![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sleepygirl on December 7, 2005, at 19:15:02
I went to therapy and I talked about how I wished my fiance were different, and about how distant he is. :-( How can I be critical of him? This doesn't feel good at all, not one bit. How can I hold his limitations against him? We're just not so close. I think that might be OK.
Posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 19:25:06
In reply to I am not a nice person :-(, posted by sleepygirl on December 7, 2005, at 19:15:02
> I went to therapy and I talked about how I wished my fiance were different, and about how distant he is. :-( How can I be critical of him? This doesn't feel good at all, not one bit. How can I hold his limitations against him? We're just not so close. I think that might be OK.
If you can't criticize your finace in therapy, where can you criticize him?
Can you live your life with someone you're not very close to?
Everyone has limitations or flaws. The important thing is whether you can live with them. My husband is always late. Often extremely late. For everything. I can live with that (most of the time). My brother is extremely untidy and never ever does any housework. Apparently his wife can live with that; I couldn't. I need a partner who is prepared to do some laundry and vacuuming. I don't care so much if he's late.
You *are* a nice person. And part of the work of therapy is figuring out what you need in life. If it turns out you decide your finace isn't right for you, it's better to make that decision before you get married than afterwards (IMHO). Because you probably can't change him.
Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes we fall in love with people we can't live with. It doesn't make us bad. Or maybe you *can* live with him but you need a little help getting used to the idea. That's fine too. It would be worse if you said nothing about the problems and allowed the resentment to eat away at you for the next 20 years...
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on December 7, 2005, at 19:33:25
In reply to I am not a nice person :-(, posted by sleepygirl on December 7, 2005, at 19:15:02
I think I'm nicer to my husband because I can gripe about him to my therapist. :)
You're not close to your fiance?
Posted by fairywings on December 8, 2005, at 12:34:09
In reply to I am not a nice person :-(, posted by sleepygirl on December 7, 2005, at 19:15:02
Just because you question your relationship doesn't mean you're not nice! I think it's good that you're questioning your feelings in therapy before you get married. Once you're married you might very much long to have closeness and intimacy. Does your T offer support, advice, anything?
fw
Posted by Shortelise on December 8, 2005, at 13:18:40
In reply to I am not a nice person :-(, posted by sleepygirl on December 7, 2005, at 19:15:02
I don't know if you are nice or not.
I think I am, most of the time. But there are times when I am not nice. It's a facet of me that Iw ould prefer to flsuh down the toilet, but who can be nice all the time? Sometimes I feel bitchy, sometimes I just am not nice.
Dammit, I think it's ok. I think it's ok to talk about things I dont' like and be honest that I don't like them - be it about my husband or my best friend, or my neighbour. There are things about my husband I don't like. There are things about myself I don't like. Maybe it isn't nice to feel that way, but I do, and I reserve the right to talk about it.
The world from my point of view!
(((sleepygirl)))
ShortE
Posted by sleepygirl on December 8, 2005, at 19:14:40
In reply to I am not a nice person :-(, posted by sleepygirl on December 7, 2005, at 19:15:02
My T is trying to help me realize that my fiance does not have the same way of communicating his feelings - that he'd just rather not deal with any anxiety, so he never has to risk anything. So, there goes the passion, but I like the calm I have to say, the stability, the presence. My fiance does not seem terribly reflective about anything (the earth goes round the sun and who cares how or why). I however, question most things. Do I need to? I don't know. Can I live a life without any passion or risks? maybe/maybe not
Most days I think that nice and even is nice enough.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 9, 2005, at 7:12:58
In reply to I am not a nice person :-(, posted by sleepygirl on December 7, 2005, at 19:15:02
I think that's what therapy is for to some extent. It's a safe place to share your feelings, whatever they are.
I think you're very nice. :)
gg
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.