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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on December 18, 2004, at 20:57:25
In reply to Re: I'm scared and don't want to go » Dinah, posted by Emme on December 18, 2004, at 19:36:07
It wasn't as bad as it could have been.
I got along well enough with my mother. In fact she was quite nice when I burst into tears after seeing him looking so dead. I spent about an hour with him after he died, but he didn't look all that dead then. Embalming makes people seem so much deader.
It bothered me to leave his casket at the cemetary. It sort of felt like abandoning him. I know it makes no sense, but I wanted to curl up alongside and sit vigil like I did from time to time in the last little while. Yet I know he wasn't really there. Even so, it didn't feel right to leave him there.
Then I came home and fell asleep. Writing this, I'm feeling sleepy again. Wonderful forgetting sleep.
I guess the world starts again tomorrow, and it will be time for me to be the supportive one for my husband in his loss.
But I sort of wish Daddy had believed in cremation, so that I could keep him with me instead of leaving him there.
But I know he's not really there.
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 18, 2004, at 21:06:00
In reply to I made it through., posted by Dinah on December 18, 2004, at 20:57:25
Oh Dinah, I know how you feel.
I do get comfort from having my dad's ashes.Keep track of your dreams.
It was so wonderful to see my dad again in my dreams.Please share your first dream of your dad.
My dad looked so young and happy.My heart goes out to you on this journey.
We all take this journey with our parents.Keep us posted.
Jai
Posted by daisym on December 18, 2004, at 22:24:18
In reply to Re: I made it through., posted by Jai Narayan on December 18, 2004, at 21:06:00
Dinah,
I think what you felt is totally understandable. It must have been so hard to leave him there. But you are right, he wasn't there anymore. He lives on in your heart and in your son. And he isn't alone. Angels *always* travel in pairs.(((Dinah)))
Posted by gardenergirl on December 18, 2004, at 23:12:59
In reply to Re: I made it through., posted by daisym on December 18, 2004, at 22:24:18
Dinah,
I hope you find peace and restoring strength in your sleep. I have never lost a parent, but I felt something similar with my grandmother's casket. It's so hard to lose someone you loved.I'm glad you got through this, and after tomorrow I hope you will have some time to recharge.
Thinking of you,
gg
Posted by TofuEmmy on December 18, 2004, at 23:26:22
In reply to I made it through., posted by Dinah on December 18, 2004, at 20:57:25
I think the hardest part is that public grief stuff. I just hate that part. At least for this, the hardest funeral, behind you, that part is mostly over. Phew. Lots ahead, but the public grief, for the most part, is probably behind you. I hope there is some relief in that.
The sleep is important I think. It's your mind simply saying, "OK....enough. Rest." It's in a state of shock. Numb is fine. Your mind will take in what it can when it can.
Wishing you strength in the days ahead.
Emmy
Posted by 64bowtie on December 19, 2004, at 4:07:40
In reply to I made it through., posted by Dinah on December 18, 2004, at 20:57:25
Posted by mair on December 25, 2004, at 15:22:01
In reply to I made it through., posted by Dinah on December 18, 2004, at 20:57:25
Dinah - I haven't lurked here in so long; I didn't know about your father at all. I'm so sorry.
You know I have alot of mixed feelings about my father, who died about 2 months ago. My bigger struggle is to draw up feelings of loss, which seem to have eluded me.
I'm not sure things are better with a cremation, or maybe, if you're really close to someone, cremation is better. I've fallen apart at funerals when I've walked in and seen a casket. Something about thinking of the person you knew lying there amongst you. My Dad was cremated and it made it seem like he flew away so quickly. There was a memorial service 3 days later and a funeral service the day after that and I just felt he was long gone by the time either one of them occurred. His urn was at the funeral - it certainly didn't make it seem like he was there in any sense.
Although I believe in cremation, I like the idea of a cemetary plot - I like the idea of being able to tend to one who has died - to be able to talk to them. I just can't feel that same identification with an urn. How far is the cemetary from where you live - it is a pretty setting.
Sure you can always keep an urn with you - but it doesn't give you the same place identification.
I've got so stop blathering - What's going to happen with your mother now?
Fondly
Mair
Posted by Dinah on December 26, 2004, at 10:32:13
In reply to Re: I made it through. » Dinah, posted by mair on December 25, 2004, at 15:22:01
Hi Mair. The cemetary is about a half hour from my house. I'm going to try to stop by there this weekend. It's going to lose it's immediacy though when the casket is no longer visible. It certainly gave a confirmation of reality when I accidentally touched his hand, and saw his face. I had spent an hour or so with him after his death without feeling that sense of finality.
I'm really surprised at how many memories of the good times are coming up, and how few of the bad. That's why I feel funny about not remembering the bad. It's like a posthumous sainthood.
I'm sorry you're having trouble accessing those feelings. They have been very healing, I think.
Daddy had bought my son's Christmas present already and Mother brought it when she came for Christmas dinner. I wonder if he had actually planned to give them for a few Christmases and a few birthdays. He usually didn't give that much at once.
I do sort of wonder if my marriage will stand this strain.
Posted by mair on December 26, 2004, at 11:40:40
In reply to Re: I made it through. » mair, posted by Dinah on December 26, 2004, at 10:32:13
Maybe I can't access those feelings and memories them because I've kept my emotional and physical distance for quite awhile. From the time I found out my father was going to die until he died (about 2 weeks later), I was with him alot but he was mostly incoherent, so I never was able to have a conversation with him. In some respects I was relieved. And while I and all of my siblings and my step mother were there with him when he died, none of us wanted to be with his body afterwards. It so much didn't look like him. I think you were very brave to stay with your father.
I know what you mean about the after death sainthood however. I can't remember much good or bad of a very personal nature, but the person who has come to life for me is the very public person I remember from my childhood. People were drawn to my father and he needed people around him. He had an amazing capacity to remember not only names but the details of people's lives - for years even after he had last seen them. As you might imagine, that would make someone feel very special, and I loved being witness to that when I was younger. There were so many public and personal testimonials after he died - that part of him, the public person, had disappeared for me in the last several years, both because he got so feeble, and because I saw him so infrequently around non-family members, which is when he was at his best. My therapist has pointed out to me, however, that there is a difference between having my father do something for me that made me feel special, and feeling special just because I was related to someone who was so wonderful to others. I envy you that you can remember the things your father did that were centered on you. I think you'll be able to draw great comfort from those memories for years.
My husband and my 16 year old daughter certainly have their difficulties sometimes, but he does things that I'm sure make her feel special - I was amazed yesterday to see the very beautiful jewelry box he bought her totally on his own - tucked in the box were a couple of different sets of earrings, also selected by him. I can't imagine my father ever doing that. My daughter loves long dangly earring and big hoops. I get annoyed sometimes by how clueless my husband is about things happening with our children, but I have to give him more credit for knowing things like what kinds of earrings our daughter likes - because I think that's a wonderful thing. Of course I was one of 5 kids, so maybe it was a matter of numbers.
Why do you think your marriage may not be able to hold up? Are you so consumed with grief that you can't engage with your own family members? Life does have a way of trudging on. You said something in another post I read about your husband's grief. Did his mother die too - I know she has been sick as well?
Dinah - I've been very much out of the loop here for awhile, but I know how much you did for your parents - I know how much you put your own mental health at risk to meet their demands - you should be very proud of yourself for that and for the time being, try to just comfort yourself with those good memories without worrying about the fact that they're only part of the story.
I'm glad you're willing to share this on PB.
Mair
Posted by Dinah on December 28, 2004, at 20:56:53
In reply to Re: I made it through., posted by mair on December 26, 2004, at 11:40:40
My father had a different public image as well. The nicest most patient guy in the world. :) With the big hearty laugh. (the one I always knew meant he was talking to someone outside the family and labelled his fake hearty laugh). They had no idea of the man he could be.
I'm lucky that I always knew he loved me. I know he never meant to hurt me. We had this symbiotic relationship where we took care of each other. I worked with him for all of my working life. Those years, until I had my son anyway, were the happiest I ever remember him. Because I'd put staples in the stapler if he needed them. And he could yell at me the way he couldn't yell at employees in general. He felt cared about. He had someone he could talk to about anything from work to politics to religion. But he did his part by protecting me from the rest of the world - if not himself. :) My therapist used to think it was a harmful relationship until my father retired. Then all the benefits to my mental health became obvious by their absence.
It was a close but complicated relationship.
I suppose it's only natural that I am reacting the way I am given our relationship.
My husband's mother died less than two days (if I remember correctly) after my dad. It was a rough week. Two deaths. Two funerals. Two people under stress dealing with stress by becoming more extreme versions of their usual selves. And unfortunately our extreme versions don't get along too well AT ALL. I withdraw and get dreamy (and irresponsible to his eyes). He gets super rigid (and mean in my eyes).
Sigh. If we make it through this we'll be... I dunno. Irreparably damaged I suspect. As a couple.
This is the end of the thread.
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