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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on September 21, 2005, at 21:39:28
I just found out that my cousin's husband and son(10) just died in a car accident this morning.
I haven't been close to my cousin as adults, but as kids we played together at her house during family get togethers. I would like to attend the funeral, but I am afraid my mom will show up, and I am scared of her. My T told me I should stay away from her because she is a threat to me and my family's safety. Well in times like this I feel really bad, because I would like to be there, but yet, I don't need any problems.
I left a message for my T to call me tommorrow so I can talk about it or for an appointment. I am wondering what his advice will be. I guess I could send a card to my cousin and one to my aunt and uncle (my dad's side of the family) But it makes me upset, that I have to keep away from the family because of my mom. What would you all do in this situation. I appreciate any replies. Thanks.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 21, 2005, at 21:41:41
In reply to Need some advice, please, posted by happyflower on September 21, 2005, at 21:39:28
((((happyflower)))))
Stuff like that always comes as a bit of a shock...
I don't know about the safety thing...
I'm not so sure what the concern is (what she might do)
Would it help to take someone with you?
Posted by alexandra_k on September 21, 2005, at 21:43:46
In reply to Re: Need some advice, please » happyflower, posted by alexandra_k on September 21, 2005, at 21:41:41
my brothers funeral was hard because it forced our "family" together...
i took a support worker from community mental health with me.
didn't want my mother to hit me up...
to find out where i was living or anything like that
to go off at meit turned out okay.
Posted by happyflower on September 21, 2005, at 21:53:13
In reply to Re: Need some advice, please, posted by alexandra_k on September 21, 2005, at 21:43:46
I am afraid she might try to shoot me or hurt me or abduct my kids. The last time my brother saw her 2 days after my dad died before X-mas, 6 yrs. ago, she put a gun to his head. She is scarey and mental unstable to me. A lot of the family doesn't believe the abuse or how she really is because she seems very normal and nice, but they haven't seen her "dark" side.
Posted by happyflower on September 21, 2005, at 21:53:50
In reply to Re: Need some advice, please, posted by alexandra_k on September 21, 2005, at 21:43:46
Posted by alexandra_k on September 21, 2005, at 22:08:40
In reply to Re: Need some advice, please, posted by happyflower on September 21, 2005, at 21:53:13
> I am afraid she might try to shoot me or hurt me or abduct my kids.
okay. do you have to take your kids with you? it might go better if you take someone (preferably someone daunting looking).
she wouldn't be likely to pull a gun on you in public - would she?
i'd stick close to my support person so as to make sure she can't hit you up by yourself.
and so you can say 'i'm here for (whoever died) and i'd prefer not to talk to you' and your support person can make sure she gets that and moves along...
Posted by B2chica on September 22, 2005, at 9:39:49
In reply to Re: Need some advice, please » happyflower, posted by alexandra_k on September 21, 2005, at 22:08:40
i agree fully with alex.
i think you should go for two reasons 1) because he was your cousin and you cared for him no matter how long ago and i think it's good to go....closure and all.
2)don't let your mother take control her way. (but you MUST put yourself first).Take someone with you. if she is there, don't even make eye contact, don't say a single word to her, except maybe "i don't want you near me right now please leave me alone" let your friend know who she is and what she looks like, and if she does end up hovering or staying near you, you can always leave. remember you Don't Have to talk with her..mother or no, this is for you not her.
i'm hoping that if she is that manipulative she may want a show but it would be one that makes her look good (like over eggagerating mourning at the funeral) not gun to you. (but i don't know your mother) (which by the way you could probably get a restraining order put on her for you and your kids).Definately talk about this with your T and see what's best for you.
good luck.
b2c.
Posted by happyflower on September 22, 2005, at 12:49:31
In reply to Need some advice, please, posted by happyflower on September 21, 2005, at 21:39:28
My T just called back and I talked to him for awhile. He told me to avoid my mother, she is a real threat to me physically and emotionally. He said to have my DH go to the viewing while I stay in the car, and he can check to see if she is there or has been there by looking at the sign in book. If the coast is clear, then I can go in with my DH. He said it is best if my kids don't go in case I do meet up with her. It is my safty and my DH and my kids he is concerned about.
My mom is crazy and has a gun on her because she is a security guard. I can't get an restraining order on her because she hasn't caused physical harm in the last 7 years to me or my family. My lawyer said even threats to kill me aren't good enough proof, even if I have them in writing, in Indiana, there has to be physical harm done. I guess it is harder to get restaining orders now then before.
I am so glad I talked to my T today. He has a way just keep me calm and to think of solutions to help me. I didn't get much sleep last night because I had 3 nightmares of my mom trying to kill me. I am really still scared of her. I hope this isn't going to be a relapes of PTSD. I don't want to go through all of that again. Maybe that is another reason my T wants me to avoid her.
Thanks Alexandra and B2 for your advice, along with my T, I think I will have to think about what to do and how to do it.
Posted by Joslynn on September 22, 2005, at 14:21:43
In reply to Talked to my T today about this, posted by happyflower on September 22, 2005, at 12:49:31
You know, your cousin is probably in such a state of shock, she wouldn't notice in detail who shows up and who doesn't. The safety of you and your family comes first I think. You can always send a nice card with a handwritten note. Her family is gone now, but you and your family are still alive, and protecting them is more important in this case. Your mental health is worth protecting as well. I would avoid it altogether. Send a card and say a prayer instead. Just my .02.
Posted by happyflower on September 22, 2005, at 16:49:37
In reply to Re: Talked to my T today about this, posted by Joslynn on September 22, 2005, at 14:21:43
> You know, your cousin is probably in such a state of shock, she wouldn't notice in detail who shows up and who doesn't. The safety of you and your family comes first I think. You can always send a nice card with a handwritten note. Her family is gone now, but you and your family are still alive, and protecting them is more important in this case. Your mental health is worth protecting as well. I would avoid it altogether. Send a card and say a prayer instead. Just my .02.
Thanks for the advice Joslynn. I think I might try to avoid it all together. It will be a HUGE funeral and viewing since it was a young kid and father in a small town and we have a huge family. It would hard to avoid her once I got there, I might have to wait in a long line just to talk to her. My mind is going in circles about all of this. I feel like I do want to be there, but yet I am afraid of my mother. Life just isn't fair, you know.
As hard as I am trying to heal from the abuse, it seems like you can't avoid all of it, things like this reminds you of it. Some people just suck.
Posted by fairywings on September 23, 2005, at 7:02:34
In reply to Re: Talked to my T today about this » Joslynn, posted by happyflower on September 22, 2005, at 16:49:37
I agree with joslyn and your T on this one happy. it's just not worth risking your health or your sanity over that evil woman. she ruined your life once, please don't take another chance.
a heartfelt letter and flowers to the home would be appreciated. I send something on the 1 yr anniv. too.fw
Posted by happyflower on September 26, 2005, at 2:18:43
In reply to Re: Talked to my T today about this » happyflower, posted by fairywings on September 23, 2005, at 7:02:34
My mom wasn't there and didn't come at all that day. ( I went at 7pm, and it was over at 8pm).
It was one of the biggest churches I have ever seen at least in the US! LOL
Well anyways I had to deal with one person thinking I was my mom and called me her name
( it is okay, I grew up with this since I do look like her).
Then of course I got a few comments on how people are praying for me and her to reunite. (not going to ever happen in this lifetime) I know this sounds cold to some people who don't know my story of abuse, but before you judge me, please read my story in the archives first, okay.Well I didn't make the decision to go until that morning. I really wanted to go, I felt bad for my cousin losing her DH and her 10yr. old son. I haven't seen most of my dad's side of my family since his death about 5 yrs ago. I miss my family, my cousin, aunts, and uncles. I can't run from my mother the rest of my life. She has taken so much from me, and enough is enough. I did take some pepper spray with me, and my DH looked around before I went in.
I feel so much better that I went, I think I would feel bad if I didn't. But I had to prove it to myself that I could in a sense stand up to my mother and not let her possiable presence keep me away from what I thought was the right thing to do. I have come a long ways since Jan. when I was REALLY TERRIFIED of coming in contact with my mother and suffering from PTSD because of it. I am still scared of her, but I think I am able to handle it better. I DID IT!!!!! :)
I can't believe I was brave enough emotionally to do it. But even though I have really felt I was over my PTSD, and that therapy has cured me of it, this was a real test for me to really see how much better I am.
I called and left a message today for my T to call me back so I can schedule an appointment to see him. I really want to thank him for his help and advice on how to handle this situation, and for the fact he has helped me deal with my mom. I feel real good about this. Thanks all for listening to me and your support! :)
Posted by fairywings on September 26, 2005, at 3:02:00
In reply to Went to the viewing last night and I am OK!, posted by happyflower on September 26, 2005, at 2:18:43
Wow, it's amazing to me that you went!
I'm so glad she wasn't there, so glad you didn't have to face her.
How did it feel when someone called you by her evil name? How did you respond?
What do you say when ppl say they're praying for you to reunite? That might be a good topic for therapy? I'd be so tempted to say, "instead of praying for us to reunite, just pray because her soul's going to burn in hell for all of eternity for the years of child abuse and living in terror that me and my brother are still suffereing from." or is that too nice? Sorry, you know how touchy I am about this.
I hope that wasn't uncivil. I care about you happy.
I'm glad you made it! I'm really sorry about your cousin!
fw
Posted by Annierose on September 26, 2005, at 6:25:59
In reply to Went to the viewing last night and I am OK!, posted by happyflower on September 26, 2005, at 2:18:43
That is a huge, GIANT, step!! So proud of you for going and doing what you felt you had to do. It's such a good feeling, even though the circumstances were quite the contrary. Sounds like you handled everything, and good to have your husband's support.
When I get through an emotionally trying event, I too, sometimes leave a message for my T to let her know that I did it and I'm okay.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 26, 2005, at 7:22:20
In reply to Re: Went to the viewing last night and I am OK! » happyflower, posted by Annierose on September 26, 2005, at 6:25:59
Wow, I don't know what to say other than, I'm in awe!
I'm so glad it worked out. You must feel so good about yourself, and also so relieved.
Take care
gg
Posted by Tamar on September 26, 2005, at 8:00:39
In reply to Went to the viewing last night and I am OK!, posted by happyflower on September 26, 2005, at 2:18:43
You were so brave to go! Well done you. I'm glad your mom wasn't there, but I'm even more glad you went. It sounds as if you've made huge progress!Tamar
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