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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cubic_me on December 9, 2005, at 8:30:55
I don't really know where this belongs, so feel free to move it if it's in the wrong place.
As part of my medical training (in the UK) I'm spending some time at mental health inpatient units and out in the comunity with mental health nurses and psychiatrists. Some of the home visits I've been on have been with the crisis team (who are the step between care in the community and inpatient - they visit every day).
The thing I'm finding difficult is that some of the patients seem more well than me, but just don't function as well. I can get up to do the things I have to do (although it takes a lot of effort), I eat ok and appear 'normal' in public even though I can't stop thinking about jumping out of the window wherever I am, it's hard to keep suicide out of my mind even though I need to be worse than this to act on the thoughts. I just feel so horrible inside all the time.
I suppose it's hard seeing that lots of people feel similar (or not as bad?) and get so much more support. I had an outpatient appointment every 3 months with a different psychiatrist every time and now my therapist said she can't help me any more so I'm on a long waiting list for another.
I'm sure part of it is because I'm not forceful enough, I hate imposing on other people and it took a lot of courage to go to the doctor in the first place. Then to get rubbish care just reinforces that no-one will be there for me because they never have.
Posted by Tamar on December 9, 2005, at 8:58:45
In reply to Levels of depression, posted by cubic_me on December 9, 2005, at 8:30:55
I think that’s a really good question. Perhaps different geographical areas have different provisions for mental health? Or do you live in the same community as these patients? It must be distressing to see people getting something you would benefit from but (for whatever reason) haven’t been offered.
I suspect that inability to function is probably one of the criteria for getting more support. If you are able to continue working (or training) then it may seem as if you are less unwell than patients who can’t hold down a job.
However, if you believe your ability to continue working is seriously at risk, you might get more help. And although speaking up is difficult, I found I got used to it… if you need more support, probably asking for it is the only way to get it.
It might also be a matter of diagnosis. As far as I can tell, it’s more difficult to get help if your diagnosis is borderline personality disorder than if it’s major depressive disorder. I think that’s a terrible state of affairs but an unfortunate reality.
I’m sorry to hear that your therapist says she can’t help you any more. How long will you have to wait to see someone else? Is your GP any good? Sometimes they can provide a lot of support, but you have to find someone who understands mental illness. If your GP isn’t very helpful, can you change?
I do hope you get what you need; it’s horrible to have to live with constant thoughts of suicide.
Tamar
Posted by cubic_me on December 9, 2005, at 9:23:33
In reply to Re: Levels of depression (***triggers***) » cubic_me, posted by Tamar on December 9, 2005, at 8:58:45
So sorry for not putting the trigger warning, I usually do but when I started the post (and wrote the title) I wasn't planning to write anything triggering!
I'm in a similar area to the one I'm working in, but not the same, however I know they have similar services. My diagnosis is dysthymia with major depressive episodes. I know that because I function ok I don't get priority on these types of services, but that just makes me wonder why I bother functioning because it is so so hard.
I don't feel that I need a crisis team or community nurse, but seeing these people makes me realise that I maybe should have been offered a little more support than 3 monthly appointments. I go to a big GP pracice and tend to go to a different one each time (because I wrongly think that one GP would hate to be stuck with me), I haven't found one I particularly like, though none of them are that bad. I desparately want to avoid going back to the psychiatrists I was seeing but their group is the only one in my area.
I don't know how long the T waiting list is, probably a few months but I haven't been told.
Posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 10:14:18
In reply to Levels of depression, posted by cubic_me on December 9, 2005, at 8:30:55
Hi cubic,
It's really scary to me that you feel so horrible, and can't tell people you need help, esp. since the suicidal thoughts are with you so much. I know it's really common not to be able to ask for help, I"m the same way, but it sounds like somehow you need to communicate the urgency to someone who can get you the meds and therapy you need.
Being on a long list for a therapist is not good. And, I'd guess seeing people getting good care, while you feel so bad could make you feel worse. Is there anyone there you can talk to? Someone you can lean on?
(((hugs)))
fw
Posted by B2chica on December 9, 2005, at 11:13:40
In reply to Levels of depression, posted by cubic_me on December 9, 2005, at 8:30:55
hello dear. you don't sound to hot. i haven't talked to you in a while. i'm not sure how i can help. but please, please use your coping skills when those nasty S. thoughts fill your mind. picture me. long dark hair, dark brown eyes, a grimicing smile and the biggest arms you can imaging holding you safely tight. i'll be helping you fight off those dark thoughts.
please take care of yourself. go for some icecream. maybe some hot cocoa, or soothing tea.
remember, if you can't think of anyone else, there is one person who has grown to love and care for cubic me.
uh...that would be me.. ;^)seriously though. please be gentle with yourself. btw are you on any meds?
b2c.
Posted by cubic_me on December 9, 2005, at 11:16:58
In reply to Re: Levels of depression » cubic_me, posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 10:14:18
Thankyou FW. I might end up going back to my GPs, though I can't see it being any different to before. The psychiatrist said the only thing left to try was lithium and I don't want to go on that unless I absolutely have to. I also don't want my suicide attempt (a couple of years ago) to go on my record. I know it would probably increase the support I'm getting but with the line of work I want to go into I can't risk it messing up my chances of employment. Even though it feels like I could kill myself I know from past episodes that I can sit at this level for months without acting one the feelings so waiting a little would just feel bad, it wouldn't be risky.
>>Is there anyone there you can talk to? Someone you can lean on?
My boyfriend has been really helpful in the past as someone to talk to and look out for me but he's getting a bit fed up with it now. He seems so happy when I'm ok, but when I'm not feeling great he just looks suprised because I appear ok and doesn't like it that I can hide my feelings from him so easily. I don't really talk about it otherwise, except online.
Posted by cubic_me on December 9, 2005, at 11:24:06
In reply to ((((((((((cubic me)))))))))))), posted by B2chica on December 9, 2005, at 11:13:40
You always make me smile B2C :) I'm trying my best to be positive. I've got a full weekend ahead (going to stay with my boyfriend's parents and meeting friends) which should keep me going even if it's hard.
I'm not on any meds at the moment, I was on Effexor for 2 years (combined with other things over that time) and I didn't feel it was doing anything, I would still get times like this. I've been off it about 3 or 4 months and off a therapeutic dose for longer than that.
Posted by B2chica on December 9, 2005, at 11:35:57
In reply to Re: ((((((((((cubic me)))))))))))), posted by cubic_me on December 9, 2005, at 11:24:06
i can understand your not wanting to go on lithium, maybe you could get a second opinion of meds from another doc? i'm sure there are other combos you could use. i'm actually on three things to help my dpression (450 wellbutrin, 100 zoloft, and 20LA ritalin) sometimes an ssri helps add to regular ADs, sometimes the AD just poops out.
and i think i need to mention that you really have to keep in mind what's more important. is the risk of speaking out about your issues, what maybe your 'ideal' job may do to you? maybe the work you are doing is exacerbating your depression?
please, please don't act on your feelings. i won't if you won't.
i'm glad your bfriend has been good, but i'm sure he can add some stress to your mountain. my hubby's same way, he just never understood how i could be so sad and he not know it. for years he never knew.i am SO glad i can put even a slight smile on that beautiful face of yours.
i wish you the best for this weekend...let us know how it goes.Please Please take care of my sweet little cubic_me.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
b2c.
Posted by cubic_me on December 10, 2005, at 13:54:24
In reply to Re: ((((((((((cubic me)))))))))))) » cubic_me, posted by B2chica on December 9, 2005, at 11:35:57
>> i can understand your not wanting to go on lithium, maybe you could get a second opinion of meds from another doc? i'm sure there are other combos you could use. i'm actually on three things to help my dpression (450 wellbutrin, 100 zoloft, and 20LA ritalin) sometimes an ssri helps add to regular ADs, sometimes the AD just poops out.
If I feel like this for much longer then I will go back to my GP to see what we can work out. Last time I said that I would like to be re-refered to another pdoc she said it wasn't possible as they only refer to this particular team and if I had a problem I had to take it up with my pdoc. I didn't have enough confidence to bring it up with him (especially as he is one of the tutors I could have been allocated to this year), so I just didn't go back and got repeats from my GP until I realised the meds weren't doing anything and came off them slowly.
> > and i think i need to mention that you really have to keep in mind what's more important. is the risk of speaking out about your issues, what maybe your 'ideal' job may do to you? maybe the work you are doing is exacerbating your depression?
This really is something I have to think about. Now I'm just wishing I'd got fully 'sorted out' last time and not have to go through it again. I ideally want to go into criminal profiling or forensic psychiatry, so this would affect me less than what I am doing now (and even less so if I wasn't depressed at the present). I don't really know how much medical history (including mental) is taken into account when choosing people for jobs in the fields I want to go into - it's something I ought to look into.
In another way it has almost helped me because I won't make an attempt on my life in my own area unless I am absolutely sure to die as I'll be taken to an ER where I know people or will have to go on placement.
>
> please, please don't act on your feelings. i won't if you won't.I definately won't at the moment. I can't garuntee anything for the future though.
> i'm glad your bfriend has been good, but i'm sure he can add some stress to your mountain. my hubby's same way, he just never understood how i could be so sad and he not know it. for years he never knew.
> i am SO glad i can put even a slight smile on that beautiful face of yours.
> i wish you the best for this weekend...let us know how it goes.
>It's not going great at the moment (my boyfriend's coat got stolen while we were having lunch in a restaurant, it had his train ticket and my car stereo in it :( and I got a bit freaked out by all the people out shopping when I couldn't concentrate and everything was all blurry). Things can only get better though. We are going ice skating tomorrow.
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 14:36:53
In reply to Re: ((((((((((cubic me)))))))))))) » B2chica, posted by cubic_me on December 10, 2005, at 13:54:24
> If I feel like this for much longer then I will go back to my GP to see what we can work out. Last time I said that I would like to be re-refered to another pdoc she said it wasn't possible as they only refer to this particular team and if I had a problem I had to take it up with my pdoc. I didn't have enough confidence to bring it up with him (especially as he is one of the tutors I could have been allocated to this year), so I just didn't go back and got repeats from my GP until I realised the meds weren't doing anything and came off them slowly.
-maybe they can't refer you but i'd just open the phone book and take out a few names i'd like. worth a shot anyway.good luck if you do
> ... I don't really know how much medical history (including mental) is taken into account when choosing people for jobs in the fields I want to go into - it's something I ought to look into.did you ever read kay jamisons book? she mentions the same concern on a job interview, she finally told the head guy and he said, if we fired you we'd have to fire half our medical staff...
there are more people out there is mental health issues than you think....course there's always the one bugar out there...
> In another way it has almost helped me because I won't make an attempt on my life in my own area unless I am absolutely sure to die as I'll be taken to an ER where I know people or will have to go on placement.GOOD!
> I definately won't at the moment. I can't garuntee anything for the future though.i won't ask for future...just right now, as you can. take it slow...
> It's not going great at the moment (my boyfriend's coat got stolen while we were having lunch in a restaurant, it had his train ticket and my car stereo in it :( and I got a bit freaked out by all the people out shopping when I couldn't concentrate and everything was all blurry). Things can only get better though. We are going ice skating tomorrow.man that bites, so sorry your stuff got stolen. and i let my hubby do all the shopping this year, can't stand being around crowds right now (or ever)
oh.....i love ice skating. have fun for me would you?good to hear from you. hope you feel better this week.
b2c.
Posted by cubic_me on December 14, 2005, at 12:25:54
In reply to Re: ((((((((((cubic me)))))))))))) » cubic_me, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 14:36:53
> -maybe they can't refer you but i'd just open the phone book and take out a few names i'd like. worth a shot anyway.good luck if you do
We can't do that here in the UK within the NHS. As a student I don't have private health insurance (as I can get seen through the NHS), so can't choose who I go to. I've made an appointement with a GP for Friday - if they seem nice I'll discuss options with them, otherwise I'll just show them my eczema to get some cream for it! (and possibly go again to a different GP in the new year)
>
> did you ever read kay jamisons book? she mentions the same concern on a job interview, she finally told the head guy and he said, if we fired you we'd have to fire half our medical staff...
> there are more people out there is mental health issues than you think....course there's always the one bugar out there...I know this objectively, but it's still there at the back of my mind. Also all my collegues will be able to access my medical history if they were minded to, which puts me off a bit. My housemate has already read my file when she was on placement where I saw my psychiatrist. I'm a private person, only a couple of close friends know what is going on with me and I want it to stay that way if possible.
Thanks for listening b2c, I know you have a lot of your own stuff on your plate at the moment x
Posted by B2chica on December 14, 2005, at 13:25:48
In reply to Re: ((((((((((cubic me)))))))))))) » B2chica, posted by cubic_me on December 14, 2005, at 12:25:54
DANG IT!! i had a good post and the browser monster ate it!
ok, i think it went something like this.
MAN!!! that really bites about your records, i wish we really could rely on others with the 'honors system'. i understand your privacy, only a few know what's up with me, and about the really secret stuff only my T knows.
i understand about not being able to pick your own pdoc or gp, i guess that leaves it up to luck huh. well i'll be sending you good luck vibes so you get a good guy.about me, it's nice to think about others when i got all this going in my mind. makes for a nice 'getaway'.
sending you good vibes cm >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
b2c
Posted by cubic_me on December 16, 2005, at 14:12:49
In reply to Re: ((((((((((cubic me)))))))))))) » cubic_me, posted by B2chica on December 9, 2005, at 11:35:57
I went to the GP today. I don't have a regular one since mine went on maternity leave, so I saw another at the practice. He said that I didn't look depressed and seemed to be functioning ok so he doesn't think I should go on meds (not that he wouldn't prescribe them if I wanted them, but he was strongly against it). He said I hadn't been off the venlafaxine long enough yet to stabilise and should wait 6-12 months and see how I am then.
I feel pretty let down. I stopped going to see the pdoc because he didn't listen and now I'm back there again. Perhaps I shouldn't have had a shower this morning to 'look' more depressed, but it's in my nature to hide it. Everything public that I have to do is done (work, a bit of socialising, smiling etc) unless I am absolutely at the edge. I often function while thinking of suicide 24/7, although luckily I'm not that bad at the moment.
He said to come back in January if I was feeling 'a lot worse'. If I felt 'a lot' worse I might not be here.
Posted by B2chica on December 19, 2005, at 8:54:29
In reply to Re b2c » B2chica, posted by cubic_me on December 16, 2005, at 14:12:49
wait 6-12 MONTHS!!!!
that's rediculous!if you don't have anyone else to go to i would do your best to wait a few weeks and go back in january. maybe tell him then that you DO feel worse, tell him all your symptoms and tell him what you said in your post, that you do your best to hide it but you are suicidal, that you have many thoughts of acting on suicidal thoughts. if he doesn't do anything then he aught to be locked up himself!!
SOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry you've had this type of experience. i can't believe he told you you don't "look" depressed... how does a depressed person 'look'??
besides, your's isn't chronic depression, your is major depressive disorder, doesn't he know the difference? you have suicidal thoughts! you're a self-injurer, isn't that enough for him??
does he need to walk in with a gun to your head? what is he looking for..
i'm sorry for this rant but i am really peeved.
i am so sorry you got this 'guy'.but please, call a hotline, head to the hospital ANYTHING before you even think about trying to act on your impulses, email me!
try to hold out a couple weeks. definately go see him again in january.((((((((((((((((((((((((cubic me))))))))))))))))))))))))
b2c.
Posted by muffled on December 19, 2005, at 10:20:53
In reply to Re: ((((((((((cubic me)))))))))))) » B2chica, posted by cubic_me on December 14, 2005, at 12:25:54
Hang on! Keep trying. Never give up.
This is the end of the thread.
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