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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dancer on August 11, 2000, at 9:04:00
Good morning everyone:
I'll start out by saying that I'm not depressed and never have been. I'm not sure if this is the right forum for my concerns to be voiced but I just need a little advice.
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful, kind man for 5 years. He has had major depressive episodes on and off for about 3 of those 5 years. He is trying to cope with one right now and I always feel inadequate and helpless when he goes through this. I know it is not about me but I want to be of some use to him. These episodes do put a strain on our relationship because he gets so down on himself and feels he doesn't deserve to have anyone love him and pushes me as far away as he can. Sometimes he can be very hurtful in his attempts to drive me away. I know it is just his illness doing this to him but I would like to ask the advice of you who are depressed or have come through it what I should do? I have to admit that it is very hard on me but I have a good support system to lean on. Is there anything I can do for him or for us to make these recurring episodes easier on our relationship?
Thank you to any and all who reply
D
Posted by Kath on August 11, 2000, at 9:18:47
In reply to New Here, Hope you Don't mind Me Asking This, posted by Dancer on August 11, 2000, at 9:04:00
Hi Dancer - You're welcome here. I think you're very very kind, understanding and compassionate. I'm sure there are lots of people here who would just about kill for someone as supportive as you in their lives!!
What I need when I'm depressed is the following: I'll use my husband as an example. I need to know that he loves me and will love me no matter what problems I'm going through, even if it is hard for him to ride them out. I need to know he doesn't understand how I feel, but wants to support me in any way he can. If I were to push him away, I'd need to know that he knew what was goig on and was NOT going to let me succeed in pushing him away; that he might need to step back from me a little sometimes to avoid getting too hurt himself, but that he did love me immensely & wouldn't abandon me. I'd want him to talk to me about these things both during a depressive episode & also when I was NOT in a depressive episode. I'd want him to let me know that he knew my behaviour was sometimes out of my own control. I'd want him to tell me that he was going to take very good care of himself his feelings so that he could be strong for me. Once I was feeling better I might want him to make me a little cake or cupcake or buy a pie & put a candle on it or draw a happy face with icing & have it be a "so glad you're feeling better" celebration.
Just a few thoughts from someone who has anxiety & sometimes what is probably mild depression (although I might be minimizing!!)
Thanks for being such a caring person....he's really lucky!!!!!!!
Warm thoughts, Kath
> Good morning everyone:
> I'll start out by saying that I'm not depressed and never have been. I'm not sure if this is the right forum for my concerns to be voiced but I just need a little advice.
> I have been in a relationship with a wonderful, kind man for 5 years. He has had major depressive episodes on and off for about 3 of those 5 years. He is trying to cope with one right now and I always feel inadequate and helpless when he goes through this. I know it is not about me but I want to be of some use to him. These episodes do put a strain on our relationship because he gets so down on himself and feels he doesn't deserve to have anyone love him and pushes me as far away as he can. Sometimes he can be very hurtful in his attempts to drive me away. I know it is just his illness doing this to him but I would like to ask the advice of you who are depressed or have come through it what I should do? I have to admit that it is very hard on me but I have a good support system to lean on. Is there anything I can do for him or for us to make these recurring episodes easier on our relationship?
> Thank you to any and all who reply
> D
Posted by dj on August 11, 2000, at 11:42:43
In reply to Welcome » Dancer, posted by Kath on August 11, 2000, at 9:18:47
>Is there anything I can do for him or for us to make these recurring episodes easier on our >relationship?
Some suggestions from: http://www.undoingdepression.com/faq.html
"7. How can loved ones help a depressed person?
What the depressed person needs most is understanding, patience and acceptance from those close to him. I have a self-help group that meets every week. We have put together a fine list of how loved ones can help:
Try to be considerate, thoughtful, and empathetic. If your spouse had a broken leg, you would expect that their abilities and energy would be restricted, that they would be in pain, and that they can't heal themselves more quickly just because you want them to. Think about depression the same way.
Don't be provocative. Every relationship has the little hot buttons that can start a fight at any time. Dirty socks on the floor, the remote control misplaced, the car low on gas. You know what your partner's buttons are. Don't push them while he/she is in a depressed state.
Small acts of kindness are appreciated, and do help, even if the recipient doesn't reciprocate. When I retreat to bed, my wife makes a point of breaking in to kiss me good night. Even though I sometimes don't act very glad to see her, I would feel worse, lonely and unloved, without her attention.
Easing your partner's burden in small ways can help a great deal. Offer to do the shopping, empty the garbage, do the laundry, take the kids out for pizza. It communicates more than words the feeling that you understand how difficult these mundane chores can seem at times.
"Advance directives" can be a contract loved ones arrange while the sufferer is not depressed, describing what to do when depression sets in. It can be in stages: stage 1 - leave me alone; stage 2 - be kind, patient, and attentive; stage 3 - insist I call my therapist; stage 4 - take me to the hospital. One patient loses her ability to see color when depression sets in. From experience, she has learned to let her husband know when this happens, because she won't let him know when it gets worse.
Take the trouble to educate yourself. Learn all you can about depression. Be willing to talk to your friend's therapist. It is amazing how seeing information in print, or hearing from an authority, can change your perspective. Learning the facts helps you help your friend, and also shows that you care enough to take some trouble."
From a quick scan of what Kath wrote this seems to match and you are doing the educate yourself route. Having hung in as long as you have is a very good sign. The sight cited above and the book it comes from offer some very good insights into the dynamics of depression from the perspective of someone who deals with it both personally and as a mental health care profesional.
Sante!
dj
Posted by shar on August 11, 2000, at 13:01:41
In reply to Re: Welcome, posted by dj on August 11, 2000, at 11:42:43
I will agree with all of the above. When I was married there was nothing my spouse could really do to help. I suppose to me, listening without trying to fix things would be really helpful.
Occasionally, if someone gently nudges me to just get out of bed and come and watch tv, I appreciate it as long as there is no hidden agenda that I should be effusive, or happy with them and forget I'm depressed.
Another thing that would work for me was distraction. Like playing cards, or something I usually enjoyed. I might even feel "up" while that was happening, but (in my house) there was the expectation that any up behavior meant I was no longer depressed--not true. So, people would end up getting pissed off at me.
I think it would be hell to live with someone like me. I don't know that anyone could do it (long term) without getting depressed themselves.
You are a very loving, caring person to take these steps, and you are welcome here.
Shar
> >Is there anything I can do for him or for us to make these recurring episodes easier on our >relationship?
>
> Some suggestions from: http://www.undoingdepression.com/faq.html
>
> "7. How can loved ones help a depressed person?
>
> What the depressed person needs most is understanding, patience and acceptance from those close to him. I have a self-help group that meets every week. We have put together a fine list of how loved ones can help:
>
> Try to be considerate, thoughtful, and empathetic. If your spouse had a broken leg, you would expect that their abilities and energy would be restricted, that they would be in pain, and that they can't heal themselves more quickly just because you want them to. Think about depression the same way.
>
> Don't be provocative. Every relationship has the little hot buttons that can start a fight at any time. Dirty socks on the floor, the remote control misplaced, the car low on gas. You know what your partner's buttons are. Don't push them while he/she is in a depressed state.
>
> Small acts of kindness are appreciated, and do help, even if the recipient doesn't reciprocate. When I retreat to bed, my wife makes a point of breaking in to kiss me good night. Even though I sometimes don't act very glad to see her, I would feel worse, lonely and unloved, without her attention.
>
> Easing your partner's burden in small ways can help a great deal. Offer to do the shopping, empty the garbage, do the laundry, take the kids out for pizza. It communicates more than words the feeling that you understand how difficult these mundane chores can seem at times.
>
> "Advance directives" can be a contract loved ones arrange while the sufferer is not depressed, describing what to do when depression sets in. It can be in stages: stage 1 - leave me alone; stage 2 - be kind, patient, and attentive; stage 3 - insist I call my therapist; stage 4 - take me to the hospital. One patient loses her ability to see color when depression sets in. From experience, she has learned to let her husband know when this happens, because she won't let him know when it gets worse.
>
> Take the trouble to educate yourself. Learn all you can about depression. Be willing to talk to your friend's therapist. It is amazing how seeing information in print, or hearing from an authority, can change your perspective. Learning the facts helps you help your friend, and also shows that you care enough to take some trouble."
>
> From a quick scan of what Kath wrote this seems to match and you are doing the educate yourself route. Having hung in as long as you have is a very good sign. The sight cited above and the book it comes from offer some very good insights into the dynamics of depression from the perspective of someone who deals with it both personally and as a mental health care profesional.
>
> Sante!
>
> dj
Posted by Dancer on August 11, 2000, at 13:54:39
In reply to Re: Welcome to PB, posted by shar on August 11, 2000, at 13:01:41
Thank you so much for the gracious welcome. I appreciate all the advice. I must admit to "Shar" that I do feel quite depressed when James(that's his name) is in one of his episodes. I want to spend time with him so we end up sitting on the couch watching television all day or I bring him his meals in the bedroom when all he wants to do is sleep. These episodes are lasting longer everytime though and I'm feeling like some medication might do me some good too. He has been on Effexor, Luvox, Serzone and Celexa. Each one has had the same effect on his depression. It works but he stops taking it as soon as he feels better. Then a few months down the road, the longest has been 8 months, he is right back where he started. I wish he could be on something longterm but I think it's therapy that he needs not medication. I am in a codependent group at the local college that meets every week so I am dealing with my role and trying to just let him be who he is but it is very hard. I want to make him feel better but I'm learning that I can't. He must do that. I will help any way I can but I suppose it is still up to him.
I must thank you all for your kind words of support and advice.
I wish you all well.
D
Posted by Kath on August 11, 2000, at 13:57:39
In reply to Re: Welcome to PB, posted by Dancer on August 11, 2000, at 13:54:39
Hi Dancer - I'm glad you're in a codependent group. I go to CoDependents Anonymous & it's of enourmous help to me. Take care of yourself & post any time you want to.
Kath
> Thank you so much for the gracious welcome. I appreciate all the advice. I must admit to "Shar" that I do feel quite depressed when James(that's his name) is in one of his episodes. I want to spend time with him so we end up sitting on the couch watching television all day or I bring him his meals in the bedroom when all he wants to do is sleep. These episodes are lasting longer everytime though and I'm feeling like some medication might do me some good too. He has been on Effexor, Luvox, Serzone and Celexa. Each one has had the same effect on his depression. It works but he stops taking it as soon as he feels better. Then a few months down the road, the longest has been 8 months, he is right back where he started. I wish he could be on something longterm but I think it's therapy that he needs not medication. I am in a codependent group at the local college that meets every week so I am dealing with my role and trying to just let him be who he is but it is very hard. I want to make him feel better but I'm learning that I can't. He must do that. I will help any way I can but I suppose it is still up to him.
>
> I must thank you all for your kind words of support and advice.
> I wish you all well.
> D
Posted by Rach on August 12, 2000, at 5:28:57
In reply to New Here, Hope you Don't mind Me Asking This, posted by Dancer on August 11, 2000, at 9:04:00
Welcome Dancer!
(I'm in a bit of a hurry, so I haven't read all of the other posts. Sorry if I rehash)
The great thing about PB is that it is a forum for everything surrounding depression (and some things that are totally unrelated). I read your post to Kath, and I'm sure you will be a very helpful and insightful addition to the group!Whilst not married, I used to live on campus at University with my boyfriend. It was very hard for him, trying to deal with me sleeping all day, having sobbing episodes all night etc...
The main thing I have to say is do not pressure your husband to do anything. Give him a few nudges, but if he gives you a definitive No, then let him be. Give him some space. Also, continue to give him support. Reassure him - keep telling him how much you love him, that he is very important to you, that he is a special person who is intelligent/sexy/hard working (whatever he tends to need to hear). I'm fairly sure that you are doing all this already. Just try to keep it up. When he is feeling okay, just remind him to sometimes give you some support, whether it is simply telling you he loves you. Gently remind him, when he is at a level point, that you also rely on his love.
Also, take time for yourself. Make sure that whilst you are caring for him, you are caring for yourself. Maybe you could give yourself an entire day a week, or a couple of afternoons a week, to take time out. Go shopping, see a movie, gossip with friends - do what you need to do to feel appreciated and alive. This will probably help you and prevent you from getting 'association depression'. Make sure you are in a happy and stable place within yourself, from which you can then base your aid for your husband.
It is very very hard, as I'm sure you know. Best of luck, I hope you and your husband find the peace you are striving for.
Rachael
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