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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kellyR. on May 14, 2000, at 21:19:45
We I like to start off by saying happy mothers day to everyone,I've wrote on occasion about my mom & how she would abuse me,She had a drinking problem that would bring out the devil in her,she even tried to choke me.She never had anything nice to say about me.She even yelled at me for not crying when she told me about my father killing himself.
Well I never forgave her for all the shit she put me through,til this month I sent her a mothers day card for the frist time in my life,It was so hard to pick a card out,tring to find a card that said you put me through hell but happy mothers day,well after a long time i found a card that said "we been through some hard times but now is the time for forgiving" I forgot the rest but it sounded good.I don't think well ever be close,she still has alote of problems to deal w/ but i can say she hasn't had any drugs or a drink since she been in AA.(10yrs) THANK GOD
Posted by Chris A. on May 15, 2000, at 0:58:43
In reply to MoMMY DEARTEST, posted by kellyR. on May 14, 2000, at 21:19:45
kelly,
What a big step to take. You must have grown as a person to be able to choose to extend forgiveness to your Mom. I've found the choice to forgive to be very freeing. It's nice when I'm forgiven, too. I hope this brings to you a greater sense of well being.Blessings,
Chris A.
Posted by bob on May 15, 2000, at 5:42:08
In reply to Re: Forgiveness, posted by Chris A. on May 15, 2000, at 0:58:43
I'm glad Chris mentioned this ... I was thinking about it, too, and just couldn't find the right words. As cynical, retributive, and litiginous as society is nowadays, forgiveness is a rare commodity -- making it more difficult to offer and all the more precious when you can do it. I've read how being able to forgive shows how much we can get our lives out from being mired in the past. Finding the space in your heart to do this says a lot about how much progress you've made yourself and how much you have healed.
be well,
bob
Posted by Greg on May 15, 2000, at 7:54:21
In reply to MoMMY DEARTEST, posted by kellyR. on May 14, 2000, at 21:19:45
Kelly,
Your post really hit home with me. I too had a Mom who was an alcoholic (she passed away 7 years ago) and was verbally abusive to me. I never forgave her for what she put me thru. To be honest, I don't very often ever think of her on Mother's Day. It wasn't until the last year of her life that I took her Grandson to meet her, I didn't want to expose him to her. She did stop drinking during that final year but never attended AA. Being a recovering alcoholic myself, I was finally able to understand the living hell she went thru on a daily basis. I don't see this as an excuse for what she did, only an understanding of the disease. If your Mom is working a good program, there will come a day when she will need to "make amends" to the people she has hurt, and you will be on that list. Some of us never reach that point, so don't get your hopes up too high.I agree whole-heartedly with the others that the fact that you have taken this first step with your Mom shows the incredible growth you're showing and the monumental steps you're taking toward becoming a happy and healthly person. Even if the only thing that comes of it is a tolerance between the two of you, know in your heart that you did the right thing. Forgiveness is much easier to spell than it is to give.
Hugs,
Greg>
> We I like to start off by saying happy mothers day to everyone,I've wrote on occasion about my mom & how she would abuse me,She had a drinking problem that would bring out the devil in her,she even tried to choke me.She never had anything nice to say about me.She even yelled at me for not crying when she told me about my father killing himself.
> Well I never forgave her for all the shit she put me through,til this month I sent her a mothers day card for the frist time in my life,It was so hard to pick a card out,tring to find a card that said you put me through hell but happy mothers day,well after a long time i found a card that said "we been through some hard times but now is the time for forgiving" I forgot the rest but it sounded good.I don't think well ever be close,she still has alote of problems to deal w/ but i can say she hasn't had any drugs or a drink since she been in AA.(10yrs) THANK GOD
Posted by dove on May 15, 2000, at 10:07:45
In reply to Re: MoMMY DEARTEST, posted by Greg on May 15, 2000, at 7:54:21
A big hug going out to you (((Kelly))). You are a very brave and courageous woman to take that HUGE step in reaching out to your mom. I just want to encourage you for your bravery, and support your efforts to find peace in your own heart. You're a very special woman Kelly! I send my blessings with my best wishes. Take care of yourself and thank you so much for sharing your life with us.
dove
Posted by Noa on May 15, 2000, at 17:57:31
In reply to Re: MoMMY DEARTEST, posted by Greg on May 15, 2000, at 7:54:21
> Kelly,
> Wow. That is so cool. I am glad you found such an appropriate card, too.I often find myself searching for a card that isn't too mushy, which would not be genuine for me, not sarcastically humorous, either, etc. What I have always noticed is how many people seem to be standing there having a hard time finding the right card. It is so complex.
Interestingly, this year, I was in the drugstore on both Thursday and Friday, and noticed the folks choosing the Mothers' Day cards, but had a sort of dissociated experience when I saw them. Since I was in the store for something unrelated to Mothers Day cards, when I walked by them, I remember thinking "oh, yeah, the reason so many people are at the card section is because of Mother's Day." But somehow the Mother's Day part didn't sink in and fully register with me. I mean, I knew it was coming up real soon, but somehow I had this feeling it didn't affect me. You see, there are many holidays when I see people choosing cards and the holiday doesn't affect me. I am aware at those times of the holiday, but feel apart from it, not in a bad way, just enjoying taking note of my fellow citizens' celebrating their holidays, but feeling "exempt" in a way. So, that is how I felt when I saw people buying cards for Mother's Day, kind of relating to it as though it were "their" holiday and not mine.
Oops! So I wake up Sunday morning and realize it is Mothers Day and I haven't sent a card and then I remember this whole wierd way of relating to it on Thursday and Friday. I think (sorry, bob, gonna get psychodynamic on ya here), it was more than a silly little space-out thing. I think it is probably significant that I felt myself somehow "exempt" from Mothers Day obligations. Is it a wish? An avoidance of the conflicting/ambivalent feelings I have toward my mother? Perhaps at this point it is best described as feeling awkward because at the moment, my mother is being quite kind to me of late, and I have been quite honest with her about my condition. This is so new, and while I am incredibly grateful to her, this detente is rather new. Even with the detente, it is unlikely that I will allow myself to truly be vulnerable to her. I really don't expect her to be reliably supportive in an emotional way. She is supportive in her way, helping out financially, offering advice, passing on info she comes across, etc. In other words, while things between us are positive, it isn't like we are going to be "close". And I guess in a way, I have forgiven her, but know her limitations, too. For many years our relationship has been friendly but superficial. Before that there was a great deal of bitterness on both our parts. Growing up, our relationship was difficult. She was rather unpredictable. Sometimes kind and funny, often verbally cruel. In retrospect, I see a mood disorder, perhaps in part due to a thyroid condition, which finally became acute when she was around 50. In large part, probably due to traumas her family experienced that nobody ever talks about (a brother killed by a truck when my mother was an infant; grandfather's loss of family members in the holocaust, and his subsequent depression and self-medication with alcohol).
Anyway, I went out and bought a card yesterday, and will send it out in the morning. A bit late, oh well. Late with the paperwork is pretty consistent with my overall functioning.
Posted by bob on May 15, 2000, at 20:15:25
In reply to Re: MoMMY DEARTEST, posted by Noa on May 15, 2000, at 17:57:31
> Anyway, I went out and bought a card yesterday, and will send it out in the morning. A bit late, oh well....
... and despite what they claim, those internet flower services can't necessarily deliver instantaneously either ....
aCk! 8*P
bob
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