![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on May 6, 2007, at 21:25:44
My last session was very difficult. We talked about some things that are so deeply buried I have never been able to admit them to anyone, just keep them inside and hope no one can see them. It started a number of ickinesses going for me, which is what I'm about to post about...
The trigger is about child abuse. If that's a problem for you, please consider whether to read further.
OK, I used to be able to say that I had been abused as a child. Now, though, for some reason, I can't seem to fit that into my self-image -- there's a lot of "oh, I said I was abused, but it really wasn't so bad, and my mom tried her best, and other people have had it much worse than I ever did," and all those sorts of things. A lot of "but I was over-reacting, I was too sensitive, I was too self-centered," etc. Now I'm having to face up to how bad it really was, and do it at a point when I'm getting along with my mother -- and still pathetically desperate for her love and approval. It's very, very difficult.
Part of the difficulty is in turning the focus away from what I feel now, and what I remember of what I felt then, in favor of empathy and compassion for my mother. I can't say, "Mom really messed up, those things were abusive and it was bad of her to do those things TO ME, and I'm angry about it." I start to say that I am not at fault for what happened, and then I get into defending my mother. And feeling for my mother, instead of feeling for myself. And it's so frightening, the pain and grief, and the sense that I can't let go of wanting to be good enough for Mommy to love me. Because all of that need is long past -- that Mommy can't ever love me, because it was long ago and we're both different people now. So, I will have to grieve for what I didn't get and never wioll get.
The other part, though, which is also hard for me -- maybe even harder -- is looking at the things she said to me, the things she said about me, and ripping them out of my self-image. Yes, I can be self-centered -- but that isn't necessarily the core of my personality, and it's not even necessarily a bad thing. More importantly, though, it's APPROPRIATE for a five year old to be pretty self-centered! That's part of being a child. Mother screaming at me that I was bad because I was so self-centered was the part that wasn't appropriate.
I'm nearly having a full blown anxiety attack just typing this, by the way. After all, it's BAD for me to say that I'm not fundamentally horrid.
So, all those things, all the things that now I can see were wrong of her to accuse me of, all those things that have been deeply part of my self-image for the past forty years, all of those things that I am so ashamed of being -- now I have to pull those out and look at them. And it's going to hurt and it's going to hurt a lot.
Every time I try to look at them, I can say a little bit that it's not true, or that it doesn't matter if it's true or not, because it's not fundamentally bad anyway; but mostly I start to say that it's not true -- and then that little internal whisper comes up: 'except that it *is* true, and you *are* horrid. Better make sure no one ever finds out how awful you really are, because otherwise NO ONE will ever like you, and no one will ever, ever love you.' I can't quite get away from the sense that, when my T says I'm not "bad," she's only saying it because she doesn't know what I'm really like underneath. It just feels as though I have that much more to be ashamed of -- "I'm successfully lying to my T about how bad I am."
So, I know that I can't be the only one to struggle with this sort of thing. Has anyone here gotten through to the other side? Has anything helped on the way through it?
Thanks.
Posted by sunnydays on May 6, 2007, at 21:47:45
In reply to Completely wrung out (long) **trigger**, posted by Racer on May 6, 2007, at 21:25:44
Hi,
Been there, doing that. We just talked about it last session, in fact. I am getting closer and closer to being able to say with certainty that I am not bad. One big thing we talked about was how I made a big step that session in saying that "Even if you were to get annoyed with me, that wouldn't mean *I'm* annoying". When I said that, I thought my T was about to fall over in shock because that's been so deeply entrenched for so long and it just popped into my head all of a sudden and made sense.But then we spent the rest of the session talking about how I'm afraid doing saying that will cut off the sad part of me that believes that stuff, and how I don't know if I want to lose her. It was my unconscious trying to pull me back into the I'm bad stuff. And it has happened since then that I've thought I'm awful.
But I think it was a huge breakthrough - there was nothing I could do to get there except it just popped in my head one day and finally it all clicked what my T had been saying all along.Anyway, that's my wisdom for the day. I'm nervous about going to T tomorrow because I got really angry over the weekend at my mother, who abused me, and that's kind of a huge first for me (I didn't tell her, though), so I'm sure we'll talk about that.
Good luck. It is so so hard being in the spot you're in now, but you'll get through it. Hang on to your T and your relationship, that's what helped me the most was knowing my T was there and he cared and he would think the world of me no matter what I said or did.
sunnydays
Posted by Daisym on May 7, 2007, at 0:23:16
In reply to Completely wrung out (long) **trigger**, posted by Racer on May 6, 2007, at 21:25:44
I can't say I'm even close to getting to the other side of it. But I have some thoughts, for what they are worth.
I think you are confronting these really hard things right now because you HAVE to. So as much as you want to turn all this away and have empathy for your mom, you first have to see it for what it is, and how hurtful it was. You have to exorcise the pieces of your mom that have been interjected into you because you want to be a different kind of a mom. The truth is that these things she told you about yourself -- are the worst parts of her. Coldly look at it -- self-centered, over-reacting, too sensitive -- do you see her? She gave you all her bad parts of hold because she couldn't stand to see them in herself.
This doesn't make it any easier to stop wanting her unconditional love and acceptance. All kids want this from their moms. I sure do. I want her to like ME, not the me she wants me to be. And I try so hard to be HER...but I'll never do it as well...and then despair sets in. It might be long past, but it is every bit as real and painful right now.
Grief is exactly the right word. And that stinks because I believe there is nothing more painful than this. Letting go of the wish that one day your mom will suddenly be different is not done easily or over night. But eventually, you can let go. You are already starting to do that.
And then you build on what you have. You have a relationship with her, you just have to allow it to evolve into something more honest, with more emotional armor for you. Her declarations of who or what you were/are will hurt less, because you will know inside yourself that you are a good person, and you are loveable.
I tell my therapist all the time that he just doesn't know how awful I really am. So he tells me to tell him. And everytime I tell him something else, something new, he points out why it makes sense that I would do such a thing. Or he helps me see the source -- and why it isn't true. That doesn't mean that I don't feel like you do - simply bad (otherwise how could all of this have happened and no one cared?) - but I can now entertain the idea that all this might not be my fault.
Try to ask yourself questions in reverse: Your husband is a good, smart man - why would he love someone who was bad? Your friends make pretty good choices - why would they choose to be friends with you if you were horribly self-centered? Your therapist is a pretty smart cookie, why wouldn't she want to work on "bad" parts instead of colluding with you to not see them?
I know this hard. Really hard. Try to stay with it but give yourself a break now and again too. Keep writing about it. It helps.
hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Racer on May 7, 2007, at 1:24:34
In reply to Re: Completely wrung out (long) **trigger** » Racer, posted by Daisym on May 7, 2007, at 0:23:16
>
> Try to ask yourself questions in reverse: Your friends make pretty good choices - why would they choose to be friends with you if you were horribly self-centered?Thank you, Daisy. I knew you'd get it, and I appreciate your response.
You know what, though? You wanna know something I have been bothered by: it felt so unfair of me to make us go to that restaurant, just because I'm nuts. I should have let you pick the restaurant, and just found something, instead of making us all eat somewhere just because I knew I'd find something on the menu I could eat. That's the sort of thing that sticks with me, as proof that I'm terrible.
On the other hand, it sure makes you and SP look pretty great, to put up with me...
Thank you. What helps most is knowing I'm not alone.
Posted by Daisym on May 7, 2007, at 2:24:58
In reply to Re: Completely wrung out (long) **trigger** » Daisym, posted by Racer on May 7, 2007, at 1:24:34
I guess you are just going to have to trust that if something like that was *really* important to me...or anyone...they'd speak up. Accomodating one another is what friends, and family, do. We recognize the needs of others and allow for those needs. We hope others will allow for our need too. This truly is OK Racer. Really. It means "I like you enough to want you to be comfortable." Just like I kept my cell out on the table because I have a kid who might need me. It is (slightly) rude at dinner, but necessary. Actually, it was very brave of you to speak up and say what you needed. A lot of people don't do that and end up suffering not so silently.
These kinds of things don't make you self-centered, just self-aware. There is a HUGE difference.
Keep at it. This is important stuff.
Posted by Honore on May 7, 2007, at 8:45:05
In reply to Completely wrung out (long) **trigger**, posted by Racer on May 6, 2007, at 21:25:44
Well, you helped me a lot yesterday. I spent a lot of time debating whether there was someone I could confide in- and if it was worth taking the risk-or whether I should try to go through the feelings on my own--
And just talking to you helped me- a lot-- and that feeling has held up. The thing is-- it's not what you said-- per se--it's just you being you, and my telling you-- maybe it''s not one of those things you can't identify-- it's too elusive-- but it's who the person is-- and what it feels like to tell them something.
For me, that's the foundation of what it is to be a good person-- to be someone who gives people a feeling of being good for and to them (ie you feel good in that person's mind, in a way that seems authentic, and not made up, and not even "created"-- just you do)-- it's the first, most essential thing.
If you can do that for me, I can't believe you can't over time do it for yourself. I wish I could give it back to you-- but over time, though, your T, or your T and husband-- and your friends-- and your own goodness-- have to be making something new.
When it works for me, therapy give me new experiences-- ones in which I;m living in a different narrative from the one I lived in with my parents. And I experience myself being a new and different person-- the one in that story-- who's capable of living and feeling and being responded to-- and responding to myself--as good, and in a good way.
So every time that happens, it's part of building the new parts of myself, that can be and see and feel differently. Even saying the things you've said here-- is building that-- and one of these days, you'll realize that you do see yourself differently-- and you've begun to say and know those things without having them be so devastating and unbearable. They'll be awful, but they won't be so much about the deepest you-- they won't be about another person; they'll be about you, but not the most alive parts of you--because the newer parts will be growing and knowing things, and being able to act and believe differently about herself.
You've made a lot of changes and they'll continue. I know it's hard to wait for transformations, but they do come at the most unexpected moments.
Honore
Posted by scratchpad on May 7, 2007, at 12:11:21
In reply to Re: Completely wrung out (long) **trigger** » Racer, posted by Daisym on May 7, 2007, at 2:24:58
> I guess you are just going to have to trust that if something like that was *really* important to me...or anyone...they'd speak up. Accomodating one another is what friends, and family, do. We recognize the needs of others and allow for those needs. We hope others will allow for our need too. This truly is OK Racer. Really. It means "I like you enough to want you to be comfortable." Just like I kept my cell out on the table because I have a kid who might need me. It is (slightly) rude at dinner, but necessary. Actually, it was very brave of you to speak up and say what you needed. A lot of people don't do that and end up suffering not so silently.
>
> These kinds of things don't make you self-centered, just self-aware. There is a HUGE difference.
>
EXACTLY.
spI want to reiterate that our visit was by far the best part of my trip. By far. Most definitely. Absolutely. Indisputably. It made me feel good about myself, that I actually have friends who want to spend time with me, no matter how horribly I feel about myself.
This is important.
Posted by muffled on May 7, 2007, at 12:18:36
In reply to Completely wrung out (long) **trigger**, posted by Racer on May 6, 2007, at 21:25:44
> OK, I used to be able to say that I had been abused as a child. Now, though, for some reason, I can't seem to fit that into my self-image -- there's a lot of "oh, I said I was abused, but it really wasn't so bad, and my mom tried her best, and other people have had it much worse than I ever did," and all those sorts of things. A lot of "but I was over-reacting, I was too sensitive, I was too self-centered," etc. Now I'm having to face up to how bad it really was, and do it at a point when I'm getting along with my mother -- and still pathetically desperate for her love and approval. It's very, very difficult.**My childhood was positively perfect....cept I can't remember it! But my sisters say it wasn't so bad....
So I dunno. I don't care bout my Mom...I feel kinda bad bout that.
>
> Part of the difficulty is in turning the focus away from what I feel now, and what I remember of what I felt then, in favor of empathy and compassion for my mother. I can't say, "Mom really messed up, those things were abusive and it was bad of her to do those things TO ME, and I'm angry about it." I start to say that I am not at fault for what happened, and then I get into defending my mother. And feeling for my mother, instead of feeling for myself. And it's so frightening, the pain and grief, and the sense that I can't let go of wanting to be good enough for Mommy to love me. Because all of that need is long past -- that Mommy can't ever love me, because it was long ago and we're both different people now. So, I will have to grieve for what I didn't get and never wioll get.**Can you acess the feelings etc of your inner kid? Can you focus on them, get into that 'mode' as it were? Let yourself go back to it, forget the adult stuff for a bit? I am a little split, so its easier for me to actaully do(but not pleasant), but being able to get right into that state and let it flow is good. But thats where safety is SO important, cuz if you don't feel safe, it won't happen...
I have always defended my Mom. She was burned out. I think she proly got mental issues. Tried to get my Dad to get her to a T, but no go. I wonder if you, like me, feel deeply. My T says I do apparently. So my swings of feeling are more intense, and last longer than average, which makes it hard. I am a Mom now, and I can see it in one of my kids, its hard...
>
> The other part, though, which is also hard for me -- maybe even harder -- is looking at the things she said to me, the things she said about me, and ripping them out of my self-image. Yes, I can be self-centered -- but that isn't necessarily the core of my personality, and it's not even necessarily a bad thing. More importantly, though, it's APPROPRIATE for a five year old to be pretty self-centered! That's part of being a child. Mother screaming at me that I was bad because I was so self-centered was the part that wasn't appropriate.**Good gravy kids are totally self centered, they SUPPOSED to be. They gradually outgrow it to varying degrees as they mature. I think my son will always be somewhat self centered, but I may be wrong...
>
> I'm nearly having a full blown anxiety attack just typing this, by the way. After all, it's BAD for me to say that I'm not fundamentally horrid.**Yeah, I thot I was a leper, oozing badness everywhere I went. I thot deep inside that I am evil. I MOSTLY dealt with that fallacy, but I guess it still haunts me. We worked thru it by taking the untrue thots I had and restating them to something that was more true. It was a sucky process, but it did help eventually.
>
> So, all those things, all the things that now I can see were wrong of her to accuse me of, all those things that have been deeply part of my self-image for the past forty years, all of those things that I am so ashamed of being -- now I have to pull those out and look at them. And it's going to hurt and it's going to hurt a lot.**Yup T sucks, but I can tell you, while I still have my times of doubt, it feels DAMN GOOD to dump some of that sh*t from outta my head. Has made a huge difference to how I feel in this world. Huge. So I would say, bring out all your self care strategies, and go to it. It don't neccessarily auto mean your Mom is bad, she just did what she knew. Thats all. And they lies and they dragging you down. Dump them.
>
> Every time I try to look at them, I can say a little bit that it's not true, or that it doesn't matter if it's true or not, because it's not fundamentally bad anyway; but mostly I start to say that it's not true -- and then that little internal whisper comes up: 'except that it *is* true, and you *are* horrid. Better make sure no one ever finds out how awful you really are, because otherwise NO ONE will ever like you, and no one will ever, ever love you.' I can't quite get away from the sense that, when my T says I'm not "bad," she's only saying it because she doesn't know what I'm really like underneath. It just feels as though I have that much more to be ashamed of -- "I'm successfully lying to my T about how bad I am."**OH MAN!! That is so EXACTLY what I am doing to myself right now. But I think at this time it is more a fear response and fall back cuz I am scared right now.O DO know really, that I am not a leper...
We all are human, we all screw up. That don't mean we 'bad' or 'evil'.
Does your T take time to make sure you feel 'safe', that helps me alot.
>
> So, I know that I can't be the only one to struggle with this sort of thing. Has anyone here gotten through to the other side? Has anything helped on the way through it?**So yeah. I still struggle w/this stuff. Less so now though. Its awful strong to get thru though. But its doable.
So I would say self soothe strategies need to be in place. Safety in T needs to be addressed. Just take extra special care of yourself Racer.
BTW, I dunno, I seem to have sort of disconnected from my Mom. Dunno? I just know I don't really give a crap bout what she thinks of me. I guess i just pity her, cuz I know she loves me in her way, I never felt she didn't love me, she just a screwed up person. I think she did the best that she was able to do. I don't think she consciously tried to hurt us. So yeah, just I feel sorry for her is all. Guess i pretty damn lucky NOT to have this "Mom stuff" that is so common. Though it makes me feel a tad weird that I don't. Oh well.
Take care Racer. You can do this. And it DOES feel SO much better in the end. A real load off the psyche. Dumping that baggage is anoither big step towards being free at last.
Muffled
Posted by Racer on May 7, 2007, at 12:22:42
In reply to Re: Completely wrung out (long) **trigger** » Daisym, posted by scratchpad on May 7, 2007, at 12:11:21
> > It made me feel good about myself, that I actually have friends who want to spend time with me, no matter how horribly I feel about myself.
> This is important.
>
>
>It is important, I know that because it felt so good to be with you. I felt good about myself when I was with you, and had flashes of "wow! I'm feeling a lot of comfort and trust with this woman." For me, who tries so desperately to hide myself from everyone, that's pretty amazing.
This board is often very good for me, too. Somehow, when no one can see me, when I can be fairly anonymous, it's possible for me to express some things I wouldn't be able to express in person -- and the feedback I get based on that is so helpful for me.
So, thank you, ScratchPad and Daisy, for your reassurances, and for your company.
And thank you everyone else here, for all your support over the years.
Posted by Racer on May 7, 2007, at 12:24:22
In reply to Re: Completely wrung out (long) **trigger**, posted by Honore on May 7, 2007, at 8:45:05
Funny -- I think I know what you mean, because it always feels good to talk to you, and I always walk away feeling a little calmer, a little brighter, just a little better all the way around.
I guess, if what you say is good about that being a sign of a good person, then you're a very good person.
Thank you.
Posted by Racer on May 7, 2007, at 12:31:42
In reply to Re: Completely wrung out (long) **trigger** » Racer, posted by sunnydays on May 6, 2007, at 21:47:45
Thank you.
I'm still at the "people think I'm not a bad person, because I hide my inner badness from them" stage. But I've managed to say things like, "Yes, I was manipulating her as best I could, but manipulation is a neutral concept -- and anyway, I was terrified and doing everything I could come up with to survive!" It's still saying that I was doing what mother said I was doing, but it's also allowing myself to see it as a survival mechanism, a coping strategy, rather than a fundamentally "bad" character trait. And I'm better able to see that it's never right to say those things to a child. I'm at the point of seeing how I'd feel if someone did that to a child -- next will come the hard part: applying that to me...
Thanks for your response.
Posted by Honore on May 7, 2007, at 15:31:41
In reply to Re: Completely wrung out (long) **trigger** » Honore, posted by Racer on May 7, 2007, at 12:24:22
Well, I know you are-- I know it probably feels all twisted and like there are horrible things inside you. I was feeling that way, so terribly this morning at my appointment. And I was fighting with my T-- and left angry and upset.
And then I don't know why, probably drugs-- but hey, what are they for if not to help a little-- my mood lifted and I feel more hopeful.
I wish I could get to know you better, and we could do things together. I think it's harder if you have a mother who's not all bad-- who kind of pulls at your heartstrings-- and for whom it's easy to feel empathy and remorse at what she's missed out on in life.
But even when she was " right" about you-- she was wrong. Like Mary McCarthy said about Lillian Hellman-- "everything she said [about you] was [wrong], even "and" and "the""-- cause she got the whole thing wrong-- even if the word "manipulate" could be applied to something you did in a neutral and acceptable way-- she was wrong-- cause she wasn't feeling and seeing and nurturing the good you that was there for her--
And it's not because she's bad-- it's because she had her own craziness, that you didn't' cause and you couldn't save her from-- I think in a way that's what I have to grieve the most, maybe you too-- not being able to save my mother from whatever it was that had hurt her so much that she would hurt me so much-- not being able to save both of us.
But that wasn't you, or my, job.
I think it's great that you can begin to say these things-- and I hope you can see how very wrong your mother was about you-- and feel good about that kid you were-- deep down-- and the person you are now, too.
Honore
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 7, 2007, at 18:57:52
In reply to Completely wrung out (long) **trigger**, posted by Racer on May 6, 2007, at 21:25:44
> So, all those things, all the things that now I can see were wrong of her to accuse me of, all those things that have been deeply part of my self-image for the past forty years, all of those things that I am so ashamed of being -- now I have to pull those out and look at them. And it's going to hurt and it's going to hurt a lot.
>
> Every time I try to look at them, I can say a little bit that it's not true, or that it doesn't matter if it's true or not, because it's not fundamentally bad anyway; but mostly I start to say that it's not true -- and then that little internal whisper comes up: 'except that it *is* true, and you *are* horrid. Better make sure no one ever finds out how awful you really are, because otherwise NO ONE will ever like you, and no one will ever, ever love you.' I can't quite get away from the sense that, when my T says I'm not "bad," she's only saying it because she doesn't know what I'm really like underneath. It just feels as though I have that much more to be ashamed of -- "I'm successfully lying to my T about how bad I am."
>
> So, I know that I can't be the only one to struggle with this sort of thing. Has anyone here gotten through to the other side? Has anything helped on the way through it?
>
> Thanks.Racer,
I don't know the particulars of your situation, but I have been going through some of the same thought processes. I guess what "clicked" for me is that I had been protecting my mom for so long, and it came so naturally to me that when it was time to face HER role in my abusive past that I was worried I would destroy her.I recently took mom to a session with me. It lasted 2 hours. She came to visit me extra for this session. I wanted to make sure she was in therapy herself first, and my T understood- that underneath her pollyanna "everything is fine in MY family" lay a very brittle and delicate person whose defense mechanisms ran as deep as her soul itself.
But something about my mom's situation told me that she was ready for this step. She, like myself has been able to finally escape the abuser and regain power. Now it's up to both of us to regain the power to rip those experiences out of our self-schemas.
My session with mom was extremely intense. I was asked to read many examples of abuse on other's part and mom's role in allowing/facilitating/failing to protect me from.. the bad stuff.
And for many, many years it went on. My entire childhood and adolescence I had to fend for myself, pretty much. That part of me knows how to protect myself, at least from known dangers. It's also hard to know what's dangerous though?
Is your mom still dangerous to you in real life? has she regained a position of power recently, and that's why you are internalizing and defending your childhood? Is there a new person in your life and you are experiencing maternal transference?
non-linearity. it's a process. I'm sick to DEATH of hearing that I can't feel better TODAY. this instant.
ho hum. and on we go.
Posted by madeline on May 7, 2007, at 19:12:54
In reply to Completely wrung out (long) **trigger**, posted by Racer on May 6, 2007, at 21:25:44
I'm recovering from child abuse as well and one of the things that I found most difficult was holding the opposite feelings about my parents. But that's what you have to do. You just have to hold them there and let them be.
It seems to me that I just had to let which one was the most emergent have the most airtime - whether it be the needy, craving child, the rage-filled semi-adult, or the compassionate all forgiving all knowing semi-adult. They were all in there and all of them just seemed to be "right" and appropriate I guess.
To me the anxiety came in trying to just be ONE of them.
What happened to me (us) was BAD and you know what? We bought into all the bad stuff hook, line and sinker because we had no other choice. And, yes, you will have to pull it out and look at it, and grieve it and re-experience a lot of it. It'll be tough, but you will get through it.
The other side is worth it. Also, one thing that I found was when I was able to reject most of what my parents said and did I was able to "write myself".
But not only that, but discovering yourself is just darn good fun. I found stuff that I truly love to do. I never thought that was possible - but it is.
The road you are about to go down is dark and twisty, but the place at the other side is soooo worth the trip.
Maddie
ps. I went to a "cowboy" riding clinic this weekend and HAD A BLAST! I'm still sore from all the time on horseback but it was amazing!
Posted by antigua on May 9, 2007, at 11:36:14
In reply to Completely wrung out (long) **trigger**, posted by Racer on May 6, 2007, at 21:25:44
Have you ever discussed the abuse with your mother? Is she aware you feel this away? I don't remember if your mother was your only abuser, so excuse the ignorance, but I discovered once I told my mother about the abuse, things changed dramatically between us, at least for me. I still tend to be the "good" girl, but I let more of myself out to her now, whether she likes it or not. She is confused some times and we've had a few "disagreements," but I'm better off in the long run.
This may not apply, so feel free to ignore!
antigua
Posted by Racer on May 9, 2007, at 13:49:12
In reply to Question, posted by antigua on May 9, 2007, at 11:36:14
> Have you ever discussed the abuse with your mother? Is she aware you feel this away?
See, that's part of the problem, too -- my mother is not the same person she was then. That's another part of my inability to feel the anger at her. If feels unfair to be angry with the older woman, with all her frailties, for something a young, immature woman did. Does that make sense? So, my T and I are trying to work on confronting my memory -- imagining her sitting in the room, and what I would want to say to her if she still existed. Kinda like if she had died, if that makes sense?
In fact, being me and being nuts, I have told my mother that I don't have any bad feelings at all about her, and tried to convince her that there's nothing to forgive. I've reminded her of all the wonderful things we did together, all the great parts of her as a mother. So, no, I don't think I can say I've talked to her about it...
I did a bit years ago, but it didn't go well. That was when i was in bad shape in my early 20s, and she was still the Other Mom. It wasn't a good idea, although I learned a lot that is helping now to go through some of this.
>I don't remember if your mother was your only abuser, so excuse the ignorance, but I discovered once I told my mother about the abuse, things changed dramatically between us, at least for me. I still tend to be the "good" girl, but I let more of myself out to her now, whether she likes it or not. She is confused some times and we've had a few "disagreements," but I'm better off in the long run.
> This may not apply, so feel free to ignore!
> antiguaNaw, I wouldn't ignore you. I always appreciate your time when you answer me. Thank you.
It's so hard, right now, partly because of the "good girl" stuff. I feel as though I have to take care of my mother -- despite the fact that, when I look back now, she did a pretty p**s-poor job of taking care of me. That's part of my make up, now, though -- I am Racer, She Who Takes Care Of Others, to atone for her selfishness. Or hide her selfishness.
Apparently I hide it pretty well, since honestly I can't say I can think of anyplace I've expressed it through behavior in many, many years... But, I still think it sometimes, so I must therefore be fundamentally selfish. {rolls eyes} (Hey, at least I can see the problem now... And laugh at it...)
Anyway, thank you again. How are you doing?
Posted by antigua on May 9, 2007, at 16:29:09
In reply to Answer » antigua, posted by Racer on May 9, 2007, at 13:49:12
I'm out the door to a basketball game, so I will post later, but I understand exactly how you feel about your mother. My mother is no longer the same person she was when I was little--she's much stronger actually--but I still feel as if I have to protect her too. Part of it is that she gets very distressed if when we speak on the phone if I am less than the usual cheery self she is used to. And then she gets mad when I don't call her, but I can't always be cheery. If she only knew...
More later, and hang in there.
antigua
This is the end of the thread.
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