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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Orion703 on August 12, 2000, at 13:12:26
My fiancee, whom I've been with for the past 4 years, has just been "diagnosed"... i guess... with ADD.
Things in our relationship were really great up until about a year and a half, almost 2 years ago. Then things started to slowly.. "fall apart", if you will. I've been trying desperately hard to keep things together, because I've known all along that He loves me, he really does. It's not an excuse to fill in a void that makes me out to be dependent on him. He really tries, but from what I've seen, it's a bit too little a bit too late.
So last night, we went to our psychologist, and he returned the results of this ADD questionairre. My fiancee's scores were all very high, all but the "emotive" characteristic. The psychologist told us "that explains alot".
Then it seemed like our relationship problems all of a sudden became a "ME" thing, rather than a "WE" thing, and I really don't know what else to do.
I mean, the psychologist basically said "This is your fiancee, that's who he is, maybe you just can't handle this type of lifestyle with him". I told him I thought that was a BIT unfair to say because I JUST NOW found out that he had -- > what the counselor called a "Mental Disorder". I did not call it a mental disorder, but the counselor said, in all fairness that is what your fiancee has.
So basically, I've been trying to "put things right" for the past ... almost 2 years... and now? I mean, does this ADD diagnosis mean that my fiancee has some sort of convenient excuse to act the way he does? To me, that translates into "my failings are not my fault"... and it really does appear that he just doesn't try for the long haul. He will satisfy for he moment and forget about US for the future. He basically patches things up for the here and now and is right back at the way it was... a few days later.
The counselor said "you've been with him for 4 years and you've never noticed this?" And i told him I did notice little bits and pieces and i brought them up to to my fiancee. I asked him point blank, "is THIS the way you are, because IF it is, I need to know". My fiancee is like a chameleon, he'll change when he senses fear, but when he relaxes he is right back to "HIM?" I guess.
I just feel like all of the responsibility of this relationship is on ME now, because *I* didn't notice? or something. I cried all night last night. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him because I really feel that there is a weight lifted off HIS shoulders because he now has the go ahead to be the way he's being, in our relationship, and if he fails... oh well, its his ADD and i'm just going to have to deal with it.
I feel this is completely unfair.
Should I hit the "high road"?Please don't flame me, this has been like having a rock wall falling on me. This just happened last night and I'm lost as to how to put the pieces back together again.
Please E-mail me and/or post here.. i'm open to anything
Thanks
YahYah
Posted by Kath on August 12, 2000, at 14:00:24
In reply to Adult ADD/ADHD Relationship Problems..please help, posted by Orion703 on August 12, 2000, at 13:12:26
Hi there - I read your post with interest, because my 16-yr-old son is ADD. I never know, when dealing with him whether he's acting (or NOT acting) like he does (or doesn't) because of ADD or because he's being lazy, irresponsible, etc.
I'm very sorry you're going through this. It must feel awful. I hope you have friends or family with whom you can share your feelings/fears/concerns.
I am wondering how old your fiance is. If he is now using this ADD diagnosis as an excuse to act as he does and thinking it's up to you to "like it or lump it", I'd strongly suggest that you give some very, very serious thought to whether or not you want to share your life with him. It's way better to take some time & make a decision NOW rather than wait, get married, make a couple of babies & THEN decide that you can't take it anymore. Right now, it's just you & him. It sounds like you're feeling pretty p***ed off & I would say, rightly so. The ball is really in your court, I think. If your fiance is fine with being the way he is, it's up to you to decide if you want to continue like this or not. We can't change other people. There was recently a stage play in Toronto, near where I lived called "I Love You - Now Change!" I thought how true-to-life. So often, we might love someone, decide to be with them, and THEN decide to set out trying to change the things we DON'T like about them!!!
Hope you can take some time for yourself, maybe even not see him for a few days to have time to sort out your feelings. Keep in mind, you don't have to HURRY to decide how you feel. Take as much time as you need to. This is your future that you're dealing with.
Keep me "posted", if you want to. I'll be thinking about you.
Warm thoughts, Kath
> My fiancee, whom I've been with for the past 4 years, has just been "diagnosed"... i guess... with ADD.
>
> Things in our relationship were really great up until about a year and a half, almost 2 years ago. Then things started to slowly.. "fall apart", if you will. I've been trying desperately hard to keep things together, because I've known all along that He loves me, he really does. It's not an excuse to fill in a void that makes me out to be dependent on him. He really tries, but from what I've seen, it's a bit too little a bit too late.
>
> So last night, we went to our psychologist, and he returned the results of this ADD questionairre. My fiancee's scores were all very high, all but the "emotive" characteristic. The psychologist told us "that explains alot".
>
> Then it seemed like our relationship problems all of a sudden became a "ME" thing, rather than a "WE" thing, and I really don't know what else to do.
>
> I mean, the psychologist basically said "This is your fiancee, that's who he is, maybe you just can't handle this type of lifestyle with him". I told him I thought that was a BIT unfair to say because I JUST NOW found out that he had -- > what the counselor called a "Mental Disorder". I did not call it a mental disorder, but the counselor said, in all fairness that is what your fiancee has.
>
> So basically, I've been trying to "put things right" for the past ... almost 2 years... and now? I mean, does this ADD diagnosis mean that my fiancee has some sort of convenient excuse to act the way he does? To me, that translates into "my failings are not my fault"... and it really does appear that he just doesn't try for the long haul. He will satisfy for he moment and forget about US for the future. He basically patches things up for the here and now and is right back at the way it was... a few days later.
>
> The counselor said "you've been with him for 4 years and you've never noticed this?" And i told him I did notice little bits and pieces and i brought them up to to my fiancee. I asked him point blank, "is THIS the way you are, because IF it is, I need to know". My fiancee is like a chameleon, he'll change when he senses fear, but when he relaxes he is right back to "HIM?" I guess.
>
> I just feel like all of the responsibility of this relationship is on ME now, because *I* didn't notice? or something. I cried all night last night. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him because I really feel that there is a weight lifted off HIS shoulders because he now has the go ahead to be the way he's being, in our relationship, and if he fails... oh well, its his ADD and i'm just going to have to deal with it.
>
> I feel this is completely unfair.
> Should I hit the "high road"?
>
> Please don't flame me, this has been like having a rock wall falling on me. This just happened last night and I'm lost as to how to put the pieces back together again.
>
> Please E-mail me and/or post here.. i'm open to anything
>
> Thanks
> YahYah
Posted by jane on August 12, 2000, at 22:33:00
In reply to Re: Adult ADD/ADHD Relationship Problems..please help » Orion703, posted by Kath on August 12, 2000, at 14:00:24
> Hi there - I read your post with interest, because my 16-yr-old son is ADD. I never know, when dealing with him whether he's acting (or NOT acting) like he does (or doesn't) because of ADD or because he's being lazy, irresponsible, etc.
Kath - boy you said everything that I've been dealing with. My son is 17yr, and "mildly ADD,non-hyperactive. He's failed 11th grade and with two weeks to go, refuses to accept that. But my biggest problem is understanding what part of him is ADD, what is laziness, and what is being child of divorce very dysfunctional family. He is in weekly counselling w/ PhD specializes in teens/ADD; and I go on another day with or without my son as requested by my son and shrink. But I'm emotionally exhausted, seeing this smart loving kid who seems lost in life. I guess I don't have a specific question except wanting to touch base. jane
Posted by Kath on August 14, 2000, at 10:09:22
In reply to Re: Adult ADD/ADHD --Kath, posted by jane on August 12, 2000, at 22:33:00
Hi Jane - Pretty frustrating, isn't it? My son is extremely intelligent too & could do so much with his life. There was also a divorce involved in my case. His dad left just before he entered kindergarten. Your counsellor sounds PERFECT! I'd love that to be our situation. Hopefully, something positive will come out of the. I hope your son isn't into drugs. Mine is - did marijuana pretty well daily for about 1 1/2 years. I think he was "self-medicating".
I hope things improve for you. Take care, Kath
> > Hi there - I read your post with interest, because my 16-yr-old son is ADD. I never know, when dealing with him whether he's acting (or NOT acting) like he does (or doesn't) because of ADD or because he's being lazy, irresponsible, etc.
>
> Kath - boy you said everything that I've been dealing with. My son is 17yr, and "mildly ADD,non-hyperactive. He's failed 11th grade and with two weeks to go, refuses to accept that. But my biggest problem is understanding what part of him is ADD, what is laziness, and what is being child of divorce very dysfunctional family. He is in weekly counselling w/ PhD specializes in teens/ADD; and I go on another day with or without my son as requested by my son and shrink. But I'm emotionally exhausted, seeing this smart loving kid who seems lost in life. I guess I don't have a specific question except wanting to touch base. jane
Posted by Bill3 on August 14, 2000, at 19:55:20
In reply to Re: Adult ADD/ADHD » jane, posted by Kath on August 14, 2000, at 10:09:22
> > Kath - boy you said everything that I've been dealing with. My son is 17yr, and "mildly ADD,non-hyperactive. He's failed 11th grade and with two weeks to go, refuses to accept that. But my biggest problem is understanding what part of him is ADD, what is laziness, and what is being child of divorce very dysfunctional family. He is in weekly counselling w/ PhD specializes in teens/ADD; and I go on another day with or without my son as requested by my son and shrink. But I'm emotionally exhausted, seeing this smart loving kid who seems lost in life. I guess I don't have a specific question except wanting to touch base. janeRegarding the orig. post Orion 703, be sure to get a copy of Sudderth and Kandel's (Adult ADD, The Complete Handbook) for both you and your potential mate. As I said in my email, ADD is not an excuse but sure does explain a lot of troubling behavior and thought processes that otherwise would just be written off as odd or otherwise misunderstood.
I too would look long and hard at the relationship but in the light of understanding of his condition.
Bill3
Posted by SarahB on August 15, 2000, at 13:02:51
In reply to Re: Adult ADD/ADHD , posted by Bill3 on August 14, 2000, at 19:55:20
Hey there... I am an adult with ADD and I am also married to an ADD'er! (yes, never a dull moment!) I wanted to let you know about my experience in relationships being ADD. I went through a string of "bad" ones before I was finally diagnosed. I have a history of failing which is not uncommon for an ADD person. I have been married twice before I met my current husband and never felt satisfied until now. I know I always tended to feel that there "has to be more". It seems to be part of my ADD, that I "know" there is always something else, something maybe a bit more exciting or adventerous. It took my diagnoses and some behavior modification to relize that comfortable is actually a good thing! Another thing is that my husband is also ADD. He can tend to be a challenge and does keep me intriged. It hasn't been an easy nor fun ride the whole time, but it sure seems to be working this time. (he was the one to get me to go to the doc and find out what was "wrong" with me) I know this is rambling and choppy, but I could go on for days about this subject. I can understand your boyfriends situation and where he is coming from. It is very hard to change habits and thought processes when you are ADD. Relationships suffer, whether they are romantic, friendships, family or otherwise. It's hard to stick with one thing for more than a year or two. You tend to get "bored". Not saying that you are boring, it's just they way we are. I'm sure he loves you, but maybe needs more stimulation or time to "think" and accept his lot in life. I have finally found that ADD can be a wonderful thing, even in a relationship. We tend to be active and love to explore new places. We also have a 14 month old girl and she will certainly never want to sit for long and will always want to know "why" about everything. Is he inattentive or hyper? That makes a difference also. Inattentive types tend to be "lazy" and are happy being alone and unactive while the hyper type never want a dull moment and bore easily. I tend to go between the two and noticed in my past relationships if my mate was almost detached I was much more intriged. Of course that's not a very healty attitude, though.
Anyway, I would also suggest the book that Bill3 told you about and also "Driven to Distraction". It it a good one for adults with ADD. It really made a difference in my life. There are some good web sites also... http://www.chadd.org/50tips.htm , http://www.chadd.com/ basically the same site and it has lotsa good links to other sites...
Please feel free to drop me a line and I hope I have helped with my ramblings... I don't mean to discourage you, a relationship with an ADD'er can be a wonderful thing! Educate yourself and him and TOGETHER you can do it! Remind him it is an adventure and make sure to "pack" correctly with education and a sense of humour!! Good luck!
Sarah! :-)
Posted by kelsi111 on October 9, 2003, at 13:51:53
In reply to Adult ADD/ADHD Relationship Problems..please help, posted by Orion703 on August 12, 2000, at 13:12:26
first off, I have ADHD, fairly severely. So i do understand what your fiancee is going through and how he feels. But at the same time
I don't feel as if all the relationship problems are now your fault as the "normal" one. His psychologist is a real jerk and nutcase
if he makes you feel as if it is your fault. And maybe you just internalized it badly. You had said that there have been problems the
past two years, and it's been "falling apart". Well, to me it doesn't sound like you heard the words ADHD and then decided a perfectly
good realtionship was bad because of it. Having ADHD isn't an excuse for bad behavior. People are still responsible for their actions.
It's okay if you can't deal with it and you shouldn't feel as if you have to sacrifice yourself upon the alter of ADHD for him. Now,
ADHD also has good things, sponaitey, creativiness, being on the go, exciting. Maybe you like that in him. Life likes equilbrium and
everything has it's trade offs.It just really makes me mad when people push their own short commings off upon other people. If he had an anger control problem and kept
hitting you would you say, well, it's not his fault, it's just the way his brain is wired, he really does love me. No, he'd have to control
himself or loose the relationship. It's the same thing here. No one is perfect and there will be troubles, but that's life. It's not your
fault if you can't handle it and anyone who says it is your fault is silly. However, I do hope that you can handle it and that he can
handle it and you guys have a happy life together. And I hope that he doesn't blame all his troubles on his ADHD, it is a part of who he is
and a part of his personality.
This is the end of the thread.
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