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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by saw on November 12, 2004, at 3:51:58
Hello everyone
Well, I have just finished designing the order of service phamplets. Actually, they are not that, they're simply a Celebration of His Life. Dad would die all over again if there was an "order of service".
I am very good on the computer with these sorts of things (another talent from Dad) and feel very honoured to have offered this little act of love. They look nice with a photo of him with his beloved miniture railway coaches on the front and back. Trains and builing model railways were his passion. It wasn't as hard to do as I thought.After I went back to the hospital on Wednesday, it became clear that time had run out. I am so glad that I decided to go back so early. I would not have been there when he took his last breath if I had stayed at work.
I sat with him for the rest of the afternoon, just holding his hand. (I had no idea he looked after his nails like that!!) At 3pm the nurse said that it was now critical and that it would be indignant to prolong his suffering. The medications were slowly turned off. He was really battling to breath, even with the ventilator. While the ventilator was not switched off, it was turned down very, very slowly, so as not to cause him any discomfort as his breathing became more laboured. At about 4.15, we knew it was minutes. His wife could not cope with the gasping and did not want to see him die so she waited outside. At this point, he was still fighting a bit. I went close to his ear and whispered that it was ok to go. I told him that he was not failing anyone by giving up the struggle. That it really was ok to end the suffering. I promised that I would look after myself, my brother and his wife. He died 10 minutes later.
The lights were dimmed and the alarms on the machines were switched off and at 4.40pm I held and kissed dad's hand and looked into his face as he took his last breath. I stayed with him a while then left for the usual phone calls etc. Thank you vwoolf for helping with babble. After my husband, babble was the very second "person" to learn of his passing. He had been cleaned up and the pipes removed at this point and I went back to spend more time with him. He looked peaceful. He was clammy but so warm. So warm. I could still smell the dove soap smell of him on my hands the next day.
I kept my composure throughout. Of course I cried but I realise now just how much strength I used to remain the supportive one at the hospital. I only allowed myself to breakdown later that night. I have coped with all of this even though I am inbetween medication!!
This is an experience that will be with me for the rest of my life. After the gut wrenching sobs and pain pain pain, goodness my heart felt just quite crushed, I can turn around and say that it was indeed an honour and a priveledge to be with him as he took his last breath. It still feels so surreal. I know I am going to cry a lot more. Monday is going to be hard. A very simple, poignant service has been planned. Dad was not at all religious so we have chosen a humanitarian to officate. He was not a flower person so we will decorate the chapel with some of his train coaches. We have placed his unopened magazine that he was waiting for and that arrived the day after he died in his casket. We will light some candles and might even burn insence. He liked incense.
I am fairly composed today but feel very numb. I didn't think I would, but I miss him terribly. I am storing up some more strength cells for Monday. I will not break down when I sing. I will not!
Like a fire sputtering a last few sparks, I have also fizzled out. I don't know what more to say even though I have so much more to say.
In celebration and loving memory of my father, who was only 58, I dedicate this to him.
Sabrina
Thank you for listening
Posted by partlycloudy on November 12, 2004, at 9:48:20
In reply to My Dad (long, though you might have known), posted by saw on November 12, 2004, at 3:51:58
Sabrina, your dad has a very loving and caring daughter.
Posted by AuntieMel on November 12, 2004, at 13:23:16
In reply to My Dad (long, though you might have known), posted by saw on November 12, 2004, at 3:51:58
I know this is hard, and a lot to digest at this point, but you are very, very blessed to have been able to become close at last. May you keep it close to you, and let it keep you warm.
Posted by saw on November 13, 2004, at 4:39:35
In reply to I know this is hard » saw, posted by AuntieMel on November 12, 2004, at 13:23:16
Yes, I will keep the last moments, even though we did not speak, close in the most untouchable part of my heart for ever. I am truly very priviledged that I was with him at the end. This was a gift to me since neither of us were there much (for each other) during life.
I just did not expect to feel all that I am. I didn't expect the hurt to be so bad. I am busy printing the programs for his service on Monday and I am truly proud at my work. They look good and are something he would have liked. I am honoured to have been able to contribute by designing and lovingly put the programs together but wasn't really prepared for the emotional after affects of working with two photos of him for hours on end.
I cried so deeply last night. My husband, who is against tranquilizers, forced me to take one. He just wanted me to get some sleep.
I practiced the song I am singing at the chapel yesterday and though I was pumped with adrenalin, I know it sounded good. Fortunately the acoustics in the chapel are good too. It is going to be very hard to remain (or rather, retain) composure during the real thing. I am feeling terrified because I will be standing right next to his casket. But, it was my decision. I could just as well have played the song but needed to give this gift. I know it will be very poignant.
Dad was an alternative music lover and enjoyed a lot of heavy metal and rock music. When the casket leaves the chapel, we will be playing 18 till I die by Bryan Adams. I know my Dad is smiling already!
So, with tears in my eyes, until Tuesday.
Sabrina
Posted by AdaGrace on November 13, 2004, at 11:25:41
In reply to My Dad (long, though you might have known), posted by saw on November 12, 2004, at 3:51:58
Sabrina,
You are such a beautiful person, inside and out. It shows through you like a shining star. The thing I want to express to you is that I understand fully what you are going through. It is such a shock. Don't be suprized that just when you think you are getting over it, it comes full force back to you to kick you in the bum. But the times will get fewer and far between whene eventually, you just remember with fondness, and wait for the day with anticipation when you can meet again.
I so feel for you. You are much stronger than you think you are. To sing at your Dad's funeral is the ultimate gift you can give him, and the rest of your family. You such a special person. Doing all you can to be there for him at the end, and finding the strength to help him pass on. I know, God, I so know. Be thankful that you had the last 10 minutes.......Be so very thankful. There are some of us who didn't have that.Advice.........take it or don't
Do not question Why. Do not get angry at God.
It does you no good, trust me on this, I know.
Remember I have something to share with you later on regarding my own experiences, but not now, I will not take away from your own pain and put the attention on myself.
Celebrate the life you had, whether it be all that you hoped for, celebrate it. Find the joy. Find Peace. Be strong Sabrina, I know you can do it. Be strong, be so very strong. I'm sending you all my strong energy. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I will be saying a silent prayer for passing Monday.(((((((Sabrina)))))))))
With Loving Thoughts,
AdaGrace
Posted by Angel Girl on November 14, 2004, at 8:13:32
In reply to Harder than I thought possible, posted by saw on November 13, 2004, at 4:39:35
Sabrina
I'm only reading of your Dad's passing now, for the first time, as I haven't been coming to PB regularily. Yours was the first post I read on Social. I'm glad I did.
You are a remarkable and beautiful soul. You have discovered the love you have always had for your father, even though you didn't know it was there. You sat with him while he took his dying breath and told him it was ok to let go and then he did. You have planned his memorial just like he would've wanted it. May God continue to give you the strength that you will need in finding the beautiful voice, the gift of song that your father has given you. What a fitting tribute you give your father as you say goodbye until you see him again and what a beautiful song you have chosen.
May you continue to feel the love and strength that God is providing you. I know that you will give an outstanding performance for your Dad tomorrow when you sing to him.
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your Dad. {{{{{{Sabrina}}}}}
Angel Girl
Posted by saw on November 16, 2004, at 0:13:34
In reply to Re: Harder than I thought possible » saw, posted by Angel Girl on November 14, 2004, at 8:13:32
Hi Angel Girl
Thank you so much for your post and the wonderful things you said. Even though I am still having a really tough time and did not expect to feel grief in this way, I have taken comfort that I have had friends to support me and I will always feel solace that I was able to do everything that I did for my father.
Sabrina
Posted by trucker on November 29, 2004, at 10:17:15
In reply to My Dad (long, though you might have known), posted by saw on November 12, 2004, at 3:51:58
saw that was beautiful about your dad.. sorry i didn't read it sooner... there is nothing like the pain of loosing a parent... and no one knows what you go thru unless they have been there themselves.. just like the loss of my only son.. being still born.. no one knows.. i am glad you held up thru it all and i wish i would have been ther to consul you when you needed it.. i am sorry that i let you down.. take care and please forgive me for not being there to talk..
trucker
Posted by saw on November 30, 2004, at 1:21:17
In reply to Re: My Dad (long, though you might have known) » saw, posted by trucker on November 29, 2004, at 10:17:15
You did not let me down Trucker. You have been there, and still are.
Sabrina
Posted by trucker on November 30, 2004, at 9:47:11
In reply to My Dad » trucker, posted by saw on November 30, 2004, at 1:21:17
thankyou and it is also nice to know i have a friend and vis versa!! i do enjoy your messages and your e-mails too!
trucker
////////////////////////////////////////////////////> You did not let me down Trucker. You have been there, and still are.
>
> Sabrina
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