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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on July 19, 2004, at 16:17:29
I have therapy in 2 hours. I feel panicky and sick. I haven't felt this way about going in a long time. Usually I feel this way after! I'm posting here trying to resist the impulse to leave a message and say I'm not coming.
Last Thursday was intense and I felt very out of control as I shared new parts of some of my most awful memories. I'm getting the auditory parts back now. They drop into my dreams and I wake up "hearing" it instead of just "seeing" it. I didn't expect this. The younger part of me was so far out and flooded with painful, conflicting emotions. "She" was almost hysterical in her demand for answers.
"Our" therapist was great. He answered as much as he could and didn't just give the standard "you know it is never the child's fault" line. Because the 12 year old doesn't know that. So he soothed her and acknowledged the conflict and said he wanted to see all the tears. And made himself totally available over the weekend if needed.
But I put it away and kept it away this weekend. And now...I feel the storm brewing and I'm so afraid of the intensity. My younger parts feel safe in therapy and are aching to get there. But the rest of me is petrified.
I guess there is no real question here. Just needed to use Babble as a release valve. And no one is in Open! :(
Posted by Dinah on July 19, 2004, at 16:25:50
In reply to I think I'm afraid to go today, posted by daisym on July 19, 2004, at 16:17:29
*i* am in open. i might be shaky support, but i'll try to help.
Posted by Pfinstegg on July 19, 2004, at 17:13:56
In reply to I think I'm afraid to go today, posted by daisym on July 19, 2004, at 16:17:29
Hi Daisy. I hope you were able to go today. You have the greatest-sounding T., who has apparently been very skillful at bringing out the different *parts*. As I am going through the exact same thing (for the same reasons), I really can empathize with how terrifying and difficult it all is. There are times when I have to force myself to take that last step into my T's office. I am always glad I did, though, afterwards. I was really interested when you said how your younger parts were eager to be there, and to speak, while your adult self wasn't, at times. I have the opposite- my adult self really wants to be there, and speak freely, but my younger selves do not. We have to use dreams, slips of the tongue- just any means we can- to get them more fully into the dialogue.
I hope you'll let us know what happened today.
Posted by Poet on July 19, 2004, at 23:25:45
In reply to I think I'm afraid to go today, posted by daisym on July 19, 2004, at 16:17:29
Daisy,
Please post how it went or didn't go. Adult me and 14 year old me fear therapy, so I know how hard it is when part of you wants to just blurt it out and part of you wants to hide.
I thought of you today, I planted African daisies from seed and they are about to bloom. I'll let you know how pretty they are soon.
((((Daisy))))
Poet
Posted by daisym on July 20, 2004, at 1:35:44
In reply to Re: I think I'm afraid to go today » daisym, posted by Poet on July 19, 2004, at 23:25:45
...but most of me stayed quiet. I was very lucky to have Dinah and Fallsfall and Shadows talk to me in Open. They helped me hang on until it was time to go. I told my therapist how hard it was to come in and he wanted to know how I managed to make myself since most people would have cancelled. I said my friends pushed me. He said I have wise friends. :)
He wanted to debrief last Thursday and I really tried to stay with it. But it was apparent after 10 minutes that I was going to keep floating out the window unless we did something different.
I said, "new subject."
He said, "Ok, tell me your favorite baseball team."
"Don't have one. Tell me yours."
"Nope. then we'd be talking about me and that wouldn't be helpful."
"Today it might!"He let me skate for awhile and then we ended up talking about sex and the effect therapy has on it. My homework (I'm allowed to take my time on this one and NOT share it if I don't want to) is to describe my idea of the perfect sexual encounter. I got this assignment when I said I'd never really thought about what I liked best. I have to think about what I want, or think I might like...not what I'd do to someone else. I think I blushed about 22 times today. He kept saying not to worry, he has heard it all...so I told him to write it out and then I'd have a plan and directions!
It's funny, the adult who didn't want to go ended up doing most of the talking today. But I think that I talked to control things and I avoided what really needed to be worked on. So, of course, I had another melt down immediately after our session. I called like I'm supposed to, after a push from Fallsfall,(we are "experimenting" with a touching base as needed concept, which means I've promised not to struggle on my own, but to immediately cave in and call him, even if it is just to say "I miss you." He is trying to get the adult part of me to get out of the way and let the kid part of me learn to trust the attachment.)
He called back and we agreed that the kid part of me is not finished processing Thursday and we didn't give her room to talk today. He noted that she really, really wants to feel close to him. So "we" are invited back tomorrow, which is exactly what she wanted. And he said if I start to freak out about coming in, I'm supposed to tell the adult that she doesn't have to stay, he's happy to have a session with the younger parts of me all alone. In fact, he thinks that might be really interesting, to not have the gate keeper there at all. Like that is going to happen...
Thank you all for the support.
I love you guys!
Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2004, at 3:29:56
In reply to I went..., posted by daisym on July 20, 2004, at 1:35:44
Posted by gardenergirl on July 20, 2004, at 10:12:08
In reply to I went..., posted by daisym on July 20, 2004, at 1:35:44
Daisy I'm glad you went. I also thank you for sharing your experiences in session. I learn so much vicariously from all of your T's.
((((Daisy))))
Take care,
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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