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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 3 to 27 of 27. Go back in thread:
Posted by rayww on July 27, 2005, at 11:01:03
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » annierose, posted by Shortelise on July 27, 2005, at 0:44:24
Maybe that is why I avoid them.
AND, I've never found one that I liked.
AND, when I look at my blessings, I don't really have any problems worth talking about, and I'm afraid I will just look silly. You know - - inventing problems just so I'll have problems. So I try to focus on my blessings, but now it's not working all that great. Because I am so bored. This stroke did away with my drive, and I really don't care, or don't have the ability to care, or something. I don't mean to rant on about myself, but something you said triggered it I guess. I would love to be able to plan and carry out a party on my own, but if it weren't for all my kids chipping in we would never do anything. I'm kind of the lump on the stump, just here looking like I'm busy, but really not.
Posted by happyflower on July 27, 2005, at 12:49:23
In reply to Didn't understand T's questions or comments, posted by annierose on July 26, 2005, at 22:17:54
Hi Annierose!
Mabye she was jeolous she wasn't invited to such a wonderful party !lol :) I am jeolous!
I love throwing parties like that. I love Martha Stewart too, and how creative she can be along with her 200 person staff! It is fun to plan parties, if only you didn't have to clean the whole house too, I would do it more often. I think if you prepare the food yourself and the decorations you can throw an awesome party fairly cheap. It is when you start hiring caterers and stuff, is when it gets expensive. I bet your T was impressed with you! Good Job!
Posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 13:13:50
In reply to Didn't understand T's questions or comments, posted by annierose on July 26, 2005, at 22:17:54
My mama taught me that it was impolite to talk about how much something cost. Ok, she taught me by letting me see people's reactions when she did it, but I learned nevertheless.
I get it a lot regarding my son's school, and I never get to the point where I don't get defensive about it. Because we're not rich. We just really value a good education, and drive old cars etc.... Oh wait. I'm being defensive again. :D
Maybe ShortE was right, and she just doesn't understand. Or maybe she's a bit jealous that she could never pull it off. My therapist actually sounded a bit jealous of me about one particular thing, so I think it's possible.
But whatever her motivation, it doesn't sound therapeutic or polite.
On the other hand, if we didn't forgive them the occasional faux pas, we wouldn't be able to get along with anyone on earth. :)
Posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 14:02:30
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » annierose, posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 13:13:50
I think everyone's reply was helpful, but what I don't understand is the question of
"Why did you throw this party?"Why not!
Why did she keep asking me in different ways. What was she trying to get at or thinking about?
Annierose
Posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 14:06:34
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » annierose, posted by Shortelise on July 27, 2005, at 0:44:24
Thank you ShortE -
Your comments were very helpful to me,
"Here's what I think: your T just doesn't understand it. She is maybe not a person who can ever imagine doing a party from the ground up.
I hate it when my T doesn't get something that's like breathing to me."
That made sense to me. It's easy (relatively) for me. I love filling my house up with happy people having a wonderful time, wondering, "how does she do that?" It makes me feel good.
Annierose
Posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 14:10:23
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments, posted by happyflower on July 27, 2005, at 12:49:23
I did clean the whole house, room by room and that was so theraputic. I smile everytime I open my bathroom cabinets now that they are organized ... so small but makes me happy.
Happy - I did have help! My family is in the food business, so I do have access to help. But I still did all the planning. And my husband and I got to enjoy the company of our neighbors and friends. I haven't thrown a party like this in 4 years, so it was just time to do something.
Thank you for replying. I was happy to see you here. I was hoping you were not mad at me.
Annierose
Posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 14:37:56
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » Dinah, posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 14:02:30
I doubt she meant anything therapeutic by it.
But maybe you could very gently with a smile explain to her that many people enjoy doing things like that, and that while you understand that she may not be one of them, that you hope she can share your pleasure at something *you* enjoy.
(smile)
I need to train my therapist now and again.
Posted by cricket on July 27, 2005, at 14:53:26
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » Dinah, posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 14:02:30
Well, do you think that maybe she was just fascinated by the party?
I'm like that with other's peoples clothes.
I wear nothing but ugly black rags but I am a continual observer of what everyone else wears. Not in a bad way. Just fascinated by different choices of colors and cuts of clothes and different combinations. It's an aesthetic pleasure that I would never allow myself (clothes are to hide, not show off) but I sure do enjoy them on other people.
I mean that's why a lot of people read magazines like Martha Stewart right. There is a vicarious pleasure in looking at beautiful table settings and food.
Maybe your T was just enjoying herself and maybe there was no judgment.
Posted by antigua on July 27, 2005, at 14:59:39
In reply to Didn't understand T's questions or comments, posted by annierose on July 26, 2005, at 22:17:54
I know, tell her you threw the party because she was on vacation! they always like to hear that it's about them...
antigua
Posted by cricket on July 27, 2005, at 15:16:40
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » annierose, posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 13:13:50
>
> I get it a lot regarding my son's school, and I never get to the point where I don't get defensive about it. Because we're not rich. We just really value a good education, and drive old cars etc.... Oh wait. I'm being defensive again. :DYeah, I get that too. I get both the "And how much do you pay for that?" from some and then from the politically correct folks I get the "I believe in PUBLIC education." Oh well, he's a happy kid who actually likes school and that's worth every penny I have.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on July 27, 2005, at 15:38:01
In reply to Didn't understand T's questions or comments, posted by annierose on July 26, 2005, at 22:17:54
Was it possible if she was trying to assess whether this was a sign that you were feeling better or more confident or something like that? I could see her wondering if something had changed emotionally for you.
And BTW...was it? Was the fact that you wanted to have a party like you hadn't had for 4 yrs a good sign for you?
Best,
EE
Posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 15:53:17
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments, posted by Emily Elizabeth on July 27, 2005, at 15:38:01
That's a possible therapeutic reason.
Posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 16:02:03
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments, posted by Emily Elizabeth on July 27, 2005, at 15:38:01
A friend who I confide in did express that same thought, that maybe it was growth. Last summer I had a personal tragedy that resulted in an awful summer. One of the reasons I wanted to do this party this summer, is to say "thank you" to my friends and neighbors who stood by me and "thank goodness" that is behind me. I told her that when she kept asking me the question. But I felt she was fishing for another reply ... some hidden motivation, I'm not sure.
EE, I think you are right. It probably is a good sign emotionally that I was able to welcome all these people into my home.
Thank you for replying.
Annierose
Posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 16:04:49
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » Annierose, posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 14:37:56
I can never think of these things to say when I'm in therapy. I'm trying to focus on a different level, and I'm not as quick as I wish I could be.
I'll try to keep your thought handy tomorrow. I won't bring up this subject again, let's see if she does.
Annierose
Posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 16:16:51
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » Dinah, posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 16:04:49
I think Emily Elizabeth was probably right.
And, well, my comments aren't brilliant or anything. But I do try to convey to my therapist how I'm feeling on a real time basis. Then, if he really meant something therapeutic by what he said, he can explain it. If I wait even a session, he's generally forgotten.
Posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:21
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » Annierose, posted by cricket on July 27, 2005, at 14:53:26
I really like my therapist, and we have known each other for a long time. I do not think of her as judgmental. But once in awhile, she will make a sigh, or a "really?" in a conversation re: money. I grew up in a small home, in a poor area of town, but my parents were successful (they liked the school system). I was and still am comfortable with money.
This entire dialogue has me thinking. I remember a conversation 8 months ago with my T. I was telling her that I wanted to add another weekly session time. I brought it up a couple of times and she never went further with the topic. Finally, I wrote her a note explaining why I wanted the additonal support and gave it to her during the next session. After reading it, she said, "Not a problem, I just thought it was too expensive (something like that). I didn't realize you really wanted to do this."
Sorry to go in a completely different direction.
Thank you for getting me thinking.Annierose
Posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:33
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » Dinah, posted by cricket on July 27, 2005, at 15:16:40
Isn't that annoying? I generally get annoyed, even though at some level I understand.
I have to learn to say nothing though, rather than replying with my lifetime finance story and explanations of why this school is best for my son.
I'll make that a goal.
Posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 16:21:51
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » cricket, posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:21
I don't think it's a completely different direction. It was the first thing that caught my attention.
Do you know anything of your therapist's financial background?
My therapist often drops hints that he wishes he was more financially secure. It makes me feel a bit weird.
Posted by happyflower on July 27, 2005, at 16:26:15
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » happyflower, posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 14:10:23
> I did clean the whole house, room by room and that was so theraputic. I smile everytime I open my bathroom cabinets now that they are organized ... so small but makes me happy.
I too love that feeling, if only the house stayed like that forever! lol Plus it makes you want to have more parties because all the cleaning is done! Like around the holidays, I love it! :)
> Happy - I did have help! My family is in the food business, so I do have access to help. But I still did all the planning. And my husband and I got to enjoy the company of our neighbors and friends. I haven't thrown a party like this in 4 years, so it was just time to do something.It is great to have help! I usually am on my own with the cooking because no one in the family can cook! lol But at least my family helps me clean and organize!
Why in earth would I be mad at you? I have no idea what you are talking about! lol Annie you are a silly girl! :) lol>
> Thank you for replying. I was happy to see you here. I was hoping you were not mad at me.
>
> Annierose
>
Posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 16:50:10
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » Annierose, posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 16:21:51
Dinah -
I do not have any idea re: her financial situation, but I can make some educated guesses. If I knew what her husband did for a living, I could guess a lot better :)
But, I would guess I am better off financially than she is. She is a bright, educated, beautiful, smart woman. (I don't think I have the courage to type my next thought, but I'll try to be gentle). I can't do it ... maybe I'll try to babblemail.
Anyway, my family's business (which I am no longer a part of) is successful. And my parents are in the process of giving the business to the two children who work there. In doing so, they are "buying me out". This has turned ugly, as one can imagine, with my brother who has no conscience, no brain and no heart. My t has been so helpful during these "meetings" that leave me in tears. When this topic first came up, she was very aggressive in her thoughts that I should get every penny I deserved ... get attorneys, etc. That was never my goal. I want to be fair and still have an extended family I can feel semi-comfortable around.
Long story short, when my father suggested meeting again, my T this time, gave completely different advice ... more along the lines of "can you just sit down with your father and come to an agreement ....." Neither approach is working right now. But my husband and I both have jobs and my siblings need me to "sell out" more than I need the money.
I just thought it was interesting how she changed her tune over the course of the year. I often thought she must have read an article on family businesses and second generations, or spoke to someone in a general sort of way. Who knows.
I can't believe how a simple comment has me thinking all these thoughts in so many directions.
Hmmmm ... interesting how the brain works.
Thanks for your comments. They are very helpful.
Annierose
Posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 17:05:38
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » Dinah, posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 16:50:10
Feel free to Babblemail. I'm intrigued now, especially with the "gentle". :)
I suspect that's when you know you're getting the hang of this therapy thing. When one thought can lead to so many others.
Posted by daisym on July 27, 2005, at 23:28:31
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » Dinah, posted by Annierose on July 27, 2005, at 16:50:10
I guess we all take it in the direction we are currently working on...my first hit was that she was fishing to see if you were "showing off" for approval -- like spending money to impress people. But the background on my though process is that a close friend just married into a ton of money and she just put on a lavish party to show us all how huge her house is and her "haul" -- her words, not mine.
Perhaps your therapist threw out the comment about the money to see where you would go with it.
My next thought was "sometimes they are just so...human." :) It is jarring when that happens.
Posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 23:48:16
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » Annierose, posted by daisym on July 27, 2005, at 23:28:31
Sometimes it's nice when they are awfully human.
That one single time my therapist sounded a bit envious of something, well...
It felt a teensy bit good. I mean he sees me at my worst and tends to believe I'm even more "troubled" than I think I am.
To have him feel even for a moment envious felt sort of nice, you know? Like for one moment I wasn't just that "troubled" client of his.
Posted by annierose on July 28, 2005, at 6:59:17
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » Annierose, posted by daisym on July 27, 2005, at 23:28:31
No, it wasn't like that. My party wasn't lavish, just nice ... I set a beautiful table, simple flowers, lots of candles set outside as well as inside (really cool lantern-type in my tree) ... it was a beautiful evening.
I think it was just a quick human reaction. Inside, I thought, "whoa, where did that come from?" but I never say those thoughts (typically). Maybe I should have, it may have lead to an interesting conversation. Already I have learned much just by reading this thread.
Annierose
Posted by annierose on July 28, 2005, at 14:14:48
In reply to Re: Didn't understand T's questions or comments » daisym, posted by annierose on July 28, 2005, at 6:59:17
Just came back from my session. I didn't address the party, nonetheless, it was a great session. Just the dialogue I have had here the past few days really stirred up some thoughts and feelings and I was able to attempt to express them today. My T helped tie it together for me, but as always ... now what?
We talked about digesting the pain of never having parents that could ever see or give their duaghter what she needed, that they are not able. Especially now, she said I probably make them feel uncomfortable, because I see a reality that they try so hard to avoid.
So I'm beginning to see the bigger picture of the dsyfunction family I grew up in ... so lovely. But it feels so good to have someone else see it too!! I'm not the crazy one (well ... just a little bit).
Thanks everyone!
This is the end of the thread.
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