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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by inimitable on December 11, 2006, at 21:49:02
okay, so i have been thinking of suicide for the firts time in my life, the past couple months, and have told my T about it. he's been helpful. but recently, what with this week being exam week, i have been very stressed and could see myself actually being tempted to do it tonight (i realized this last night, and told my T today), because i have a presentation due tomorrow, as well as some paperwork for that presentation, AND a take home exam that i haven't done. i was so stressed and thinking about how i couldn't do it, i didn't have the energy for this anymore (school), and how i didn't want to dissapoint my group mates, and have them ahte me. so i figured that if i killed myself tonight that i wouldn't ahve to face them, or my professor, and have to tell them that i am a no good college studnet who is soo stupid she couldn't even finish (or start) a measly take home exam. a TAKE HOME exam! the easiest of all exams. and i had other classes this semester, that i dropped a few weeks back, but i kept this class cause it is kind of important to have before i would do an internship, in the blurry future. so i kept this class, it's the ONLY class i had, and yet it was still to much for me to bear. but the thing is, my T, when i told him this today, we ended up having him write a note to my prof, explaining that i am severly depressed....but i feel like it's a cop out, i'm not really depressed! severely depressed people don't feel hopeful at times, do they? cause i still feel hopefull about the future and stuff. and i feel like i somehow tricked my T into believeing that i was depressed, when i am not. and i feel like what do i have to be depressed about?! nothing, nothing tragic has happened in my life lately, so i should be able to suck it up and move on. but i can't cause i am lazy and stupid and worthless. and now i fooled my T into thinking i am depressed, severely depressed. i feel weird around him lately and i don't know why, it's as if i feel like i am lying to him or something, it doesn't feel natural.
i just wnated to see if anyone else felt like they were lying to their T, or if they felt like they didn't deserve their diagnosis?
i am seeing my T tomoorown, so he can make sur ei am still alive, and he made me call him after i threw out my razors, that i had in the house, but the thing is, i doubt i would have killed myself, but i did find it tempting, and i knew how i would do it if i did. but i doubt i would have. i am sure i wouldn't have. maybe that's why i feel i fooled him, my T, because even though i kne wi wouldn't, i still felt like i could, and was scared...which is why i brought it back up, even after we weren't talking about it anymore in session, we were on another topic.*inimitable
Posted by sunnydays on December 11, 2006, at 22:15:38
In reply to Suicide -mad at myself ** big trigger i think**, posted by inimitable on December 11, 2006, at 21:49:02
Oh dear. Yes, I have that feeling all the time. I get so worried that if I feel hopeful it means I'm not depressed and I'm just making it all up. But I think that's the whole point about depression, is we get into these thinking cycles. I'm so so glad you got your T to write the note for you. Even one class can be hard. I'm in college too, and I am freaking out about exams. Personally, I think take-home exams are the hardest, because they design them so you have to do a lot of work to get them done. So if you're depressed, of course you don't want to do it. And it's not a cop-out at all. I'm so glad you are posting here tonight. You will see your T tomorrow, and please bring up how you're feeling - maybe even print out what you wrote here. It's a great thing to tell him what you're feeling. I'm sure he'll have something reassuring to say to you.
Try to stay strong. It's a difficult life sometimes, but there are those moments that make it all worthwhile. And if you think you haven't found them yet, you will. Just keep trying.(((((inimitable)))))
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on December 11, 2006, at 23:20:05
In reply to Suicide -mad at myself ** big trigger i think**, posted by inimitable on December 11, 2006, at 21:49:02
Its not all or nothing necessarily when you depressed.
You can still have good moments. You can still sometimes see ahead.
But anytime you start to get thots of taking your life, and even how, then those thots are to be taken seriously.
Cuz sometimes when we depressed our thinking gets rather mixed up.
So I am so glad you were honest with your T in saying you DID have thots. Thats important that you did.
Good for you.
You did the right thing.
Please try and not be too hard on yourself. You are doing what you can do at this time.
Depression can be very tricky. It can seem like your not, even though you are. I dunno why. We just wanto fool ourselves or something?
Anyhow,
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Honore on December 11, 2006, at 23:27:08
In reply to Suicide -mad at myself ** big trigger i think**, posted by inimitable on December 11, 2006, at 21:49:02
Hi, inimitable.
You did the right thing. You told your T something that was true. It's extremely important to tell your T if you think about killing yourself.
I'm sure he's carefully considering the risks, and your strength and ability to hold onto hope. But he may believe that he can do things that pull you back from the edge, into a place where you do feel some hope.
Maybe you're feeling more hopeful because you were able to trust him and he took you seriously, and acted in your best interests.
So--don't reject hope-- -- hope and despair are often linked. So let your hope stay with you, even in your moments of despair. Try not to attack it-- or yourself-- because it's there.
And please keep yourself safe.
Honore
Posted by inimitable on December 11, 2006, at 23:56:06
In reply to Re: Suicide -mad at myself ** big trigger i think*, posted by Honore on December 11, 2006, at 23:27:08
see, actually, after i had told him today about my specific thoughts last night (cause i've told him before, a few weeks ago that i have been thinking about it), i told him how it felt weird, because i would go from thinking about suicide, to regular thoughts like how i shoudl do the dishes...and how that felt weird, to go from thoughts of suicide to regular thoughts, and he said that was good, because i can seperate the bad thoughts, but still go on with life. and i know what he means by that. but then we started talking about the presentation?exam i have to do for tomorrow (which i am not doing anymore and wimping out on), and he was talking to me about a plan of action on getting those things done, and i all of a sudden started crying, thinking in my head that here he is, talking about how i am going to do it, but i just DON'T have the energy to do it, and if i admit this to him, he'll think i'm stupid. i don't have a problem with talking him about things usually, but it's just that lately it's been so weird around him, feeling like i am lying, even though i am not lying, but it feels like i am deeiving him or something.
thank you all so much for responding to my post, it feels good to talk to other people about this.
Posted by inimitable on December 12, 2006, at 7:40:39
In reply to Re: Suicide -mad at myself ** big trigger i think*, posted by inimitable on December 11, 2006, at 23:56:06
now i am thinking i would have been better off, if i killed myself. just a little bit, because i DO want to live, i DO, but now my group mates are calling me, most likely wondering where the heck i am, because the presentation i was supposed to give started at 8am. and i am not answering the phone. i feel soo guilty. i mean, i know my health should come first, but i feel guilty because it doesn't seem like i'm worthy of being called severly depressed, and so it's a sham, and it's not enough, my feeling of killing myself, it's not enough to leave my group in the lurch like that. i feel horrible, i want to vomit, or hurt myself. but i won't. i will wait, and tell my T how i feel, when i see him today.
Posted by wishingstar on December 12, 2006, at 13:32:37
In reply to Suicide -mad at myself ** big trigger i think**, posted by inimitable on December 11, 2006, at 21:49:02
Oh inimitable... {{{hugs}}}
I know how you feel. What you said really struck me because I've been there so many times myself.
I want to tell you a little about how I felt not to make it about me, but just so you know you arent alone. I was in grad school up until about 2 months ago. The material was difficult and not particularly exciting, but definitely not beyond my abilities. I found myself feeling the same way you describe... "I could just kill myself tonight rather than having to write this". And "this" could be a 2 paragraph blurb. It didnt matter. It doesnt necessairly matter how "big" the thing is.. the emotional impact is the same. Once youre already completely filled up to the top with stress and hurt and emotions, theres just no room for anything else, regardless of what it is.
I always often feel like I'm lying or "fooling everyone" (my T included) when they refer to me as depressed because I too have good moments, and moments where I function well. However, depression doenst have to be every second of every day for it to be real. Thinking about killing yourself at all is enough to signify theres a problem. I think that sometimes our brains are just so overwhelmed by fighting the depression, even if its in a moment where we're feeling pretty good, that we just cant "do the things we should do". It's not a cop out. And you dont have to have any major life traumas to be depressed, just like you dont have to have diabetes in your family to be diagnosed with it, for instance. Maybe that's a bad analogy, but you get the point.
I dont know how else to put what I'm thniking into words because it's a feeling I can relate so closely to. But honestly, I dont believe you are faking it or copping out of responsibilities. You are doing the best you can right now. Dont be too hard on yourself.
ws
Posted by Poet on December 12, 2006, at 14:56:26
In reply to Suicide -mad at myself ** big trigger i think**, posted by inimitable on December 11, 2006, at 21:49:02
Hi Inimitable,
It's okay that you told your T about feeling suicidal. I hope you talked to your T, today, about that you don't think you're depressed, but are still feeling suicidal.
Maybe your T said in the note that you're severly depressed because depression is something that the professor might accept as a valid reason that you couldn't do the presentation. If I were you I'd just tell my group mates that I was sick and couldn't come to class. That you didn't answer the phone because you were feeling too ill to get out of bed. Hopefully that'll satisfy their curiosity.
Let us know how it went with your T.
Poet
Posted by inimitable on December 12, 2006, at 15:12:54
In reply to Re: Suicide -mad at myself ** big trigger i think** » inimitable, posted by Poet on December 12, 2006, at 14:56:26
thank you wishingstar, for letting me know i'm not alone :) and to the others for replying and hugs!
my session went good, but i found out that i had to drop off the letter to my profesor myself! i did it, just hurried and dropped it in his mailbox and left in a hurry, with no sighting of him...whew!
see what i do, is during the week or time when i don't see my T, is i send myself emails (i have two email accounts) about how i feel, in certain situations, if i have time to emaiol myself. so i did that a lot, and my T reads these emails, so he can get a better idea of how i feel. and what he and i ended up talking about is how i seem to feel like i am not worthy of the label "severly depressed" he started of by having me take a depression inventroty test, and i turned out to be severly depressed, anything above a 26 or something is depressed and i got a 46 or something..but all my life i have always been told that i shouldn';t feel certain ways, or my feelings don't matter, and that i am always to blame for everything that happens. so it makes sense that i wouldn't be willing to accept that i am depressed, and that it's not my fault. i still kind of don't believe it, but my T helped me to see that i AM depressed, and although i may not feel like i have a good "reason" to be depressed, that doens't matter. i don't need a good reason.
i really wanted to hug my T, seeing as how i won't see him til the 5th of jan, but he and i don't give hugs, i am not normally a touchy feely person, but i've become wuite close to him, and i...i think i love him, like a T. he is also just a grad student, at the university i am (was) attending, he's onyl a couple years older than me. so that would make a hug weird too. also because i used to (still kind of do, a tiny bit) like him, like i would any man. but anyways i ended up feeling okay about it...now the tast ahead is telling my sisters about all this, which i will eventually have to do, since they will ask how my semester went.
thank you all so much! it feels sooooo good talking to someone other than my T about this, seeing as how i have no friends.:) inimitable
Posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 19:26:45
In reply to Suicide -mad at myself ** big trigger i think**, posted by inimitable on December 11, 2006, at 21:49:02
Oh my gosh, I'm the exact same way!
I feel like hurting myself to get out of exams. I don't think I'm depressed, I just can't seem to do anything productive.
In the past I've taken an overdose and ended up in the hospital, all because I wanted to avoid an exam.
I almost did it again today. I got my note, but now I'm feeling really guilty, so guilty that I think I can OD again.
:-(
Posted by inimitable on December 12, 2006, at 19:45:31
In reply to Re: Suicide -mad at myself ** big trigger i think** » inimitable, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 19:26:45
see, i don't know if i would feel so guilty if this were a one person project i blew off. i don't mind that i blew off the exam (well i do, cause it was a take home and should have been easy, and i am dissaponited in myself), but that i let down my group members, and then i sent them an email, after one of them sent me one, showing her concern for me, and i sent on back to her and the guy in my group, telling them that it came down to my well being or going to class, and i chose my well being, so now this GUY that i liked knows that i'm messed up.
but anyways that is the main reason i feel guilty, but also cause i liked this professor, and i think he liked me, and i had to dissapoint him, if he even is dissapointed in me, but i also have to face him in the future, because in my T's letter, my T asked if i could get an incomplete, so that means i will finish the work later within this next year. so i will have to face the professor again, and he will knwo i'm not well. ugh.
thank you all :)*inimitable
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