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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 29. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Raindancer on March 12, 2004, at 15:46:48
Saw my T today and the subject of termination came up again - I sort of knew we were working towards it but had conveniently put it to the back of my mind and there it is again and it can't be long. I really wanted forever therapy. I came to my T with attachment problems and I just can't envisage not seeing him. I have to wait several weeks for next appt due to hols etc. Couldn't stop crying in the session and have kept breaking down since. He has to be away to do different work quite soon so there's no delaying it this time and I just couldn't bear going through it with anyone else. I can't bear the pain and am really depressed. I know I should have faced up to the situation before.
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 16:34:50
In reply to Can't Stop Crying, posted by Raindancer on March 12, 2004, at 15:46:48
Wow I am so very very sorry I DREAD that day when I am in your spot so I don't have anything wise to say. Jusr know I CARE and am VERY VERY sorry will be praying for you and wonder if maybe your T can talk to you and or have you see someone else there to work on the loss? HUGE HUGS
Posted by Raindancer on March 12, 2004, at 16:54:13
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying » Raindancer, posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 16:34:50
Thank you so much Fallen. You make me feel a little less desperate. I know my T won't totally abandon me and will at least write, but it just won't be the same and I'm devastated and scared. I shall try to avoid seeing anyone else if possible. Thanks again. Reading your posts I know how kind and understanding you are and I really appreciate your caring and your prayers. Hugs.R
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 17:20:13
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying » Fallen4myT, posted by Raindancer on March 12, 2004, at 16:54:13
Thank you and trust me I wish I could do more to help. I have not YET touched the issue of leaving with my T but already have thought how I will/would feel and I DREAD it. I really think (?) that while you are still seeing him and writing, A T at the same clinic may be able to help bridge this loss for you. One because they know him too and may miss him and two youre gonna wanna talk about it. I could cry for you to be honest cause I KNOW in my heart I would be beyond sad in your spot and I know I will be someday :( I am often here not so much on weekends so post to me anytime. vent, within Dr Bobs rules :) and just know there are a LOT of people here that can tell you what they went through and support you better than I can cause I can only imagine the pain they have been there. I AM HERE FOR YOU
HUGS AND PRAYERS and just so very sorry :(
> Thank you so much Fallen. You make me feel a little less desperate. I know my T won't totally abandon me and will at least write, but it just won't be the same and I'm devastated and scared. I shall try to avoid seeing anyone else if possible. Thanks again. Reading your posts I know how kind and understanding you are and I really appreciate your caring and your prayers. Hugs.R
Posted by DaisyM on March 12, 2004, at 18:17:13
In reply to Can't Stop Crying, posted by Raindancer on March 12, 2004, at 15:46:48
Raindancer,
I'm sorry for your heart-break. You should not be so hard on yourself, you did face up to this before. Like everything else in therapy, learning to be OK without therapy is a process. You experienced a few weeks without him, lived through it, and now you have to do it again. You will find the strength, it is there, you've built the foundation with him.
Initially good-byes are always sad and devastating. I hate them and personally avoid them as much as I can. BUT, I think a closure plan is critically important here. When is your last session? Have you thought about what you would like to say...what you would like to hear? (Besides he has changed his mind and is staying...) Is there something small in the office you would like as a keepsake? Or something you could give him? Is a follow up phone call possible? Can you send emails?
There are possibilities to make this somewhat easier. I don't think you should just slam the door on another Therapist either. What does your current Therapist say? Does he think you really are ready to be done, aside from missing him? Or, would he recommend someone for a short period of consultative work.
This intimacy is such a double-edge sword. I'm sorry for your pain. We've talked about self-care strategies before -- can you think of a few to get you through the weekend? I'll be around so post and I'll answer.
I wish I could find some really wise words to remind you how valuable the time you've spent with him has been, and to tell you that it has been worth it. Endings are just disguised beginnings. God puts people in our path for a reason, each contributing to our life in a unique way. Please take care and know I am think about you.
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on March 12, 2004, at 19:12:33
In reply to Can't Stop Crying, posted by Raindancer on March 12, 2004, at 15:46:48
He has to be away for other work? That sounds as if he's coming back? Would it help to have plans to have an appointment whenever he gets back?
It might stop the forever part of the feelings, and move them back to the legitimate loss you feel for an important relationship.
It's hard when outside events prevent the natural termination of therapy.
Posted by DaisyM on March 13, 2004, at 14:47:02
In reply to Can't Stop Crying, posted by Raindancer on March 12, 2004, at 15:46:48
Just checking in...How are you today?
Please post if you need support. I'd send flowers if I could, or cookies.
I'm thinking about you.
Daisy
Posted by Raindancer on March 13, 2004, at 17:10:37
In reply to Raindancer - How Are you?, posted by DaisyM on March 13, 2004, at 14:47:02
Dear Daisy, thanks so much for asking and for your previous post. Your thoughts and words gave me a lot of comfort. I haven't taken any meds for some time but had 30mg Seroxat (Paxil?) yesterday and 20mg today just to stop being a jibbering wreck and breaking down all the time and this has helped but I daren't think too much. The trouble is I came to my T with attachment problems (to someone else) and although I have made a lot of progress in other directions in therapy, this is still my stumbling block. Also I have been quite depressed since the deaths of my father and uncle last year (My T had already suggested I go back on meds for this).
He does think I'm ready. He isn't actually leaving, just changing the nature of his work and I know will give me all the support he can. No dates fixed yet but I think it will be quite soon. Meanwhile I have to wait 5 weeks to see him again. When I look at it logically I know I'm really lucky because he is caring, but I have such a terror of losing him I am just overwhelmed with grief.
I have very little confidence but have achieved quite a lot (on my T training course) but it's getting harder and I really need him beside me.However I will have to face up to it somehow and as you say, it is a process.
Thank you so much for the flowwers and the cookies - I feel asa though you really gave them to me. You have been just great all along andf I really value your friendship.
Posted by Raindancer on March 13, 2004, at 17:30:25
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying/ SEMI LONG » Raindancer, posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 17:20:13
You do help enormously Fallen and I'm so glad you are there. I did take some meds yesterday and today (first time for ages) just to stop crying and I feel much calmer. My T isn't actually leaving the area just changing the nature of his work. If I find it too hard going I will seek out another T for just a few sessions, but as attachment is a major problem I don't really want to go down that road again for at least a while. Thank you so much for your concern. I really appreciate it. R
Posted by Raindancer on March 13, 2004, at 17:41:17
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying » Raindancer, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2004, at 19:12:33
Dear Dinah,
Thank you. I'm still not sure what's happening and we still have to talk about the whens and how to end. But I did so badly want forever therapy, especially as I find any sort of endings totally traumatic. As you once suggested, even now I want to throw my arms round his legs and hang on!! Thank you so much for your thoughts and care.R
Posted by terrics on March 14, 2004, at 10:23:00
In reply to Can't Stop Crying, posted by Raindancer on March 12, 2004, at 15:46:48
There is nothing I can say to help you feel better, But I hope everything turns your way and that you are feeling better soon. terrics
Posted by DaisyM on March 14, 2004, at 13:42:36
In reply to Re: Raindancer - How Are you? » DaisyM, posted by Raindancer on March 13, 2004, at 17:10:37
Raindancer,
I'm glad you took the meds and that they helped. Here is kind of a far-out idea...
Since he isn't moving out of the area, can he "mentor" you through the harder parts of your program? I know he is changing his work but I have someone who held the same job I do many years before and we meet for coffee, lunch on Saturdays, etc. every once in awhile when I have questions or need support. She is also available by email. It isn't all the time, every couple of months, with maybe an email a month.
Given what he knows about you, this might work...
Otherwise, I strongly suggest a study group. MAKE yourself go or start one yourself. These can be life savers for us "older" students plus they are supportive in a more general way.
As you know, I have "attachment" issues myself so I totally sympathize. I have to go away in a few weeks and will miss a couple of therapy sessions. I was starting to freak a little about this so my Therapist suggested phone sessions while I'm gone. I can't believe how relieved I am that he is willing to do this. At the same time, I feel like a little kid about it all.
One other thing that helps me, weirdly, is reading "light" case studies/stories about therapy. I love Yalom books or "Tales of a Traveling Couch". I don't know why this helps, it just does.
5 weeks...Ok, we'll count it down together. I'll keep checking on you. Please let me know how things are.
(((Raindancer)))
-D
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 15:32:12
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying/ SEMI LONG » Fallen4myT, posted by Raindancer on March 13, 2004, at 17:30:25
Aw thank you Rain please keep us posted and know we are really here for you
hugs
Posted by Dinah on March 14, 2004, at 15:53:11
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying » Dinah, posted by Raindancer on March 13, 2004, at 17:41:17
Well, I certainly can't argue with the desire for forever therapy. I'm hoping my therapist outlives me.
I'm terrified that my therapist will get a full time job and quit private practice, but he's kind of hinted he would continue to see me on a part time basis if that ever should happen. I think he just doesn't want therapy diverted into my bottomless abandonment fears though, so I'm not sure how seriously I should take him.
Posted by pegasus on March 14, 2004, at 16:33:55
In reply to Can't Stop Crying, posted by Raindancer on March 12, 2004, at 15:46:48
I saw this back when you first posted, and it reminded me of myself back in January, when my T had just left town. I wanted to say something comforting to you, but I guess I'm still too close to it to know of anything comforting.
What I can say is that my new T has been surprisingly helpful. I was terrified of starting over with someone new, because she didn't know my stuff, and when I started therapy with my old T it was *really hard* for a *long* time. I didn't want to go through that again.
But I found that I didn't have to go through it again. I wish I'd been able to understand that ahead of time. It *did* actually help to talk to a different T, even when I didn't have a relationship with them before hand. A lot of the stuff I had worked out with my old T *did* actually transfer to my new T. I really recommend seeing someone else - at least for a while - if you have any options for that at all.
Also, one thing that has helped a lot is staying in occasional contact with my old T. We made it pretty clear before he left what I might do to contact him, and how he'd likely respond.
Someone on babble also recommended finding some things you can do after your last session that help you feel connected. I think she visited a coffee shop and ordered her T's favorite coffee drink. I've been reading about the location that my T moved to, checking the weather, that kind of thing. And I've been reading books that he recommended. It's amazing what silly little things can help you feel connected.
But, basically, this situation is just hard, I know it. You can make it through, though. We'll help you. Feel free to post about how much it sucks. Get all your feelings of abandonment and betrayal out there if it helps you.
I wish you lots of luck.
- p
Posted by Raindancer on March 14, 2004, at 17:18:53
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying » Raindancer, posted by terrics on March 14, 2004, at 10:23:00
Thanks a lot terrics. I really appreciate it. I've read all of your posts and know how kind you are. R
Posted by Raindancer on March 14, 2004, at 17:47:05
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying » terrics, posted by Raindancer on March 14, 2004, at 17:18:53
Dear Daisy, Thanks as always. You are just brilliant and so kind. The meds have helped a lot, although I really hate taking them. I'm not sure if it's really me that's feeling a bit better if you know what I mean. If it is me it's more the adult than the child - and I was never sure there really was an adult....
Your idea of mentoring is good and I know my T is willing to put something in place for me if only by letter. I am so glad that you will be having phone sessions with your T when you're away. That'll feel much better.
I too love Yalom and find it a great comfort to read about other people's experiences in therapy - he also has a great sense of humour. But I'd never heard of the "Travelling With My Couch" one. I shall get it. Thank you. It will be something to look forward to.
I am still training to be a T (2nd year of 4 - not ready for clients yet) but finding it hard as my emotions are already all over the place and the sessions churn them up even more. We have quite a lot of work outside college, which i have so far kept up to date although I haven't done enough background reading and find it hard to concentrate. I also belong to a Reading Group that meets once a month.
Thank you for being there Daisy. It means so much. R
Posted by Raindancer on March 14, 2004, at 17:49:00
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying » Raindancer, posted by Raindancer on March 14, 2004, at 17:47:05
Posted by Raindancer on March 14, 2004, at 17:51:58
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying » Raindancer, posted by Dinah on March 14, 2004, at 15:53:11
I should believe him Dinah. I think he would miss you too much! R
Posted by Raindancer on March 14, 2004, at 18:11:09
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying, posted by pegasus on March 14, 2004, at 16:33:55
Dear Pegasus,
Thank you so much for your message, which contains so much good sense. I am sure I shall be having some contact with my T though not sure how as yet and 4weeks 5 days to next appointment. Trouble is by the time I've waited that long I'm such a wreck that I waste time by spending the session in tears.I think I possibly could see someone else but would rather not at this stage, unless things get too difficult. I've had attachment issues from a child and need to break the pattern and still hoping my T will find a way to help me with this.
You have shown a lot of courage since your old T left. I at least have the comfort of knowing mine isn't all that far away. Even so I'm very afraid of the empiness and absolutely dread it.
Thank you for all your kindness and concern. I honestly don't know what I would have done without you all in the past months. It makes me feel very humble and very grateful. I'll keep in touch and be thinking of you too.
All the best.R.
Posted by DaisyM on March 18, 2004, at 23:15:33
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying » pegasus, posted by Raindancer on March 14, 2004, at 18:11:09
Raindancer,
Sorry, have been under the dark cloud myself this week. Today is better. Wanted to check on you. Please let me know how you are doing?
DaisyHow is school?
Posted by Raindancer on March 19, 2004, at 6:19:07
In reply to Can't Stop Crying, posted by DaisyM on March 18, 2004, at 23:15:33
Daisy Hi, Was about to post to ask if you were OK when I saw your name. So sorry you've not had a good week - it is so much of some (weak) sunshine and some shadows. Hope you are feeling a little better.
I am reasonably OK. The meds have really helped and I saw a really helpful GP (new) yesterday and she says she will "keep an eye on me", which is really supportive. I think the meds help to distance you and tone down the emotions somewhat, but I know without them I'd be back in the pit and that's rather scary.
School was much better this week. I told everyone about the meds as they had seen me going down and they were accepting. I also spoke to my tutor and told her about the abandonment issues and worries about continuing the course and she said I was doing fine and my work well up to standard and skills good, so I was much relieved about that. That said I miss my T like hell - only four more weeks!!
Very wet and windy here today. Got soaked on the way to town, but enjoyed it.
Thinking of you and thanks as always
(((((Daisy)))))
Raindancer
Posted by DaisyM on March 19, 2004, at 13:29:42
In reply to Re: Can't Stop Crying » DaisyM, posted by Raindancer on March 19, 2004, at 6:19:07
I think I'll take your rain...the sunshine seems out of place today. Someone I work with in our community was killed in a car wreck yesterday, and we found out last night. She was an amazing woman and only 40. My staff looks to me to be strong, together and philosophical at times like these and so far I've held everyone together. I walked in on a group cry this morning and was able to gently get everyone moving back towards their jobs before the kids arrived.
However, at this moment, I am locked in my office trying not to fall apart and not call my Therapist. I have to believe that I have the inner-strength to endure these curve balls of life on my own...at least I use to.
This rocks me in so many ways. Part of my struggle is finding out who I am, what I was really meant to be doing and what drives me to do what I am currently doing. I always want to believe that I have plenty of time to work through this stuff but perhaps my friend's death highlights that age old wisdom of living every moment and not waiting for the future to make it all better.
*sigh* Sorry...this all just came pouring out. I really meant to be supportive of you, not dump out my stuff. I'd delete but that doesn't seem right somehow. So, please don't worry, I am fine, and we will both get through the challenges in our path. We just have to keep helping each other.
Daisy
Posted by Raindancer on March 19, 2004, at 20:46:55
In reply to I'd rather have rain » Raindancer, posted by DaisyM on March 19, 2004, at 13:29:42
Daisy , I'm so glad you didn't delete. As you said, we have to support each other. I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend and colleague - it must have been an awful shock and very sad. You did really well to be there for your staff when you were so upset yourself - that shows so much strength and love too.
I hope you maybe felt able to call your T and receive support for yourself. You are tremendously strong but even strong people need a hand sometimes.....so often we feel we need to be Superwoman and not flinch even when things are really tough.
I believe you will have time to do all you need to do in therapy and in life. In many ways you are "living every moment." Therapy is very difficult and very painful but it seems as though you have an enhanced awareness even through that pain. You give so much of your kindness and wisdom to us all and really make a difference in our lives. To me you are one of the great people in this world and I'm proud to know you.
Take care of yourself. You are very much in my thoughts.
Raindancer.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 19, 2004, at 21:50:18
In reply to I'd rather have rain » Raindancer, posted by DaisyM on March 19, 2004, at 13:29:42
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