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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 0:46:36
I've written some really harsh stuff the past week. I had a very bad interaction with my dad last Thursday night that sent me into a tail spin. He was such a jerk and so amazingly crude -- still treating me like a sex object after all these years. Only this time the implications were around what my husband wanted and needed and how I should be giving it to him. Unsolicited advice on my marriage and sex life from a drunk man was not what I needed. Old, old feelings surfaced and I was a suicidal wreck. Months ago in therapy I wrote a letter to myself called "Read This First." It was all the reasons not to take my own life in the midst of a crisis. I pulled it out and wrote a reply to everything I had listed, a counter reason to cut each thread that held me to this life. The only thread that refused to be cut was the promise to my therapist to call him first.
It took a little while but my therapist did push me out of that numb "I'm done" place. He helped me cry and begin to write out the rage. (I felt bad - he called to check on me Friday morning early and I didn't see that I had a message until almost noon. By then he was worried and called my office...) We've spent all week on those writings, reading them out loud, feeling the anger, the outrage and the sadness. They are really scary and yet we keep rereading them. The first time I read it to my therapist he said, "My God, the anguish and anger just radiate off the page." So I apologized for being so graphic and so blunt -- and he said I should do more of that! (Go figure.)
He wants me to work on standing up for myself and my younger parts, because I really wanted to hang up on my dad. I just couldn't. I was frozen, trapped in an old response, feeling 9 years old again. This is the same response that comes over me in certain sexual situations -- I freeze and lose hold of the adult me -- and end up feeling abused again -- or I dissociate completely. I often do this when faced with my husband's anger too. Today we practiced hanging on to the adult more but he said little daisy is going to have to get stronger to stand up for herself when the adult just can't stay in the room. I don't know how to help her do that. She still wants him to rescue her - or more truthfully, she is waiting for her mother to come. He said today he will do everything he can but she has to do the hard work -- he can only support and guide her. But he was very gentle even as he was being firm about what she needed to do to protect herself. The hardest concept for me to believe is that even if it is an accident, anyone hurting you, physically or emotionally, still needs to be told that they are hurting you and that they have to stop. And my therapist said even if you are told it "shouldn't" hurt, if it does, then you can say "no, I don't like that."
It sounds simple. But these are terrifying concepts for all the younger parts of me. I looked at him intently, searching for any wavering, waiting to hear the "except when" part of all of this. But he was so sure that if it was scary, or painful or triggering, that I needed to say "I don't want to" and protect myself from more hurt.
Tomorrow he wants me to bring and read my letter to myself (Read This First) and my responses. He said these suicidal response are in part anger turned inward that we need to look at. He seems to think if I can turn the anger outward, I can use it to help me stand up for myself and my younger parts. And then we can stand up (symbolically) as we explore old memories. Which is a really terrifying concept. I was very glad he said "we" a lot today.
He has been firm and pushy this week. So how come all the younger parts are up and missing him so much tonight?
Posted by Dinah on January 19, 2006, at 1:57:05
In reply to Protecting the younger parts (long, triggers), posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 0:46:36
Because firm and pushy can feel very safe?
I'm so sorry, Daisy. Given the circumstances, your father's behavior was inexcusible. I'm glad your therapist is making it feel ok for you to draw some boundaries.
Posted by annierose on January 19, 2006, at 6:25:24
In reply to Protecting the younger parts (long, triggers), posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 0:46:36
It is hard to let someone you love know that they have hurt your feelings. Maybe it's because we don't want to accept the possiblity that they could do so knowingly. But I suspect, it's often unintentional. (I'm not referring to your childhood here, your father had to know how damaging his behavior was).
I think your T is also teaching you about setting personal boundaries. In some ways, I see us as working on the same issues from opposite poles. I build walls around me, "Don't get near me or I'll bite." My fort is supposed to protect me from pain. My wall is a misguided attempt to shield me. At the end of the day, all those painful feelings surface and I don't know what to do with them.
I see you taken in everyone's pain around you, you have so much compassion, empathy and understanding. Now, you need to direct all your kindness inside, loving yourself. And I think your T wants you to first acknowledge the anger that comes with absoring so much pain, and then (the dreaded word that I don't really know how to do) --- PROCESS the anger/pain/hurt --- by naming it, talking about it, working it through with him.
I hope you feel his warmth and compassion. Your T is almost as wonderful as you.
I can't believe your father called and you endured that conversation. I would have hung up on "hello".
You are so brave. I think you are missing your T because you feel such a genuine connection of love, warmth and understanding from him. Who wouldn't miss that?
Posted by fallsfall on January 19, 2006, at 7:37:30
In reply to Protecting the younger parts (long, triggers), posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 0:46:36
Because they recognize that he is teaching you how to rescue yourself - and they want that.
You are doing such hard work. And you really are making progress. I know that each step is very, very hard.
Trust your therapist, even when every cell in your body is screaming "No, this isn't safe!".
(((((...Daisy)))))...
Posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 12:01:16
In reply to Protecting the younger parts (long, triggers), posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 0:46:36
Thank you for the encouragement and support but in the light of day I can see that the above post was written from a really young and confused side - it sounds so wounded and needy. Ick. Not that the facts are wrong, just that underlying tone of poor me and a sort of "tell me he is right" that comes through. ick, ick.
This is all so painful and hard and I'm so tired of it. We need a fun thread.
Thanks again for always being here guys.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 19, 2006, at 12:52:34
In reply to Ignore the Above post, posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 12:01:16
That part and those questions shouldn't be ignored. They need validating, too. It's okay and acceptable to feel what you do.
(((((((all of daisy)))))))))
gg
Posted by annierose on January 19, 2006, at 13:45:06
In reply to Ignore the Above post, posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 12:01:16
I don't think we are here just for fun. We are here to support ALL of YOU, especially those younger and wounded parts. Nothing about your post was icky ... although I know how you feel. It's a word I use often to describe this therapy business.
Yes, it is painful and hard. But I really want to help you. You have been so helpful to me. As our T's will say, naming these feelings, putting words to them, help us (at least that is what they say). It's okay that your T is right and you doubt that. Trust is a hard concept. I think I'm only on the first chapter.
Posted by Dinah on January 19, 2006, at 19:51:35
In reply to Ignore the Above post, posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 12:01:16
I know we can sometimes be embarassed by aspects or parts of ourselves who behave in ways we wouldn't normally behave. But that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the behavior. It's just different and doesn't feel much like how we normally see ourselves.
There was nothing wrong with your post, or with being wounded and needy. Aside that it's a shame that anyone would have experienced things that left them wounded.
Acceptance of all aspects of ourselves is hard. And I certainly don't always do it. But I think in the long run it is in *my* best interest to accept all of my feelings, and my behaviors as long as they aren't grossly inappropriate in context. Yours certainly weren't.
Posted by littleone on January 19, 2006, at 20:51:58
In reply to Protecting the younger parts (long, triggers), posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 0:46:36
Thank you for sharing daisy.
Since Christmas I've been expecting my dad to call me and when he does I'm supposed to tell him to leave me alone until otherwise advised and I will call him when I want to restart contact.
It is very scary for me. I can't stand up to him. Whenever I see/talk to him, I fall into feeling young again which entails meekness, quietness, obediance and doing whatever I can to avoid angering him. I can't think about things, I'm just on a young autopilot.
My T has written a script for me to use. So when my dad calls I have to get my script and read it out to him. I'm supposed to do it without cutting off inside, but I don't think I will be able to do that. However, the good thing is that no matter how old I feel or how cut off I get, I just have to read the script and that's it. It even has another line or two in it to handle any questions dad might throw at me.
Anyway, I wondered if you and your T could work something out like that for when you next hear from your dad. It could be one form of protection for your younger parts when no part of you wants to stand up and protect.
I'm not sure if you're able to cut off inside to get things done or not. If you can't, this would still be pretty hard, but it might be easier than trying to think when you're engulfed with that fear/anger/etc.
You also say you freeze in situations like this. Maybe you could keep something next to your phone to ground you a little. Maybe something furry or rough. It would need to be right at eye level so you see it at the crucial moment and remember to feel it. If you could move your hand to feel it, you might be able to move your hand to hang up the phone.
It's sad how your dad is still treating you.
The Read This First letter is a good idea. It's good that you have some protection for yourself in place. I give you a gold star for that.
Posted by Voce on January 19, 2006, at 22:34:21
In reply to Ignore the Above post, posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 12:01:16
Daisy, I'm so so sorry. But I'm also really proud of you that you wrote that first original post. Even though you may wish you could take it back now, it sounded so honest and raw. I wish I could hug the younger parts of you because I feel so bad for you.
Has your T ever suggested you sever your ties to your dad? I know it's easier said than done and a big decision. It just makes me so mad that he still treats you so badly. It's toxic. Have you ever talked about it? That would be my knee-jerk reaction but I know that situations are so complicated.....
Posted by kerria on January 20, 2006, at 23:15:59
In reply to Protecting the younger parts (long, triggers), posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 0:46:36
Hi Daisym,
It's so hard to be little- i can so much identify with how scared littles feel. They probably live in the past and are still so afraid of f.Your T sounds so good. i can see how healthy it would be if your littles can each confront the one who hurts them and say 'Stop' but i agree- it is so scary. i think it's because littles live in the past - the past becomes their present. They feel powerless over someone that's big. It's so hard to be there.
i hope that you're able to allow it to happen. Things like being co-conscious with my littles are too hard for me yet. My T has never done any work with me like this.
The list that you wrote 'Read this First' caught my attention because i wrote a list like that also a while ago a little after i found out that i had DID.
take care,
kerria
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