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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Autumn Despotis on June 6, 2001, at 22:36:42
I feel so miserable, like dying. It's really bad today. I just can't imagine feeling any worse at this point. That insurance policy said it didn't cover suicide. Fuck heads, But if it looked like an accident, it would pay off. "If I had a million dollars...." Then he could have whatever he wanted. But do I really want to be dead? I imagine suicide=hell, but it seems like most of this life is hell to begin with. I am so far down in this black hole, there seems to be no way out. I probably need to listen to Nine Inch Nails music and make myself even more suicidal. Yeah, that's it. I'll do that. Maybe. I don't even feel like hearing music. My head is pounding so hard, like millions of militia men marching through in some psychotic syncopated rhythm. They're out to get me, I suppose. But then, aren't they all? What is it about me that makes these people react the way they do? I may be the only sane one, I seriously doubt that, though. But I need help, help and more help. My mind is flying around Jupiter somewhere. I can't believe I'm getting worse. I don't want to go back to that hell hole they call Baylife. It's worse than death, or even wanting to die. What if my dream comes true, though? I just don't know. I feel like the velvet underground cd with the Warhol cover is playing in my head. That psychiatrist paid absolutely no attention to me, really, he just kept handing me different drugs, not mentioning the horrific side effects, or the fact that with my med. History, I shouldn't even have been taking half of them. I wish I had taken all of them and gotten this fucking thing over with already. This new job is making my life an even greater hell. I'm afraid it will really push me over the edge. I need a new psychiatrist like yesterday. I pray that someone helps me, soon, someone who can understand this, before it's too late. I don't know where to turn. Please, God, anyone, hear me, I'm silently shrieking in pain and angst that has gone on too long. I can't go back to Baylife. I will die first. There must be some other solution. Will anyone ever understand this? I'm so scared right now. I wish i had enough drugs to do the job now, but I don't. That is scary. Actually, my OD attempts have always failed, maybe I was never serious enough. Maybe I'm not now. Maybe I just don't know. If anyone could just talk to me, my cell is 813-716-1068. If someone reads this and thinks they can help, please, do so.
Posted by Sliabh6 on June 6, 2001, at 23:14:11
In reply to Help me if you can, I'm feeling down., posted by Autumn Despotis on June 6, 2001, at 22:36:42
> I feel so miserable, like dying. It's really bad today. I just can't imagine feeling any worse at this point. That insurance policy said it didn't cover suicide. Fuck heads, But if it looked like an accident, it would pay off. "If I had a million dollars...." Then he could have whatever he wanted. But do I really want to be dead? I imagine suicide=hell, but it seems like most of this life is hell to begin with. I am so far down in this black hole, there seems to be no way out. I probably need to listen to Nine Inch Nails music and make myself even more suicidal. Yeah, that's it. I'll do that. Maybe. I don't even feel like hearing music. My head is pounding so hard, like millions of militia men marching through in some psychotic syncopated rhythm. They're out to get me, I suppose. But then, aren't they all? What is it about me that makes these people react the way they do? I may be the only sane one, I seriously doubt that, though. But I need help, help and more help. My mind is flying around Jupiter somewhere. I can't believe I'm getting worse. I don't want to go back to that hell hole they call Baylife. It's worse than death, or even wanting to die. What if my dream comes true, though? I just don't know. I feel like the velvet underground cd with the Warhol cover is playing in my head. That psychiatrist paid absolutely no attention to me, really, he just kept handing me different drugs, not mentioning the horrific side effects, or the fact that with my med. History, I shouldn't even have been taking half of them. I wish I had taken all of them and gotten this fucking thing over with already. This new job is making my life an even greater hell. I'm afraid it will really push me over the edge. I need a new psychiatrist like yesterday. I pray that someone helps me, soon, someone who can understand this, before it's too late. I don't know where to turn. Please, God, anyone, hear me, I'm silently shrieking in pain and angst that has gone on too long. I can't go back to Baylife. I will die first. There must be some other solution. Will anyone ever understand this? I'm so scared right now. I wish i had enough drugs to do the job now, but I don't. That is scary. Actually, my OD attempts have always failed, maybe I was never serious enough. Maybe I'm not now. Maybe I just don't know. If anyone could just talk to me, my cell is 813-716-1068. If someone reads this and thinks they can help, please, do so.
Hey Autumn, it was good to talk to you. Hang in there, and if ya need to talk again give me a call, 330-835-9707, Kelly. We creative types need to take care of each other.
Posted by vince on June 7, 2001, at 0:56:59
In reply to Help me if you can, I'm feeling down., posted by Autumn Despotis on June 6, 2001, at 22:36:42
> I feel so miserable, like dying. It's really bad today. I just can't imagine feeling any worse at this point. That insurance policy said it didn't cover suicide. Fuck heads, But if it looked like an accident, it would pay off. "If I had a million dollars...." Then he could have whatever he wanted. But do I really want to be dead? I imagine suicide=hell, but it seems like most of this life is hell to begin with. I am so far down in this black hole, there seems to be no way out. I probably need to listen to Nine Inch Nails music and make myself even more suicidal. Yeah, that's it. I'll do that. Maybe. I don't even feel like hearing music. My head is pounding so hard, like millions of militia men marching through in some psychotic syncopated rhythm. They're out to get me, I suppose. But then, aren't they all? What is it about me that makes these people react the way they do? I may be the only sane one, I seriously doubt that, though. But I need help, help and more help. My mind is flying around Jupiter somewhere. I can't believe I'm getting worse. I don't want to go back to that hell hole they call Baylife. It's worse than death, or even wanting to die. What if my dream comes true, though? I just don't know. I feel like the velvet underground cd with the Warhol cover is playing in my head. That psychiatrist paid absolutely no attention to me, really, he just kept handing me different drugs, not mentioning the horrific side effects, or the fact that with my med. History, I shouldn't even have been taking half of them. I wish I had taken all of them and gotten this fucking thing over with already. This new job is making my life an even greater hell. I'm afraid it will really push me over the edge. I need a new psychiatrist like yesterday. I pray that someone helps me, soon, someone who can understand this, before it's too late. I don't know where to turn. Please, God, anyone, hear me, I'm silently shrieking in pain and angst that has gone on too long. I can't go back to Baylife. I will die first. There must be some other solution. Will anyone ever understand this? I'm so scared right now. I wish i had enough drugs to do the job now, but I don't. That is scary. Actually, my OD attempts have always failed, maybe I was never serious enough. Maybe I'm not now. Maybe I just don't know. If anyone could just talk to me, my cell is 813-716-1068. If someone reads this and thinks they can help, please, do so.
Autumn Despotis, I've been extremely suicidal for the past few years. Like you I felt that suicide might deliver me to an everlasting hell that would be even worse - a bottomless pit. I have a feeling now that God is more merciful than that. However, recently I have found a couple of things that have helped. The first was Neurontin. It got rid of the pain that drove the suicidal desires, but it wasn't perfect, just made it easier to get through the days. Lately I've went to Geodon / ziprasidone. I've been with it about a week and so far it is very promising. I'm not suggesting that's what you should try but if you tell us your symptoms and the medications that you've tried and your reactions there are some very knowledgible people here who might have had similar experiences as yours, and who can maybe give you some helpful suggestions. I'm sure there is relief for you if you can just find the right med or combination. Please hang in there until then.Vince
Posted by MSM on June 7, 2001, at 13:01:19
In reply to Help me if you can, I'm feeling down., posted by Autumn Despotis on June 6, 2001, at 22:36:42
Any one who is quoting Lennon and listening to VU has SOMETHING good going on.
Maybe it's the NIN thats disturbing.M
Posted by Autumn Despotis on June 7, 2001, at 13:02:19
In reply to Re: I do appreciate your being 'round, posted by vince on June 7, 2001, at 0:56:59
Thanks, Vince, I'm glad you finished the lyric for me. It made me feel a bit better.
I tried geodon last week, it knocked me unconscious, seriosly unconscious. So, that isn't really the drug for me. I'm on Effexor xr 150 1x a day, and dalmane at night. Sometimes I try doses of dyphenhydramine (benedryl) to help bring me down in manic situations. This is known as self-medicating, and is very dangerous. I shouldn't be doing that, but I don't seem to have a choice right now. I'm looking for a new doctor, maybe that will help. I don't know, i really don't. But, thanks for caring!
Posted by Autumn Despotis on June 7, 2001, at 13:04:27
In reply to Re: Help me if you can, I'm feeling down., posted by Sliabh6 on June 6, 2001, at 23:14:11
Kelly, it was so great of you to call me last night, I needed it. You helped me get through the night. No luck with the husband he will never understand, i guess. I know he tries, but it's not working.
I'll give you a call soon!
Autumn
Posted by Autumn Despotis on June 7, 2001, at 13:08:11
In reply to Re: Help me if you can, I'm feeling down., posted by MSM on June 7, 2001, at 13:01:19
> Any one who is quoting Lennon and listening to VU has SOMETHING good going on.
> Maybe it's the NIN thats disturbing.
>
> MYou certainly have a valid point, there! You've made me laugh for the first time today. Thank you.
That VU cd is so eerily representative of the thoughts swirling in my head, that I feel trapped in some psychedelic time warp. I don't want to go out and do heroin or anything, never have, never will, why should I when the doc I've had lately gives me drugs that knock me out faster than heroin probably!
Heroin is a great song, though!
Posted by vince on June 8, 2001, at 13:47:53
In reply to Re: I do appreciate your being 'round, posted by Autumn Despotis on June 7, 2001, at 13:02:19
> Thanks, Vince, I'm glad you finished the lyric for me. It made me feel a bit better.
> I tried geodon last week, it knocked me unconscious, seriosly unconscious. So, that isn't really the drug for me. I'm on Effexor xr 150 1x a day, and dalmane at night. Sometimes I try doses of dyphenhydramine (benedryl) to help bring me down in manic situations. This is known as self-medicating, and is very dangerous. I shouldn't be doing that, but I don't seem to have a choice right now. I'm looking for a new doctor, maybe that will help. I don't know, i really don't. But, thanks for caring!Autumn, I wish that I had the knowledge to help you find a med that worked. But I did pray for you last night, long and hard. I pray every night for myself and all of us who suffer from mood disorders in hopes that God will speed the research that will benefit everyone that suffers so. I was so affected by your cercumstance that I prayed for you especially. I hope that doesn't sound overly pious. Please hang in there. There will be a solution. I'm sure that God will reward your long suffering.
Vince
Posted by Autumn Despotis on June 8, 2001, at 23:04:21
In reply to Re: I do appreciate your being 'round, posted by vince on June 8, 2001, at 13:47:53
Dear Vince,
Your prayers are more than welcome, and much appreciated. I have had the worst week of ups and downs, that I'm surprised I'm still around. Mybe your prayers had something to do with it!
I have just returned from a 6 hour visit to the ER for a severe headache I've had for 3 days straight. The docs insisted it had no relation to my bipolar disorder. Personally, I think it is caused by depression and the stress of trying to pretend that I'm normal for the rest of the world. I am getting realy tired of that, but I'm hanging on, even if it is by a very thin thread.
The docs thought I may have meningitis because this was, and still is the worst headache I have ever experienced. They did a spinal tap, but had to stick the needle in EIGHT times before they could actually get any fluid! It was insane, but they kept me on morphine the whole time, and lidocane to numb the area. They said I'll feel like hell tomorrow, being sore and everything. They prescribed Ultram, do you know anything about this drug? WebMD wasn't really helpful on this one. Either way, knowing you are thinking of me makes my day a thousand times better! You'll be in my prayers tonight!love, Autumn
Posted by vince on June 8, 2001, at 23:48:25
In reply to Re: I do appreciate your being 'round, posted by Autumn Despotis on June 8, 2001, at 23:04:21
> Dear Vince,
>
> Your prayers are more than welcome, and much appreciated. I have had the worst week of ups and downs, that I'm surprised I'm still around. Mybe your prayers had something to do with it!
> I have just returned from a 6 hour visit to the ER for a severe headache I've had for 3 days straight. The docs insisted it had no relation to my bipolar disorder. Personally, I think it is caused by depression and the stress of trying to pretend that I'm normal for the rest of the world. I am getting realy tired of that, but I'm hanging on, even if it is by a very thin thread.
> The docs thought I may have meningitis because this was, and still is the worst headache I have ever experienced. They did a spinal tap, but had to stick the needle in EIGHT times before they could actually get any fluid! It was insane, but they kept me on morphine the whole time, and lidocane to numb the area. They said I'll feel like hell tomorrow, being sore and everything. They prescribed Ultram, do you know anything about this drug? WebMD wasn't really helpful on this one. Either way, knowing you are thinking of me makes my day a thousand times better! You'll be in my prayers tonight!
>
> love, AutumnAutumn, Can you get Xanix? It's not prescribed for headache but if you have a muscle tention headache (from stress), I promise that it will take care of your headache very quickly. Valium would be even better.
I know about Ultram but not alot. My brother uses it for back pain, but it never helped me very much with headaches. It's kind of an opoid without the addiction potential, I think.
Love to you and please take care,
Vince
Posted by Autumn Despotis on June 9, 2001, at 0:08:51
In reply to Re: I do appreciate your being 'round, posted by vince on June 8, 2001, at 23:48:25
Dear Vince,
Xanax does indeed help me, but I haven't found a doc around here willing to prescribe it, and I assume I'll have the same problem with Valium. There seems to some sort of stigma associated with benzodiazipines (the category those both fall into), doctors seem to be afraid to prescribe it, even if it does help. Maybe my new psychiatrist will be more understanding. I pray that she will be, anyway! It's ridiculous that doctors have to deal with the pressures of society when they should be focusing on the patient.
You're so sweet, I really enjoy hearing from you. You've brightened my day even more!p.s. have you checked out my website yet? I wrote most of it in a manic phase. At least something good came out of the torture I was going through at that time!
love, Autumn
Posted by Anna Laura on June 9, 2001, at 2:07:09
In reply to Help me if you can, I'm feeling down., posted by Autumn Despotis on June 6, 2001, at 22:36:42
> I feel so miserable, like dying. It's really bad today. I just can't imagine feeling any worse at this point. That insurance policy said it didn't cover suicide. Fuck heads, But if it looked like an accident, it would pay off. "If I had a million dollars...." Then he could have whatever he wanted. But do I really want to be dead? I imagine suicide=hell, but it seems like most of this life is hell to begin with. I am so far down in this black hole, there seems to be no way out. I probably need to listen to Nine Inch Nails music and make myself even more suicidal. Yeah, that's it. I'll do that. Maybe. I don't even feel like hearing music. My head is pounding so hard, like millions of militia men marching through in some psychotic syncopated rhythm. They're out to get me, I suppose. But then, aren't they all? What is it about me that makes these people react the way they do? I may be the only sane one, I seriously doubt that, though. But I need help, help and more help. My mind is flying around Jupiter somewhere. I can't believe I'm getting worse. I don't want to go back to that hell hole they call Baylife. It's worse than death, or even wanting to die. What if my dream comes true, though? I just don't know. I feel like the velvet underground cd with the Warhol cover is playing in my head. That psychiatrist paid absolutely no attention to me, really, he just kept handing me different drugs, not mentioning the horrific side effects, or the fact that with my med. History, I shouldn't even have been taking half of them. I wish I had taken all of them and gotten this fucking thing over with already. This new job is making my life an even greater hell. I'm afraid it will really push me over the edge. I need a new psychiatrist like yesterday. I pray that someone helps me, soon, someone who can understand this, before it's too late. I don't know where to turn. Please, God, anyone, hear me, I'm silently shrieking in pain and angst that has gone on too long. I can't go back to Baylife. I will die first. There must be some other solution. Will anyone ever understand this? I'm so scared right now. I wish i had enough drugs to do the job now, but I don't. That is scary. Actually, my OD attempts have always failed, maybe I was never serious enough. Maybe I'm not now. Maybe I just don't know. If anyone could just talk to me, my cell is 813-716-1068. If someone reads this and thinks they can help, please, do so.
First of all, pardon me for this lengthy post. Second English is not my language (posting from Europe), so please forgive me if i make mistakes.
Dear Autumn,
I've been there too. I suffered from psychotic depression (major depression with psychotic features).
I didn't know that such a horror could actually exist before that: it was an endless torment, it was hell on earth.
I was permanently floating in which i called "the permanent night of the universe": no more blue skies, just an endless,dark ,cold void, an horrible, ferocious vacuum that was sucking me back;
I was so scared that i felt like waiting in the death row.
I coudn't sleep, i couldn't eat (i was so anxious my mouth got dry and couldn't swallow 'cause the food sticked to my mouth). Even drinking was such a pain! Just drinking a glass of milk was a torture.
I 'm still able to recall those awful months: the picture it's still vivid.
Unfortunately, it actually lasted for years because i was undiagnosed, so the whole thing got chronic and I worsened throughout the years; i have been given the wrong prescription: just benzos at high doses from which i grew addicted on also.
I was suicidal too: i wanted this terrible anguish to stop; i was thinking about hell also; if only i had been sure that there was nothing after death i'd have killed myself for sure;
One thing that stopped me from committing suicide was rage. i realize it's not a good thing, but it kept me alive: i was thinking all the time about those doctors who gave me the wrong medication : it's now been aknowlodged that just taking benzos at high doses if you're depressed it worsen you depression really badly. These people told me i was suffering because i was immature and that i grew addicted on benzos they prescribed me because i had a "dependent character". Moreover, they told me i was getting schizophrenic (nice thing to hear, uh?).
I wanted to sue them, but if i wanted to bring them to court i had to stay alive.
Finally; i met a pdoc who was exceptionally kind and caring; he prescribred me for imipramine (tofranil) at high doses : it worked only partially, but it did well enough to get me back on my feet, so that i stood up and fought the monster; it also gave me enough strenght to feel angry, so that i wanted to keep myself alive, as i previously said.
Curiosity helped too: i can still recall the date i fought back the monster ; it was a sunny, first of May of 1993 (the curious thing is that the first of may it's "all fools day").
Well, that very day i got completely psychotic (thinking about Apocalypse and all that stuff) and had a deep insight at the same time: this insight was frightful and beautiful.
I remember that i told myself : "it just can't get worse than this, i touched the bottom and i survived!".
All of a sudden i felt brave enough to kill myself, but i also felt so deeply in love with life also. Since i wasn't not afraid of dying any longer, i wasn't afraid to live either.
I realize that sounds kind of contradictory, but that's what happened. Life wasn't so scary anymore. It was something to explore, It was like the world had become a huge fairground, awful and interesting at the same time; anything could happen since i took life in my own hands. I could do anything, being anyone i wanted to. That "glorious" day i decided to live, and things grew better and better as time went by.
A few months after that episode i felt much better: even if i had a second bout of depression many years after that, i never experienced that horror again.
If you want to know more about my experience you might go back to my previous posts.(May 27, Trauma/Major Depression and Ad's).
Sorry if i talked about myself, but i thought that perhaps listening to my story could help you;
i'm a little bit self-centred, i admit it, but i really want to help, and it wasn't easy to write down this letter ,believe me.Concerning your despair/discomfort, my personal opinion is that perhaps you need to find the right med or a pdoc human and understanding (or both) so that you can grow stronger and fight this horrible monster back. This is my humble opinion.
Love and good luck
Anna Laura
Posted by Autumn Despotis on June 9, 2001, at 2:54:35
In reply to Re: Help me if you can, I'm feeling down., posted by Anna Laura on June 9, 2001, at 2:07:09
Dear Anna Laura,
What an inspiring letter! What part of Europe are you from? My husband is from Cyprus, on the Greek side. We go there every year.
I think I'm going to stay alive for now. Although, I have noticed my driving has become abnormally reckless within the past few days. It's like I'm inviting death, but death may have had another engagement to attend.
I find it extremely difficult to discuss this with my husband, he doesn't seem to grasp the fact that you can't just tell a chemical imbalance to go away. It's a legitimate illness, but in his country they don't really acknowledge things like that. It's putting a strain on our marriage, and increasing my instability by the minute. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist on July 10, but we're going to try to get in sooner. I can't go an entire month without some sort of mood stabilizer. But I don't trust the psych. I have been going to. I can't go back there, it would only make things worse.
I am happy that you found your epiphany that day. It gives me hope. I don't hve much hope, I can always use more!love,
Autumn
Posted by Anna Laura on June 10, 2001, at 4:10:48
In reply to Re: Help me if you can, I'm feeling down., posted by Autumn Despotis on June 9, 2001, at 2:54:35
> Dear Anna Laura,
>
> What an inspiring letter! What part of Europe are you from? My husband is from Cyprus, on the Greek side. We go there every year.
> I think I'm going to stay alive for now. Although, I have noticed my driving has become abnormally reckless within the past few days. It's like I'm inviting death, but death may have had another engagement to attend.
> I find it extremely difficult to discuss this with my husband, he doesn't seem to grasp the fact that you can't just tell a chemical imbalance to go away. It's a legitimate illness, but in his country they don't really acknowledge things like that. It's putting a strain on our marriage, and increasing my instability by the minute. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist on July 10, but we're going to try to get in sooner. I can't go an entire month without some sort of mood stabilizer. But I don't trust the psych. I have been going to. I can't go back there, it would only make things worse.
> I am happy that you found your epiphany that day. It gives me hope. I don't hve much hope, I can always use more!
>
> love,
> AutumnFirst, i 'm not sure i should be posting this message on this board: i guess it ought to be redirected to Psycho-Social Babble....Anyway,
i 'm glad you appreciated my post, hope it helped a little bit. I understand what you mean
when you say your partner doesn't understand you. It was the same for me also.
After two years of strenuous, constant effort i got my partner to understand my mental condition. Not a long time ago he thought i could overcome the disease just with the "will power"and that i was kind of lazy. I was about to consider that also, thus lowering my self-esteem.
Concerning the depression issue, friends were the least understanding of all.
I remember clearly that a friend of mine told me that if i lived in a third world country, facing much bigger problems i wouldn't have been depressed. Those words really put me down 'cause i felt guilty and responsable for my situation. I felt like it was my fault not being able to control it.
I hope you'll get better: hold on!
I'm sure there are good and understanding pdoc out there; I guess you're going to find them easier and faster if you get to believe in human beings again. I think TRUST is the key.
I believe that trust can make wonders. (This is my personal opinion, due to my personal experience).
You asked me where i'm from: i'm italian, living in Northern Italy, near the French border.
(two hours drive from France).Love
Anna Laura
.
Posted by Autumn Despotis on June 10, 2001, at 11:32:55
In reply to Re: Help me if you can, I'm feeling down., posted by Anna Laura on June 10, 2001, at 4:10:48
You hit the bull's eye when you mentioned using will power
to overcome manic depression. He says I am thinking about the wrong things, and just shouldn't do that anymore.
I tell him it's a chemical imbalance I've had since I was a teenager, but that part doesn't even make it across the table to him. He has fairly strong barriers when it comes to communication, yet he wonders why I find it hard to talk to him about this.
Maybe it's because there is only one way, and that, my friend, is His way. He's just a damn mule. I love him, though.
I think he's trying to understand, but we'll just have to wait and see on that one!love, autumn
This is the end of the thread.
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