![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 5:12:51
I just wanted to say that it took a lot of guts to call you for help and I thought you cared just a little about me as a client to find time to talk to me because I was in a very dark place. I was feeling overwhelmed with recent events but I found my own way out of my hole and deceided that maybe I will keep living in this sucky world afterall.
But your lack of empathy and lack of available times made me realize I can't even count on you as my therapist. Which made me feel like a piece of crap.
I guess it is your way of telling me you have had enough of working with me. I can understand because I know I am a pain in the *ss. But I was ready to work on that and work on some of my inner issues that I felt I could trust you to help. But your lack of response has made me want to put up all my walls again and give up on ever becoming okay.
I feel you have let down and it hurts a lot because I counted on you and I even liked you. But now I feel abandoned when I really needed you the most.So I don't know if we should work together if you have had enough of my problems and I am too much work for you. I hope you can be honest with me about this. Bye!
Posted by madeline on May 24, 2006, at 6:39:33
In reply to My message left for my T, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 5:12:51
So you called him and left this message for him?
If so, I will be very interested to see how and if he replies.
But one thing I do want to point out in all seriousness, you are getting through this WITHOUT his help. You are handling this crisis and making your own way.
You should feel very good about that.
You showed yourself that when you feel bad, you can rely on yourself to work through it, use the support systems that you have in place, and come to a positive outcome.
That is a huge step.
Would it have been easier with his help? I don't know. But I'm almost inclined to believe that realizing that you can handle this yourself is worth more than an hour or two spent with him.
I don't know if you either can or should continue to work with him, that is your decision.
What I do know is that Happyflower is still here and still going strong without him and that may open a lot of doors to some really productive work WITH him.
Love
Maddie
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 24, 2006, at 6:52:36
In reply to My message left for my T, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 5:12:51
Posted by B2chica on May 24, 2006, at 9:23:39
In reply to My message left for my T, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 5:12:51
((((((((((((HF)))))))))))))
you did an amazing job. you got to the point. didn't apologize for feeling this way. and expect a response.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!very proud of our happyflower!
btw, CONGRATS on the A!
b2c
Posted by milly on May 24, 2006, at 10:19:05
In reply to My message left for my T, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 5:12:51
Wow happyflower you sound so strong at the moment.
Congrats on the A and I'm glad you have another option for working out at the gym.
milly
Posted by llrrrpp on May 24, 2006, at 10:43:26
In reply to Re: My message left for my T » happyflower, posted by milly on May 24, 2006, at 10:19:05
Posted by Daisym on May 24, 2006, at 10:49:15
In reply to My message left for my T, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 5:12:51
I hope he hears how sad you are and how hurt. And I hope he hears you asking, "what happened? Don't you care about me anymore?"
It sounds to me like you'd really like to work this out. That the initial upset has given way to a real loss. Don't let your pride keep you from making the effort of repair. Too often I've done this and it takes much longer to feel better. Honesty about what you need, want, and feel is needed here. And courage. Lots of courage. It is very hard to go in and tell your truth and how you experienced all of this. But it is worth it.
I hope he calls you back. And soon.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 11:35:46
In reply to Re: My message left for my T » happyflower, posted by Daisym on May 24, 2006, at 10:49:15
Maybe it was the huge fight me and my DH got into, we woke up the kids sleeping even, and then my Dh went to work, and left me to mend the kids back up from hearing us fight. We stopped when I heard my daughter crying at our door for us to stop.
Then my aunt called me later that day to tell me that her sister (my other aunt) talked to my mother and my mom was asking wether or not I was coming to the 1st reunion (my dad's side). She said no because I was afraid of her and was afraid she would show up and i wasn't going to put me and my family in the path of possiable danger. Well she also told my mom of all abuse stuff my mother did that I told her about. Well she denied it all and said if she ever sees me, she will teach me what real abuse is . This freaks me out because I know she owns a gun and stuff and she is crazy too, so I am scared again of her. I can't get a protection order against her because she hasn't done anything yet (at least in the last 7 years), beside I don't think it would stop her anyways is she wanted to kill me or something.
So all of this happened, and I didn't feel I could even talk to my DH about this, so I felt very alone when even my T couldn't find the time to talk to me.
Posted by All Done on May 24, 2006, at 11:37:33
In reply to My message left for my T, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 5:12:51
You did a great job, Happyflower. That must have been hard to tell him exactly what you're feeling. I'm glad you did it, though. I believe some of the best therapy work comes from talking about your feelings around circumstances like this. As long as your T responds in a way that makes it safe for you to continue telling him exactly how you feel. I hope he does that.
Hopefully, you feel some relief in getting this off your chest. Deep breaths until you hear from him.
Take care,
Laurie
Posted by orchid on May 24, 2006, at 11:39:46
In reply to Re: My message left for my T » happyflower, posted by Daisym on May 24, 2006, at 10:49:15
I hope HF, that your T really understands the hurt behind your voicemail, and answers it.
From what I have come to realize, therapy relationship is extremely important, and it is very essential to get it straight and right. You just can't heal fully without getting it right no matter what you try on your own. And I hope your therapist understands that, and does everything possible to really understand you and help you. He is obligated to you, and is responsible for you feeling this way. Even if you are projecting, he is the one who facilitated the projection in the first place. And he must do his part now and step up to the expectations.
Posted by B2chica on May 24, 2006, at 11:46:46
In reply to Why I freaked out and needed my T ***triggers**, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 11:35:46
oh (((((((((((((HF)))))))))))))))
how terrible.
first the fight, then the kids, then your mom, then your aunt????
this is terrible!
but i can't help but say, look at our happyflower. she is still standing upright through all this terribleness.
you DO need someone HF. and you deserve a Great T, not someone to 'settle' for .
i wish you speedy luck on finding a great one.
but remember, you are a Very Strong woman...even at the times you don't think that you are...you are. you have it inside you dear one. i can see it shine through now and again.
you Are Strong!
strength is within you.and we are here for you. supporting you anyway we can.
for now, is your aunt a threat? i know you said you can't get a protection order but maybe if you brought it to the police as a first step anyway? making sure they document it so that down the line you can say...ya, see what i've tried already?or is there someone else you can tell? friends, other relatives that can maybe keep tabs on her?
i'm SO SORRY you felt so alone my sweet happyflower.
i'm here. it's not IRL but i'm here.b2c.
Posted by madeline on May 24, 2006, at 12:01:30
In reply to Why I freaked out and needed my T ***triggers**, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 11:35:46
I wouldn't call that freaking out, I would call it throwing a line to the shore, expecting the lifeguard to be there and he wasn't. It's an awful, terrible thing that has happened.
No doubt you deserved much much better from him.
But you are still making it, you are still with us and handling it and moving with it.
It's hard I know, but you are doing it. Babblemail me anytime you feel like HF. I wish chat were still around.
I'm here.
Keep on keepin' on girl. You can do it.
Meanwhile, I personally may make a trip there just to slap that therapist in the face, and then I just might (and I've been known to do this) knee that jerk in the groin.
Posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 12:06:53
In reply to Re: Why I freaked out and needed my T ***triggers, posted by B2chica on May 24, 2006, at 11:46:46
Thanks B2 as always you help me so much. My aunt thought she could "fix" the relationship between me and my mom. I am not afraid of my aunt, she is just doing what she believes is the best. She knows how afraid I am of her and all she could say is that God will keep me safe from harm. Well God didn't keep me safe growing up with that monster in my life (my mom). Yeah, maybe I am alive, but I what I went through was like a concentration camp.
But my aunt thinks I am the one with the problem because God says you should respect and obey your parents and always forgive. Well I guess I will go to hell, because I don't ever want to be in the same room as my mother.
I hope my T does call, I know he is out of the office this morning, so hopefully it will this afternoon. Even though everyone thinks he is such a jerk, but he can help me, he has before. But it will be harder to ask him for help.
I just wish my nightmare would end. I don't feel strong, but thanks anyways, for the kind words. I feel quite wilted lately.
Posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 12:23:01
In reply to Re: Why I freaked out and needed my T ***triggers » B2chica, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 12:06:53
I couldn't answer the phone so I let voice mail pick it up. He said he is still willing to work with me and he has my orginal appointment(the one I cancelled) still open for me if I still want it. I am suppose to let him know. Well that was all of it.
He doesn't know all the reasons why I need to speak to him because he doesn't like to get into therapy over the phone so I didn't say the stuff about my husband and my mother. I don't know what to do, it just seems he doesn't care anymore, even though he did call but it was like my gynocologist calling me, didn't feel personal at all, even after the message I left.
Posted by frida on May 24, 2006, at 12:35:52
In reply to my T called, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 12:23:01
Dear Happyflower,
I think these things need to be talked about in person..Countless times I've imagined or thought my T didn't care about me because of a note she wrote or a message she left on the phone and when I go and see her and talk with her it all feels differently...
I so understand, just a few days ago I was feeling my T didn't care, because she wrote a very short e-mail just saying "I'll see you on Friday", in response to one in which I was sharing a lot. But I know it's because she doesn't like to write much or talk on the phone and she wants us to talk. I think maybe your T prefers this, it is a delicate, important topic and I feel he'll want to discuss it in person...
I don't know, I think I would go and talk to him and see how he reacts...I am so sorry you are feeling he doesn't care. That's such a painful feeling. I hope you can talk to him...I'd keep the appointment and see what he says...
sending you support,
Frida
Posted by B2chica on May 24, 2006, at 12:36:05
In reply to Re: Why I freaked out and needed my T ***triggers » B2chica, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 12:06:53
don't you just *love* those 'fixers'. you know. somethings are broken and aren't meant to be fixed. i don't know for sure if this applies to your relationship with you mother or not. but from my point of view with my mother. things are as they are going to be. i don't want or expect a loving mother/daughter relationship. too much pain has been caused. with time and thearpy i can forgive. but not forget. and quite frankly i don't want to forget, or 'mend' our relationship. i like her at a distance. it makes it more comfortable for me to live. and that's what i need to do.
same for you happyflower.and BOY do i understand the 'obey your parents and always forgive' cr@p. people have always acted like i have the best most loving, caring, "sweetheart' of a mother. they will never really know just how psychotic she could be. (and no offense to those that are psychotic). respect, well, i might give her the outwardly appearance of some resemblance of respect. but that's due to the type of abuse she put on me and how i'm dealing with it. but in my heart, i don't. not for who she is. and again, forgivness comes from within, when YOU are ready, not when everyone else says you should otherwise it's meaningless.
and if you're going to hell, i'll ride down in your handbasket!sweetheart. i hope your T calls too. and i think he has at times been a jerk to you, but i guess who can't right. but that doesn't matter right now. what matters is you need someone. and he for the most part has been there for you. you've said over and over again that you had such a great working relationship and you made such progress with him. So i will say a couple quick prayers and send good vibes your way in hopes that he calls this afternoon.
your nightmare will end my dear. it will. i don't know when. and i don't know how. but you are working WAY too hard for it to not.
and i'll be strong for you when you can't HF.
if you're wilted, it's probably cuz i've been taking care of you...dang that brown thumb. i'll give you some miracle grow, put you in a new pot with fresh soil, next to some shaded sunlight all day. maybe that can help.take care HF
b2c
Posted by orchid on May 24, 2006, at 12:38:46
In reply to my T called, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 12:23:01
It seems to me HF, that you will probably be better off to find a new T (maybe a woman) who will be able to really help you with the rest of the issues.
I think your T is probably a good T, and is decently capable, but he doesn't seem to be very emotionally deep or capable of understanding the depth of emotions. And that is probably why you end up hurting every now and then.
I don't think it is your fault. But I do think your T is little short of the emotional capacity needed to help you out from this point on. Maybe someone like Daisys T or LadyBugs T or Madelines T would be better - and maybe a Woman T might be better to specifically help you. What do you think?
Posted by B2chica on May 24, 2006, at 12:43:50
In reply to my T called, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 12:23:01
well i'm GLAD he called you back. i think you Really need the support right now and that supercedes Anything else.
and i remember my T Hated talking on the phone. he used to comment on it in session that if he could get away with never talking on the phone he would. so try not to read too much into the short reply.and i'm sure you are still really hurt and confused from all this 'outside' relationship stuff that's been going on. try not to read too much into him right now. focus on you and your problems. talk to him about them. to act unfeeling is one thing, but if you feel he isn't paying attention, or isn't giving you good advice or feedback, then i'd say start moving on sooner rather than later.
but right now you need support and for better or worse he seems to be the best one for the job.
go see him.
and HF, please be good to yourself.take a hot bubble bath tonight and each chocolate cookies and fudge ice cream.
(((((((((((((((HF))))))))))))))))
b2c
Posted by milly on May 24, 2006, at 14:41:03
In reply to my T called, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 12:23:01
Oh Happyflower, he called, maybe it was breif and a bit unemotional because he didn't know who would pick up the message.
I second B2c you need to talk , go see him
milly
also definately do the bubble bathh and cookies thing!!
(((((((((hf)))))))))
Posted by madeline on May 24, 2006, at 18:46:31
In reply to my T called, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 12:23:01
when is your next appointment with him?
Posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 19:44:45
In reply to Re: my T called » happyflower, posted by madeline on May 24, 2006, at 18:46:31
Hi Maddie,
My appointment is next Wed. Are you going to come with me? LOL I think it will be okay. I called and said I would come, and I also told him a little about what is going on with me, but of course it was all on voice mail. I am feeling a little weird about going and seeing him.
Posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 21:38:28
In reply to Re: my T called » madeline, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 19:44:45
My therapist is always like that on the phone. Then I see him in person and he's his usual self.
I don't know how they can turn it on and off like that. :( No wonder we get confused and distressed.
Posted by susan47 on May 24, 2006, at 22:49:20
In reply to Re: my T called » madeline, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 19:44:45
Maybe it's a good idea not to leave any more messages and just go see him. But I know how hard it is to keep the emotion in, and especially when you feel like there's only one person who you really can connect with, because you've made a very large investment in the connection you've created with this therapist. I know. I wish I knew what you could do to satisfy the urge. My therapist once told me to write things out, but it didn't work. I ended up with half a dozen notebooks strewn here there and everywhere, where anybody could find them, I'm not that organized and especially when you're hurting emotionally, the last thing I needed was a pen and paper. The first thing I needed was a strong man to support me. My DH couldn't do that, he needed too much support himself and besides I was completely alienated from him in any case...
When your daughter came crying to your door and you stopped fighting, did you go put her back to bed?
Posted by tryingtobewise on May 25, 2006, at 1:57:58
In reply to my T called, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 12:23:01
Hi HF...
Didn't you recently let him know you felt like he was being too personal with you? Maybe he is just being a bit more distant now in an attempt to establish more professional boundaries.
I hate to see you take it personally! I'll bet your session with him will go fine, and perhaps this all will precipitate some important discussions. Plus it will be kind of a fresh start since you did previously clear the air regarding how you felt about wanting to be able to interact with him out of the office.
On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if you might benefit more from a female therapist with strong boundaries who could empathize/counsel you while simultaneously kind of acting as a good role model. I'm probably "projecting" though because I had a serious "dual relationship" with a therapist who did not respect boundaries at all. I'm still living the aftermath but have done soooo much better with a female therapist who is absolutely great, but who also has not inspired the same type of attachment.
All my best to you always,
Kim
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.