![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 39. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ChicagoKat on September 24, 2012, at 18:55:34
I'm in my washout before I start Nardil. I have a week left and my mind and body are giving up. Tonight I talked to me husband and I asked, what if the Nardil doesn't work? It's worked for me in the past, but it seems every drug I've ever taken doesn't work for me anymore. Not even advil. I told him I can't feel like this the rest of my life and if the Nardil doesn't work we'll have to very carefully plan my death. His response? He told me to write down everything I want done and to make a copy of it for him. No sympathy, no love, no caring, no support. I'm married to an emotionless monster. No wonder I'm so depressed. I've been having dreams of when I was happy, when I had boyfriends who were fun and who made me laugh. I'm in hell.
Posted by jono_in_adelaide on September 24, 2012, at 19:06:44
In reply to I'm in trouble, posted by ChicagoKat on September 24, 2012, at 18:55:34
If Nardil doesnt work, then you can always try nardil plus Nortriptyline or Nardil + Welbutrin, or one of many other combos - dont give up, there is a solution out there for you. Your brain isnt working corerectly right now, try and keep detatched from your thoughts.
Re your husband, try and remember that this has been hard on him as well, he said the wrong thing (seriuosly the wrong thing) but maybe he just made a mistake.
Have you got some sleeping pills? If you have, I'd take the prescribed dose and go to bed, and start tomorrow as another day.
If you are feeling desperatly suicidal, call your doctor and arrange to be admitted somwhere now.
Posted by jono_in_adelaide on September 24, 2012, at 19:22:52
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble, posted by jono_in_adelaide on September 24, 2012, at 19:06:44
Could I suggest that once you're on the Naridl and feeling bettwe, some couples counseling/therapy for you and your husband might be in order...... let you both get your issues out on the table and try and resolve them, atleast let you both know how the other feels etc - your husband sounds like he needs a giid kick in the keeshter, but it might do him good to air some of his disapointment and whatever as well
Posted by phillipa on September 24, 2012, at 21:00:23
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble, posted by jono_in_adelaide on September 24, 2012, at 19:22:52
Sounds like the same my husband would also say. Phillipa
Posted by jane d on September 24, 2012, at 21:01:00
In reply to I'm in trouble, posted by ChicagoKat on September 24, 2012, at 18:55:34
Give the guy a break. It seems to me he is supporting you in what you said you wanted to do. If what you is for him to tell you that you don't know what you're talking about and to reassure you that things will get better then you need to say that to him instead. And I'm guessing that if he did say those things instead right now you'd be angry that he didn't understand how awful you felt.
You probably aren't in a position to judge what his feelings about anything are right now. Most people would probably tell you not to make big decisions like quitting a job or selling a house in your current state of mind. That goes double for making important judgments about what the people closest to you are thinking or feeling. As impossible as it seems you have to try to keep a little bit of distance from your emotions right now. Perhaps picking a date - after the washout and after time for the nardil to start working - when you will allow yourself to feel these things might help you avoid getting overwhelmed by them right now.
Posted by ChicagoKat on September 25, 2012, at 7:52:41
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble, posted by jono_in_adelaide on September 24, 2012, at 19:22:52
> Could I suggest that once you're on the Naridl and feeling bettwe, some couples counseling/therapy for you and your husband might be in order...... let you both get your issues out on the table and try and resolve them, atleast let you both know how the other feels etc - your husband sounds like he needs a giid kick in the keeshter, but it might do him good to air some of his disapointment and whatever as well
Thanks Juno, you made me feel much better. You are wonderful. I will take your advice and ask my dr. to start both nardil and nortryptiline together. thanks again,
Kat
Posted by ChicagoKat on September 25, 2012, at 8:09:34
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble » ChicagoKat, posted by jane d on September 24, 2012, at 21:01:00
> Give the guy a break. It seems to me he is supporting you in what you said you wanted to do. If what you is for him to tell you that you don't know what you're talking about and to reassure you that things will get better then you need to say that to him instead. And I'm guessing that if he did say those things instead right now you'd be angry that he didn't understand how awful you felt.
> You probably aren't in a position to judge what his feelings about anything are right now. Most people would probably tell you not to make big decisions like quitting a job or selling a house in your current state of mind. That goes double for making important judgments about what the people closest to you are thinking or feeling. As impossible as it seems you have to try to keep a little bit of distance from your emotions right now. Perhaps picking a date - after the washout and after time for the nardil to start working - when you will allow yourself to feel these things might help you avoid getting overwhelmed by them right now
>
Well that didn't help. If I had read your post last night I would probably be dead now. You have NO IDEA what my marriage is like and what it's been like even when I was feeling good. You'd do best to stay out of other people's business, especially when it comes to something like a cry for help when someone is suicidal. They should ALWAYS be taken seriously. I wasn't kidding last night, I really felt like there was no way out but to die, obviously you have never felt that way. I came on here as a cry for help, and luckily I read your completely non-helpful answer today when I was feeling better. Luckily I had read Juno's response last night and it helped me get through the night. PLEASE do not respond anymore to posters who are suicidal, you could very well cause their death.
Posted by ChicagoKat on September 25, 2012, at 8:15:20
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble » jono_in_adelaide, posted by phillipa on September 24, 2012, at 21:00:23
> Sounds like the same my husband would also say. Phillipa
I'm sorry Phillipa. But at the same time I'm glad I have a friend who knows what it feels like to be married to an emotionless man. Take good caare of your self.
Kat
Posted by ChicagoKat on September 25, 2012, at 8:28:08
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble, posted by jono_in_adelaide on September 24, 2012, at 19:22:52
> Could I suggest that once you're on the Naridl and feeling bettwe, some couples counseling/therapy for you and your husband might be in order...... let you both get your issues out on the table and try and resolve them, atleast let you both know how the other feels etc - your husband sounds like he needs a giid kick in the keeshter, but it might do him good to air some of his disapointment and whatever as well
I agree Juno, and we have been talking about counseling once I feel better. We have a good marriage; we've been married for over 8yrs, but he truly is emotionless, while I am the complete opposite. I can deal with it when I'm feeling well because he is filled with other wonderful qualities. It's just I need him, or someone while I go through this washout, I get to feeling such abject despair. He said last night he is going to try to be there for me more this week.
Thanks again for all your help and concern. Sorry to write a book about my marriage. I tend to write too much when I post. Thanks again, you really helped me last night.
All my best,,
Kat
Posted by alchemy on September 25, 2012, at 19:07:15
In reply to I'm in trouble, posted by ChicagoKat on September 24, 2012, at 18:55:34
My heart goes out to you. Hearing that would have made my desperation and depression worse, we are already in a sensitive state. It is frustrating when other people do not understand and therefore seem to be judgemental. This can also mean that they may say the wrong thing thinking that they are helping.
I don't want to sound like I am being too critical of your husband. I am not personally married. I do have a strained relationship with my brother because he is critical that I have these problems.
It is often helpful for others to hear other people (especially those viewed as professionals)try and explain. Sometimes even reading about it, if they are willing. I wonder if even going to a male counselor would be more beneficial for him.
Posted by ChicagoKat on September 25, 2012, at 21:10:54
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble, posted by alchemy on September 25, 2012, at 19:07:15
> My heart goes out to you. Hearing that would have made my desperation and depression worse, we are already in a sensitive state. It is frustrating when other people do not understand and therefore seem to be judgemental. This can also mean that they may say the wrong thing thinking that they are helping.
> I don't want to sound like I am being too critical of your husband. I am not personally married. I do have a strained relationship with my brother because he is critical that I have these problems.
> It is often helpful for others to hear other people (especially those viewed as professionals)try and explain. Sometimes even reading about it, if they are willing. I wonder if even going to a male counselor would be more beneficial for him.Thank you so much Alchemy for your sympathy and understanding. You don't sound too critical of my husband at all. We have since talked about the incident (and I took a Concerta today, it wreaked hell on my blood pressure and heart rate, but at least I wasn't suicidal). We have decided, and I have talked to the therapist we both see (he sees her for career counseling - she used to be high up in human resources, but felt a calling to be a therapist, and I have to say she is the BEST...she sees me 3x a week and only charges one copay, plus I can tell she REALLY cares and is able to help) anyways, we are both going to see her on Saturday. My husband is wonderful in SO many ways, except for being emotionally distant, which is obviously causing a problem now.
Enough about me, I'm sorry you feel so depressed and that you have a strained relationship with your brother. Know that you have a friend in me now, and can talk to me whenever you want. I check this forum daily, so just type a post for me :)
I truly hope you feel better soon, and I really think you ought to try an MAOI. The washout will be rough, but I will be here for you, and be sure to get your pdoc to prescribe lots of benzos and gabapentin for you, but after you start an MAOI for most people life becomes great again. You just have to watch what you eat (it's not that hard) and what meds you take. But it's well worth it. Let me know what you think.
Well, as usual, I have typed a book in my post. Hang in there, and let me know if you need anything at all.
All my best,
Kat
Posted by AlexCanada on September 26, 2012, at 3:51:10
In reply to I'm in trouble, posted by ChicagoKat on September 24, 2012, at 18:55:34
Your husband does not sound like he cares at all. It sounds like he has given up on you but it's important that you do not give up on yourself. For him to so easily comply with plans for ''departure'' and even suggest to write it all down does make me agree with you that he is very heartless.
Some people may say couples therapy etc but the reality is that a monster cannot just suddenly start loving you, let alone grow empathy. Confronting this in a realistic rather than an idealistic sense would do you more good in the long run. He really does seem like he simply does not care about you at all. His reactions speak volumes. What can be done about it? In time if you feel better on a particular medication maybe you can move on with your life without him. He already has clearly stated he is willing to move on without you. To him he may feel as if you are already gone. He does not love you but at least you know it and recognize it as such. Someone so heartless. ''Through sickness and in health'' is supossed to mean something.
I been dealing with strong melancholic dep for a decade as well and at various times used to believe it was unlikely for me to ever have any sort of realistic love life but such thoughts stem from being unhealthy. At times I was even involved with a girl whom treated me like dirt but I put up with it because she was the only person in my life. But she was dependent on me due to her own issues and never really truly cared. Life can become stagnant around such people and prevent progress.
Certain medications would lift me out of such darkness. Whether it was Parnate, Paxil, Ritalin, Gabapentin, Emsam, Rhodiola Rosea... it would allow some for some sense of possible acceptance despite my strong depression, and with acceptance would come possibily for relationships which previously seemed impossible. The negative cloud can lift and everything which may tell you to give up is just the chemical inbalance giving you the wrong message.
Try to fight it as best you can as there are always other medical options available if Nardil doesn't cut it so please do not give up on yourself.
What is your diagnosis and how would you describe your symptoms?
> I'm in my washout before I start Nardil. I have a week left and my mind and body are giving up. Tonight I talked to me husband and I asked, what if the Nardil doesn't work? It's worked for me in the past, but it seems every drug I've ever taken doesn't work for me anymore. Not even advil. I told him I can't feel like this the rest of my life and if the Nardil doesn't work we'll have to very carefully plan my death. His response? He told me to write down everything I want done and to make a copy of it for him. No sympathy, no love, no caring, no support. I'm married to an emotionless monster. No wonder I'm so depressed. I've been having dreams of when I was happy, when I had boyfriends who were fun and who made me laugh. I'm in hell.
Posted by jane d on September 26, 2012, at 5:26:17
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble » jane d, posted by ChicagoKat on September 25, 2012, at 8:09:34
> > Give the guy a break. It seems to me he is supporting you in what you said you wanted to do. If what you is for him to tell you that you don't know what you're talking about and to reassure you that things will get better then you need to say that to him instead. And I'm guessing that if he did say those things instead right now you'd be angry that he didn't understand how awful you felt.
> > You probably aren't in a position to judge what his feelings about anything are right now. Most people would probably tell you not to make big decisions like quitting a job or selling a house in your current state of mind. That goes double for making important judgments about what the people closest to you are thinking or feeling. As impossible as it seems you have to try to keep a little bit of distance from your emotions right now. Perhaps picking a date - after the washout and after time for the nardil to start working - when you will allow yourself to feel these things might help you avoid getting overwhelmed by them right now
> >
> Well that didn't help. If I had read your post last night I would probably be dead now. You have NO IDEA what my marriage is like and what it's been like even when I was feeling good. You'd do best to stay out of other people's business, especially when it comes to something like a cry for help when someone is suicidal. They should ALWAYS be taken seriously. I wasn't kidding last night, I really felt like there was no way out but to die, obviously you have never felt that way. I came on here as a cry for help, and luckily I read your completely non-helpful answer today when I was feeling better. Luckily I had read Juno's response last night and it helped me get through the night. PLEASE do not respond anymore to posters who are suicidal, you could very well cause their death.
>You seem to have completely misunderstood my post. I have no idea whether your husband is a jerk or a saint. If you'd chosen to ask for clarification, instead of just attacking me, you might have spared yourself some unhappiness.
Posted by SLS on September 26, 2012, at 5:57:12
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble » ChicagoKat, posted by AlexCanada on September 26, 2012, at 3:51:10
I agree with the sentiments of others that there is something wrong with your marriage relationship. We, here, cannot really know the dynamics of your relationship and identify potential contributions of you and your husband towards your current crisis of feelings.
As for me, I can appreciate the frustration and exaspiration that a husband can experience when acting as a caretaker for his wife, especially when children need caretaking, too. However, something is very wrong when a husband agrees to help his wife to commit suicide, especially while she is in a depressive state. Fortunately, there are resources that one can use to work through those psychosocial issues that exist within the marriage, including the psyche of each individual. If your husband is willing to go for marriage counseling, I would urge you to take advantage of this opportunity. Eventually, this counseling might lead to some individual treatment.
One day, while taking reboxetine, I told my parents that I needed to get my affairs in order. I told them that I wanted to hide as much money as possible so that I could bequeath it to family members rather than have it consumed by the state to pay for my burial. They listened to every word I said and made no attempt to act on this infomation. They pretty much just said "Okay". WTF? It became obvious to me that they were burned-out. They had nothing left to deal with my illness as adults. So, I imagine they used denial as a mechanism against the truth that their son was to commit suicide. By that time, they might have been numb and areactive so as to prevent the bubble of denial to burst.
Of course, there is the possibility that, as adults, they truly thought that I would be better dead than alive. However, they didn't so much as ask me a single question nor attempt to suggest that I go for help as an immediate intervention. Oh, well. The thing is, I knew they cared. They tried. However, after 35 years of unremitting severe depression and academic and vocational failure they may have become desensitized.
ChicagoKat, you can't blame yourself and you can't blame your husband, regardless of the outcome of your marital crisis. There is cause and effect. Your husband might have been emotionally abused or neglected, or even bullied as a child. So, is he truly responsible for turning out to be the person he has become? However, the immediate issue is not about his past. It is about yours. It is about you and the history of your relationship with your husband past and present. How can you change the course of your life to make a better future for yourself? Given that there are children to consider, the question, "Should I stay or should I go?", becomes immensely difficult to deliberate.
I think it makes sense to set as your first priority the treatment of your psychobiological illness. At the same time, you could use individual psychotherapy to begin to reconcile your past and honestly evaluate your thoughts and feelings about the present that you don't want and the future that you do want. After the passage of a relatively short period of time, I would then urge your husband to join you in couples counselling using the same psychotherapist.
I wish the best for you. I don't know what that is, though.
If you had your choice do act today, knowing that the dynamics within your marriage would never change, what would you do?
Hint: Suicide is not an option.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on September 26, 2012, at 6:20:16
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble » ChicagoKat, posted by jane d on September 26, 2012, at 5:26:17
Hi Jane.
I think your first paragraph set a tone that I immediately reacted to in a negative manner, such that I was tempted to post a reply to. I decided to watch rather than post to see where things went. I still don't fully understand that first paragraph, and I was hoping you would explain it at some point.
"Give the guy a break. It seems to me he is supporting you in what you said you wanted to do."
Perhaps I misunderstand what Kat's husband was supporting. I thought that it was Kat's plan to commit suicide that her husband was particularly willing to support.
In spite of your opening paragraph, I thought your second paragraph offered very important insights that I wish I had thought of myself.
------------------------------
Dear ChicagoKat,
Please correct me if I am wrong. Also, it would be helpful if you were to share your thoughts and feelings so that we might better understand you and the situation you find yourself in. Considering your proximity to committing suicide, doing so might provide the support and coping strategies that you need right now.
- Scott
Posted by ChicagoKat on September 26, 2012, at 6:30:53
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble » ChicagoKat, posted by AlexCanada on September 26, 2012, at 3:51:10
> Your husband does not sound like he cares at all. It sounds like he has given up on you but it's important that you do not give up on yourself. For him to so easily comply with plans for ''departure'' and even suggest to write it all down does make me agree with you that he is very heartless.
>
> Some people may say couples therapy etc but the reality is that a monster cannot just suddenly start loving you, let alone grow empathy. Confronting this in a realistic rather than an idealistic sense would do you more good in the long run. He really does seem like he simply does not care about you at all. His reactions speak volumes. What can be done about it? In time if you feel better on a particular medication maybe you can move on with your life without him. He already has clearly stated he is willing to move on without you. To him he may feel as if you are already gone. He does not love you but at least you know it and recognize it as such. Someone so heartless. ''Through sickness and in health'' is supossed to mean something.
>
> I been dealing with strong melancholic dep for a decade as well and at various times used to believe it was unlikely for me to ever have any sort of realistic love life but such thoughts stem from being unhealthy. At times I was even involved with a girl whom treated me like dirt but I put up with it because she was the only person in my life. But she was dependent on me due to her own issues and never really truly cared. Life can become stagnant around such people and prevent progress.
>
> Certain medications would lift me out of such darkness. Whether it was Parnate, Paxil, Ritalin, Gabapentin, Emsam, Rhodiola Rosea... it would allow some for some sense of possible acceptance despite my strong depression, and with acceptance would come possibily for relationships which previously seemed impossible. The negative cloud can lift and everything which may tell you to give up is just the chemical inbalance giving you the wrong message.
>
> Try to fight it as best you can as there are always other medical options available if Nardil doesn't cut it so please do not give up on yourself.
>
> What is your diagnosis and how would you describe your symptoms?
>
>
>
> > I'm in my washout before I start Nardil. I have a week left and my mind and body are giving up. Tonight I talked to me husband and I asked, what if the Nardil doesn't work? It's worked for me in the past, but it seems every drug I've ever taken doesn't work for me anymore. Not even advil. I told him I can't feel like this the rest of my life and if the Nardil doesn't work we'll have to very carefully plan my death. His response? He told me to write down everything I want done and to make a copy of it for him. No sympathy, no love, no caring, no support. I'm married to an emotionless monster. No wonder I'm so depressed. I've been having dreams of when I was happy, when I had boyfriends who were fun and who made me laugh. I'm in hell.
>
>Thank you so much for your heartfelt and honest reply, Alex. Ironically, my husband is from Canada too. Anyways, I know I probably need to move on, but I'm just too sick to do so now. Not to mention I'm on disability and dependent on him financially. It seems like no matter what I do, no matter what choices I make, even though I try to think them through very carefully and rationally, I end up screwing my life up. And I don't have a lot of life left at age 47 now.
Hopefully the Nardil will work and I can figure things out.
I feel so bad for you, it sounds like you've been through hell too. Oh, I'm diagnosed with MDD - severe and treatment resistant. I hope you find something that helps you. Don't you give up either! There has to be something for each of us that will be the answer. Hang in there, and if you ever want to talk, I am here
Kat
Posted by ChicagoKat on September 26, 2012, at 6:37:25
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble » ChicagoKat, posted by jane d on September 26, 2012, at 5:26:17
> > > Give the guy a break. It seems to me he is supporting you in what you said you wanted to do. If what you is for him to tell you that you don't know what you're talking about and to reassure you that things will get better then you need to say that to him instead. And I'm guessing that if he did say those things instead right now you'd be angry that he didn't understand how awful you felt.
> > > You probably aren't in a position to judge what his feelings about anything are right now. Most people would probably tell you not to make big decisions like quitting a job or selling a house in your current state of mind. That goes double for making important judgments about what the people closest to you are thinking or feeling. As impossible as it seems you have to try to keep a little bit of distance from your emotions right now. Perhaps picking a date - after the washout and after time for the nardil to start working - when you will allow yourself to feel these things might help you avoid getting overwhelmed by them right now
> > >
> > Well that didn't help. If I had read your post last night I would probably be dead now. You have NO IDEA what my marriage is like and what it's been like even when I was feeling good. You'd do best to stay out of other people's business, especially when it comes to something like a cry for help when someone is suicidal. They should ALWAYS be taken seriously. I wasn't kidding last night, I really felt like there was no way out but to die, obviously you have never felt that way. I came on here as a cry for help, and luckily I read your completely non-helpful answer today when I was feeling better. Luckily I had read Juno's response last night and it helped me get through the night. PLEASE do not respond anymore to posters who are suicidal, you could very well cause their death.
> >
>
> You seem to have completely misunderstood my post. I have no idea whether your husband is a jerk or a saint. If you'd chosen to ask for clarification, instead of just attacking me, you might have spared yourself some unhappiness.
>
>
I'm in no state to try to read between lines or ask for clarification. If you read through your post maybe you will see the lack of caring for the fact that I was suicidal and was crying for help. I'm sorry if I misunderstood you (I still don't understand what you were trying to say), and I'm sorry I attacked you; I was just very upset and emotional at the time, which happens when a person is going through a washout. Let's please just forget about the whole thing and move on. I wish you well
Kat
Posted by ChicagoKat on September 26, 2012, at 7:12:11
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble » AlexCanada, posted by SLS on September 26, 2012, at 5:57:12
> I agree with the sentiments of others that there is something wrong with your marriage relationship. We, here, cannot really know the dynamics of your relationship and identify potential contributions of you and your husband towards your current crisis of feelings.
>
> As for me, I can appreciate the frustration and exaspiration that a husband can experience when acting as a caretaker for his wife, especially when children need caretaking, too. However, something is very wrong when a husband agrees to help his wife to commit suicide, especially while she is in a depressive state. Fortunately, there are resources that one can use to work through those psychosocial issues that exist within the marriage, including the psyche of each individual. If your husband is willing to go for marriage counseling, I would urge you to take advantage of this opportunity. Eventually, this counseling might lead to some individual treatment.
>
> One day, while taking reboxetine, I told my parents that I needed to get my affairs in order. I told them that I wanted to hide as much money as possible so that I could bequeath it to family members rather than have it consumed by the state to pay for my burial. They listened to every word I said and made no attempt to act on this infomation. They pretty much just said "Okay". WTF? It became obvious to me that they were burned-out. They had nothing left to deal with my illness as adults. So, I imagine they used denial as a mechanism against the truth that their son was to commit suicide. By that time, they might have been numb and areactive so as to prevent the bubble of denial to burst.
>
> Of course, there is the possibility that, as adults, they truly thought that I would be better dead than alive. However, they didn't so much as ask me a single question nor attempt to suggest that I go for help as an immediate intervention. Oh, well. The thing is, I knew they cared. They tried. However, after 35 years of unremitting severe depression and academic and vocational failure they may have become desensitized.
>
> ChicagoKat, you can't blame yourself and you can't blame your husband, regardless of the outcome of your marital crisis. There is cause and effect. Your husband might have been emotionally abused or neglected, or even bullied as a child. So, is he truly responsible for turning out to be the person he has become? However, the immediate issue is not about his past. It is about yours. It is about you and the history of your relationship with your husband past and present. How can you change the course of your life to make a better future for yourself? Given that there are children to consider, the question, "Should I stay or should I go?", becomes immensely difficult to deliberate.
>
> I think it makes sense to set as your first priority the treatment of your psychobiological illness. At the same time, you could use individual psychotherapy to begin to reconcile your past and honestly evaluate your thoughts and feelings about the present that you don't want and the future that you do want. After the passage of a relatively short period of time, I would then urge your husband to join you in couples counselling using the same psychotherapist.
>
> I wish the best for you. I don't know what that is, though.
>
> If you had your choice do act today, knowing that the dynamics within your marriage would never change, what would you do?
>
> Hint: Suicide is not an option.
>
>
> - ScottScott,
Thanks for your response. Your words brought tears to my eyes b/c it seems our situations are so similar. The only difference being I don't have children. I wish I did, but I'd probably just screw them up b/c I'm so depressed and the cycle would never end. I have suffered from decades of depression. It used to respond to meds, but a year and a half ago they gave out on me. Then I tried ECT. What a nightmare. Not only did it not help, it made things worse. I still have flashbacks to it and bad dreams about it. My therapist says I am suffering from PTSD from it.
Anyways, I have absolutely the best therapist in the world. She sees me 3x per week and only chargest one co pay. And she is there for me day and night. She really cares, and is really getting to the root of my depression which began from a Mom who never showed she loved me - I can't remember her ever hugging me, but I can remember her yelling at me, even at a very young age to stop crying. Plus there was the fact that my Dad was an alcoholic, and the fact that they were going through a very nasty divorce when I was young. I'll never forget the fighting. I often ask myself, and my therapist, why is it that I succumbed so badly to all of this? There are plenty of people out there who had it bad, if not worse, during childhood, and they are fine. My brother is a case in point. He is a bit eccentric, but otherwise fine,and very successful.My therapist says I was just predisposed to reacting to all the negativity badly..that I am so sensitive that I took it all to heart, plus I was the peacemaker of the family. I always, even when I was 4, tried to stop my parents fighting. And, still at that young age, I tried to make my Mom feel better when she was crying. It should have been the other way around. My therapist says since I was the eldest I tried to shield my brother from it all, and he has told me he just ignored it all. Wish I had done so.
So anyways, long story short, I'm a mess. I really hope the Nardil helps. But I have a suspicion it's the psychotherapy that's really gonna help in the long run. It may take years, but it is more than just a band aid for my problems.
I have come to the conclusion that I married a man who is emotionally distant and non-nurturing just like my Mother. He has agreed to go to counseling and we are going to see my therapist together on Saturday. He does have lots of other wonderful qualities (most important of which is he does not beat the sh*t out of me like my 1st husband did) but I need somone who can be there for me emotionally. Maybe he can learn to do that through counseling, maybe not. We'll see. FOr now I'm gonna concentrate on getting myself better.
Oh, and as far as family being sick of hearing of your misery as you mentioned, the same goes for me. I sometimes feel so damn alone, none of my loved ones want to hear about it anymore. So that is why when I was in crisis the other night I posted here on psycho babble. I've learned this forum is filled with people who are like me and who understand what I'm going through.
Thanks again for your kind post, and I really, really, truly hope that you find an answer that will help you. You are such a kind person you deserve to feel some happiness in your life. And the story you told about planning your suicide and telling your parents you were gonna hide the money broke my heart. You deserve better.
All my best,
Kat
Posted by ChicagoKat on September 26, 2012, at 7:20:56
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble, posted by SLS on September 26, 2012, at 6:20:16
> Hi Jane.
>
> I think your first paragraph set a tone that I immediately reacted to in a negative manner, such that I was tempted to post a reply to. I decided to watch rather than post to see where things went. I still don't fully understand that first paragraph, and I was hoping you would explain it at some point.
>
> "Give the guy a break. It seems to me he is supporting you in what you said you wanted to do."
>
> Perhaps I misunderstand what Kat's husband was supporting. I thought that it was Kat's plan to commit suicide that her husband was particularly willing to support.
>
> In spite of your opening paragraph, I thought your second paragraph offered very important insights that I wish I had thought of myself.
>
> ------------------------------
>
> Dear ChicagoKat,
>
> Please correct me if I am wrong. Also, it would be helpful if you were to share your thoughts and feelings so that we might better understand you and the situation you find yourself in. Considering your proximity to committing suicide, doing so might provide the support and coping strategies that you need right now.
>
>
> - Scott
>My original post was a cry for help because when I told my husband that I planned to commit suicide if the Nardil didn't help - and I as absolutely, completely serious about this at the time - it seemed he didn't care at all, just wanted to know what to do if that eventuality occurred. It made me feel like he didn't love me, didn't care if I died, would be glad to be rid of me. That's why I posted here on psycho babble b/c none of my loved ones want to hear my misery from me anymore.
Kat
Posted by jono_in_adelaide on September 26, 2012, at 23:57:07
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble » AlexCanada, posted by SLS on September 26, 2012, at 5:57:12
There isnt a day when i still dont think that it might be better to end it all.
When things were very bad, I managed to aquire 500 tablets of amitriptyline off of the internet.... and I cant bring my self to flush them.... it seems important to me to have that option avaliable, even if I have no intention of using it.
Posted by SLS on September 27, 2012, at 8:19:21
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble, posted by jono_in_adelaide on September 26, 2012, at 23:57:07
> There isnt a day when i still dont think that it might be better to end it all.
>
> When things were very bad, I managed to aquire 500 tablets of amitriptyline off of the internet.... and I cant bring my self to flush them.... it seems important to me to have that option avaliable, even if I have no intention of using it.You know, with all of the medical literature that I managed to get through, never once did I go out of my way to research how best to leave life via autoeuthanasia. I never formulated a plan. I simply refused to allow myself go there. The one time that I came close to doing so was while I was taking reboxetine. The degree to which that drug exacerbated my depression was horrific.
- Scott
Posted by ChicagoKat on September 27, 2012, at 14:14:51
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble, posted by jono_in_adelaide on September 26, 2012, at 23:57:07
> There isnt a day when i still dont think that it might be better to end it all.
>
> When things were very bad, I managed to aquire 500 tablets of amitriptyline off of the internet.... and I cant bring my self to flush them.... it seems important to me to have that option avaliable, even if I have no intention of using it.Oh Juno, I hate to think of you feeling so bad. You are such a wonderful person and have helped me so very much I so wish I could help you. I understand keeping all that amitrypitiline....it's like a crutch that gets you through each day. But I so wish you could feel better so you didn't need it and could flush it. I would be SO sad if you ended it all. Do you have a good therapist? Mine is REALLY helping me, as are you and many of the people on this board. Hopefully you will find the right mix of drugs and a good therapist who really helps you so you can feel better. I wish it with all my heart. If you ever need to talk,just for support or b/c you are in crisis, I am here.
All my best,
Kat
Posted by ChicagoKat on September 27, 2012, at 14:18:04
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble, posted by SLS on September 27, 2012, at 8:19:21
> > There isnt a day when i still dont think that it might be better to end it all.
> >
> > When things were very bad, I managed to aquire 500 tablets of amitriptyline off of the internet.... and I cant bring my self to flush them.... it seems important to me to have that option avaliable, even if I have no intention of using it.
>
> You know, with all of the medical literature that I managed to get through, never once did I go out of my way to research how best to leave life via autoeuthanasia. I never formulated a plan. I simply refused to allow myself go there. The one time that I came close to doing so was while I was taking reboxetine. The degree to which that drug exacerbated my depression was horrific.
>
>
> - ScottDear Scott,
I hope you never find a way to commit autoeuthenasia. You are too wonderful a person, wise, intelligent, and caring. You deserve to feel better. I am feeliing MUCH better, mostly thanks to you and Juno. If you ever need to talk, please let me know. I am thinking of you.
All my best,
Kat
Posted by jono_in_adelaide on September 27, 2012, at 21:15:02
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble » SLS, posted by ChicagoKat on September 27, 2012, at 14:18:04
The only thing that stopped me was my mother, she had suffered the same stuff i had (depression, anxiety, panic attacks) as well as 10 years when she slipped into alcoholism, plus a divorce and raising us kids alone.... she hadnt had an easy life, and i decided that I couldnt burden her with her child committing suicide.
Posted by SLS on September 27, 2012, at 21:36:23
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble, posted by jono_in_adelaide on September 27, 2012, at 21:15:02
> The only thing that stopped me was my mother, she had suffered the same stuff i had (depression, anxiety, panic attacks) as well as 10 years when she slipped into alcoholism, plus a divorce and raising us kids alone.... she hadnt had an easy life, and i decided that I couldnt burden her with her child committing suicide.
Whatever it takes...
I hope you always find a reason not to.
You know, uncertainty acts to prevent me from leaving life so quickly. I am uncertain that there is anything more than this. I am unwilling to gamble that there is an afterlife.
- Scott
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