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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on May 18, 2006, at 23:28:43
Therapy is so hard right now. We talked about my mom and how angry I am at her. I wrote her a letter, trying to express what I was feeling. It was honest but not that hostile and angry. I just can't write down all the painful feelings. Something makes my fingers type more reasonable words, more acceptable sentences. Even my therapist commented that I didn't sound that angry. I sort of railed at him: "you write it then." Because what I really want to do is create a list of everything that was ever done to me, or that I was made to do and read it to her. I want her to hear all of it, to have to listen to me tell the horrible truth. I want her to hurt as much as I do. I scared myself when I said this. My therapist was quiet and then he nodded his head and said, "it is understandable that you feel that way. I feel the same way...I want her to know everything that happened to you and force her to listen. It is OK that you have these feelings." I argued that it wasn't. I think that the worst thing I could do would be to turn my anger onto a person with the sole intention of hurting them. Doesn't that make me like my dad...and my husband? I'd rather stuff it then let it out like that. Very, very, very, very quietly my therapist said, "but stuffing it is killing you." "Yes," was all I could say.
No matter what I write or don't write, those feelings are still there, that burning feeling of outrage that makes me want to cry out, "WHERE WERE YOU?!" (I say this often to my therapist as well, from a very deep place that really needs him. He always, always responds "I wish I had been there." He never acts like this is a stupid thing to say, even though we both know this is demanding the impossible.) It is so much more than my mom not saving me from the abuse, but it begins and ends there. Because I don't think she liked me, especially the child me, who was all the things she wasn't. I was shy, and clumsy, and not a morning person at all. She is outgoing and confident and wakes up singing. I use to love to smell her pillow because it smelled like her perfume and I would imagine what it would be like to be a happy grown up like she was.
Recently I've found out that a lot of her confidence and happiness was fake. She never let me see that she was scared or hurting or unsure of a decision. And I'm angry about that too. I wish she knew how hard I tried to live up to her expectations and to grow into the person she "knew" I could be. I think I've figured out that I can't grow in this shade, I need some sun of my own. But boy, does she cast a long shadow! It would have been helpful to know that even she had moments of self-doubt and regret. My therapist asked me if I was also saying that it would be helpful to know that he had self-doubt too. I wasn't sure...I think I want him to be confident and strong and able to take care of me right now. I've had enough reality checks.
Why is mom stuff so hard?
Posted by madeline on May 19, 2006, at 7:33:48
In reply to Mom stuff, posted by Daisym on May 18, 2006, at 23:28:43
Daisy,
You know what I did? Well, I was writing an email to a friend in which I was basically trashing my mother. To quote a line from the email "Remember, she is the bitch that ruined the first half of my life"
It was extremely bashy.
Well, Freud must have stepped in the room because I accidentally, but of course on purpose, sent it to HER!
I'm not going to lie. It was tough. She was very mad and very hurt. But a couple of days after she received the email, she called me.
She told me that she understood how I felt, she apologized for all the times she had let me down and THEN she told me that she loved me unconditionally. No matter what I thought of her she was going to continue to love me.
We talked for about two hours that night.
Since then, things have been less "up and down". She is bipolar and my therapist told me he had been noticing some bipolar tendencies in me.
I called her to talk about it. I was struck at how similar we are. It was a great talk and I can't tell you how nice it was to feel that connected with her. She understands my pain, and now I finally understand hers. We are of the same mold she and I, and it's helping me to understand myself so much better.
Now, I'm not saying that my outcome will be the same as yours. But there is no denying that we are our mother's daughters.
I say send your letter, be open to any response from her (even if it is no response at all), and hope for the best. For me, it worked out in a good way.
Posted by wishingstar on May 19, 2006, at 9:38:33
In reply to Mom stuff, posted by Daisym on May 18, 2006, at 23:28:43
Daisy, I debated whether or not to reply to this because I'm really not sure if the reaction I had is even anywhere close to your experience, or if it was just MY reaction.. but I'll share, and maybe it'll help. If not, that's okay too. It's sort of ramble-y, so I hope it makes sense.
I think the reason mom stuff is so hard is exactly because its our mom. I know we're all adults now, and havent needed our mothers to take care of us in a child-like way for some time, but I think there's still a part (for me anyway) that falls into the "but you're my mom, I have to act this certain way" role. As a child, you probably werent allowed to lash out and be angry at your mother in the way you want to now. Even as an adult, and even with all the terrible things that she did to you as a child, could it be that it's hard to express the anger (like in a letter) just because she's your mother, and "you're not supposed to talk to her like that"? (In quotes to show that I dont believe it!) Even in families where the typical parent-child roles didnt really exist, I still feel like a part of that expectation can linger. It does for me, and I was never discplined for anything as a child.
I think you truly are justified in being angry and expressing that anger in whatever way you want. You're an adult now, and you're allowed to express yourself in the way you need to. I know it can be so hard to let the feelings go on paper like that... for me, using good sentences etc helps me to cope by keeping the emotion a step removed from it.
I read your other post about group where you said Little Daisy isnt being heard by you very much lately... I wonder if little daisy is asking to be heard here too. I'm not quite sure what that would mean for you, but it's just a thought.
I hope this isnt 180% off target. It's a LOT of my own issues mixed in, so it's hard to know what's just me and what isnt. I know it's hard though. Hang in there.
Posted by B2chica on May 19, 2006, at 10:33:15
In reply to Re: Mom stuff » Daisym, posted by wishingstar on May 19, 2006, at 9:38:33
wishingstar. your words rang clear with me.
growing up we were NEVER allowed to show anger at a parent infact my mother never let me use the word Hate about anybody i would get lectured or spanked for it. i had to do whatever adults (or older siblings) said without question. i guess that's part of my rage issue. i'm mad because i feel that because of that upbringing that's one of the reasons i NEVER went to anyone about the abuse. i was just supposed to do it and not question.now i question. now i hate. now...i'm angry. but i still am confused as to how to safely let it all out. it ends up a little like waves, it starts to come full force and i pull back, let it out a little more and i censor myself saying NO that's not right...and pull back again.
i guess this is really why i need to get back into therapy. i need a safe outlet.but your right (at least for me) about the 'child roles' that were expected and ingrained in us.
thank you for sharing.
b2c.
Posted by antigua on May 19, 2006, at 16:22:01
In reply to Mom stuff, posted by Daisym on May 18, 2006, at 23:28:43
I don't have time right now to answer, and I want to think about this a little before I respond, so I'll be back later. I'm sorry you're hurting, though.
best,
antigua
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