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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rubenstein on September 16, 2004, at 9:57:58
I have had a really tough week, probably the hardest in my life thus far. Granted much of it has been due to the medicine shift, but perhaps it also has to do with that ever ellusive saga of trying to find one's self. A few weeks ago I had written a short essay (writing) about my feelings in therapy...my issues of trust, my fear of transference, my inabilty to fix some of my more impulsive behaviors, etc. I decided to tell him these things instead of reading them becuase it was harder for me to verbally express them. Well, by some jungian or freudian slip the letter became stuck in the chair. I had not another thought of it becuase I thought it was in my car, etc. Anyway yesterday, our third session in 6 days, which never has happened we are usually a once a week type of thing, he brings out this letter that he thought I might have written but was not sure becuase there was no name one it. I was so embarassed, not that I was trying to hide something but just more of the fact that I wasn't aware that this could happen and didn't prepare myself for it. He told me how insightful it was and how he never knew that I thought about things on such a deep level, until he read this. He asked me whyt I hadn;'t told him these things and I honestly said that I thought I had, it was never my intention to not say them, I just wasn't aware that my verbalizing of my ideas did not come out as I had wanted it to. It was such an interesting experience. Given the current week, maybe one that needed to happen. Although I of course was partly upset of my inabilty to express myself at times, at least I know and he knows that the thoughts are there, they just need help to be released. Perhaps that is a problem of being a musician, I can always express the inexpressible in my playing or singing or conducting, but in the real world....that is a whole different story. Sorry for the long message, thanks for listening...any thoughts??
Rubenstein
Posted by DaisyM on September 16, 2004, at 10:38:13
In reply to Therapy/writing/stories?, posted by rubenstein on September 16, 2004, at 9:57:58
I am a writer in my soul and journal most of my impressions and feelings. It took awhile but somewhere along the way my therapist discovered that writing was a release for me and some of the deepest things that could not be said were being written. I remember the first writing I ever brought him, it was a conversation between the adult me and the kid me. It was pages long and I gave it to him but didn't read it. He read it and ended up with tears in his eyes.
From there, we've progressed to on and off readings and if I'm struggling with something he'll ask, "did you write about it, I'd like to read it." I also take him emails from over the weekend if a subject is being bounced around with friends. Once in a while I'll hesitate about reading him something...thinking I should express it free form, as you did. Usually if I tell him I've written stuff, he'll vote for reading it slowly, talking about it piece by piece. We've done well with this...often one piece will take a week to get through.
Because writing is a powerful tool for me, I also often get writing assignments. Some I've shared here, they were fun or thought provoking. We were working on expressing feelings at that time. I can choose to bring them in or not, depending on how I feel about them.
A few weeks ago I was trying to shut down the memories and flash backs. So I put myself on writing restriction for two weeks as an experiement. It was tough and I felt worse and worse. My therapist finally said he thought it was a failed experiment and that I needed to let myself write, to get those feelings out. And, to let the younger parts of me have their say. They often express themselves through my fingers.
I was thinking about how I would feel if I accidentally left something I had written. There are a few things that I brought but at the last minute decided not to give him. So I think it would be startling to have him find something. But it sounds like your therapist handled it so well and you had a good discussion about it. If this takes you to a deeper level of understanding, I think that is great. It also might mean you should both consider using your writings at times in therapy.
Can you tell this a subject near and dear to my heart? Thanks for sharing.
Posted by shortelise on September 16, 2004, at 12:57:55
In reply to Therapy/writing/stories?, posted by rubenstein on September 16, 2004, at 9:57:58
You write that you have seen your T a lot in the last days, and that it's been a really hard time for you - to me that means that it's a time of progress. It always seems to be the painful stuff that most moves us forward - or is that just a fine fanstasy that helps me through the tough bits? I don't think so.
That you left the paper in your chair, well, that's a funny kind of lapse. It does makes me smile - imagining doing that and how carefully and respectfully my T would deal with it. How puzzled he must have been.
I've think I've writtne here before that those of us who are creative go a little crazy if we don't create. In the same vein, it would make sense that you would express things through music that would not then keen to be released verbally.
What I wonder is if we do need to express verbally the things we express through art. Your experience seems to say we do. I wonder.
ShortE
Posted by Racer on September 16, 2004, at 17:31:07
In reply to Therapy/writing/stories?, posted by rubenstein on September 16, 2004, at 9:57:58
It's funny that this came up right now, because I've just had two experiences with my pdoc that had a similar effect on me -- so much so that I'm thinking of changing his BabbleName from Dr NoName to Dr CattleProd.
The first had to do with his diagnosis, which was incredibly upsetting for me, because it was a diagnosis that I *knew* fit, but wasn't ready to face up to on my own. Having him put it on my chart as part of my Official Diagnosis was a real shock to my system -- but it also forced me to face it and examine it straight on, rather than continuing to glance at it from the corner of my eye.
The second just happened in the past 24 hours. I brought something up in my appointment with him yesterday that I hadn't been able to discuss with my therapist -- although I knew it needed to be part of the focus in therapy and *had* tried to say it to her -- but we didn't have time to discuss it. He said that we'd put it on the agenda for the next appointment, and asked if he could discuss it with my therapist in the meantime. I was paralyzed! I couldn't even manage to tell him that I wasn't sure what to say about that. Anyway, it did break the logjam -- I called and left a message for my therapist asking for an extra session this week, and identifying the issue that I hadn't been able to bring up with her. (I had told her that there was something wearing on me that I couldn't make myself say out loud, and -- since she's an intern and supervised by our marriage counselor who *has* heard some of it -- I suspect that she wasn't unaware of what it might be.) So, while we didn't go into it very deeply, we did discuss it today in therapy. And I left a message for him telling him that I had brought it up with my therapist, and that it was now OK for them to discuss it together.
I think sometimes we stymie ourselves, and that any way of getting past the logjam is Good -- even if it doesn't happen in *quite* the way we'd be most comfortable, or on our own schedule.
And I'm another who uses writing assignments, which I've found very helpful in getting past some of the trust issues. It's a lot easier for me to express myself in writing than in person, so they're a helpful tool in getting some things across that I wouldn't be able to do verbally. At the beginning of therapy with this therapist, I was having a very, very hard time, and the writing assignments helped break the ice and get me past that.
Also, for whatever the reason, the "me" who comes across in writing is probably a more honest reflection of the "me" inside than the "me" that people meet face to face. I know that, and so writing seems like an awfully valuable tool to use in the early parts of therapy, while building up to being able to expose those more vulnerable areas within me.
Hope that helps!
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