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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by mair on February 7, 2005, at 10:53:32
In reply to I'm afraid to go to Therapy, posted by daisym on February 6, 2005, at 21:46:34
Daisy - my T tells me that the pace of therapy is very important and something that she needs to evaluate all the time. Part of that is knowing, I guess, when to push and when not to. We've worked out a deal that I can refuse to talk about something that comes up and she'll back off if I make it clear enough to her. Generally we'll talk around it and "it" eventually comes out. If it's important enough and I really can't deal with it in a particular session, then it sort of weighs on me until I am ready to discuss it, or until I have to.
I know this is tough, and that you place a lot of trust in your T's skill and judgment. FWIW you have always struck me as a person of particular strength. I know you can do this even if you decide that you really can't attack it right now.
Mair
Posted by rubenstein on February 7, 2005, at 12:36:45
In reply to I'm afraid to go to Therapy, posted by daisym on February 6, 2005, at 21:46:34
>My thoughts are with you, I am also nervous about going to therapy this week....I hope things go okay
rubensteinI know this is not that unusual. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. But I can't get the anxiety to go down right now.
>
> This might have to do with the fact that on Friday I decided to take a week off from therapy. I told my therapist that I was emotionally exhausted. He said fine, he could understand that. We've been working really hard. But he wanted to talk it through a little. So he asked me to tell him what my thinking was. We had a harder than usual session on Thursday and I left really upset with him, though for the life of me I can't really remember why. I just felt like he had expectations for me that I couldn't meet, or something like that. But the upset dissipated quickly, so I told him, no, I wasn't avoiding him because of that. I talked about how easily I've been coming apart, reduced to tears often and feeling out of control of my emotions. If I could step back, I could find my strength and resilience again. He said, "You mean throw those walls back up." OK, well yeah, that too. Then he asked that question we all hate, "Tell me what you are afraid of..." So I told him that there has been a shift in my journaling. When I write about the abuse memories, I have been able to do it in broad terms, but I've never been able to stand to write down the details much. A few times, here and there, but usually I just can't. Lately this has changed. I'm writing about all of it, the color of the walls, the smells, the words...and it terrifies me.
>
> He got really quiet and then he said, "We've been waiting for this. We've been waiting for all the details and here they are. It is really important that you share them with someone and I want that someone to be me." So we talked some more and he said that the more we talk about it, the more he thinks taking a week off is a bad idea. He pointed out that avoiding this won't make it go away and if I was doing it to give him a break, he said he doesn't need one. In the end, I agreed to come in on Monday.
>
> I've managed to avoid thinking about it until this afternoon. Now I'm petrified. I know he won't push me to talk about all this if I don't want to. But when I see him, or talk to him, the younger parts of me refuse to shut up. And it is hard for me to believe that he doesn't need a break. I've been so needy and clingy for weeks.
>
> I have this picture of me sitting in the parking lot, letting my session minutes tick by. Sad because I'm not seeing him, but unable to force myself to go in.
>
> I feel pathetic.
Posted by Shortelise on February 7, 2005, at 12:46:28
In reply to I'm afraid to go to Therapy, posted by daisym on February 6, 2005, at 21:46:34
How did it go today?
Daisy, you are in control now.
ShortE
Posted by Dinah on February 7, 2005, at 14:05:43
In reply to I'm afraid to go to Therapy, posted by daisym on February 6, 2005, at 21:46:34
If you need to back off a bit from the intensity of it, that seems understandable. Today over a far less emotional topic, my therapist gave me the choice of whether to talk about something or not. Sometimes the emotional temperature gets too high, and it helps to sit back a bit from the flames.
But I trust you and your therapist to know what is and isn't right for you at this time.
Posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
In reply to Re: I'm afraid to go to Therapy » daisym, posted by Dinah on February 7, 2005, at 14:05:43
Thanks for all the support you guys. I'm going to need some more, I'm afraid.
I didn't get to therapy today. My husband had a mild heart attack and is currently in the hospital until they can figure out what to do next. He's complicated, due to his other illness. I have two kids calm and one freaked out. I walked out of a training (I'm the trainer) to take the call and never went back. It's Monday, it's billing week and all the business finances need review and decisions. God has a wicked sense of humor.
I'm sure it will all be OK, just tough right now. I don't fall apart until after a crisis. Get ready to catch me!
Daisy
Posted by messadivoce on February 7, 2005, at 19:53:43
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
Oh Daisy, I'm so sorry!! Is there someone at work who can pick up some slack while you deal with things?? Will calling your T and hearing his voice help you?
How old are your kids? I know you will get through this. Please let us know how you are later. Many hugs to you, and my best thoughts.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 7, 2005, at 19:54:15
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
(((Daisy)))
Aw, what a crappy thing to have happened.
:-(
Posted by Dinah on February 7, 2005, at 19:57:44
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
I understand. I fall apart afterwards too. I suppose that's not the worst way to do it.
I'll be here, arms at the ready.
(((( Daisy ))))
Posted by Speaker on February 7, 2005, at 21:29:18
In reply to Oh Daisy, posted by Dinah on February 7, 2005, at 19:57:44
Daisy,
It's like an ER nurse...you take care of everything and everyone and when the crisis is over and everyone else has moved on...it catches up to us. I find it a great attribute but very hard as when it finally hits me everyone else has moved on and I feel alone in all of it. Remember, we are here ready when you need us!
Hugs and Prayers,
Marie
Posted by mair on February 7, 2005, at 22:08:06
In reply to ((((( Daisy ))))), posted by Speaker on February 7, 2005, at 21:29:18
I hope your staff can rise to the occasion.
I know your husband's medical conditions are complicated. If he's like my husband, he's also not the least bit stoic about it, so you really have to hold it together for him too.
We'll always be here to help.
Mair
Posted by fallsfall on February 7, 2005, at 22:18:07
In reply to Re: ((((( Daisy ))))), posted by mair on February 7, 2005, at 22:08:06
3====(*)====E
(Those are my arms reaching out to catch you)
Work will survive. Take care of your family. And we'll take care of you.
Posted by Annierose on February 7, 2005, at 22:30:36
In reply to ((((((Daisy))))) » Daisym, posted by messadivoce on February 7, 2005, at 19:53:43
Posted by gardenergirl on February 7, 2005, at 22:42:57
In reply to Re: ((((( Daisy ))))), posted by fallsfall on February 7, 2005, at 22:18:07
Oh golly, of all the times. I'm sorry that happened. You and your family are in my prayers.
And I'm here, too. Just let me know what you need.
(((Daisy)))
gg
Posted by Shortelise on February 8, 2005, at 0:19:24
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
Posted by 10derHeart on February 8, 2005, at 0:21:05
In reply to Re: ((((( Daisy ))))), posted by gardenergirl on February 7, 2005, at 22:42:57
As my fomer T. said to me once (had 4 minor/major disasters in 4 days), "I'm so sorry all this is happening, but I like your composure. You can do this."I like your composure, Daisy. You can do this.
Praying for you and all your family.
Babblers are at the ready to catch you, for sure.
-- 10derHeart
Posted by mair on February 8, 2005, at 14:03:41
In reply to ((((( Daisy ))))), posted by Speaker on February 7, 2005, at 21:29:18
Posted by Susan47 on February 8, 2005, at 14:07:02
In reply to Re: ((((( Daisy ))))) (nm), posted by mair on February 8, 2005, at 14:03:41
Posted by littleone on February 8, 2005, at 15:06:55
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
So sorry this has happened. Please know that I am thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way.
Posted by All Done on February 8, 2005, at 15:18:37
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
Take care. I'm sorry it's such a tough time for you.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
(((Daisy)))
Posted by Aphrodite on February 8, 2005, at 16:05:56
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
(((Daisy)))
So sorry that you are experience this overwhelm. Take good care of yourself. Enlist all the help you can. In times like these, people like to know *exactly* what they can do to help, and since you've helped so many others, let them help you. (I know how hard that is.) Let your sons who are OK help the one who is not and let your employees do things to keep the work stress low.
Check in with your T too so you don't have to go into complete caretaking mode without his support.
I hope you have as soft of a landing as possible from it all.
Posted by Poet on February 8, 2005, at 17:59:27
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
Posted by daisym on February 8, 2005, at 22:55:17
In reply to (((((Daisy))))) I'll help catch you. More hugs. (nm), posted by Poet on February 8, 2005, at 17:59:27
Thank you all for the support. I love this group, truly.
My husband came home today. There seems to be minor damage to the muscle, not enough for any repair work. At this point they are guessing at a "brief" clot...and given his other illnesses, don't want to chance an invasive procedure if they don't have to. So...so.
My youngest is still struggling, but his therapist emailed me today to give some advice and add his support. It is nice to have a such good caring people in our lives.
I'm in that space of exhaustion right now, everything feels unreal and tentative. I'm anxious and fretful. Partly I MISS MY OWN THERAPIST -- whom I haven't seen for 6 days now. I think this is the longest since this summer. (how sad is that?!)
All of this brings up so many questions...how do I keep doing the work I'm doing in therapy with potential disaster hanging over my head? If I'm all torn up, how do I handle stuff? And mostly, sorting out my feelings about my marriage and the effects the long term illness has had on it seems very selfish and insensitive of me right now. Who am I to complain when I'm healthy?
I can hear my therapist asking, "But do you have a choice? If the memories are interfering in your life, they have to be dealt with. You can't ignore that which refuses to be ignored."
I feel like I should try. And the only way I can see to accomplish this is to stop going for a while. And just typing that sentence brings out the tears.
I feel trapped and alone. If one more person says, "I don't know how you do it all!" I'm going to scream. I'm scared -- of how I feel about all of this and how I don't feel. I guess it feels like that last straw.I keep asking myself if I can really handle this, especially knowing it is only going to continue to get worse.
OK, deep breath. Tomorrow, as they say, is another day.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 9, 2005, at 0:04:01
In reply to An Update, posted by daisym on February 8, 2005, at 22:55:17
I do think that given what is going on in your life at the moment that a switch to supportive therapy would be appropriate...
The memories will either receed by themselves (in which case you aren't ready to deal with them yet given everything else that is going on) - or they won't (in which case you may be stronger than you think).
I dunno. I just kinda have faith that we will not allow ourselves to face up to more than we can handle...
I dunno.
But now doesn't really seem to be the time to stop with the therapy altogether...
Posted by Annierose on February 9, 2005, at 6:08:53
In reply to An Update, posted by daisym on February 8, 2005, at 22:55:17
Dasiy - PLEASE
This is not the time to let go of your main source of support (as Dinah says, the last leg of your stool). You do need him right now and he will help you through this rough patch. With everything that is going on with your husband, he will know what to say and NOT SAY. But if your younger selves need a place to vent, he'll be with you to help contained them. I have found the times I do not want to go to therapy, end up being way better than I anticipated ... especially if I let her know that I didn't want to be there .... and I usually leave feeling comforted.Helping you, will give you more strength to help your son handle his emotions. My daughter sounds a lot like your son. I feel that they soak up all the emotions around them (good or bad). When a classmate is in pain, she feels that.
My thoughts are with you. Hoping things smooth out soon. And your husband is feeling better.
Posted by fallsfall on February 9, 2005, at 9:12:23
In reply to An Update, posted by daisym on February 8, 2005, at 22:55:17
>
> My husband came home today. There seems to be minor damage to the muscle, not enough for any repair work. At this point they are guessing at a "brief" clot...and given his other illnesses, don't want to chance an invasive procedure if they don't have to. So...so.*** So the immediate danger is over. Take a deep breath. Now take another one.
>
> My youngest is still struggling, but his therapist emailed me today to give some advice and add his support. It is nice to have a such good caring people in our lives.
>
*** I'm so glad his therapist is helpful to you. That is the way it should be. Remember that he *has* a therapist, and though you are the "Mommy", you have some help and support with your son. Let his therapist help you help him. You don't have to do it all alone.> I'm in that space of exhaustion right now, everything feels unreal and tentative. I'm anxious and fretful. Partly I MISS MY OWN THERAPIST -- whom I haven't seen for 6 days now. I think this is the longest since this summer. (how sad is that?!)
*** Perfectly understandable! Do you expect to be feeling any different from this? I hope you get to see him today. I think it's wonderful that you've had constant support from your therapist since his summer vacation.
>
> All of this brings up so many questions...how do I keep doing the work I'm doing in therapy with potential disaster hanging over my head? If I'm all torn up, how do I handle stuff? And mostly, sorting out my feelings about my marriage and the effects the long term illness has had on it seems very selfish and insensitive of me right now. Who am I to complain when I'm healthy?*** I hate to be blunt, but if you don't sort out your marriage issues now, you may never have a chance to sort them out. You need to take a hard look at whether you *ever* want to sort them out, or if you can live the rest of your life *without* sorting them out.
*** On the other hand, your husband *is* alive, and you *do* still have a marriage. How much longer can you manage in your marriage if you *don't* sort these things out?
>
> I can hear my therapist asking, "But do you have a choice? If the memories are interfering in your life, they have to be dealt with. You can't ignore that which refuses to be ignored."
>
> I feel like I should try. And the only way I can see to accomplish this is to stop going for a while. And just typing that sentence brings out the tears.*** Stopping therapy is not an option, Daisy. I know it is tempting, but you know that it isn't an option.
>
> I feel trapped and alone. If one more person says, "I don't know how you do it all!" I'm going to scream. I'm scared -- of how I feel about all of this and how I don't feel. I guess it feels like that last straw.I keep asking myself if I can really handle this, especially knowing it is only going to continue to get worse.*** Maybe all of those people are trying to give you permission to *not* "do it all".
*** You don't have to hold the world up singlehanded. Your therapist is there, your son's therapist is there, your husband's doctors are there, I am here, Babble is here, you have IRL friends who are truly there for you. It is OK to depend on us. People depend on people. Even ants depend on ants - dependency is something that is seen at all levels of our world. Why should *you*, Daisy, not need to depend on others when every other living thing in this world is dependent on others?? If you let yourself depend on people, people will support you and you won't be alone.
*** Yes, you have to be careful about who you depend on - not everyone will support you. But you have collected a pretty good group of people, who you *can* trust - if you can let yourself trust them.
>
> OK, deep breath. Tomorrow, as they say, is another day.Breathing is good. It is good to keep breathing all of the time.
You are in an impossibly hard situation, Daisy. Don't expect it to be easy. Don't be so hard on yourself when it *isn't* easy. Allow yourself to be human. Your questions are very hard questions. Let your therapist help you to figure out how to answer them. He is on your side.
(((((...Daisy)))))...
With love,
Falls.
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