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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by youngaddict on January 19, 2007, at 17:52:02
ok
i had another session with my T today. I have been noticing that she has been seemingly annoyed with me.. like first I thought she was disapointed, then I thought maybe she was upset now I think shes just annoyed. She had a completly different posture, tones, everything today and I coudl chalk it up to her having a bad day, not feeling well, etc.. cause they are human. or i could think shes annoyed with me, i bother her, she hates me. etc... i tend to think the latter because lets be honest, i have some transference issues going on and because she had never ever behaved this way. Shes always the same every week. never cracks a smile, never says how shes doing, nothing. very proffessional but it makes me want to know more about her. REGARDLESS today she told me " i can't save you." and it CRUSHED me. because i know she is right, i am looking for someone (ie her) to save me and she can't. i have a disease called addiction and i am a drug addict. and i have to do something about it or whats the point of therapy? i mean its wasting time right if all i do is get high and not try to change. ??but really deep down in my messed up little girl heart i feel abandoned and i wonder why she is being this way? is she playing some part with me to aid in my healing,... or more likely she is just annoyed with me.
whatever the reason i feel sick
Posted by Tamar on January 19, 2007, at 18:39:50
In reply to my insides feel out.., posted by youngaddict on January 19, 2007, at 17:52:02
It can sound so harsh when they say things like that, can't it? When my T tells me he can't do something, it hurts so much that I can't speak, but there's a part of me that wants to shout, "But I really, REALLY want you to!"
Did your therapist tell you what she *can* do for you? Did she tell you she can help you make changes, or that she can be there with you on your journey into health, or that she can give you non-judgemental support when you face temptations and difficulties? Sometimes it's not enough and we still want them to save us... But sometimes it can help to know that despite their limitations they're going to be there for us.
Tamar
Posted by wishingstar on January 19, 2007, at 19:44:30
In reply to my insides feel out.., posted by youngaddict on January 19, 2007, at 17:52:02
> i am looking for someone (ie her) to save me and she can't. i have a disease called addiction and i am a drug addict. and i have to do something about it or whats the point of therapy? i mean its wasting time right if all i do is get high and not try to change. ??
>
>I cant even count the number of times I have said this myself. In fact, I used that very line to allow myself to leave the partial hospitalization program I was in a few months back. I can relate to how you're feeling.
But my T at the partial program... I didnt know him well, but we talked about that issue several times. I dont know much about your history, but I imagine there's a reason therapy is so scary. Those arent really the words I want, but I cant find the right ones. A reason that you fear she hates you, fear she'll abandon you, fear etc etc. Perhaps you've had some bad experiences in the past with people hurting you? My T from partial would say that it makes sense that you're afraid to change. That it'd almost be stupid in a way to walk in to therapy and on day 1, say "okay I'm ready! tell me how to change and whatever you say, I'll do it!" because 1, why would you trust the T to make that judgment? 2, why would you trust her not to abandon you or hate you or any other thing people naturally guard themselves against in relationships? and 3, if it were as easy as "just tell me what to do and I'll do it", none of us would be in therapy. I'm sure you're a smart person and some part of you knows that getting high isnt what you want to be doing. But it's just not that easy. There are always costs and benefits to every action, and that includes getting high. It takes time to make the benefits of stopping outweigh the costs. And if you're afraid that your T isnt supporting you, is mad at you, hates you, etc I imagine you dont feel completely supported by her in this venture. Sure, she wants you to stop, but do you feel completely safe with being 100% real with her (even if that involves saying you're doing "bad" things)? I'm picturing a little kid who is trying some big task for the first time, with the parent there saying "okay do it! but dont tell me if you fail". From what you've said, it doesnt sound like she's terribly comforting when you're using. Not that she should encourage it of course.
I realize I'm rambling and that was all 1 big paragraph. It was really just off the top of my head, and I made a lot of assumptions about you, your T, and your situation, some (or all) of which may not even be correct. Feel free to correct me. But maybe some little piece of that monster paragraph will resonate. I hope so.
You're not alone in this.
Posted by wishingstar on January 19, 2007, at 20:11:59
In reply to Re: my insides feel out.. » youngaddict, posted by wishingstar on January 19, 2007, at 19:44:30
Posted by youngaddict on January 20, 2007, at 22:11:32
In reply to Re: my insides feel out.. » youngaddict, posted by Tamar on January 19, 2007, at 18:39:50
It can sound so harsh when they say things like that, can't it? When my T tells me he can't do something, it hurts so much that I can't speak, but there's a part of me that wants to shout, "But I really, REALLY want you to!"
**i know.. i really wanted her to say that she cares and she will help me through this and we can do it and rah rah rah and she didn't. she said that she was not able to save me.
Did your therapist tell you what she *can* do for you?
** no she didn't and i wish she had.
Did she tell you she can help you make changes, or that she can be there with you on your journey into health, or that she can give you non-judgemental support when you face temptations and difficulties? Sometimes it's not enough and we still want them to save us... But sometimes it can help to know that despite their limitations they're going to be there for us.
** i feel like its not going to be that way that she won't be theree for me but i know shes just a paid person and doesn't care about me the way i want her too. although why its so important to me is sommething i am sturggling with so far.
Posted by muffled on January 21, 2007, at 16:18:46
In reply to Re: my insides feel out.., posted by youngaddict on January 20, 2007, at 22:11:32
Sorry recovery IS very hard. But the more time you get under your belt, and the longer you don't have any non prescription substances in your sysytem, well, the somewhat clearer things get. Its hard to move ahead when you all cloudy.
I kinda messed a bit, but just wanted to post that you are not alone in your struggles, and I personally have found that I do best w/my T when I am straight w/her and honest, and don't avoid conflict w/her, but head straight into it and work thru it w/her. This all helps the overall T relationship greatly as well.
Hope this makes sense in some way.
Thinking of you.
You write so nicely.
Muffled
Posted by youngaddict on January 21, 2007, at 20:06:23
In reply to Re: my insides feel out.. » youngaddict, posted by muffled on January 21, 2007, at 16:18:46
u know whats odd. my t said that she has had many many clients get clean relapse get clean relapse but she has never seen anyone who got clean relapsed and doesn;'t want to go back. i thought i was going through a normal thing but i guess not. its weird. i really think shes annoyed with me like shes tired of hearing about it. and that pisses me off. because yeah i know its annoying but you are my t and you are supposed to be a non judgemental guide through my recovery right?
right?
am i debating quitting because i think i am too obsessed with her and she thinks she can';t save me and now its more of a thing of saving face and it shouldn;';t be about that it should be about my recovery through whatever.. you know?
am i making any sense?
Posted by muffled on January 21, 2007, at 23:41:55
In reply to Re: my insides feel out.., posted by youngaddict on January 21, 2007, at 20:06:23
You ever done a residential treatment? Like for a month. They teach ya lots of strategies, and its daily and good that way. They also keep on top of your health and nutrition if your poorly nourished.
I learned ALOT in treatment.
Just a thot.
FYI, I STILL want to drink, but I KNOW I will die if I do....
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by youngaddict on January 22, 2007, at 12:57:32
In reply to Re: my insides feel out.. » youngaddict, posted by muffled on January 21, 2007, at 23:41:55
> You ever done a residential treatment? Like for a month. They teach ya lots of strategies, and its daily and good that way. They also keep on top of your health and nutrition if your poorly nourished.
*** I have never been in a residential treatment, only for one night I was in the psych ward in college because I tried to kill myself (supposidly, I really didn't but they wanted to be safe) It was a traumatic experience because I didn't belong there at the time and I was on lockdown and it was just awful so I have a bit of anxiety about that kind of treatment although to be honest a month away sounds good. to focus only on myself and not be able to use drugs.. it sounds amazing
i guess i want to know if i should quit therapy or cancel for the week because ia m upset.. but really i feel as if i amtesting her to see her reaction.ugh
Posted by muffled on January 25, 2007, at 0:43:11
In reply to Re: my insides feel out.., posted by youngaddict on January 22, 2007, at 12:57:32
> > You ever done a residential treatment? Like for a month. They teach ya lots of strategies, and its daily and good that way. They also keep on top of your health and nutrition if your poorly nourished.
>
> *** I have never been in a residential treatment, only for one night I was in the psych ward in college because I tried to kill myself (supposidly, I really didn't but they wanted to be safe) It was a traumatic experience because I didn't belong there at the time and I was on lockdown and it was just awful so I have a bit of anxiety about that kind of treatment although to be honest a month away sounds good. to focus only on myself and not be able to use drugs.. it sounds amazing
>
It was amazing and VERY helpful to me. It wasn't hospital, but a government(Canada) subsidized treatment center. Nothing fancy, but good training, and if you used when there , your were OUT.
I have had bad hosp experience :(
But this treatment I did not at all hosp.
Just first day a Dr. comes in and checks everyone over is all.
>
> i guess i want to know if i should quit therapy or cancel for the week because ia m upset.. but really i feel as if i amtesting her to see her reaction.
>
> ughUGH!
Just saw this and I replied below.
See ya,
Muffled
Posted by Dis Traught on January 28, 2007, at 3:02:24
In reply to my insides feel out.., posted by youngaddict on January 19, 2007, at 17:52:02
Hi,
I feel for you. I also feel for your T- she is probably beside herself with emotions and very upset. My brother died from heroin. Only you can help you. The trouble is that you are in a paradox: in order to get better you need to take control and stop taking drugs, but the drugs control you so you can't. Maybe your T has come to the sad conclusion that you prefer the drugs to be in control.
If there is any way you can get locked up for three months, a clinic, go for it. Then you can start to take control. I miss my bro, and I too felt utterly helpless. Remember that if you do go into a clinic the people here will continue to stand by you, and probably even your therapist.Penny
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