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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by frida on July 20, 2007, at 21:57:13
Hi...
I've been reading the latest posts on trying to disclose and share memories...and about talking from deep inside and truly tell...
i find myself crying right now, thinking about that.
I feel this burden and tears inside because I can't tell my T....
I wish I could do as some of you do...i wish I could tell her...and cry...and share it all...but i can't, I can't cry, I can't tell her...I fall apart at home when I'm alone...I have told my T some of my feelings, about my needs, she knows what happened , but i have never been able to tell her from my heart. I have told her bits as if i were telling a movie, or very vaguely, never really telling her from that part of me that holds all the pain and tears.
I feel scared of never being able to do this, and having to carry this inside...and losing the chance my T is offering me.
I don't know how to tell.. How do you tell?
How ?
I often feel that I'm in the moment after my dad hurt me..and that my T comes, holds my hand and I am able to cry and tell her. But that won't happen :-(I don't understand what goes on inside of me that I spend the whole night before T crying, feeling that I can't stand it anymore and that I want to go and really connect...and then I go and talk from such distance and can't even cry, which would be such a relief, to cry with her and not alone as always. I would like to feel that connection that comes from telling from your soul...
I do trust my T and I know she cares about me. She has said that countless times and has proved to me I can trust her. I feel totally trapped inside and don't want to carry this alone.
Any advice...? anyone..?
Thanks,
Frida
Posted by Maria01 on July 20, 2007, at 22:20:26
In reply to how to tell *triggering csa**, posted by frida on July 20, 2007, at 21:57:13
This is just my .02, but have you thought of telling your T, exactly how you feel, just as you have done here? If it would help, maybe printing out your post and reading it to her? That way maybe you could address the feelings surrounded with discussing the csa. Sometimes reading something from print can help jump-start things a bit. If anything, it would give your T some wonderful insight!
Hope this helps!
Posted by OzLand on July 20, 2007, at 22:20:53
In reply to how to tell *triggering csa**, posted by frida on July 20, 2007, at 21:57:13
I can only say that I was like you for a very long time with other therapists. With the one I have now, I have only seen him since the beginning of May, but I can tell he knows what he is doing and that I can trust him. I kept resisting too, and then I went one day and told myself, "I will do it." I just went back to what I had already said to him like talking about the news or something matter-of-factly, and I was looking at the floor as it made it easier, and I just tried to think about what I was feeling back then when things started. I felt almost as if I was turning into a little girl again, but I was able to maintain my self as an adult to some extent. Anyway, I just made the decison to do it when I got there. No thinking about it ahead of time; no thinking about how to do it; I just went in and said to my T, "okay; I'm going to try and go back to when things started." Then, I just did it, and he was so gentle and kind about it.
Like you, I spent so much time alone talking to him and crying and yet, that was not very satisfying as I was really just talking to myself, and if I knew what to do about myself, well of course I would have already. Maybe other people have ideas, but that is what I did, and I am going to be scared all over again next time and the next and the next. I doubt it gets easier for a time. Maybe later, I hope.
Ozland
Posted by antigua3 on July 21, 2007, at 9:22:28
In reply to how to tell *triggering csa**, posted by frida on July 20, 2007, at 21:57:13
I'm still very good at reciting the facts, detached and unemotionally, just like you said. But more often, the emotion kicks in now and I just try to go with it. It doesn't always work, and I could kick myself when I walk out afterwards for not connecting with the emotion. I want to CRY, one long drawn-out cry, but I'm too afraid to. Still am. I am superwoman when it comes to holding it in. My strength, as I've said before, is also my greatest weakness.
I like the idea of printing out what you wrote. Last week, I took my pdoc a letter and made myself read it in front of him. Wasn't as bad as I thought, and now he has it down on paper right in front of him. He was very kind about all. Somehow or other, I find it easier to cry with my pdoc than my T, but I don't feel the emotional connection with him (maybe it's just not yet), but sometimes, for me, just stating the facts gets me going.
good luck,
antigua
Posted by Poet on July 21, 2007, at 18:20:37
In reply to how to tell *triggering csa**, posted by frida on July 20, 2007, at 21:57:13
Hi Frida,
I always denied CSA when my T asked about it. I finally told her in a journal that she had me doing for homework. She wantd me to read it out loud to here, but I couldn't bring myself to do it so she read it silently to herself.
She promised to never bring it up until I say it's okay and two years later I still can't talk about it even though I really need to. Maybe I can try journaling again. IRL things have been triggering me lately, not babble, and I need to let some of this out IRL.
Cyber hugs ((((Frida))))
Poet
Posted by OzLand on July 22, 2007, at 0:26:40
In reply to Re: how to tell *triggering csa** » frida, posted by Poet on July 21, 2007, at 18:20:37
Don't feel bad. I did not deny it when I was in treatment in the 80's and into the early 90's, but I refused to talk about it--said I had resolved it in my mind. I really believed it. No therapy and doing okay for over ten years, and then it hit me like a lead ballon. I tried to talk about it with a therapist who was ill equiped to work with me on these issues, but now I have someone who is well-trained, etc. I finally said to myself, I have to do this as I am sick and tired of being depressed; even did ECT to get over being depressed. HAH; didn't really work because I never addressed the issues. Now I am, and it is gut wrenching. I think this is why so many, including me, would just as soon avoid it. Problem is it does not go away and eats away at you in various ways as you know. We are all here to help.
OzLand
Posted by B2chica on July 23, 2007, at 11:29:31
In reply to Re: how to tell *triggering csa** » frida, posted by Poet on July 21, 2007, at 18:20:37
Poet, i've missed you.
it makes me happy to see you here "today".sorry things are triggering you lately, must be something in the air. same going on here.
(((((((((((((poet)))))))))))))b2c
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