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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by med_empowered on October 21, 2005, at 11:52:33
hey! I'm a 21 year old guy. I have a really, REALLY strained relationship with my parents. I'm trying to go back to college after a pretty rough period--intense social anxiety (I stopped going to class...or even leaving my house), intense depression (I was hospitalized), and such. Now, I find that my parents are...ignoring me? I know it sounds like I'm whiny and dependent, and maybe I am, but I'd appreciate a supportive relationship with my parents. As it is, they drop by, ask me "how are you feeling today?", and then there's some mindless chatter, and then we go our separate ways. Sometimes, to be honest, I can be extremely hostile, but I have my reasons...my mom is an alcoholic and has been for a long time; my dad has never done anything to improve the situation or even defend me from her vicious, drunken attacks ("I hate you" "You're worthless" etc. etc.). In addition, my parents can be downright mean. I'm trying to transfer, so I can fix my GPA and pursue grad school...when I told my dad this, he laughed at me. LAUGHED. It still haunts me, and he still hasn't apologized; the day after, he called me to say that "he didn't sleep well" after our conversation....I told him I had slept fine, thanks. I bring it up now and then, and he always excuses himself by saying that my going to grad school seemed "so unrealistic, at the time" (apparently, he's changed his tune. Who knows?) Plus, he's told me that I'm not that smart (I've been in gifted classes since I was 7, I graduated high school early, and pretty much all my teachers and professors have told me I'm bright, even if I did tend to under-perform...I just don't get where he comes from with this idea that I'm stupid). Now, my parents seem if anything...un-interested. After I was hospitalized (more accurate word: committed), I couldn't continue living at home anymore. My dad would stand over me and make me take my meds while he watched; I felt like a prisoner, and I still harbor a lot of anger and resentment over the whole thing. So..I got another place, nearby. Now I'd like to move, and I try to talk to my parents about it and...I get nothing. No suggestions, no "do this, try this, don't do that" just...do whatever. Not in the "we support you" kind of way, just in the...we don't care kind of way.
What do I do? I feel like I'm capable, I really do, but...I'm haunted by everything people (particularly my parents) have said. I'm stupid. I'm lazy. I'm worthless. Maybe...I'm not meant for (read: smart enough for) college. Maybe I should just go ahead and get a minimum wage state job...I could make an OK livning with seniority, and there are benefits, after all. That kind of thing. It irritates me, angers me, and...damages me. I feel like maybe I am stupid, like maybe I am worthless and lazy...I just can't stop these things from floating around in my head. Sometimes I strike out at my parents now. I moved back here b/c my parents decided it wasn't "worth it" to keep me at the college I was going to. Now I'm miserable (keep in mind: I graduated at 16 and left home early b/c I HATE it here). When I try to talk to them about it...its like they don't understand. How could I possibly hate it here? The other day I told my dad that "sometimes, I wake up..and I feel like I'm in hell." This is true. He still hasn't talked to me further about it. I feel as if I'm just expected to be stupid and/or crazy, and that they think the best I can do is give up and accept it. I think part of the problem is I don't want to follow my parent's "program" anymore. All my life, I've felt like they're trying to "fix" something in me--they'd make digging comments (your clothes look funny, you're fat, etc.) and do stuff (enroll me in sports, force me to go to certain programs) to "help" me. I don't want to be "helped"; I want support in doing my own thing. After I was hospitalized, they wanted to send me to some sort of super-christian thing to help "troubled" young people. I told my parents I thought it was a mind f*ck--which I think it was, and is. I mean, I was at my weakest point, and what did they want to do? Send me their (gay, crazy) son to some bible-thumping boot camp...again, I felt like they were trying to "fix" me, and I'd prefer not be "fixed," thank you. So...what do I do? Give up? How do I deal with these negative, hateful comments floating around in my head? Please, please help.
Posted by crazy teresa on October 21, 2005, at 22:07:45
In reply to What to do about my parents..., posted by med_empowered on October 21, 2005, at 11:52:33
Part of being an adult is that life sucks.
Another part is that as an adult, you get to make your own decisions. That doesn't mean life won't suck, but hey, at least you get to decide.
I know that you want to hear different things from your parents than what you're being told, but the cold hard reality is that you may never hear it due to the unhealthy choices they have made. It is your mom's choice to continue drinking and your dad's choice to enable her. And although there is no excuse for mental abuse; it is a choice they make to say the things they have said to you.
Now that's you're an adult, you have the choice whether to stay and believe them or get out of there and make a better life for yourself.
Do NOT let the past dictate your future! We all experience problems and setbacks; some moreso than others. The difference is ultimately what you do with what you've experienced. Use it against yourself (as your parents seem to want to use it against you) or use it to learn from and move forward (go to school.)
PLEASE, PLEASE, don't believe what they're telling you. Don't settle for a life of less than what you're fully capable of. If you do, you will always resent yourself for settling. You may also resent your parents even more by caving in and allowing them to prove themselves right (which would do nothing to help improve your relationship)!
Go for broke-- remove yourself from such a stressful situation-- move out, get in school and do well, just like you know you can. It may not be easy, but it will definitely be worth the struggle.
We'll be here to cheer you on, no matter what!
Feeling like your newly adopted virtual mother,
crazy teresa
Posted by med_empowered on October 22, 2005, at 3:08:32
In reply to Re: What to do about my parents... » med_empowered, posted by crazy teresa on October 21, 2005, at 22:07:45
Thanks! In one short, very forward (but polite, supportive, and kind) message, you've managed to do what therapists, friends, and psychiatrists have been unable to do: point out the undesirable and negative effects my parents' behavior has had one me, and at the same time push me to take responsibility for my own life (while acknowledging that its difficult, and that slips and stumbles are unavoidable), while providing me with the support needed to help me do what I can do and need to do to have a fulfilling, meaningful existence. Thanks alot. My goal is to get to the point where I can deal with my parents, who they are, were, and will be, without attaching any real significance to their (usually negative) input. In the end, I want to find ways to counterbalance what I've dealt with so I can accept it, but still feel good about myself because I have positive input from other people (and my own personal accomplishments). I don't want to sit around and whine about what has happened and continues to happen, but I do feel there has to be a point at which I can say "this sucks. they are unhealthy and dragging me down"...I just dont see how I could just "forget about it" and "tune it out" without setting up some system for getting the kind of positive feedback and relationships I need (and which everyone needs, really). Again, thanks **very** much.
PS--I've applied for schools out-of-state, and I'm in the process of making arrangements to move within the next 1-2 months.
Posted by crazy teresa on October 22, 2005, at 9:04:40
In reply to Crazy Teresa...you rock!, posted by med_empowered on October 22, 2005, at 3:08:32
I'm so excited for you! It makes me want to go gather up a bunch of stuff for you to use once you've moved out, put casseroles in your freezer, and mail you pizza coupons! ;~}
Actually, I can't take any credit for anything I told you. I learned it from "Changes That Heal", it absolutely changed my life. I no longer choose to be a victim. Boundries are fabulous-- who knew?!
Of course I still have to deal with crap like my mother and her negativity, but it's not my job to make her happy (she never will be unless she decides she can be; NOTHING I do will anyway), nor is it my job to change her (only she can decide to work on her attitude, get medication, etc.), or try to make her life any different (it's her life to live as she chooses).
As painful as it is to limit my (and my family's) exposure to my mom, it had to be done for my own mental health. I only see her a few times a year; not all visits are good. But it is much easier to deal with her a few times a year and from 3 hours away, physically.
The postings of yours that I've read sound very intelligent! I'm sure you'll do very well in school. Would you care to share what you're planning to study? I'd love to hear all about it!
crazy t
Posted by ed_uk on October 29, 2005, at 16:16:24
In reply to What to do about my parents..., posted by med_empowered on October 21, 2005, at 11:52:33
Dear Med,
Crazy T gives good advice! You're very bright, you *can* do well at college if you want to. You're clearly very interested in sociology, I think you'd really enjoy it if you studied sociology at college.
I know how intelligent you are from your posts on the med board :-) I read all your posts. You always have something valuable and interesting to say.
I think you need to get away from your parents. They are damaging your mental health and it's not right. At college, you will make good friends: it will make a world of difference to how you feel.
>All my life, I've felt like they're trying to "fix" something in me--they'd make digging comments (your clothes look funny, you're fat, etc.) and do stuff (enroll me in sports, force me to go to certain programs) to "help" me. I don't want to be "helped"; I want support in doing my own thing. After I was hospitalized, they wanted to send me to some sort of super-christian thing to help "troubled" young people. I told my parents I thought it was a mind f*ck--which I think it was, and is. I mean, I was at my weakest point, and what did they want to do? Send me their (gay, crazy) son to some bible-thumping boot camp...again, I felt like they were trying to "fix" me, and I'd prefer not be "fixed," thank you.
You don't need to be fixed Med. Do your own thing! Go to college and meet a nice boyfriend! The boot camp sounds like a nightmare.
Kind regards
Ed
Posted by lynn971 on December 30, 2005, at 21:53:07
In reply to What to do about my parents..., posted by med_empowered on October 21, 2005, at 11:52:33
Med,
I answered your post about Christmas Eve before I read this post. I am glad that I put on there that you have a lot of wisdom.
Dont let anyone crush your dream. You can and will succeed in college. I am apalled at the fact that someone would tell you that you cant make it. I am so angry. Hold your head up high. Dont let anyone bring you down. You have made a difference in my life. When I post on the med board, I always hope that you answer.
You are a great person. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise.
I also cant believe they would tell you that you are fat. OMG out of everything in the horrible world to worry about, they are going to say that you are fat. Oh I am angry. They obviousely do not realize how great of a person you are. They say your close look funny!!
I will have to stop, because I dont want to help you get any angrier than you might already be.
I had to forgive my mom for a lifetime of verbal and physical abuse.
When I chose to forgive her, the healing began. Bitterness and unforgiveness will hold you back. Even if your parents are not to cool, try to forgive for your own sake. I had to forgive my dad too. He did not do the abusing, but he did not stop it either. I think I had a harder time forgiving him. Well, I guess I will stop ranting now. I hope I helped.Your friend,
Lynn
Posted by sam K on September 15, 2008, at 23:15:35
In reply to What to do about my parents..., posted by med_empowered on October 21, 2005, at 11:52:33
Hey I totally feel ya. My dad is a peice of trash. We've had a crappy relationship for so long and he does nothing to improve it; and then b*tches about how I am not changing. Wow, Ive taken so many meds, Ive taken so much time thinking about how I can improve our relationship while he does the same things over and over again.
Tonight Ive had a realization that hes just unintelligent, if he were he wouldnt be hurting my feelings. No one enjoys genuinly hurting people. Hes just too unintelligent to fix it. HE CANT WRAP HIS MIND AROUND IT. lol. Ive been where he's at. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. hehe.Well I wish the best for you! Forgive those basta*ds. hehe jkin.
PS I didnt read the second paragraph of your post, so I hope this makes sense
This is the end of the thread.
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