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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by harry b. on March 25, 2000, at 1:24:47
I said in an earlier post that I'm changing meds. Quitting
the Serzone and starting Effexor, keeping the Klonopin
and Lithium.I am discouraged. I have not worked for nearly 2 months.
The insurance company finally responded to my calls, saying
they hope to make a determination on my claim for short term
disability payments within a week.I was originally to be in the outpatient program for 2-3
weeks. Today was the end of my third week. The pdoc wants
me to continue with the program.I began to feel good,
safe and comfortable in the hospital. I also made friends
there. Now I'm back to where I started. I have
not even talked to any friends, in person or by phone, to tell
them about the hospitalization or day programI am not able to perform my duties at work yet. I know
I would miss days and screw up if I went back now,
would probably get fired.I'm beginning to feel as though a part of me does not
want to get well. That maybe I feel comfortable where I am,
that maybe the real me IS a lazy, ignorant, zoned out slug.I know for certain that I do not see the light at the end
of the tunnel. The tunnel is dark, it goes on forever, with
countless twists and turns. It's a very familiar place.
I don't know if I can leave it. I'm afraid of the light that
would mark it's end.Anyone felt like this before?
Posted by Tammy on March 25, 2000, at 2:07:41
In reply to The Tunnel, posted by harry b. on March 25, 2000, at 1:24:47
> I said in an earlier post that I'm changing meds. Quitting
> the Serzone and starting Effexor, keeping the Klonopin
> and Lithium.
>
> I am discouraged. I have not worked for nearly 2 months.
> The insurance company finally responded to my calls, saying
> they hope to make a determination on my claim for short term
> disability payments within a week.
>
> I was originally to be in the outpatient program for 2-3
> weeks. Today was the end of my third week. The pdoc wants
> me to continue with the program.
>
> I began to feel good,
> safe and comfortable in the hospital. I also made friends
> there. Now I'm back to where I started. I have
> not even talked to any friends, in person or by phone, to tell
> them about the hospitalization or day program
>
> I am not able to perform my duties at work yet. I know
> I would miss days and screw up if I went back now,
> would probably get fired.
>
> I'm beginning to feel as though a part of me does not
> want to get well. That maybe I feel comfortable where I am,
> that maybe the real me IS a lazy, ignorant, zoned out slug.
>
> I know for certain that I do not see the light at the end
> of the tunnel. The tunnel is dark, it goes on forever, with
> countless twists and turns. It's a very familiar place.
> I don't know if I can leave it. I'm afraid of the light that
> would mark it's end.
>
> Anyone felt like this before?
>
>
> sure do...I even wrote a poem about it!
But you need to know that the light is much better than the tunnel! You just need to get to it and feel it to know. So try to get there. You will truly like it better.
>
Abyss EdgeTeetering on the brink
of the mournful abyss.
Tormenting my own soul.
Insanity
driven to the edge...
the abyss opens wide
gaping
calling me inside.I almost fell
tippy toes
unbalanced spirit...beckoned by the voice within.No reason.
Too much reasoning.
With who?No, not tears...even worse.
For with myself I did converse.
The more I asked myself to stop...
the faster it whirred throughout my brain.
So close I viewed the word...insane.Stop!
wrestle, torment, tangle
Stop!
annoying grating verse
Stop!
The more I begged it made it worse.One grasp for help,
clinging to a thread of hope
the voice upon the other end
taught me this is how I cope.And only for a little while
would I need to linger here
teetering on the edge of the abyss.Now comes the time
slowly retreat
step by cautious step
to safer ground.
Abyss defeat.Once lost, now found.
His love will surround...if only I wait.
Be still. Old self be gone.
The lesson...so profound.Tammy ~ In memory of my Tanner Jason Tobac
2-14-00
Posted by Carolyn on March 25, 2000, at 11:24:04
In reply to Re: The Tunnel , posted by Tammy on March 25, 2000, at 2:07:41
Great poem, Tammy. Yes, Harry, most of us have probably been there...some of us more than once.
There is an end to the tunnel, even though you can't see it right now. I know because I've been there. I just found the tunnel's end most recently less than a week ago...and believe me, it can happen suddenly, almost overnight...so there may be hope just around the corner!
Hang in there...we're all cheering for you!
Carolyn
Posted by Noa on March 26, 2000, at 14:16:08
In reply to Re: The Tunnel , posted by Carolyn on March 25, 2000, at 11:24:04
Harry,
I think you need to get stable on a medication before you start to judge your status or think about returning to work, etc.
Posted by bob on March 26, 2000, at 15:18:29
In reply to The Tunnel, posted by harry b. on March 25, 2000, at 1:24:47
> I'm beginning to feel as though a part of me does not
> want to get well. That maybe I feel comfortable where I am,
> that maybe the real me IS a lazy, ignorant, zoned out slug.
>
> I know for certain that I do not see the light at the end
> of the tunnel. The tunnel is dark, it goes on forever, with
> countless twists and turns. It's a very familiar place.
> I don't know if I can leave it. I'm afraid of the light that
> would mark it's end.
>
> Anyone felt like this before?Pardon me for saying so, but I think folks are missing the point behind these last few statements.
Harry, my goal in life is to hit the Lotto big so I can move to Greenwich Village and be one of those people who never seem to be doing anything at all (a lot of those here in NYC) ... just turn into a complete slug. That's the ticket! What you're talking about reminds me a lot of Janice's "Is this depression?" thread ... about wanting to stay in bed, warm and snuggly all day and on. Your vision of this is quite a bit darker, but it's got the same "what's familiar is what's comfortable" ring to it. It's like some hallucinogenic quicksand, sucking you down and you're loving every minute of it.
You know the Who song "The Real Me"? That's what life on meds has been for me. After my second or third or fourth personality shift, I had to question whether there really was a "real me" at all. Now, after five or six more shifts, I realize that all of them have been expressions of different facets of me.
So yeah, the "lazy ignorant zoned out slug" is you, but it's not all of you by far. Besides, there's a bit of "lazy ignorant zoned out slug" in all of us -- you don't have that market cornered. Maybe you need to wallow in being a slug for a few more weeks or days or hours, but don't start planning your future by it.
The light at the end of the tunnel is going to mean opportunities and, therefore, risks. Go ahead and be a slug right now, but start planning for hitting the light. Even if it's just baby steps right now, get yourself pointed in a direction you'd like to head once you get out of the Tunnel and start getting whatever resources you can in place to help once you get there.
If you can start doing this, maybe the light won't be so frightening.
cheers,
bob
Posted by AprilA. on March 29, 2000, at 12:48:09
In reply to The Tunnel, posted by harry b. on March 25, 2000, at 1:24:47
Hi Harry-Are you feeling any better yet? I sometimes wonder if what's really wrong with me is just a lack of character rather than any real mental illness. In fact, I use that to torment myself on a regular basis. But if it was a character flaw, wouldn't I just relax and be a happy slug?? I tell myself that the fact that I refuse to accept it and keep trying is proof that it's not the "real me".
I think that lost in a tunnel feeling is pretty common in depression. I know I feel that way at times. The worst part is that during those times I can't remember ever feeling any other way. But it does end and I hope it ends soon for you. I hope you'll find the light soon and realize there are possibilities for you that you can't imagine now.
Maybe the effexor will do the trick for you.Anyway, I was thinking about you and wishing you well. I hope you'll let everyone know how you're doing soon. AprilA.
Posted by dove on March 30, 2000, at 8:57:27
In reply to The Tunnel, posted by harry b. on March 25, 2000, at 1:24:47
Hi Harry B, How are you hanging on? How is the med change going? That tunnel you speak of is a real beast. A taskmaster that keeps us in line, with fear and hopelessness. For me, I never get that over-night wake-up to the bright morning, every positive change is a gradual process. Slowly but surely, the tortoise won the race, unfortunately.
My thoughts are with you Harry B, keep us updated on your journey. We're traveling the same stretch of road, even if you can't see us. The morning light will come.
dove
Posted by Amanda S on March 30, 2000, at 23:49:39
In reply to Re: The Tunnel, posted by dove on March 30, 2000, at 8:57:27
Harry, I often wonder if God meant for me to be a nobody.Many times I feel so inadequate. Sometimes I feel lovable and there are times I am a slug. I can't help it. There is no motivation to perform any job. I am the mother of three wonderful boys and a fine husband. My husband is a very motivated person and I find myself jealous at times. I do know my illness is caused from a physical chemical imbalance, just like my late mothers' epilepsy. As I have gone through therapy, I have learned so much about my different moods that make me change from one person to the next. I am not a "Cybil" or "Two Faces of Eve".I am me a person who experiences a more profound way of expressing myself than an ordinary person. Maybe God gave us these flexible personalities as a gift because of our ability to be extremely artistic. Life would be boring if we were all alike. It sucks that we have to take meds to deal with these moods, but in our society today we can't cope without them . You will____ find the right medicine. take care
Posted by harry b. on March 31, 2000, at 20:41:38
In reply to Re: The Tunnel, posted by Amanda S on March 30, 2000, at 23:49:39
Thank you all for your kind replies. Today was the
end of 4 weeks of full days in the outpatient program.
They want me to get out and go back to the real
world but I'm not ready, so we agreed that I will
continue the program but only attend the morning
session, letting my afternoons free. I am not going
back to work yet. My therapist says she has noticed a
significant change in me the past 2 weeks. She says
I seem more alert and have a 'brighter' presence.
I can't see or feel this. In truth, I just feel drugged.
I'm afraid to leave the program because
a)it provides structure to my life and I feel
comfortable there
b)It's the only support system I've got. I still have
not spoken to anyone about my hospitalization and
ongoing treatment.I've been tapering the Serzone and increasing the
Effexor. Right now my meds are:Effexor 150mg
Serzone 300mg
Klonopin 4mg
Lithium 600mgI'll give the Effexor a chance but it does have some
undesirable side effects. No orgasms, decreased
libido, difficulty urinating, constipation.That's it for now. Thanks again and take care of
yourselves.harry b.
This is the end of the thread.
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