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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sfmom on July 2, 2004, at 23:45:46
After resisting for a lot of reasons, I'm flying to South Carolina next Thursday to see my grandfather before he dies.
He was supposed to come out for my wedding in April, but he broke his hip late last year and was in a care facility. (That's just one of the things that sent me down the road to madness, or whatever this is.) Since then, he's pretty much much stopped eating.
Although he never seemed to care much for kids, Grandpa really fell in love with his great-granddaughter (my daughter Rosalie). So I had vacation scheduled for around Labor Day to go and visit but mom said that would be too late. Then two weeks ago my husband and I found a house we fell in love with and bid on it. We take possession on the 14th. My daughter and I leave to SC on the 8th.
I guess what all of this is leading up to is that I am scared to go. I am scared to see him knowing that I'm saying goodbye. I don't know how I will explain anything to my daughter. (The sudden death of one of my best friends a couple months ago elicited questions about "where did she go?" which I didn't know how to answer.) And at the same time, I'm angry at my family for making/guilting me into going when I should be packing and moving into my new house. I know it's self-centered, but somehow I'm angry at all of them.
But I don't want to f*ck up this last chance. I don't want to regret any part of it. I've never had the chance before to say goodbye to someone that I loved. So I guess what I'm asking is your advice/knowledge about how to make the most of this trip. How do I make it meaningful for my daugher without being traumatic?
And at the same time I'm writing this I'm feeling guilty for not staying in contact on this board and for just posting when I need help. I'm sorry, if I'm being selfish. But I'd really appriciate advice.
Posted by Jai Narayan on July 3, 2004, at 20:40:58
In reply to One last chance, posted by sfmom on July 2, 2004, at 23:45:46
First off, breath.
Then know that once you get there you will be able to look at him and hold his hand.When I had the chance to say good by to someone I loved. I just held her hand, brushed her hair and told her I loved her. I was there....
that's all you have to do....just show up. I think you will know what to do. Your daughter will have questions....children's questions are always so deep and profound. Just tell her the truth. Tell her what you know and feel. She trusts you and loves you.
If you can just open your heart to the gifts you will receive at the end of your grandfathers life.
The process will lead you to its ultimate end.
Remember to breath.
Posted by gardenergirl on July 4, 2004, at 22:50:56
In reply to One last chance, posted by sfmom on July 2, 2004, at 23:45:46
I'm sorry you are facing this right now. It sounds like you have a lot going on. I think Jai's advice (as usual) is great. Just being there, letting the person know you are there if necessary, and saying something simple is fine. I went to see a friend of mine who was in an ICU unit dying of AIDS a few years ago. It was so hard for me to see him like that, and initially, I didn't feel comfortable going too close to him or touching him, because he just didn't look like himself. And I was afraid I would hurt him. But it got easier when I just started talking. I said hello, told him I was there, and told him that my husband to be and I had set a wedding date. He was not very conscious and could not speak, but I believe he responded, as I heard his breathing changing slightly, like a little, glad sigh. I was glad, later, that I said goodbye.
In the moment, it may seem surreal. Just keep breathing and keep it simple.
I don't know how old your daughter is, but children do have questions. Maria Shriver wrote a book for children about family members dying. I wish I knew the name of it, but it looked really good. There are probably several good ones out there that can help if she continues to have questions.
And please remember to take extra care of yourself. Travel and buying a house are stressful enough themselves. Dealing with the pending loss of a family member certainly adds to that.
Take care,
gg
Posted by Jai Narayan on July 5, 2004, at 21:25:28
In reply to Re: One last chance » sfmom, posted by gardenergirl on July 4, 2004, at 22:50:56
Posted by sfmom on July 5, 2004, at 23:04:16
In reply to Oh gg that was so sweet. thanks! (nm), posted by Jai Narayan on July 5, 2004, at 21:25:28
Thank you to both of you! Your words were so sweet. I know I'm lucky just to have the oportunity to say goodbye. It's just that I'm so good at messing things up and then regretting them later, I guess I wanted to go into this with some kind of a plan or something. And yes, breath is very good advice for me. Oftentimes I forget to do just that. Thank you so much. Wish me luck, I leave on Thursday.
Lyssa
Posted by gardenergirl on July 6, 2004, at 11:05:47
In reply to Re: Oh gg that was so sweet. thanks!, posted by sfmom on July 5, 2004, at 23:04:16
This is the end of the thread.
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