![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 22 to 46 of 55. Go back in thread:
Posted by katia on August 2, 2004, at 14:41:52
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 2, 2004, at 14:02:46
> Hi Katia,
> Well, good news at least about Shashee.GREAT NEWS! Maybe little Shashee was feeling a little ignored and wanted some attention! Sly little critter - smart little critter.
Moving sounds good. Where are you thinking? I know I won't stay here forever - too crowded and fast. BUT wherever peaceful spot I go next (in about three years), it will have to be one like you described - watch out for those churches and bars seek out an aware community.
Thank you for the kind words about Rock. I just spoke with Cathy on the phone minutes before I got this posting of yours. She is coming over Thursday to do some work with Rock and me. She is so blown away by our pure love together and Rock as such a special being. She's writing his story for a publication about animals and telepathy. He is an ambassador. He was soooo sooo special. IS.
I got an email from the breeders of him (who showed him in those pictures of Rock you saw five years ago). They are so upset over his mistreatment and abuse. He said that Rock was the BEST dog with temperment and personality; his hackles never even raised around other dogs. I contacted them in search of Rock's baby pictures.F*** those damn people who abuse these precious living beings.
Cathy does work over the phone. She just needs a description of the animal/pet and she came start commmunicating. She is a healer. Maybe it's something you want to do? She's helped me so much. I don't know what I would've done without her during this time. I needed to understand more and she helped with that.
Hope you get some sleep and rest.
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 3, 2004, at 13:07:26
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 2, 2004, at 14:41:52
Hi Katia,
What is Cathy's info again? I could look in old posts but if you have it handy... I want to let you know that you and Rock are now on a 24-hour 30 day prayer circle. Never hurts to have good words and intentions from others.I slept all day yesterday and feel like a new person. Very rested, after all the trauma of the past few weeks. Thank the good spirits for benzos. I wouldn't have been able to just let down and sleep without them. It takes alot to knock me out, even when I'm exhausted.
We're thinking moving to the Ashland, OR area. Are you familiar with Ashland? Alot of cultural events, spiritual communities, good eatin' joints, gorgeous scenery, jobs, and not crowded at all. The Shakespeare Festival is a big Summer event. It's getting fairly expensive so we can't drag our heels too long.
In the past, any major move was prompted by some sort of catastrophe, some major reason or other. Moving is such a royal pain. It's easy to put up with situations not in one's best interest, so as not to go through the hassle. We'd probably still be in Marin if our landlord's daughter didn't need a place to live in a big hurry and we had to move out in a big hurry. The economy and housing prices were so high in the Bay Area that we just upped and moved to Oregon on blind faith and never looked back. Portland started getting crowded and expensive - the reason we wanted to leave the Bay Area. We moved to this little redneck community, with some idyllic notions of quilting bees and country dances. More like country flailing and country puking at the local bars, the only community venues in town (besides the very conservative churches). Been a good cave experience, but it's time to move out of the cave. Especially since this cave breeds asthma.
Thanks for your sweet words on Shashee. She's been sticking close by but she has a big bite mark on her head, like some animal chomped on her. I hate this worrying about them. I'd love to have a huge fenced in compound. I don't know how people with kids do it. I would be a total wreck every time they were out of my site. But sometimes I wonder if I'd have the same total love for human kids than for my furry ones.
Hope you're healing a little better each day. You and Rock are in my thoughts and prayers. If you get those puppy pictures, please post them. - Barbara
Posted by katia on August 3, 2004, at 14:46:15
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 3, 2004, at 13:07:26
Hi Barbara,
Is it your prayer circle? Thank you for that. We could use it. I'm having a rough time, but today is better than before. I still feel queasy though. I'm getting ready to go on a walk for the first time since that night. Rock and I went to a different field to throw the tennis ball; one we'd never been to before because I sensed danger in the air and wanted to be hidden. He lost his ball that night in the woods. I want to find it today.Her name is Cathy Malkin. her website is www.animalmuse.com
Best wishes for energy and inspiration for your move. Once you're there, you'll be glad. Just put it in gear and then collapse once you're there.
take good care,
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 3, 2004, at 15:18:06
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 3, 2004, at 14:46:15
The prayer circle is two: Silent Unity, and The Living Enrichment Center in Wilsonville, OR, a wonderful New Thought church that I miss very much that used to be near where we lived.
The move won't happen for at least 1 year. The target is next October. I want to do it right, keep a steady beat on clearing out and getting ready. There is so much junk to clean out from years of bright idea projects that never came to fruition. I've carried this stuff with me for too many moves thinking I'd get to it in 'the new place'. If I lived 900 years I wouldn't have time to finish these projects, but they seemed a good idea at the time. Thankfully we have a humongo sized garage - and I must say that the stuff is very neatly on the many shelves - otherwise I'd be too embarrassed to have anyone over to my house. I recall a great term C.H.A.O.S, or Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. As long as no one peeks in the garage, my home looks like someone relatively normal lives here.
Good luck on your walk. Revisiting favorite places is so hard without your buddy. Walks are so much more fun with a pup. Feels safer too. I've been praying for his soul, Katia. It never hurts, although I'm sure he was able to find the Light with no problem. I like to think that Rock and Merlin have met up with each other and are frisking about. What fun they must be having! I like that thought. Cats and dogs probably get along just fine in the Great Beyond.
Have you had any dreams about him? I had one very minor one where Merlin was walking into another room. I had many dreams like this of my Mom at first. I'd see her walking into another room and I'd call out to her but she kept on walking. A few months later she came to me with some powerful 'real' dreams. I'm sure it takes them a little while to come down from the absolute blissful high they're on at first. New things to do, places to go, old friends to catch up with.
Just got a call that Merlin's ashes are ready to be picked up. I'm not sure why we hold on to these things since they are long gone, but he's got a special place all set up for him. I sure don't understand death, but I guess we're not supposed to. We're supposed to do the best we can without any guarantees. A long strange trip, this life.
> Is it your prayer circle? Thank you for that. We could use it. I'm having a rough time, but today is better than before. I still feel queasy though. I'm getting ready to go on a walk for the first time since that night. Rock and I went to a different field to throw the tennis ball; one we'd never been to before because I sensed danger in the air and wanted to be hidden. He lost his ball that night in the woods. I want to find it today.
>
> Her name is Cathy Malkin. her website is www.animalmuse.com
>
> Best wishes for energy and inspiration for your move. Once you're there, you'll be glad. Just put it in gear and then collapse once you're there.
> take good care,
> Katia
Posted by katia on August 3, 2004, at 15:51:23
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 3, 2004, at 15:18:06
Rock's ashes are here too. I was so thankful to pick them up. He was a big boy! I put the cedar box on my lap as I drove and I felt more at peace as though he was sitting on my lap. He used to do that in the car. He'd jump up front and then jump over in my lap with his forepaws and shoulders; his head just under mine. It felt so nice. I'd have to drive with bowed out arms. I loved being close to him and him me obviously. He ALWAYS wanted to be touching me whenever we were in the same room. It wasn't enough to be in the same room.
So when I got the box, I sighed a relief and cried so hard. I set up an alter with his ashes and flowers, pictures, balls, bones, leash, collar, candles, and cards. I light the candles everyday to honor his life and passing. I hope the candles will help him find his way. Cathy will come over thursday.
I couldn't find the ball. It was two weeks ago, someone must have taken it. Another dog perhaps...they justlove finding tennis balls. The ones who love them. Rock was the best dog. He knew how to be a dog and play with balls and sticks and bones. He never begged for food, never chewed up anything that wasn't his, he even knew exactly how to hide and be discreet when going #2potty. He'd always find a bush and stick his bottom in the middle of it and then go looking out at me. I'd always bring bags but never had to use them. He was perfect in every way except the dog aggression which was created mainly by those "bad men".
Maybe Rock is with Merlin. I'm sure they would be as we are both mourning together and you know they haven't left us yet.
take care-
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 4, 2004, at 12:30:36
In reply to In Honor of Their Passing » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 3, 2004, at 15:51:23
He sounds like quite the dog - and quite the character! It's so wonderful for them that they were so loved. I've felt this for so long and Merlin's little voice confirmed it for me. The unbounded love that's generated between a well-loved and loving animal and their human turbo-charges both of their spiritual evolutions (he used the word 'cat-a-pult' of course). But especially the animal's, because it teaches them to love in a higher way.
It was meant to be that Rock found you, even for just a short time. It's obvious you were both changed by the experience. I was so lucky to have Merlin for 14 years. We were so close, so bonded. I marvel at the miracle of the bond and communication between two different species. It's the closest I come to realizing that we are all connected - one being expressing in different forms.
I can now devote more time to the critters who are still here. They've been a little ignored during the past 7 months of intensive Merlin care. I wish I could do something with animals. I'm considering animal assisted therapy.
Let me know how it goes with Cathy - I know you will but please know that I'm very interested in this. I will most likely get in touch with her myself. For obvious Merlin reasons, but also our big fluffy white 'blond' cat simply won't use the litter box and if Cathy can help with this frustrating mundane issue, I will be forever grateful. I hate those little hidden pockets of stale cat pee I discover all over the house. - Barbara
Posted by woolav on August 4, 2004, at 14:50:06
In reply to Re: Merlin's fantastic passing » fayeroe, posted by BarbaraCat on July 29, 2004, at 12:59:03
I have read all the posts about Merlin. It gets me in the heart. I had to put down my cocker spaniel about 6 yrs ago from cancer. She fought hard, but I was and still am, fragile mentally. So, it takes alot to just get myself through life. But, anyway, I have panic disorder and lots of other goodies...But when my dog was sick, I couldnt really deal with it. I kinda tried to block it because i thought i would end up in a mental hospital or something. And i have a daughter to raise. So, i had to try to keep myself going and i couldnt do what i wanted for her. And to this day, i feel such guilt. I couldnt even be in the room when they put her to sleep. I have hated myself for that and other things since then. But she did come to me in a dream and she was "glowing" like an angel and i knew she wanted me to know she was okay. About a year after her passing, i rescued a dog from the pound who was days away from being put down herself. And i have given her all my heart. And i know one day, i will have to deal with her passing and i pray that i will be strong enough.
S
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 4, 2004, at 15:24:25
In reply to Re: Merlin's fantastic passing, posted by woolav on August 4, 2004, at 14:50:06
**Dear S,
Thank you so much for your beautiful post. It brought tears to my heart. Sometimes I wonder about opening so wide to love, knowing that it inevitably leads to deep pain. But also deep wonder and joy. I think we humans have a hard time, a fear almost, of joy, knowing that we'll lose it. I sure have identified that my issues in life are around fear of loss. At least it's a good thing to know. I also clench around what 'might happen' in the future, but I'm learning, slowly, that these things rarely happen and if they do, I've always been able to handle them. Sometimes not so well, but here I am, still alive and still learning.Being totally in the moment, no matter what is going on, seems to be the key. I had panic disorder for years. It was by far the most awful thing I ever went through. I can take 'life sucks' depression, but panic will bring me to my knees. But since learning more and more how to breathe into each moment and realizing that in the moment I can handle anything, has helped tremendously. Even Merlin's very traumatizing death where he struggled so hard to keep living was a sacred event, a wonder beyond words.
I hope you can find a way to heal this difficult disorder in yourself. Praying helps me. Sometimes I have no idea who or what is listening, but I know someone is.
The experience of your pup glowing was real. Things like that are gifts, and you know at the time that they're true. We can't know for sure what happens in the Hereafter, but experiences like that where we can open to the feeling allow us to have hope that there is a reason for all things.
Good for you for adopting the pound puppy. This sounds like it was guided by your little lost one. They do things like that, have their paw in our lives. I share your grief about the situation regarding not being able to be there. But we do the best we can. In retrospect it always seems like we could have done this and that, and we probably could have. But no one appears out of the clouds and gives us a To Do list in life. The first order of all things is to vow to learn from life's lessons and then forgive ourselves for not being perfect.
I don't know what your beliefs are. I am a very lapsed recovering Catholic and by no means a practicing Christian. My beliefs are very eclectic, a mixture of all things. But I do believe in the loving presence of the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, the Guide. If you can begin to chat with this Holy Presence and ask for guidance, you will receive it. The best of luck to you and your little girl and animal friend(s) - and keep in touch. - Barbara
> I have read all the posts about Merlin. It gets me in the heart. I had to put down my cocker spaniel about 6 yrs ago from cancer. She fought hard, but I was and still am, fragile mentally. So, it takes alot to just get myself through life. But, anyway, I have panic disorder and lots of other goodies...But when my dog was sick, I couldnt really deal with it. I kinda tried to block it because i thought i would end up in a mental hospital or something. And i have a daughter to raise. So, i had to try to keep myself going and i couldnt do what i wanted for her. And to this day, i feel such guilt. I couldnt even be in the room when they put her to sleep. I have hated myself for that and other things since then. But she did come to me in a dream and she was "glowing" like an angel and i knew she wanted me to know she was okay. About a year after her passing, i rescued a dog from the pound who was days away from being put down herself. And i have given her all my heart. And i know one day, i will have to deal with her passing and i pray that i will be strong enough.
> S
Posted by katia on August 4, 2004, at 16:29:56
In reply to Re: In Honor of Their Passing » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 4, 2004, at 12:30:36
Hi Barbara,
I don't know if it's because we're here at grief and we can talk more openly/freely without having to always get back to meds, but you seem really sound and solid and soft. At peace and in touch with something greater. It is so nice to be able to talk with you and hear how in touch you are with what I am in touch with. Animals and spirituality. I think it was said by an Indian (India) that grief brings us closer to God. And with that closeness is such knowing and peace. It really sounds like you are tapped into the spirit world and could also do some work with animals. Maybe that message in the bookstore was not only for me, but you as well.
Callings are important messages from the spirit world. Cathy had a calling and she is doing her duty by heeding it for our sad state as a species and to connect us better to our animals. She is a voice for animals and a healer of humans and pets. I know she gets exhausted and has to really do a lot of clearing and boundary work enegertically. I really honor her for doing this work. Healing work is so needed in the midst of this world. If more people were more into healing and kindness, little Rock would never have had to do that awful fighting and never would've been tortured like that. And I know it's not so easy to just say "let's heal everybody and be healed!". It's a complicated thing and people are in a lot of darkness. That's why when someone has a calling and are tapped into divinity moreso than others, they must offer this to the world at need. If we can manage it, sensitivity is a gift and doesn't have to be a curse. Manage it through healthy boundary lines and energy clearing through our own self knowledge. (getting to know ourselves over the years - how to do our own self care).As sad a time as this has been for me, I also feel in a way blessed by it. I feel like Rock has woken me up and I don't want to go back to sleep again. I want to really heed the messages coming at me and what you said to me about "the gift" is something I've been hearing thru' mylife but due to various *crazy!* periods you know so well about and other things, I've tuned it out. I've been afraid to tap in to my potential. In times like this of grief and loss, I always feel an opening as well. Like now is the time to wake up and acknowledge what I've been hearing - those messages. Life is so precious - through the lines of evolution, it's a wonder we are here at all as humans with our capabilities. I have been given permission (and an order!) by Rock to experience joy and love life. He did with all his big little heart. Even after all that trauma. To be open and raw with grief like this can really shift things if I/we let it. That joy of life is really an expression of "God". that bliss and peace. and a celebration of this manifested life.
Katia
Posted by woolav on August 5, 2004, at 10:27:48
In reply to Re: In Honor of Their Passing » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 4, 2004, at 16:29:56
Thanks so much Barbara for you encourging words. I feel better already. You seem to have a gift-you should be a counciler or something. You seem like a very special person.
God Bless
S
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 5, 2004, at 21:16:04
In reply to Re: In Honor of Their Passing » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 4, 2004, at 16:29:56
How true, Katia. It's a big challenge to step up to the plate and play. It's a big responsibility to have 'the gift', whatever form it takes. I know I've always been plugged into the spirit world and it's a big part of the huge sensitivity issue - mixed blessing, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've stopped giving a rip what other people think. But what to do with it, how to make a 'living', how to keep those boundaries intact and not get sucked back into our own hell worlds.
Yes, this past 1-1/2 years with my Mom's death and then Merlin's has split the veil. I KNOW there's something I'm called to do that most people don't even want to face. Dirty job, someone's got to do it - but what is it??? I'd love to work with animals helping out people who are dying. I've felt called to work with the dying for many years now, mainly because I'm not afraid of it (call me weird but I have a much easier time with human death than animals). I've had two very near brushes with death and came back both times feeling so strongly it wasn't my time, I still had work to do - but what?? Tell me, please. Volunteered at a hospice facility, but it was pretty clinical and extremely messy and so frigging beaurocratic. The thing that was missing for me was humor and spirit and love - something the animals can do so well. But Jeeze Louise, do I really and truly want to immerse myself in THAT world? Pretty heavy stuff.
The thing that always stops me from moving forward on so many of my good ideas (I have far too many to ever see to fruition) is my perceived need for training, credentials, initials after the name. Perhaps I can troll my experience as a computer analyst, but it doesn't seem very appropro in the greater scheme of things. I see years and years of school ahead of me and it stops me every time. I barely have enough time and energy for basic everyday stuff and I'm not even working. How can I get it together to manage a new calling?
I have deep security fears and they're keeping me stuck. Doing what you love doesn't always mean the money will follow and I am so weary of the stress of trying to survive. But maybe if it were something that fired me with a sense of passion and purpose for being here, of being able to give back to life, maybe the energy and sheer delight would just be there and it would be enough. Maybe being destitute even wouldn't matter, although I'd prefer not.
I only know that not being in touch with my life's purpose, feeling like I've been drifting and wasting this vast gift of my potential has been the biggest sorrow of my life. It's the source of every illness I have. I've had so many false starts but haven't been able to see them through - it's been one delay, obstruction, illness or catastrophe after another. Good ideas that don't pan out. And here I am in the second half of my life, and I don't know where I'm going and it scares me. Sometimes I think I bear the mark of Cain, destined to wander unfulfilled. But isn't that the case with most of us? So tragic. So much work to be done on this planet and billions of us wanting so much to help but don't know where to begin. Oh, I get to feeling so sad and discouraged and need to snuggle with a warm furry kitty right now. And God help me, not think too much on the fact that this kitty too will be gone some day. Argghh, live in the moment, Barbara, this moment is just fine.
So, I guess it just means - 'start'. One foot in front of the other, breathe into the moment and stay in the heart. Listen to your own mantra, Barbara. There's that call we have to answer even if it's half formed. But I can get off on so many tangents and there's wisdom in not leaping forward as well. There's also the matter of our 'divine madness'. Shamans weren't given the time of day unless they were experienced in the ways of darkness and the underworld. Been there, done that, haven't we? I guess it's a gift and as long as we don't let ourselves get frigtened or hopeless, it can lead the way, even though in a roundabout path.
So here's to Merlin and Rock and all the other critters that have broken our hearts open. Anyone who wants to add humans to that list is welcome, but for me, animals are so much less complicated. I'm glad we've gotten to know each other so much better through these pages, Katia. Yeah, I really appreciate not having to mention 'meds' every time I want to have a heart-to-heart with you. - Barbara
Posted by Shar on August 6, 2004, at 0:23:30
In reply to My Kitty, posted by BarbaraCat on July 27, 2004, at 23:20:03
BC: I am sure your fellow awaits you, just as my girl awaits me. Maybe we'll even see each other there! The website www.petloss.com is a place we can all find comfort. It is the story of the Rainbow Bridge. You can also post a memorial to your pet (my beloved Scruffles passed in 1994), and I encourage you to do so if you want. You have my deepest sympathy.
It isn't the easiest site to navigate, but here is the Rainbow Bridge Story:
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
See you there,
xoxo
Shar
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 6, 2004, at 16:41:32
In reply to Re: My Kitty » BarbaraCat, posted by Shar on August 6, 2004, at 0:23:30
Awwwww, thanks Shar. So beautiful. There's a special bond between people who have loved and lost their furry ones. That will be a happy day indeed when we cross the Rainbow Bridge.
I will definitely visit petloss.com and I encourage you to visit www.bestfriends.com. A wonderful sanctuary for abandoned and abused animals in SE Utah. It's so heartening to know that good folks are out there making a huge difference for the critters and getting the message out in a positive way. - Barbara
Posted by katia on August 6, 2004, at 17:14:35
In reply to Re: In Honor of Their Passing » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 5, 2004, at 21:16:04
Hi Barbara,
Just wanted to say that Cathy was over yesterday for three hours! It was a good day. Rock is here still patroling around and snuggling with me. It has blown me away. He was crying because he loved his alter so and he never realized he could be loved like this. It is part of his healing in the spirit world - me sending him my love still. He feels very honored and is also very sad and remorseful that he had to put me through that last night. He knew no other way of telling me it was time for him to go. I'm glad I really listened and was there for him when he went.Little sneakster had a plan from the beginning apparently. Before I closed on the house and was over here looking at it, I walked out of the front gate and this big black pit bull came running up to me on the sidewalk very "chesty" and curious who I was. I said hello to him and escorted him inside the fence thinking he was the previous home owner's dog. That was his in. (remember my next door neighbor's kept him securely in the backyard b/c of his dog aggression issues brought on by those bad men. He snuck out to meet me). Apparently, when i showed up, he saw a bright light and had to get over here and meet me. It took some doing on his part and he finally figured out a way to sneak through the back fence weeks later after I closed and had moved in. He said that he would bark by my window all the time so that I would let him over here. It worked. That's why I invited him over at first because I knew his barking was a cry for help and it was also driving me crazy and he always stopped it when he was with me.
It makes me laugh now to think all that was his plan to "get the girl" and it worked.
anyway, I just thought you'd like to hear this. I feel so much better now knowing he is choosing to still be here while being supported and doing his healing in the spirit world. and part of his healing has been my sorrow over losing him and missing him and honoring his life with the alter. He said he didn't think anyone would miss him. I love that little bright ball of joy rascal that he is.
Katia
p.s. Cathy works over the phone everywhere including even Australia. I'm sure you could do some work with her. You know my name if you want to say who referred you. And you know Rock's name.
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 6, 2004, at 18:43:23
In reply to Speaking with Rock » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 6, 2004, at 17:14:35
He sounds like quite the amazing personality, and a little conniver. He knew what he wanted, that's for sure. Animals have such a true sense. They can tell who is a friend. We had a cat that adopted us from a house next door. He knew a good thing. What a cat. He was Merlin's protector and hunting sensei. They're together now.
I had an unusual experience yesterday. Was in a very deep meditation and Merlin came through out of the blue and let me know he was more than a little pissed at us for 'sending him away'. He didn't understand why. It was Ok for him to be sick as long as he was with us. He was very hurt. It caught me by total surprise because I'd had some lovely images of him being free, happy, unemcumbered by a suffering body. I didn't understand how my very real and powerful sense of happy and free Merlin jibed with this hurt and angry one. What I got as best as I can understand, with his explanation, is that pieces of spirits can splinter off and exist in multiple dimensions and densities. So, the free spirit of Merlin 'over the Rainbow Bridge' is real, but the sad little outcast one needs to be healed as well. It seemed to be enough that I acknowledged his hurt, and took the extra effort to explain that it was NOT that we did not 'not want him anymore' but did it out of deep love for him. His little particle of earth personality was hurt and needed to be reassured.
I guess that's where ghosts and such come in. Things can happen at the moment of death - quantum levels of reality. We seem to assume that once they're dead, all is wonderful and made perfectly clear. But he fought to his very last cellular spark to stay here and he made it very clear that the taking of his precious life was not to be taken lightly, and not all was rosy. It seemed to matter to him that I was sorry and asked for his forgiveness. He gave it freely but it seemed important to him that I was very clear about how not OK it was for his life to be cut short. He probably would have lived another 2 days at the most, but that's a little animal's logic for you.
Alot to be incorporated. I know this was not just random guilt stuff. I had no doubts or misgivings about the decision to free him from his starving little suffocating body -- I sure hope someone will do the same for me should I reach that point! But I now feel as though something has finally been put to rest that felt incomplete and now feels complete. How interesting. We're apparently still in an ongoing relationship with those we love, no matter what their form.
Cathy sounds wonderful and I will contact her. Blessings to you. - Barbara
Posted by katia on August 6, 2004, at 19:29:54
In reply to Re: Speaking with Rock » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 6, 2004, at 18:43:23
I like to think of it as he was/is incredibly smart and also in so much pain and desolation that was going to do what it took to "come to the light" as he put it. I thank the heavens above that his pure little soul found its way to me. I'm so grateful he was insistent because I was so very busy that I couldn't hear that well.
He told Cathy that whatever he was coming back as, it was NOT going to be a female. He is very masculine. I laughed at that.
Your experience sounds like a good one because you connected with Merlin. Cathy can sure help either validate that or let you know that it was your guilt. I'm sure you know anyway for yourself.
Where did he get his name?
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 7, 2004, at 1:42:16
In reply to Re: Speaking with Rock » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 6, 2004, at 19:29:54
> I like to think of it as he was/is incredibly smart and also in so much pain and desolation that was going to do what it took to "come to the light" as he put it. I thank the heavens above that his pure little soul found its way to me. I'm so grateful he was insistent because I was so very busy that I couldn't hear that well.
**Seems like Rock was a catalyst for some deep shifts in you. You were both lucky. Some old connections from lifetimes of assisting each other.
>
>>Cathy can sure help either validate that or let you know that it was your guilt.**I'll be good to connect with her. I'm faily certain it wasn't guilt and hope it's not just mind stuff making a fantasy out of it - but I don't think so. I miss him very much but was and am clear about the need for sending him off. I've had quite a few contacts with other souls and energies and they usually hit me out of the blue with surprising info. I can associate some of the more florid ones with my manic highs but the real ones have a definite genuine feel. This was real and I'm grateful that things were cleared up and copacetic. He simply needed acknowledgement and to consider his feelings in the matter. That was only one small part of his great soul - but it still needed to be heard. Even the Vet and the assistant were amazed at his tenacity - little heart just kept on beating.
The experience made me consider alot more deeply the issues that could arise around a death - a living being may not feel 'ready' to go, maybe unfinished business, attachments, violent conditions around the passing, whatever, and strong reactive energies may emerge. This wasn't the case with Merlin, his was just a little 'hey, you know, I wasn't exactly thrilled to be escorted from the life I loved - and you need to be aware of that.' No blame, just a little renmant of a personality thing that had it's say and then felt satisfied and happy to have been heard. It feels complete.
I can almost see a ritual of Atonement for loved ones who have died, simply acknowledging regret for having caused any harm and asking forgiveness. A good way to clear the psychic air. I don't think there is such a ritual, maybe the closest is Mexico's Dia de Muerta but that's not really a formal seeking of amends. I'm sure Cathy will be able to assist, but any thoughts on this are welcome.
>
> Where did Merlin get his name?**He was a gorgeous Maine Coon, and he had an 'M' on his forhead, like tabbies usually do. 'M' seemed be cropping up and besides he was pure magic, a strong willed, but very kind and incredibly loving cat. Protected the young ones as they were growing, very intelligent. Had a wise and generous nature, and what a wooshie-wooshie snuggler. Merlin fit him well.
How did you post your pictures of Rock? I'd love to post some pictures of my guy just to share who he was and his wonderful energy.
**Katia, I don't know about you, but my mood disorder seems so irrelevant in the face of what's gone on. Things have shifted, like I'm seeing out of new eyes. I still feel shakey and prone to intense emotions, but they pass. I'm looking at it like 'well, this is high sensitivity living and it's a gift, so learn to deal with it'. It's hard enough living with one foot behind the Veil at the best of times. I'm so done with letting my weird neuro-chemical soup throw unnecessary obstacles in the way and muddy my path. I'm sick of living an unlived life.
I don't know where any of this is going, but I'm willing to stay open and alert until the path becomes more clear. Praying to the Great Spirit for guidance is the only thing I know how to do at this point, but at least I know that much. You know what I'm saying? Bipolar depressions have robbed me of my life energy far too long and it's time to send that toxic stuff off into the Light where it can do no more harm. But no matter what, no way I'm going off my lithium. - Barbara
Posted by katia on August 7, 2004, at 13:47:29
In reply to Re: Speaking with Rock » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 7, 2004, at 1:42:16
>This was real and I'm grateful that things were cleared up and copacetic. He simply needed acknowledgement and to consider his feelings in the matter. That was only one small part of his great soul - but it still needed to be heard. Even the Vet and the assistant were amazed at his tenacity - little heart just kept on beating.
**I'm sure it was real too Barbara. It's always nice to get validation for it though. I'm glad that it feels complete. That is important.
**The other day I was sitting on the loveseat outside (the previous owner of this house left it and I chucked it out back. Rock LOVED it so it stays). We used to sit on that together and it was his favorite thing in the world and it wasn't so bad for me either! I was sitting there and felt him there too and began cooing and petting the air as tho' he was there. Then Cathy came over two days ago and I asked her if Rock has contacted me in a physical way. She said that he was telling her that I knew he was with me on the loveseat that day! I honestly wasn't really sure because I'm not as aware as Cathy, but I felt his energy and now I know that that is real. And how could she have known that I was petting the air on the loveseat a week earilier!? He's still here, but not physically and without his demons now. They are gone.
> The experience made me consider alot more deeply the issues that could arise around a death - a living being may not feel 'ready' to go, maybe unfinished business, attachments, violent conditions around the passing, whatever, and strong reactive energies may emerge.
**ME TOO! I'm very curious about this now. So curious I want to stay awake and not fall back to sleep. I mean this metaphorically! Even though the events leading up to Rock's death were violent, he died peacefully in my loving arms. Cathy said that he really really needed that (I think on a soul-like evolutionary healing level). I also had no idea that by lighting the candles and placing his alter in honor of his life could help him still heal in the spirit world. I can't really grasp it totally that he is with me still and everywhere as well. On one level i can, but don't really understand on my ego/personality level. I would love to be so connected like Cathy.
>
> I can almost see a ritual of Atonement for loved ones who have died, simply acknowledging regret for having caused any harm and asking forgiveness. A good way to clear the psychic air. I don't think there is such a ritual, maybe the closest is Mexico's Dia de Muerta but that's not really a formal seeking of amends. I'm sure Cathy will be able to assist, but any thoughts on this are welcome.**again, I think by just making a physical place for honoring their life is a lot. Cathy suggested that I sit down kindof in meditative state and ask Rock any questions and just let words flow through me onto paper. As a way of connecting with him. I just hope he's not lonely. Maybe I could ask him that.
> >>
> How did you post your pictures of Rock? I'd love to post some pictures of my guy just to share who he was and his wonderful energy.**I guess I wasn't very clear about this. Those were pictures of Rock when he was like 3 years old in his blue ribbon days. I found them on the web through the Bull Rock Kennels where he was bred. He was seven when he met me and when he died he had just turned 8 on May 27th. I didn't know him before his "damage" as he calls it. I'm not quite sure how to post pictures as that was just a link to their website.
> **Katia, I don't know about you, but my mood disorder seems so irrelevant in the face of what's gone on. Things have shifted, like I'm seeing out of new eyes. I still feel shakey and prone to intense emotions, but they pass. I'm looking at it like 'well, this is high sensitivity living and it's a gift, so learn to deal with it'. It's hard enough living with one foot behind the Veil at the best of times. I'm so done with letting my weird neuro-chemical soup throw unnecessary obstacles in the way and muddy my path. I'm sick of living an unlived life.** to me, you are very much alive Barbara and living. Maybe not the way you think it "should" be.
**I agree. grief always wakes me up and puts me in touch with Spirit more and that is actually very healing. It is so tricky this being human with a dx and meds and working it all out. Meds are good, and just a part of what keeps me in a balance.>
> I don't know where any of this is going, but I'm willing to stay open and alert until the path becomes more clear. Praying to the Great Spirit for guidance is the only thing I know how to do at this point, but at least I know that much. You know what I'm saying? Bipolar depressions have robbed me of my life energy far too long and it's time to send that toxic stuff off into the Light where it can do no more harm. But no matter what, no way I'm going off my lithium. - Barbara
>
**I know EXACTLY what you're saying. Rock has a song by Sarah McLachlan track no. 7 "Answer" on her latest. It is his song. "Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind. Take me to a place so holy that I can wash this from my mind, the memory of choosing not to fight...when the stars have all burned out you'll still be burning so bright. Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind".
He loves that he has a song and it really was written for him in my mind. It's my song to him.
Katia
>
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 7, 2004, at 14:18:54
In reply to Re: Speaking with Rock » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 7, 2004, at 13:47:29
Katia,
I love Sarah MacLachlan and I'm definitely going to get her latest. That song, the words so beautiful they brought tears to my eyes, will be so much more special because it's Rock's song. The bit I know of his history, it seems like the angels composed it for him special.Thanks for your encouragement and keep the faith words. I've been feeling a mixture of blue and transcendant during this time. A strange but not bad emotional place. But I feel somewhat isolated -- too emotionally sensitive as I need to process what's taking place -- and not ready to be out in the world. My husband's been busy at a music festival, out there performing, having fun, mingling with the madding crowd. It's a little too much for me at this point. So thanks for being there and being my good friend. We've been good buddies and support for each other through alot, eh? These are deep things we've been sharing.
That was pretty amazing about Cathy knowing about the love seat. But not really surprising since there's so much more beyond this tiny 5 sense reality. Well, I think all this has been a major opening for us and we have a responsibility to fulfill it. I'd like to see it as a joyful, passionate calling (whatever it turns out to be) rather than an ugh 'responsibility'. Sounds so heavy. I also ask for the energy and focus to see it through.
I'll be going into town early this week and will get Sarah's CD.. I promise I'll light a candle for your pooch while I'm most likely sobbing my eyes out - but in a good way. Tis better to have loved and lost... - Barbara
Posted by katia on August 7, 2004, at 14:41:19
In reply to Re: Speaking with Rock » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 7, 2004, at 14:18:54
> Katia,
> I love Sarah MacLachlan and I'm definitely going to get her latest. That song, the words so beautiful they brought tears to my eyes, will be so much more special because it's Rock's song. The bit I know of his history, it seems like the angels composed it for him special.
>
**Indeed those angels did write it for him. And those words are so much more beautiful in the soong. I'm actually going out to buy a used piano today and learn how to play it on the piano. after Rock died that was what I wished I had here. I love to play.> Thanks for your encouragement and keep the faith words. I've been feeling a mixture of blue and transcendant during this time. A strange but not bad emotional place.
**I know this not bad emotional place as well.
But I feel somewhat isolated -- too emotionally sensitive as I need to process what's taking place -- and not ready to be out in the world. My husband's been busy at a music festival, out there performing, having fun, mingling with the madding crowd. It's a little too much for me at this point.
**Ditto. A friend just called to invite me to the Renaissance Faire today, but I just couldn't. Too much right now. I need peace and down time.
So thanks for being there and being my good friend. We've been good buddies and support for each other through alot, eh? These are deep things we've been sharing.
**Very much so. I wonder if we'll ever meet? I've never had a friendship like this before - totally on-line and broadcasted for all the PBs to hear.
> That was pretty amazing about Cathy knowing about the love seat. But not really surprising since there's so much more beyond this tiny 5 sense reality. Well, I think all this has been a major opening for us and we have a responsibility to fulfill it. I'd like to see it as a joyful, passionate calling (whatever it turns out to be) rather than an ugh 'responsibility'. Sounds so heavy. I also ask for the energy and focus to see it through.
>
**I think you are seeing it through by just being you. I think it's your life's path.> I'll be going into town early this week and will get Sarah's CD.. I promise I'll light a candle for your pooch while I'm most likely sobbing my eyes out - but in a good way. Tis better to have loved and lost... - Barbara
**Rock will appreciate that. And so will I. One thing he said was that he didn't think anyone would miss him or care that he was gone. He was tearfully saying that my alter meant so much to him.
take good care and many blessings to you and Merlin.
Katia
Posted by katia on August 11, 2004, at 5:31:06
In reply to Re: Speaking with Rock » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 7, 2004, at 14:18:54
Hi Barbara,
How are you?
I've been thinking about you. I'm still grieving. It doesn't end soon. Not soon enough for most people. I still miss Rock unbelievably. I went running thru' our field last night at 1am. Went running mad thru' it. I reached the end of our field out of breath and crying and looked up at the sky and a shooting star went across the sky at the same moment. I miss him.
We used to run through the open fields behind my house (baseball fields) at night when no one else was around. It was when he could go off leash and it was fun and exciting because no one was around and IT WAS NIGHT! We loveed it. I would yell "go!" and we would bolt into the wild blue yonder. It was wonderful. I miss him.How're you doing my love?
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 11, 2004, at 20:08:10
In reply to How are you? » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 11, 2004, at 5:31:06
Awww, thanks for asking. I'm doing OK. Been kind of busy but my heart hasn't been in the spirit of worldly pursuits. Delving more into the Unseen World where alot of questions lie. But I'm doing OK. Printed up a beautiful picture of Merlin from one I'd taken of him last year about this time. He was in his gorgeous glory, healthy looking and soooooo alive with Life. What a difference a year can make. Makes you realize that you just never know.
His picture is on his box of 'cremains', but it's almost like having him around, the picture is so lifelike and captures his essense so well. Of course, he is still around. But no matter how lovely the hereafter may be and we'll no doubt see them again, there's something about this reality, this life with it's realness and their furry textures and scents that can't be beat.
Tomorrow I'm going into the 'big city' and get Sarah's CD. Really looking forward to hearing it. I know what you mean about having a close and personal friendship broadcast over the cyberspace loudspeakers, so to speak. It's kinda fun and unusual. I wonder if anyone else ever stops by? We'll be in the Bay Area for Thanksgiving. I get from little clues from here and there that that's your stomping grounds. It sure would be nice to get together... What a kick. We should meet in a semi-crowded spot and see if we recognize each other without mentioning what we look like or anything.
You and Rock definitely have a soul connection, incredibly deep. Do you think he'll be coming back in this lifetime to you? It seems you both did an amazing healing for each other in a VERY short time together. I remember when he first came to you, around the time you moved into your new house. So many things seemed to change for you around then, major life things. At least you're able to feel things so deeply. Yeah, I know, thanks but no thanks. But it is a gift and the fact you can run in a field at night and feel that deep connection with life and love is something not everyone has the depth or strength of heart for.
I know this is a very sensitive topic, but do you think you'll eventually go get yourself another pup? Maybe a little pound pup that needs a good loving Mom? I'll bet when the time comes, Rock will have his paw in things and arrange it just right. Puppy (and kitten) love can heal a broken heart better than anything. The right time will announce itself. I keep seeing Rock as your Guardian Angel, a protective bright shining force in your life from now on. It was destined that you meet, and now he can fulfill his destiny from the other side where things are more clear and pure for him. I always got a very strong sense of him, Katia, from the get go, such a strong essence. I feel very strongly that he is so proud to be your Guardian Angel Dog, he feels so filled with purpose and commitment and will always be by your side. That's so wonderful. I gotta tell you, it's good to have a Pit Bull as a Guard Angel!!
I highly recommend that you go get yourself some homeopathic Ignatia. If you can get a high dose, 200C or 1M, that would be great. It's been helping me a lot. I'm still taking St. John's Wort and Lithium and things are pretty stable. At least I haven't gone down into that horrible despairing place I used to fall into so easily. The thing is, I know I'm a very strong and resourceful spirit, more so than most people I know. But that crappy bad chemistry has been a huge challenge. But - good news is that even with the loss of a kitty who was very much like a child to me, I'm keepin' on, allowing the love to overflow into my life, but the intensity or grieving hasn't become destabilizing. I feel like somethings been freed up inside me. For awhile I was terrified that when the time came for Merlin to finally cross over, I wouldn't be able to stand it. The anticipation of 'going crazy' was driving me crazy, but glad to report that I don't think that's happened. I'll let you know as soon as I hear 'Rock's Song'. Take care of you. Love, B.
> Hi Barbara,
> How are you?
> I've been thinking about you. I'm still grieving. It doesn't end soon. Not soon enough for most people. I still miss Rock unbelievably. I went running thru' our field last night at 1am. Went running mad thru' it. I reached the end of our field out of breath and crying and looked up at the sky and a shooting star went across the sky at the same moment. I miss him.
> We used to run through the open fields behind my house (baseball fields) at night when no one else was around. It was when he could go off leash and it was fun and exciting because no one was around and IT WAS NIGHT! We loveed it. I would yell "go!" and we would bolt into the wild blue yonder. It was wonderful. I miss him.
>
> How're you doing my love?
> Katia
Posted by katia on August 12, 2004, at 2:01:10
In reply to Re: How are you? » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 11, 2004, at 20:08:10
Hi Barbara,
I'd love to see a picture of Merlin. Can you post it somehow?
> Tomorrow I'm going into the 'big city' and get Sarah's CD. Really looking forward to hearing it. I know what you mean about having a close and personal friendship broadcast over the cyberspace loudspeakers, so to speak. It's kinda fun and unusual. I wonder if anyone else ever stops by? We'll be in the Bay Area for Thanksgiving.**Yes, the East Bay to be exact. I know you visit Marin right? If I'm around for Thanksgiving, then we should definitely get together. I bought a house in Concord (near Walnut creek). But I work in a restaurant in Berkeley.
> You and Rock definitely have a soul connection, incredibly deep. Do you think he'll be coming back in this lifetime to you? It seems you both did an amazing healing for each other in a VERY short time together. I remember when he first came to you, around the time you moved into your new house. So many things seemed to change for you around then, major life things. At least you're able to feel things so deeply. Yeah, I know, thanks but no thanks. But it is a gift and the fact you can run in a field at night and feel that deep connection with life and love is something not everyone has the depth or strength of heart for.
>
**Thanks for your words of encouragment. Yes, we will see each other again. Cathy said Rock does want me to get another dog sooner than later. One less than a year, one to rescue, but one breed that will have NO issues of aggression AT ALL. He wants me to be protected. He does love me very very much and is protecting over me. I will probably get a doggie within the year. It's funny because a stray cat has been hanging around my house. But I just can't open anything in me at the moment. I'm still filled with Rock and grieving.
>>, but the intensity or grieving hasn't become destabilizing. I feel like somethings been freed up inside me. For awhile I was terrified that when the time came for Merlin to finally cross over, I wouldn't be able to stand it. The anticipation of 'going crazy' was driving me crazy, but glad to report that I don't think that's happened. I'll let you know as soon as I hear 'Rock's Song'. Take care of you. Love, B.
>
**That's so great that you aren't destabilized from Merlin's death. Like I said before, you seem very solid and grounded. Intouch with something greater.Sarah's CD is great. Very heartfelt and poetic. Enjoy. Talk with you soon?
blessings and joy-
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 13, 2004, at 0:51:32
In reply to Re: How are you? » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 12, 2004, at 2:01:10
> Hi Barbara,
> I'd love to see a picture of Merlin. Can you post it somehow?**I'll figure out a way. I think Yahoo Groups or something.
>
>I know you visit Marin right? If I'm around for Thanksgiving, then we should definitely get together.**I'll be in Novato, so yes, definitely. We can have an actual clinking of glasses toast with some skunkblood and swampwater.
>>It's funny because a stray cat has been hanging around my house. But I just can't open anything in me at the moment. I'm still filled with Rock and grieving.
**A cat sure won't protect you out on a walk, but doesn't take up much room in a home either. A purr is very healing too. Oh, listen to me. I'm such a slobbering fool when it comes to cats.
>
BTW, I won't be in touch for a while since I'll be gone for a week on vacation -- well, sigh, I wish it were a real vacation, like Hawaii. The Hub's sister and her brood are visiting from Germany. A big challenge since one of the girls, now 14, has always been a snotty spoiled brat whom I've yearned to smack silly since she was 2. I do not look forward to spending an extended length of time with the pubescent version. At least it will be at a lake and I can escape into Mama Nature when I need to. Sure hope it doesn't rain cause that lake house isn't near big enough. You and Rock will be in my thoughts and prayers. - Barbara
Posted by katia on August 13, 2004, at 1:29:18
In reply to Re: How are you? » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 13, 2004, at 0:51:32
Have a great and relaxing vacation Barbara!
I'll speak with you when you get back.
Love,
Katia
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