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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 19:28:06
I was all set to cancel T3 by phone, explaining that now doesn't seem like a very opportune time to work on my sexual issues. Both my husband and I have so very much going on right now that neither of us is in much of a mood to work on it.
I decided not to cancel by phone, because I didn't want to be rude. But I wasn't quite sure what to do after I told her I didn't want to pursue sex therapy right now, but could I contact her later when my life settles down if I'm still in the city. I finally decided to use the extra time to get a consultation about my relationship with my therapist.
Well, wonder of wonders, that was the first thing she focused on, without my even saying anything to her about sex therapy first.
She wanted to know what I was working on in therapy right now, and that went into a discussion of my therapy in general, what I've accomplished, how I continue to use therapy, etc. And my extreme ambivilance about my attachment to my therapist, how it's been weakened since he partially abandoned me after Katrina, and how I waver between being glad about that and wanting to maintain the distance so I won't be hurt again and wanting to reconnect. And I told her I didn't know the right thing to do.
She said that if I reconnected in a new way, with less dependence on him, and always keeping in mind that I couldn't really rely on him when push came to shove, I needed to rely on myself, then she thought the relationship could continue to be a valuable one. That I needed to reconnect with the knowledge always that therapy would end. But that if I was trying to move backwards and reconnect the way I have in the past, to crawl back into the womb, then it might be better to take this opportunity to move on.
She understood that now might not be a good time to pursue sex therapy, but she extended the possibility of seeing me occasionally to build up a relationship. Only with my therapist's knowledge and approval, and she'd need to talk to him. But that if he thought it might be a good idea because of his own situation for me to have another relationship with a therapist already started, then she'd be willing to do that.
I'll of course talk to him about this. But... What will I do if he says yes, he thinks that's a good idea. Isn't that the same as announcing an intent to terminate? And once he announces an intent to terminate, I consider therapy over.
So.... I'm glad I went today. I did get a sort of consultation about my therapy relationship. I was pretty honest with her both about myself and about my relationship with my therapist. I hadn't been really honest with her before, I think. And she wasn't disapproving or anything. Really, she seemed sort of nice.
Anyway, it was nice to get an outside perspective.
And since it was what I wanted to do anyway, it's kind of strange that that was her topic du jour. :)
As it stands now, I can call her if I want, but we didn't schedule any future meetings. Which was also what I wanted. To part on good terms with a door open.
But she reminded me that I *did* live through what was essentially an abandonment/termination once and that I could do it again if needed. Even if it means lots of medication.
Posted by jammerlich on January 3, 2006, at 20:44:21
In reply to T3 - What a weird coincidence., posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 19:28:06
Wow, Dinah. She was so on the ball it's almost scary! It kind of makes me have really good feelings about her - cautiously optimistic, I guess. And it was really nice of her to be willing to start building a relationship with you. She seems to be very much in tune with what you need. Or maybe today was just a really "on" day for her. What do you think?
I'm not so sure that your T thinking this is a good idea is the equivalent of him admitting that he's going to terminate with you. I think it would only be an admission that so much is still up in the air for so very many people. It would just be a Plan B or insurance policy, of sorts. He'd virtually promised you forever therapy and then you both got a huge dose of the very ugly reality that so much is out of your control. I think his agreement would just mean that he wants to be sure you're well cared for in case the unexpected happens - whatever form it may take. IF you think you could like this woman, I think it sounds like a promising idea.
What did you think of her connecting in a new way idea? I'm not so sure how I feel about it. I think I see it as the equivalent of maintaining distance to prevent the pain. But I may have some really screwed up thinking there because I've been thinking the same things in mulling over whether or not to ask my old T if I can come back. Sometimes it feels very wreckless and dangerous, doesn't it?
Whether you believe it or not, you are very brave, Dinah.
Posted by fallsfall on January 3, 2006, at 21:57:43
In reply to T3 - What a weird coincidence., posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 19:28:06
Very interesting.
Weren't you the one who wanted to have a backup Therapist for when yours was out of town or on vacation? And your therapist said no? And you wanted him to say yes? That's what this sounds like to me. And it sounds prudent.
I hope he says yes.
Posted by annierose on January 3, 2006, at 22:02:50
In reply to T3 - What a weird coincidence., posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 19:28:06
I'm glad you went to your session too. It's a hard conversation to have in person, and you are very brave and mature to have gone. Better yet, it sounded like a great session. This T seems very smart. From things you have mentioned about her, she reminds me of my daughter's T. Not the most warm person in the world, but very smart and tuned in and "gets it".
I do like her views regarding your T and your current relationship. To me, she is talking about growth, something I know you say you are frightened of, but yet, you are growing and becoming stronger. And she's right, you did get through Katrina and it's continuing aftermath essentially without your T. YOU did it. YOU!
And just because your T is okay with you maintaining a non-continuous relationship with T3, it doesn't mean he wants to or will terminate you. I think he would be saying that building up a support network, especially because I don't practice near you, is a good idea. Plan B.
I like your idea consulting with T3 re:T1. Even though she had the same agenda, it's a sound idea.
I would like a session like that once in awhile too.Leaving an open door --- all good. Double pats on your back.
Posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 22:35:01
In reply to Re: T3 - What a weird coincidence. » Dinah, posted by annierose on January 3, 2006, at 22:02:50
I'm not altogether sure what I *think* yet, never mind what I *feel*.
I know she can't play the same role as my therapist. She's a different sort of therapist, less warm more challenging. I'm not sure that environment can provide me with the feeling of safety I need to really express myself emotionally.
I did like that she didn't freak out from what I told her.
But she's been very negative in describing my more emotional characteristics, and I think that's a bias on her part toward rationality that I am not sure will fit well with a safe environment for emotions.
If my rational side needed a therapist, I'm sure she'd do quite well. But my rational side doesn't really need a therapist.
Still, the insight into my therapeutic relationship was useful. I've been very circumspect before this in mentioning my other therapy, so I've never really gotten input on it.
I think she sees the relationship as having given me a lot over the years. But I also got the impression that she was mildly disapproving of the dependent aspect of it.
I won't know what I feel about it until tomorrow, at the earliest. Maybe not even then.
Posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 22:46:31
In reply to Re: T3 - What a weird coincidence., posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 22:35:01
She said the fact that he *did* leave, that he *did* abandon me, that I was let down when I relied on him was part of my history now, and that I couldn't undo that. That's why things could never go back to what they were, and that's why things *shouldn't* go back to what they were.
But I don't know. My emotional self is pretty good at forgetting what I don't want to remember. I think if I don't leave and he does come back (both big ifs) I could easily forget this ever happened.
Posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 23:04:41
In reply to Re: T3 - What a weird coincidence., posted by Dinah on January 3, 2006, at 22:46:31
Hmmm... That sounded wrong. She didn't imply that he did anything bad or wrong in what he did. Just that the situation did lead to my effectively being abandoned.
I have to admit that sometimes it runs through my mind, the evening I called him in hysterics, close to running away from home or sleeping in my car. And he put me off because he said he wasn't in a position where he could talk to me privately. Told me that we could talk about it the next day when he could see me. And then shortly thereafter he left town for six weeks. I try not to blame him for any of that. I really do. I don't want to blame him for it. I know he wasnt' being unreasonable, that he had problems of his own, that he didn't have time to talk to me.
Then I remember the postpartum days when my suicidal urges frightened me. And how he didn't have time to talk to me then either. How I'd sit by the phone at the appointed time, and arrange to have my son watched by my husband, only to have my therapist call and say he really couldn't talk but he wanted to check in.
I don't know.
This is the end of the thread.
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