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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on January 25, 2007, at 20:57:21
How can you know if its a memeory thing, or just denial?
I have emotions and stuff that show trauma, but I got huge memory blank.
And there's certain places I can't seem to go in my thinking, cuz i block despite myself.
And I am in pieces, and mostly its OK, but sometimes its a problem.
So I wondering, if I so in denial or blocking so, then mebbe its better to leave it alone?
And anyways, anything I would get from the past would be thru my childs perception. Sometimes kids perceive things WRONGLY. And I used to feel intensely I think, so mebbe its just a kids intensity.
So the thing is I WILL NEVER KNOW. Cuz even what I DO know, I consider as sh*t, crapola, cuz there is no concrete evidence. I an old lady, my medical records are long gone. Noone in my family has ever said nothing (not that they would- i found out by accident that my grandfather commited suicide-noone told me-me who has been hospitalized for depression-DUH). From what I gather our family GP was frightening anyways.
So what do I have to go on but some kids perceptions, emotions, and all the weirsd stuff i do and triggers etc? So to me its all sh*t. And I think my T wants me to talk bout it, but I got nothing to say. My T is very careful, she will not put words in my mouth, she just says that I can talk to her bout anything, cuz she is my safe person.
Damn this all is so confusing.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on January 25, 2007, at 20:57:21
In reply to confused**trigger?**, posted by muffled on January 25, 2007, at 15:20:46
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 25, 2007, at 20:57:21
In reply to sigh, above pst to goto psych, been that kinda day (nm), posted by muffled on January 25, 2007, at 15:23:57
Muffled, I know what you mean.
I've been thinking too clearly.
Sometimes the world seems neater and cleaner with a bit of blur.
High Definition thinking is not always an advantage.
So, If I can borrow some of your confused and disorganized (at least dislocated) post, you can borrow some of my clear thinking.
deal?
-Ll
Posted by fayeroe on January 25, 2007, at 20:57:21
In reply to confused**trigger?**, posted by muffled on January 25, 2007, at 15:20:46
Posted by 10derHeart on January 25, 2007, at 20:57:21
In reply to sigh, above pst to goto psych, been that kinda day (nm), posted by muffled on January 25, 2007, at 15:23:57
Posted by 10derHeart on January 25, 2007, at 21:00:48
In reply to At your service - I'll move the thread to Psych:-) (nm) » muffled, posted by 10derHeart on January 25, 2007, at 20:53:48
Posted by toojane on January 25, 2007, at 21:25:44
In reply to confused**trigger?**, posted by muffled on January 25, 2007, at 15:20:46
> So I wondering, if I so in denial or blocking so, then mebbe its better to leave it alone?Will it leave you alone?
Traumatic memory visits and revisits and then visits again. It affects your life in profound ways. You can use denial and blocking all you like but it won't go away until you work through it. At least, that is what my therapist says.
You are in pieces for a reason and there are parts that know why, even if you don't.
Posted by zenhussy on January 26, 2007, at 0:02:23
In reply to Re: confused**trigger?** » muffled, posted by toojane on January 25, 2007, at 21:25:44
>>>You are in pieces for a reason and there are parts that know why, even if you don't. <<<
YES! thank you for putting it so concisely.
Posted by Gee on January 26, 2007, at 11:51:23
In reply to confused**trigger?**, posted by muffled on January 25, 2007, at 15:20:46
(((MUFFLED))) I'm sorry you are so confused and upset by all this. I don't know if you will ever get those memories back. Kids do percieve things differently than adults do, but often kids see things very truthfully (not the word I'm looking for, but the only one I can find at the moment).
My family is the same way. A lot is hidden beneth the surface and never EVER talked about. Luckily, one of my aunts doesn't believe that this stuff should be hidden, and so we've been talking about it. Maybe you got someone in your family like this?
Posted by happykat on January 26, 2007, at 12:35:00
In reply to confused**trigger?**, posted by muffled on January 25, 2007, at 15:20:46
Muffled,
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck then it probably is a duck.
There is a reason you don't remember and its not just some weird memory problem because memory doesn't work like that. If you are missing gaps in your childhood its for a good reason. Coupled with the fact that you have other signs/symptoms consistent with trauma then IMO I'd say something probably happened.
The suck part is that you may never know what happened. And that is truly one of the hardest things to deal with. I think I have pieced some of my stuff together but then sometimes I think I'm crazy and what if I'm wrong? I don't know about you but I always feel like some invisible hand clamps down over my mouth when I try to talk about it sometimes or I get the whole brain fog thing going. I know exactly what I want to say driving to her office and the moment I'm there I can't remember a d*mn thing. Defense mechanisms. That's why you don't remember parts of your childhood.
Have you tried doing a history timeline and writing down everything you remember, when the gaps are and correlating them with your symptoms and what triggers you?
It is hard not being able to tell your t. Do you have any memory fragments that she could maybe help you work on putting together. I know its hard and sometimes there aren't even any words at all especially if something happened to you when you were preverbal.
These are 3 excellent books on trauma and how the body and mind store memories:
"Trauma and Recovery"
"Trauma Through A Child's Eyes"
"Waking The Tiger"Be well and Stay safe.
Regards,
happykat
Posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 14:42:35
In reply to Re: sigh, above pst to goto psych, been that kinda » muffled, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 25, 2007, at 15:42:20
Posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 14:43:37
In reply to Re: confused**trigger?** » muffled, posted by toojane on January 25, 2007, at 21:25:44
Posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 14:45:53
In reply to Re: confused**trigger?** » muffled, posted by toojane on January 25, 2007, at 21:25:44
>
> > So I wondering, if I so in denial or blocking so, then mebbe its better to leave it alone?
>
> Will it leave you alone?No
>
> Traumatic memory visits and revisits and then visits again. It affects your life in profound ways. You can use denial and blocking all you like but it won't go away until you work through it. At least, that is what my therapist says.LOL. I admire your honesty! Its what my T says too....
>
> You are in pieces for a reason and there are parts that know why, even if you don't.It may be that someone inside knows......not sure.
Got me thinking.
Thanks toojane, take care,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 14:47:43
In reply to Re: confused**trigger?** » toojane, posted by zenhussy on January 26, 2007, at 0:02:23
> >>>You are in pieces for a reason and there are parts that know why, even if you don't. <<<
>
> YES! thank you for putting it so concisely.
>You really think someone knows?
Thx,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 14:49:30
In reply to Re: confused**trigger?**, posted by Gee on January 26, 2007, at 11:51:23
> (((MUFFLED))) I'm sorry you are so confused and upset by all this. I don't know if you will ever get those memories back. Kids do percieve things differently than adults do, but often kids see things very truthfully (not the word I'm looking for, but the only one I can find at the moment).
Yup its confusing.
>
> My family is the same way. A lot is hidden beneth the surface and never EVER talked about. Luckily, one of my aunts doesn't believe that this stuff should be hidden, and so we've been talking about it. Maybe you got someone in your family like this?Nope, cept for me proly, I tend to be outspoken. But I don't know anything.
Sigh.
Thanks Gee :)
Hope you doing OK.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 15:01:01
In reply to Re: confused**trigger?** » muffled, posted by happykat on January 26, 2007, at 12:35:00
> If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck then it probably is a duck.
Despite my best efforts to not beleive this, its getting harder to deny....
>
> There is a reason you don't remember and its not just some weird memory problem because memory doesn't work like that. If you are missing gaps in your childhood its for a good reason. Coupled with the fact that you have other signs/symptoms consistent with trauma then IMO I'd say something probably happened.Sigh.
>
> The suck part is that you may never know what happened. And that is truly one of the hardest things to deal with. I think I have pieced some of my stuff together but then sometimes I think I'm crazy and what if I'm wrong? I don't know about you but I always feel like some invisible hand clamps down over my mouth when I try to talk about it sometimes or I get the whole brain fog thing going. I know exactly what I want to say driving to her office and the moment I'm there I can't remember a d*mn thing. Defense mechanisms. That's why you don't remember parts of your childhood.I can't even think of it by myself. I can't bring thots. Sometimes I start to, but somer part of me absolutely pannicks in the extreeme and instantly shuts off any connection. I dissociate w/my T a whole lot less.
>
> Have you tried doing a history timeline and writing down everything you remember, when the gaps are and correlating them with your symptoms and what triggers you?My T is very very careful to not put stuff on me, its for me to say, and I've never said to her that maybe I got hurt really. mebbe mentioned in passing, but those times I immediately pannick and she backs off.
I tried writing a story bout a fictional little girl and following my memories, but it started out this sweet kid that loved the world, and then there is NOTHING at all, and the next thing this little girl is terrified of the world and thinks she's bad and must hide the bad from others.
So I dunno. I haven't showed that to T. Don't want her to think the wrong things....
A p-doc wanted me to get neuropsych tested. I dunno.
>
> It is hard not being able to tell your t. Do you have any memory fragments that she could maybe help you work on putting together. I know its hard and sometimes there aren't even any words at all especially if something happened to you when you were preverbal.Just a terrible visceral terror and disgust with this body. Sometimes I think maybe I just start to see something, but then there's a white flash in my eyes and its gone....
>
> These are 3 excellent books on trauma and how the body and mind store memories:
>
> "Trauma and Recovery"
> "Trauma Through A Child's Eyes"
> "Waking The Tiger"I will look into those, thank you.
>
> Be well and Stay safe.
> Regards,
> happykatRegards to you too HK, take care,
Muffled
>
Posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 15:03:20
In reply to Re: confused**trigger?** » muffled, posted by happykat on January 26, 2007, at 12:35:00
Sometimes I start to think of something and I wonder, and it makes me SICK. Physically sick.
And I get scared.
Does this go away?
Muffled
Posted by toojane on January 26, 2007, at 15:11:38
In reply to OMG**trigger?**, posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 15:03:20
> Sometimes I start to think of something and I wonder, and it makes me SICK. Physically sick.
> And I get scared.
> Does this go away?
I wish it did. I haven't figured out how to make memories stop. I am constantly triggered, by the most innocuous things and feel physically ill because of them. It's called somatization
Posted by Gee on January 26, 2007, at 15:21:36
In reply to Re: confused**trigger?** » Gee, posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 14:49:30
Muff, sometimes being outspoken is the best thing for the rest of the family. I guess in my family I'm more likely to tell it as it is, or say the things that people are stepping around, or things that just don't get talked about. I bet as your kids get older, you'll have a much more honest and open relationship with them if you can be "outspoken" in the good ways
Posted by Gee on January 26, 2007, at 15:22:54
In reply to OMG**trigger?**, posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 15:03:20
I've learned to stay away from things that do that to me. Psych class was a bad one... can you stay away from or stop thinking about the things that make you feel sick?
Posted by happykat on January 26, 2007, at 15:31:21
In reply to OMG**trigger?**, posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 15:03:20
((((((((((((muffled)))))))))))))
I hope I didn't trigger you.
I didn't mean too! :( I'm sorry muffled!!!!I think the problem is that until the trauma is resolved your autonomic nervous system just keeps getting trigged by outside cues. It's a continual loop. I think EMDR and some forms of bodywork help the body release some of the effects. It's all tied into the central nervous system. I found that my level of terror decreased significantly after the bodywork. It got worse before it got better, but eventually it was better.
What's the neuropsych testing they want to do?
When I get overwhelmed/overstimulated I just turn it all off and forget all of it for awhile. It helps!!
I'm so sorry!!!!!!!!!!I know it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!
((((((((((((((I'm sorry Muffled))))))))))))))))))Be well.Stay safe.
Regards,
Kat
Posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 15:50:40
In reply to Re: OMG**trigger?** » muffled, posted by happykat on January 26, 2007, at 15:31:21
> ((((((((((((muffled)))))))))))))
>
> I hope I didn't trigger you.
> I didn't mean too! :( I'm sorry muffled!!!!*Nope you didn't trigger me, I triggered me. Just I alla sudden thot bout why white flash and then of course I auto-blocked s'OK. I am EXTREMELY good at blocking. I should really get an award I think! But now I am smiling :-) cuz you care :-)
>
> I think the problem is that until the trauma is resolved your autonomic nervous system just keeps getting trigged by outside cues. It's a continual loop. I think EMDR and some forms of bodywork help the body release some of the effects. It's all tied into the central nervous system. I found that my level of terror decreased significantly after the bodywork. It got worse before it got better, but eventually it was better.*My T was saying something bout that, but then she used to term arousal and then she kinda lost me....
I think its proly like desensitization, I will get used to 'stuff' eventually....
>
> What's the neuropsych testing they want to do?*Dunno really? Memory, IQ , and that stuff. Dunno why.
>
> When I get overwhelmed/overstimulated I just turn it all off and forget all of it for awhile. It helps!!Yep, I the queen of that, but then I kinda get overwhelmed if I deny too long. But my T been teahing me good stuff. I am HUGELY safer than I was say a year ago.
>
> I'm so sorry!!!!!!!!!!I know it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!
> ((((((((((((((I'm sorry Muffled))))))))))))))))))*Thx for all the hugs.
>
> Be well.Stay safe.
> Regards,
> Kat*will do, you too,
Now I really goto get mooooving!
Muffled
Posted by Tamar on January 26, 2007, at 16:23:33
In reply to Re: OMG**trigger?** NAaaaaah. » happykat, posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 15:50:40
Hey muffled…
You’re in a really difficult place. The wanting to know but not quite believing… and not knowing, and wondering if you’ll ever know.
Seems to me the important thing is to acknowledge that something is wrong. Even if you don’t want to believe your worst fears or your scariest thoughts… nevertheless, something really is wrong.
It’s just a starting place. It doesn’t have meaning yet. It just is. I dunno, but for me sometimes I need to think that simply. Something is wrong. We’re not making this up. Something is very wrong, and it matters because it shouldn’t be like this. Something is wrong and it’s not our fault.
Muffled, I admire your courage so much. It’s really inspiring.
Love,
Tamar
Posted by zenhussy on January 26, 2007, at 16:59:45
In reply to Re: confused**trigger?** » zenhussy, posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 14:47:43
Posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 19:44:48
In reply to You really think someone knows? Yes! **trigger?** (nm) » muffled, posted by zenhussy on January 26, 2007, at 16:59:45
I have 2 parts that are dead as far as I know, so they can't say nothing cuz they dead. So maybe a part knows, but is unavailable I'm thinking.
Does anyone else have dead parts?
I never heard of it B4?
Only reason I know there are, is cuz there's a part that just seems to know stuff, and it told me, and I think mebbe someone else does too, one of the kids. Yeah, I guess it was a kid that told me first, but I didn't really beleive it, cuz it seems fishy, but then that other part confirmed it. I am inclined to beleive that other part as it just seems to know stuff, and is right in the end usually.
Muffled
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