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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by orchid on May 19, 2006, at 16:21:47
Someday, when I finally settle at one place instead of being in the constant shuttling mode, and have a decent insurance again, I would like to find a male T - a very warm and emotional and empathetic one. Much older than me - maybe in the 50s or 60s so that the possibility of romance doesn't come into picture. And I would like to work on the still childish longing for a perfect father figure that is very much there deep inside.
In spite of my valiant efforts to overcome it, and develop my own self approval and authority, I have to admit, I keep failing short (much to my own surprise at this having been this hard a problem and these days a little amusement). The deep most feelings are still like a puzzle, and it just doesn't fit right whatever I try. I attribute it to being confused the heck out of my emotions by my dad, but in seems un surpassable on my own in spite of extreme efforts.
A great T who would be a supplement father is just what I need I think. As Pfinstegg had mentioned, it might just improve my job and happiness in life. If my husband had been older than me, that would have been perfect - but since he is younger, it just doesn't satisfy the need for a father figure. That is why I think I chose my first T, but of course he failed.
Any inputs?
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 19, 2006, at 17:38:17
In reply to A new male T - a wish, posted by orchid on May 19, 2006, at 16:21:47
I hope you are able to do that. I remember your posts about that horrible termination, and always thought that he did that because he got overwhelmed with positive, and sexual, counter-transference feelings. He apparently didn't have any training about how common, important and helpful they can be. I think he liked you very, very much. Not understanding about that, he REALLY hurt you with that sudden e-mail termination- HE couldn't handle it!
Posted by happyflower on May 19, 2006, at 20:35:36
In reply to A new male T - a wish, posted by orchid on May 19, 2006, at 16:21:47
Well this is just my 2 cents but I think looking for a father figure to help your fathers issues is a good thing and can make you feel good.
The only thing is that if you look for a T to fill that need, it will eventually break your heart because you won't be able to get what you really need from them because it is a perfessional relationship, not a personal one. If you start to have daughter like feelings for them, then somedsay the relationship will have to end. I know you know how painful termination is even if it goes well the way it should go, do you really want to put yourself in that situation again?
I have found father figures through out my entire life that I still have contact with. There is even this fitness instructor that says I remind him of his daugher and he wants me to call him dad. It is kinda cute.
I think getting married to an older man will probably not get that need met either. My husband is over 20 years older than me, and I am the adult in the relationship, he is more like a child.
I think when you are older and have kids of your own, the need for a parental figure will lessen somewhat for you. At least it did for me.
Now I do think going into therapy again would be a good idea, if it is to help you, not look for a personal relationship. Good luck
Posted by madeline on May 20, 2006, at 8:42:30
In reply to A new male T - a wish, posted by orchid on May 19, 2006, at 16:21:47
I have to agree with happyflower. If you go into therapy looking specifically for a personal relationship, you will probably get disappointed. I used to imagine that my T was like a gandalf figure that could magically make all the bad things that happened to just disappear and with a wave of his hand I would be whole and safe again. It doesn't work that way.
Sooner or later you will end up realizing that the man in the room with you is NOT your father. And that hurts. A lot.
However, I think it is a really good thing that you have recognized the need for a father figure in your life and it opens the door for a tremendous amount of therapeutic work.
In my opinion, that work can be done with a man, but you may be better served by a woman T.
That's not to say that feeling won't develop in that relationship, they will, but they might be easier to work through.
I think we all have a tremendous desire to go back to our childhood and try to re-live the loving relationships that we should've gotten at that time. It's normal. But no therapist can fill that role. They can only provide support and insight into our lives right now.
And, to me, that role is worth far more than any other thing we want them to do.
Maddie
Posted by Estella on May 21, 2006, at 2:40:21
In reply to A new male T - a wish, posted by orchid on May 19, 2006, at 16:21:47
That is something I've been thinking about too. If I got to choose to see whoever I wanted I would probably look for the same. Would it be good for me? Maybe... Or maybe not. I don't know.
I think you are right though that there are different transference responses that come up with different people. I wondered for a while whether working through one kind of transference was supposed to help you out with the other kinds or whether you needed a t for each kind. I still don't know what to say about that lol.
I've been thinking...
My trust was broken pretty severely.
With my father leaving yeah...
But then with those guys who took advantage of me.
That was a major break of trust.And so now I guess I'm not so trusting.
Or a relatively 'small' thing can bring all that stuff torrenting back.
With male clinician's...
That is what tends to happen.
I mean yeah I can point to various things they did to break my trust...
But I'm starting to wonder whether anyone aside from God would be able to get by over time without my feeling like my trust has been broken...It is hard because all the stuff comes back.
Trauma.
I'm over emotion dysregulation
And I'm onto trauma with respect to
What Is Wrong With Me (currently)I've got a female clinician.
Got mother issues too so there will be stuff to work through...
But it is different.I'm hoping it will help with the other too...
I think it will.
In fact it might work out even better...
Because sometimes when the transference is too intense...
I think it harms more than it helps the working through.But I really have no idea
Posted by orchid on May 22, 2006, at 14:25:56
In reply to Re: A new male T - a wish, posted by Pfinstegg on May 19, 2006, at 17:38:17
Thanks Pfinstegg. Nice try :-). And it did make me feel good - though my T wasn't really the type to get emotional.
Posted by orchid on May 22, 2006, at 14:27:15
In reply to Re: A new male T - a wish, posted by happyflower on May 19, 2006, at 20:35:36
Thanks HappyFlower. I see what you are saying and it does make lot of sense.
Maybe it isn't the right expectations with which I should go to therapy. But other than that, I don't think I need any more insights at this point.. so maybe no therapy might be the right answer.
Posted by orchid on May 22, 2006, at 14:29:02
In reply to Re: A new male T - a wish » orchid, posted by madeline on May 20, 2006, at 8:42:30
Yes Madeline. I do agree with you. But insights I have plenty into myself. I don't reallly need more insight at this point - only to heal things which cannot be healed just by insights. But maybe therapy isn't the right answer to it. Some real life father figure might be good - maybe I should go and talk to my husband's religious guru or someone like that who will be available throughout my life.
Posted by orchid on May 22, 2006, at 14:30:27
In reply to Re: A new male T - a wish » orchid, posted by Estella on May 21, 2006, at 2:40:21
> In fact it might work out even better...
> Because sometimes when the transference is too intense...
> I think it harms more than it helps the working through.
>
> But I really have no ideaI agree with you.. when the transference is too intense, more often it hurts than helps. Thanks Estella.
This is the end of the thread.
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