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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Aphrodite on May 17, 2004, at 12:03:37
I can't stop thinking about something my therapist said two sessions ago. He said something in passing about our city not being a great place for him, that he doesn't find many kindred spirits here.
I choked. He's not married and doesn't have children; except for his extended family, he has nothing to hold him back from going anywhere he likes. As some of you may know, I'm trying to open up to him more, but this just made me paralyzed. What if I do and he moves away?
Of course, I want him to go wherever makes him happy. I am sad for him that he isn't connected here. But, I also don't want to depend on someone who may very well leave. That's happened all my life -- those I get closest to either die or move away.
Did I read too much into his off the cuff remark? It's not like he said, "I'm thinking of relocating." But he also has never said anything reassuring like, "I'm not going to leave you in the middle of this."
I can be so selfish, not to mention neurotic.
Posted by DaisyM on May 17, 2004, at 14:00:40
In reply to Abandonment Fear!, posted by Aphrodite on May 17, 2004, at 12:03:37
If you are looking for a way to open up to him, this is a great way! You say, "I'm surprised that I've found myself thinking about your comment..blah blah. And I think I'm worried that I'll get myself to open up to you and you will move and I will have to start over with someone else."
The first time I admitted this fear, I felt like an idiot, and then a very small child. My Therapist said he was glad I told him my fear. He did reassure me about staying with me "in it" and he said it was a huge theraputic developmental step to realize that it would be upsetting if he did leave. It meant I was becoming "attached." You think??
We've since had this conversation a million times, about my fear of him leaving. We had it again last Thursday.
So I encourage you to tell him you've been thinking about what he said. I'm sure it will be productive.
Daisy
Posted by KindGirl on May 17, 2004, at 15:11:58
In reply to Abandonment Fear!, posted by Aphrodite on May 17, 2004, at 12:03:37
Hi A,
I am so sorry this triggered all that stuff. My t. tells me all the time she is not going anywhere, and yet I panic each and every day she is leaving me. Can you talk to him about this? I didn't have the courage to talk to her voice to voice about this sort of thing, but I have left her voice messages saying things like, "what makes me think you are not going to dump me like everyone else in my life?" or "I am afraid you are going to leave or die." And she always reassures me, tells me she is commited to me no matter what. It does help to get it out there otherwise it is an elephant in the room everytime you see him and it will just get in the way of everything. I hope you are able to talk to him about it. You could be reading more into it than that. Plus, just because he moves, doesn't mean his office will move, right? Talk to him!!!!I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry. Gosh this hurts. My t is on vacation and right before she left I said something like, "If I were you, I would buy a one way ticket and not come back here." And she said I wasn't getting rid of her that easily and she was coming back. She kept saying that...I am coming back. I am coming back, I am not going to bail on you. Maybe you need to hear those words from him or at least tell him your fears. Good luck. No shame in this....you are doing great.
Posted by pegasus on May 17, 2004, at 15:49:26
In reply to Abandonment Fear!, posted by Aphrodite on May 17, 2004, at 12:03:37
I think this is a totally valid thing to bring up again in therapy. He's the one who volunteered the info about your town not being ideal for him. I'd definitely have started having the same type of thoughts that you are having. Which is not to say that his words necessarily mean that he might move. But it's an issue for me as well. And if I was doing therapy with someone who I wasn't sure would stick around, personally I'd definitely start making plans to transfer to someone who seems more stable. But that's just me and my personal issues.
Maybe working on that fear can be a really productive thing for you (and for me!). Because, really, people are going to leave us in our lives, on purpose or not. It's kind of part of life to some extent, I think.
pegasus
Posted by Dinah on May 17, 2004, at 16:00:18
In reply to Abandonment Fear!, posted by Aphrodite on May 17, 2004, at 12:03:37
Oooh, I know exactly how you feel. My therapist was talking in passing one day before he got married about how he misses his home state, and how he could work out the license issues. Moreover, he isn't the stablest guy career wise.
I'm sure he instantly regretted his lack of judgement. I obsessed on it incessantly for so long! And he wouldn't reassure me that he wouldn't leave town. He said there are no assurances in life, etc. etc.
When he got married, one of the things he said is that being married would assure that he wouldn't be leaving this area. So that's reassuring, right? Well, now I just obsess over the state of his marriage because I'm reasonably certain that if his marriage ends, he'd move.
As Roseannerosannadanna (or was it Emily Litella) said, if it's not one thing, it's another. Or something like that.
Posted by Dinah on May 17, 2004, at 16:01:10
In reply to Abandonment Fear!, posted by Aphrodite on May 17, 2004, at 12:03:37
Ummm, I suppose the point to that wandering post was that I *did* talk to him about my abandonment fears. Incessantly. :)
Posted by crushedout on May 17, 2004, at 17:43:48
In reply to Re: Abandonment Fear! » Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on May 17, 2004, at 16:01:10
i liked your wandering post, dinah. :)
Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 17, 2004, at 19:24:41
In reply to Abandonment Fear!, posted by Aphrodite on May 17, 2004, at 12:03:37
Hi I can be selfish and am neurotic too so join the club :) I think I would maybe ask him if he plans to leave in the next 3 years as he did bring it up he should have no issue sharing that info to help comfort you. He may be under contract to stay too if he isnt in private practice..he may have a lease...if he is pdoc he may have to hang due to the hospital if he deals with one....I really would ask..For what its worth..I moved a while back and tell everyone I hate it here..and do...but no move in sight so just cause he wants to leave doesnt mean he will...Hugs and sorry youre kinda scared on this
> I can't stop thinking about something my therapist said two sessions ago. He said something in passing about our city not being a great place for him, that he doesn't find many kindred spirits here.
>
> I choked. He's not married and doesn't have children; except for his extended family, he has nothing to hold him back from going anywhere he likes. As some of you may know, I'm trying to open up to him more, but this just made me paralyzed. What if I do and he moves away?
>
> Of course, I want him to go wherever makes him happy. I am sad for him that he isn't connected here. But, I also don't want to depend on someone who may very well leave. That's happened all my life -- those I get closest to either die or move away.
>
> Did I read too much into his off the cuff remark? It's not like he said, "I'm thinking of relocating." But he also has never said anything reassuring like, "I'm not going to leave you in the middle of this."
>
> I can be so selfish, not to mention neurotic.
Posted by tterees on May 17, 2004, at 21:42:54
In reply to Abandonment Fear!, posted by Aphrodite on May 17, 2004, at 12:03:37
I agree with the others. Tell him/her how you feel. Both my T's (individual and group) know that I am afraid they are going to give up on me, leave me, tell me they never want to see me again. It helps to have it out in the open.
Posted by shadows721 on May 17, 2004, at 23:08:45
In reply to Abandonment Fear!, posted by Aphrodite on May 17, 2004, at 12:03:37
"He said something in passing about our city not being a great place for him, that he doesn't find many kindred spirits here."
I agree with you. That sounds like he might be thinking about relocating. Your radar may be right on target. I feel that getting your feelings about this fear out in the open would help clarify if this is true. Let us know what he says.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 18, 2004, at 12:58:31
In reply to Re: Abandonment Fear!, posted by shadows721 on May 17, 2004, at 23:08:45
A,
Whether he is thinking of leaving or not, yor reaction to his comment is really important to talk about with him. I agree with the others who said talking about it may lead to something really productive.Take care and good luck!
gg
Posted by Aphrodite on May 18, 2004, at 20:29:54
In reply to Abandonment Fear!, posted by Aphrodite on May 17, 2004, at 12:03:37
I will try (no promises) to take your sage advice and bring this up at my next session if we are not knee deep in that very odd energy stuff.
I'll post the results. If there is no post on Thursday, it means I've chickened out:)
Thanks so much for your support!
Posted by Dinah on May 18, 2004, at 20:40:41
In reply to Thanks all, posted by Aphrodite on May 18, 2004, at 20:29:54
This is the end of the thread.
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