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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derHeart on February 8, 2005, at 18:15:31
296.32 Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent Episode, Moderate
This is what my new T. submitted to my insurance company. We talked a little about the fact he’d need to do this for continued care, but actually never about what precise diagnosis he thought was accurate. I thought I didn’t care, so I didn’t pursue the topic. He even asked a week ago if I wanted to see the form he was sending in and I said no. Now I think maybe that was a dumb move.
I got my copy of the letter Saturday, and seem to have promptly developed symptoms. Could still be a coincidence, but I am wondering about the power of suggestion. I didn’t expect to feel so uneasy and strange. No major meltdown, but a definite unpleasant reaction. Before Saturday, other than mild moments of appropriate sadness about old T., I have been quite well and 95% free of depressive symptoms. Now, well…see below…
A brief history…I first sought help in 2002 for extreme anxiety, awful concentration, disorganization, losing control of tasks at work, school, home, impulsiveness…basically I'd already done the thorough research and knew I had Adult ADD. This was confirmed after a few months of wrangling with T’s, as well as mild depression. After medication and therapy, this has been in remission for nearly a year, with a few bad days sprinkled here and there. The only diagnoses I’ve ever laid eyes on in my records, over 3 ½ years, were ADD, Mood Swings and Adjustment Disorder w/Mixed Anxiety and Depressed Mood. That’s it. Never major depression, so I guess I’m understandably surprised? Or am I overreacting?
Maybe, since in my frame of reference, this is more serious and noted as recurring, it scares me a little. I don’t know why really. I don’t disagree–I fit the criteria. Being honest, this describes exactly what’s happened to me, going back about 11 years. I can count 3 episodes that lasted from a few weeks to a few months. And I noticed a cryptic note in my old military medical records about seeking mental health treatment for “mood disturbance” - in 1979! That would have been just before my first marriage, when I was engaged but separated from my fiancé by military duty at a different base, for maybe 5 months. In hindsight, it makes tons of sense that I needed help: age 19, away from home for the 1st time, engaged but alone, and my mother had just died. Especially when now all therapists (and me) see a clear pattern of extreme reactions to being separated from a loved one for any reason. Sheesh, I don’t even remember the 1979 thing. Weird. Must have resolved quickly.
But, to the point of the post - I’ve been mildly but noticeably depressed for about 2 days now, whereas before I read the letter, I was not having symptoms. They started within 3-4 hours of seeing it, if I think back. Like the power of suggestion or a self-fulfilling prophecy took over? Is that possible? Wonder if deep down I could have internalized something like, “well, if a trained psychologist says it’s so, told others (insurance) it’s so and put it on paper, then it’s so. So act like you’re depressed.” Not to say I feel a sense that I’m acting. Quite the opposite, as I’m actually making a huge effort to ignore (okay, deny) the da*n symptoms. But I’ve been doing well enough for a while, so that I can distinguish these as the feelings I get with “real” depression (as opposed to aftermath of severe insomnia, or monthly hormonal swings, for example) Hard to explain, but this is undoubtedly “actual” depression for me. Cr*p.
I am functioning, but dragging and feeling someone knocked all the wind out of me. No hopelessness, or ideation, or much crying, just an apathetic state where nothing’s worth the effort. It also takes a huge effort to get my face into a smile. Is it okay if this scares me a little? I see my T. tomorrow. Maybe if we talk about it, that could get the symptoms to go away as fast as they arrived? yuk. yuk.
Thanks to anyone who read this far. Sorry I’m such a skittish baby about a piece of paper :-(
PS - Please, to anyone who struggles with depressive illnesses much worse than this, some of you for all your lives, I don’t mean to whine or sound overly dramatic about a diagnosis that many of you have probably been all too familiar with seeing. I admire your courage in fighting back from those dark places over and over again. It’s just not been my experience, and obviously, it’s shaken me up some to read it, then live it out. Yikes.
PPS - I do know it's possible new T. is not totally convinced of this diagnosis, but tweaked things a bit for insurance purposes. I guess I'll ask him about that, too,if I can muster up the energy and recall how to utter a sentence. So tired.
Posted by ghost on February 8, 2005, at 20:46:18
In reply to Saw Diagnosis, Developed Symptoms? :( (very long), posted by 10derHeart on February 8, 2005, at 18:15:31
you should ask if the T just provided that dx for insurance reasons, as you said. i wonder.
i'm not sure about the power of suggestion, but maybe it's because i'm in denial myself...
sorry i don't have more to say. i'm kind of drained right now.
ghost
Posted by 10derHeart on February 8, 2005, at 23:18:43
In reply to Saw Diagnosis, Developed Symptoms? :( (very long), posted by 10derHeart on February 8, 2005, at 18:15:31
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 9, 2005, at 8:31:30
In reply to Saw Diagnosis, Developed Symptoms? :( (very long), posted by 10derHeart on February 8, 2005, at 18:15:31
The power of suggestion is very STRONg with me! I can totally see how this would happen to you. AS a recovering hypochondriac, I absolutely MUST stay away from internet health sites. If I start "symptom surfing," I will soon develop symtoms for all sorts of rare diseases.
At the height of my hypochondria a few years ago, I would read about MS and find new symptoms every day - tingling, speech problems, balance problems. As soon as I read about these symptoms I almost immediately developed them, like within several hours!
SO I think what is happening to you is pretty normal (at least from my standpoint). It's interesting, I as well found out last week for the first time what my diagnosis was when I started therapy - Major Depressive Disorder. This shocked me, really. ANd interestingly enough, since I found this out, my depressive symptoms seem to be flaring up - lack of appetite, weepy, irritability.
It's wierd how we react to labels. Would we be reacting this way if we never knew we had Major Depressive Disorder???
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 9, 2005, at 8:36:31
In reply to Forget How Bad Depressed Feels. Remember Now. :( (nm), posted by 10derHeart on February 8, 2005, at 23:18:43
I went through this a few weeks ago. HAd a pretty bad relapse into my old depressed and anxious ways. And while it's bad when you're going through it, it is also an indicator of how far you have come. I felt HORRIBLE, but was amazed that I hadn't felt like that in over a year.
It is normal to have setbacks. Maybe try to look at your setbacks as a measure of how far you have come. Because inevitably the set backs will get better. And eventually, you will have less setbacks and you will recover more quickly from the setbacks.
Be good to yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a kiss. Be good to yourself.
(((10derheart)))
Posted by 10derHeart on February 10, 2005, at 18:28:39
In reply to Re: Forget How Bad Depressed Feels. Remember Now. :(, posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 9, 2005, at 8:36:31
Miss Honey,
Thanks so much for both your posts. They meant a lot. I always like reading yours and I learn so much when you share things about your own struggles.
T. and I had a pretty good talk about the letter. He ended up apologizing to me. We figured out he did make a bit of an assumption that former T. (who is a pdoc) diagnosed me with major depression last year. He said it certainly seemed reasonable that a psychiatrist would come to that conclusion, perhaps even quicker than he would (he's a PhD.) But, as he flipped back in his notes, he did realize I'd never said that. It was a good experience to observe how he humbled himself after making a bit of an error. It was not a huge deal, because I agree with the diagnosis completely.
He floated a very thought-provoking idea to me, being careful to say he's not saying it's true, but just wondering when it popped into his head. He suggested maybe seeing that diagnosis, made by him (new/current T.), really forced me deep down to further accept the fact old T. is really gone. You know, concrete evidence someone else is deciding things or working with me, and how very real that is, and so different from the dynamic with old T.
It's very possible. This is all likely about old T. anyway, even though at first I didn't see it. I've been weaning myself off frequent emailing with old T., as we speak , and not sharing enough with new T. how awful this feels and how scary it still is to imagine ever losing all contact with him. The combination of that in the background and the insurance letter could have triggered symptoms.
I'm feeling maybe 50% better today. New T. noticed me a little brighter even as we talked- his words - maybe just hashing out possibilities and clearing up misunderstanding "discharged" some of the anxiety underneath the depression. He could be onto something there. I'm still not me, but it comes and goes, and is more manageable.
I loved all you wrote about setbacks and progress, etc. It helped me out A LOT to read your philosophy. Thank you so much. Hopefully, depression will keep fading and I can maintain the energy to post more in the future.
(((Miss Honey))) --- 10der
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