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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 13, 2004, at 21:34:43
I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I have been in the system (public funding for the poor) for seven years. Depression, anti-depressents, mood stabilisers, ECT, nothing works so the inevitable BPD.
Terminated. 'DBT is the only thing that can help you'. That is when half the people who meet criteria get treatment and half get to be the control group. I get put in the control group (after studying my criteria to make damn sure I meet it - what a BPD thing to do, right??). Then someone drops out so I get the treatment. Contract for a year. Then at the end of that year, terminated. 'You have made no progress with psychological intervention for that last 5 years, there is no indication that future intervention will be of assistance, therefore I reccomend that nobody work with you'. After they take my improvement as evidence for the effectiveness of DBT in our 'unique cultural environment' of course.
I jumped off an overbridge. Smashed up both my feet and broke both my legs. Hospital for a month. Wheelchair for three. Crutches for a month 'you will never be able to walk without crutches'. But I can. Emotional pain is worse. The scars along my arms are worse. Long sleeves for me in the desert heat of Canberra, preaching to philosophers on how delusions are 'normal responses to anomalous experiences' (see Maher, 1999, 2003).
No treatment. Nice p-doc. In retirement I find out now. Just doing some work for the good old system while he is on holiday from Canada. 3 months. Then he is gone.
Then someone agrees to work with me. But I talk too much. I need to talk about voices and missing time, missing time and smack. The bottom of an overbridge.
Terminated.
(I don't feel safe working with you this is beyond my area of expertise)
BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? YOU CAN RUN BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? DO YOU THINK I AM QUALIFIED TO WORK WITH ME? DO YOU THINK I FEEL SAFE?
so (someone should work with her - just please god not me) duly noted amongst the masses of my file. Before they are bumped off to storage because who is going to read them when I dont get a clinician.
Because occasionally people get all excited. Golly gee, you have a promising academic career (smack, yeah right).
And simples combine to produce propositions which mirror reality, either being fulfilled in facts, or picturing what is not. The structure of reality, mirrored in thought, expressed in language. The limits of sense, the limits of what can be expressed in language.
WHAT WE CANNOT SPEAK OF WE MUAT PASS OVER IN SILENCE
is it me or is it the system? taken out of my parents care when i was a kid for being locked in my room for 7 years. not conducive to being rich
how did you finish school?
being told i shouldnt even be at varsity
how did you graduate college?crazy philosopher.
smack
im not qualified to live with myself
going crazy
dr is off sick this week
and what reception will i get when he gets back anyway
cant afford medication
going crazy
there is no hope for me
smack.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 13, 2004, at 23:00:36
In reply to MY RANT (LONG), posted by alexandra_k on September 13, 2004, at 21:34:43
Wow, your post was so moving. I really have no words, other than to say how impressed I am at your perseverance and strength. I am glad you are able to share some of your experience with us. I pray that you are able to find a situation where therapy is just right for you and focuses soley on your wellbeing.
Take care,
gg
Posted by shortelise on September 14, 2004, at 0:02:07
In reply to MY RANT (LONG), posted by alexandra_k on September 13, 2004, at 21:34:43
Alexandra. I'm so sorry. So so sorry. I hope you can find the strength, the same strength that got you this far.
This is the only life we have. We don't get another chance. Maybe it is awfully painful sometimes, for long periods of time, but it's all we have.I have lived periods of my life only for very infrequent moments - a fleeting moments of joy, the beauty of fallen leaves, the kindness of a stranger, the sun on my back, a child's laugh. Those little things kept me going, because even if there is nothing else, there are those things. And because this is the only chance I have to live, to be alive, to feel think hear see, to BE, I need to revel in the small sometimes, the mundane sometimes.
ShortE
Posted by alexis6 on September 14, 2004, at 2:44:51
In reply to MY RANT (LONG), posted by alexandra_k on September 13, 2004, at 21:34:43
Alexandra,
I am unbelievably moved by your amazing post. I can only imagine how much pain you are in, and I wish there was something I could do to help you feel hope. I feel you must be very strong to be dealing with the trials of your situation as well as you are-and I am so grieved that you have had to go through these terrible times. Thank you for sharing this, am thinking of you.
Alexis
Posted by gardenergirl on September 14, 2004, at 9:23:08
In reply to Re: MY RANT (LONG) » alexandra_k, posted by shortelise on September 14, 2004, at 0:02:07
ShortE,
Thanks for reminding me of those special moments of beauty...gg
Posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2004, at 22:58:27
In reply to MY RANT (LONG), posted by alexandra_k on September 13, 2004, at 21:34:43
Well I feel a bit sheepish about all that now, though I suppose it is good to get it out occasionally. Thankyou all for all the support.
I guess a lot rests on whether I am going to get funding to go to Ashburn; or alternatively, whether there may be some as yet undiscovered person in private practice in this region who will consent to work with me. I am just fairly sick of being pushed aside and ignored and that over the past years.
But there is hope: and I am still trying to get my p-doc to agree to give me psycho-therapy. His attitude of cautious scepticism is reassuring to me.
But in the meantime, it is just one day at a time; one moment at a time. I am hanging in there. Things will get better. I will stop feeling sorry for myself sooner or later...
:-)
Posted by shortelise on September 15, 2004, at 0:53:29
In reply to Re: MY RANT (LONG) » shortelise, posted by gardenergirl on September 14, 2004, at 9:23:08
You're very welcome GG.
I am afraid to seem Pollyanna-ish, but the fact is that sometimes there really are only brief moments of light in the darkness. At times, that has been all there was for me, and I held onto them, let them lift me up and out of the abyss for as long as I could hold on. On the very worst days, if I can just go for a walk I feel better.
ShortE
Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2004, at 18:44:31
In reply to MY RANT (LONG), posted by alexandra_k on September 13, 2004, at 21:34:43
The last two weeks have been the worst that I have experienced for a long time. Up and down and round and round, the full force of the emotional rollercoaster. Things feel so bad that I think I absolutely cannot tolerate it anymore, and then the next day I feel a lot better, and then positively manic and grandiose and then the descent begins - woosh!!! and we hit rock bottom. We cry from geniune sadness and then the rage begins, round and round and round we go; hour by hour, day by day.
The bottom has fallen out of our world
We never could internalise the good vibes
because there weren't any.
We need to be held emotionally
To have our emotional responses accepted
So we can learn to accept ourselves.
But instead of being accepted we are rejected
confirming our worst fears.And crisis services say 'why have you called us for - what do you expect us to do?'.
Are they purposely trying to hurt me?
(To provoke suicide?)
I respond to that by hanging up. Because what do I expect them to do? We need to accept that noone can help us(confirming our worst fears).I am a mess. I have been neglecting my students; cancelling their classes. Saying I am not going to conference after all (at the last minute). I am unable to work: I am addicted to babble.
my p-doc comes back on Monday.
He will be so busy after being off sick.
I know that nobody can save me from myself
But what really guts me is that nobody will even walk with me for a while.
We are so very afraid things will never get any better for us.Thankyou for listening to my ravings. (I don't really expect anyone to have made it this far). I like babble because people respond to what you write and you can take as long to get it out as you like. I grimace at some of my responses in hindsight - from a different point on the rollercoaster. I feel accepted by people here. It doesn't compare to the real world; but that is not to devalue it. It is everything I have got and something is infinitely better than nothing.
Thankyou all
I don't know what else to do
Posted by Susan47 on September 17, 2004, at 23:26:29
In reply to Re: MY RANT... CONTINUED (SIGH), posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2004, at 18:44:31
If someone at crisis services said that they were irresponsible and I wish there were someone to report that person. Or perhaps you understood it differently than it was meant; some people can be inept when they speak. I know, 'cause I used to be one of them, and I'm sure some would say I still am. :]
I also believe that some people just need to be unkind.
Please don't take it to heart. You deserve to be understood.
Sometimes crying is the only thing that helps. (((alexandra)))
This is the end of the thread.
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