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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on May 14, 2008, at 14:53:39
I guess this belongs here, since it's resonating most strongly with this aspect of myself.
Lately I've been having a lot of issues about Boundaries. Or, as my T delicately put it, "boy, does your spouse ever have a lot to teach you lately about boundaries!" As in - he has none - and I'm finding it awkward and difficult to establish my own. It's making me feel worthless and selfish rather than empowered - go figure.
They vary from being able to establish some privacy of my own at home here on the computer - it's when I'm at the keyboard that he's most likely to ask me a question, or even stand behind me. It's touchy since he works from home and I'm not working a regular job, so we're around each other almost 24/7. There are times when I feel crowded. I'm able to take refuge in playing solitaire on my Palm Pilot, of all things - nothing can get through that!, and sometimes, in reading a book.
Sometimes I just turn off the computer and wait until he goes back to his office, so I'm not bothered.
I'm also having to establish some rather firm boundaries with his family. Most recently with his parents, who raised a fuss when I told them that I couldn't sleep on their pull out sofa without incurring a bill from my chiropractor. You would have thought that I had betrayed their trust somehow in telling them this small and innocent truth ("Nobody else has even complained about the bed before" - well, duh!) And it was an enormous inconvenience to haul out the air mattress that they had anyway, and set it up under their dining room table. DH slept on the aforementioned sofa, in the not-pulled-out to torture position, in the guest room. There wasn't room for both of us.
I'm still hearing about this, two weeks on. Like it's my fault their 40 year old sofa is crippling.
It's a lonely place to be putting up all these boundaries. They hurt. My T tries to reassure me that they won't as much the next time I have to put them up - and the other party won't be as gobsmacked either, because I'll have pulled rank at least once before. It sure is uncomfortable, though, like a new pair of shoes that look really good on your feet, but make them ache until they're broken in.
It's no wonder I'm in such a bad mood.
Posted by fayeroe on May 14, 2008, at 19:19:21
In reply to A mixed bag, posted by ClearSkies on May 14, 2008, at 14:53:39
I know where you are coming from, sorta. I've sent food back in a restaurant and the response has been, "welllll, NO one has ever complained about our chopped liver ala mode before!"....
We have the right to speak up if something isn't right for us and hurrah for you for telling them that the sofa bed isn't comfortable for you. Your explanation should have been enough and it is rude of the in-laws to act as if you are responsible for the sorry state that health care is in!
I can't stand for anyone to stand behind me and it has been more bothersome since I started teaching at GEO.....I won't let an offender behind me for any reason......I'd be uncomfortable too if my husband (where is that invisible man?) stood behind me while I was on the computer. Have you gently told him that "that dog won't hunt" when he takes his position?
Boundaries used to be very, very hard for me until I got knocked down so many times that I finally decided **** that **** and started declaring certain things off limits...I had my worst time with my daughters and ex-husbands.
xoxoxo pat
Posted by llurpsienooDle on May 16, 2008, at 9:36:28
In reply to A mixed bag, posted by ClearSkies on May 14, 2008, at 14:53:39
Good for you! sticking up for yourself is very important. The only thing is that it's a habit that you have to nurture. At first it can be very uncomfortable, but with time and practice, you can learn to say "no this is unacceptable"
You've come to the right board. This is a friendly place.
((((((cs))))))
love,
-Ll
Posted by ClearSkies on May 16, 2008, at 16:16:48
In reply to Re: A mixed bag » ClearSkies, posted by llurpsienooDle on May 16, 2008, at 9:36:28
> Good for you! sticking up for yourself is very important. The only thing is that it's a habit that you have to nurture. At first it can be very uncomfortable, but with time and practice, you can learn to say "no this is unacceptable"
>I sure don't feel my 45 years - more like a little kid afraid to tell her mom that she just broke something very valuable. That's the kind of emotional weight that standing up for myself carries. Weird how I'm able to do it as a consumer with no problem, and in business with no problem either - but when it comes to myself and my own values, I rank myself way, way down low on the totem pole of Life.
I can attribute some of this sliding down to my depression and the isolation that has crept into my daily life. And my last couple of job experiences were esteem-crushers.
> You've come to the right board. This is a friendly place.
But it's a bit quiet!
>
> ((((((cs))))))
>
> love,
> -Lllove right back to you - and many sticky hugs!
Posted by ClearSkies on May 20, 2008, at 20:45:42
In reply to A mixed bag, posted by ClearSkies on May 14, 2008, at 14:53:39
About boundaries. She has very clear boundaries and has no trouble whatever enforcing them. If she wants to be with you, she'll get as close as she wants. She'll tolerate being handled if it's in exactly the right places for exactly the correct amount of time. The second your hand strays to a spot that is Off Limits for her, she just jumps away. No hissing or growling; she's just beyond your reach. Same with once the petting thing has gone on long enough.
She doesn't seem the least bit neurotic, especially compared to me, lately. I'm as skittish as, well, as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Hair-trigger responses to any kind of pressure from my DH (having to do with our business, for instance). He seems to be pretty neutral, and I seem to be the one in the relationship holding all the emotion. What would it feel like to let all of that go? Where would I be without those thoughts, that I *had* to respond to his pressure?
So what if I just bounced out of the room, say, until I didn't feel triggered any more? To NOT respond to what I feel is a push, or a trigger. Can I do it?
I must watch my happy cat more closely.
This is the end of the thread.
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