am now in a place where I am starting to feel better and it is scaring me because if I start to invest in this feeling better, and feeling hopeful about it all, what happens if it falls apart. The other night I got together with some friends and had a totally unqualified excellent time, throughly enjoying myself with no reservations. It was the first time that has happened in ages: wanting to get together, relaxing, laughing, letting go of the self consciousness, forgetting about being depressed, etc. So in the days that have followed, I have been in a grumpy mood, and I think it is because I am terrified. When I had a good time, I started to believe in my recovery, and that makes me anxious. So, I am still going one day at a time, still not sure if I can invest hope in continuing to get better. But I do hope, even with the fear, I am starting to hope. And trying to learn to deal with the idea that I might have relapses, but it doesn't mean the improvement is lost.
This has been a long winded way of telling you to go easy on yourself and take one step at a time. Finding the right professionals, and finding the right meds can take time. And depression takes time to heal.
Find a way to get out of the house. Check out some other day treatment programs. Tell yourself you are like an anthropologist, participant observer, going to your program to observe and learn something about how this group of professionals and patients function as a group. Maybe this will help get you in the door and cope with being there.
This is the end of the thread.
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