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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on May 18, 2004, at 19:25:24
Hi,
I went to my therapist (now ex) for marital counselling. But in the process I got deeply attracted to my therapist. I have now formally ended my therapy but still feel very much attracted to him. The issue is, I am constantly thinking of him and wishing I could share my life with him.
I have a good husband - a wonderful person, but everyday I am constantly thinking of if I will ever leave this person and be with my therapist.
Actually just not my therapist, but with anybody. Has this happened to any of you? Even if you have a wonderful husband do you ever think of leaving them? I feel that I constantly wish I were with my therapist instead of with my husband.
Pinkeye.
Posted by spoc on May 19, 2004, at 11:20:29
In reply to My marriage and my therapist, posted by pinkeye on May 18, 2004, at 19:25:24
Hi Pinkeye,
I'm not married or in therapy (but should be in the latter; not sure about the former!), so what am I doing here?? I just wanted to say that from even just occasionally reading the Psych board and seeing how attached people get to their Ts and all they probably represent, I'm betting this is not uncommon and you are far from alone. And that maybe people just try to stay cognizant of the fact that the intense feelings are based on a level of knowledge/understanding of the T that isn't full or possibly even realistic. And that in the absence of serious marital problems, they use the principle of "a bird in the hand" to help them accept what is going on and what they need to keep in mind.
Sorry, that is probably not helpful at all, was just intuiting that yours must be a common struggle. Fallen4MyT may be a good one to share these feelings with, if she sees this. Good luck to you! From what I've seen you seem like a common sense person who will be as capable as any of keeping things in perspective. :- )
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 19, 2004, at 12:10:20
In reply to My marriage and my therapist, posted by pinkeye on May 18, 2004, at 19:25:24
Totally normal. I went through it. You'll get over it in time the more you begin to see your T as human.
Posted by pinkeye on May 19, 2004, at 12:58:30
In reply to Re: My marriage and my therapist, posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 19, 2004, at 12:10:20
Thank you spoc and honeychurch. I am feeling now that my husband deserves more than what I can offer him. I am not able to give him the love he deserves and instead keep thinking about my therapist.
Posted by LG04 on May 19, 2004, at 15:29:40
In reply to Re: My marriage and my therapist, posted by pinkeye on May 19, 2004, at 12:58:30
Hi, I am not married but I have a close friend who was in therapy for 7 years and had intense attraction to her therapist for a really long time, to the point that she almost left her husband because of it. She said it was very painful but eventually she realized that the attraction was more about her than about her real feelings towards the therapist, and today she has a wonderful relationship with her husband and is so grateful that she didn't leave him. And in fact her attraction to her therapist and her ability to work thru these feelings with him really helped her marriage in the end.
Maybe this will be helpful to you.
LG
Posted by pinkeye on May 19, 2004, at 16:35:42
In reply to Re: My marriage and my therapist, posted by LG04 on May 19, 2004, at 15:29:40
Hi LG,
Thanks for the response. Do you know how your friend went about changing her thinking about her therapist to forming a better relationship with her husband?
Thanks
Pinkeye.
> Hi, I am not married but I have a close friend who was in therapy for 7 years and had intense attraction to her therapist for a really long time, to the point that she almost left her husband because of it. She said it was very painful but eventually she realized that the attraction was more about her than about her real feelings towards the therapist, and today she has a wonderful relationship with her husband and is so grateful that she didn't leave him. And in fact her attraction to her therapist and her ability to work thru these feelings with him really helped her marriage in the end.
>
> Maybe this will be helpful to you.
>
> LG
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 20, 2004, at 8:41:02
In reply to My marriage and my therapist, posted by pinkeye on May 18, 2004, at 19:25:24
Pink,
I got over it mainly by knowing that my attraction to my T was not "real." Who wouldn't fall in love with someone who is caring and attentive and supportive? But, you have to realize that is a very artificial environment, that you are paying someone for thier services. Your husband is real, and loves you, warts and all. It took me awhile to see this, but when I did, my love for husband became even stronger.
Posted by LG04 on May 20, 2004, at 11:09:54
In reply to Re: My marriage and my therapist, posted by pinkeye on May 19, 2004, at 16:35:42
Sorry Pinkeye, I didn't ask her details, I just let her tell me what she was comfortable telling me. I just know she talked to her therapist a lot about her feelings and worked it through.
LG
Posted by pinkeye on May 20, 2004, at 13:42:13
In reply to Re: My marriage and my therapist » pinkeye, posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 20, 2004, at 8:41:02
Thanks Honey.
Maybe that is the whole problem. I know a lot about his personal life and I like him as he is. Not for his role as a therapist, but for what he is as a person.>
> I got over it mainly by knowing that my attraction to my T was not "real." Who wouldn't fall in love with someone who is caring and attentive and supportive? But, you have to realize that is a very artificial environment, that you are paying someone for thier services. Your husband is real, and loves you, warts and all. It took me awhile to see this, but when I did, my love for husband became even stronger.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 20, 2004, at 14:25:14
In reply to Re: My marriage and my therapist, posted by pinkeye on May 20, 2004, at 13:42:13
I know where you're coming from. I like my T a lot as a person. We like the same music, movies, we have the same sense of humor. I would LOVE to hang out with him in real life. But, you just have to accept it in your head that nothing will ever happen between you two, and would you want it to? If it did, it would mean he was putting his professeionalism and ethics aside and would that make you feel good that you had gotten treatment from a less than preofessional therapist?
For all the times I wish I could hug my T or hear him give me physical compliment (something he has NEVER done. He compliments me on everything but appearance), I know the minute that he fulfilled any one of these fantasies I would run from the room screaming my head off.
Though I am attracted to my T both mentally and physically, there is also a daddy component there that maybe you don't have with your therapist. The daddy thing helps in making me not want anything to happen.
All I can say is that I was on the brink of divorce when I entered individual therapy (we've never done couples therapy) and now my marriage is stronger than ever, even with my attraction and past infatuation with my T. I really do think it is a phase.
But it seems like you are infatuated with a former couples therapist? Let me ask you this and you don't have to answer if it's too personal. Is you husband supportive of you and your endeavors, etc? If he is not, perhaps you are longing for support, and you see that through the therapist. WHat is the state of your marriage now?
Posted by pinkeye on May 20, 2004, at 15:42:45
In reply to Re: My marriage and my therapist » pinkeye, posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 20, 2004, at 14:25:14
Thanks Honey for understanding so well. My marriage right now is not that great. My husband is into a religious cult though he is a very good and warm person. I am not in love with him. We just get along well.
I am not sure if I am just looking for support for my endeavours from my therapist. I am not sure if we would have liked each other had we met in some other setting though. Though I would like to think that it has a very high probability.
> I know where you're coming from. I like my T a lot as a person. We like the same music, movies, we have the same sense of humor. I would LOVE to hang out with him in real life. But, you just have to accept it in your head that nothing will ever happen between you two, and would you want it to? If it did, it would mean he was putting his professeionalism and ethics aside and would that make you feel good that you had gotten treatment from a less than preofessional therapist?
>
> For all the times I wish I could hug my T or hear him give me physical compliment (something he has NEVER done. He compliments me on everything but appearance), I know the minute that he fulfilled any one of these fantasies I would run from the room screaming my head off.
>
> Though I am attracted to my T both mentally and physically, there is also a daddy component there that maybe you don't have with your therapist. The daddy thing helps in making me not want anything to happen.
>
> All I can say is that I was on the brink of divorce when I entered individual therapy (we've never done couples therapy) and now my marriage is stronger than ever, even with my attraction and past infatuation with my T. I really do think it is a phase.
>
> But it seems like you are infatuated with a former couples therapist? Let me ask you this and you don't have to answer if it's too personal. Is you husband supportive of you and your endeavors, etc? If he is not, perhaps you are longing for support, and you see that through the therapist. WHat is the state of your marriage now?
Posted by shadows721 on May 20, 2004, at 22:39:30
In reply to My marriage and my therapist, posted by pinkeye on May 18, 2004, at 19:25:24
I think it's normal to have fantasies. Most marriages go through ups and downs and in those downs the fantasies may arise. Usually, that "other" person represents the things that are lacking in our current relationship like - communication and sharing. I hear it all the time - he or she doesn't do this or that, but
the "other" does. If I were dwelling so much on someone else, I would ask why. What do they really represent? What is it that really attracts me about them? (Most relationship books point that we are attracted to folks that have characteristics of people in our childhood.) Who do they represent to me? Am I attracted to them, because they are unavailable or a challenge? What is it that I feel I need from this person?How would you act with this person? Can you act like that with your husband? If so, it may help change the relationship in a positive manner. You may see your husband in a new light and he may see the "other" woman in you.
Posted by pinkeye on May 21, 2004, at 16:29:36
In reply to Re: My marriage and my therapist, posted by shadows721 on May 20, 2004, at 22:39:30
That is an interesting idea to act with your husband like how you would act with this other man. I will try that. I think it will be really good for our marriage to do that.
Posted by LostGirl on May 24, 2004, at 20:25:26
In reply to Re: My marriage and my therapist, posted by shadows721 on May 20, 2004, at 22:39:30
I went through a similar thing. Thought about him all the time and it made the shortcomings I already saw in my husband seem all the more unbearable. I was with that therapist for 3.5 years, and it's been over 2 since and I can't say I'm 100% over him yet.
But here's my perspective on this situation - therapy is a situation that sets you up for heartbreak. It creates an environment that is so warm and kind and caring and all focused on you that it brings out neediness and dependency even if you think you weren't that way. It's like that perfect mother/father love we never got. Plus since we're adults there's the attraction element and also since we're peers there's maybe even a sibling/friend element. So this one person is like everything rolled into one - parent, lover, friend, etc.
But it's a setup and unreal because even if they are being pretty genuine, they are still behaving in a professional capacity and purposefully being helpful and kind. In real life with their own spouse, they probably are as cranky, moody, demanding, impatient, etc, etc as we all are in real life. In therapy they seem so wonderful and perfect because it's their job to be that way (not implying they are not being genuine, but they are being genuine in their professional persona)
This is the end of the thread.
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