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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 15:49:17
I have a lot to tell you and I need for you to just listen because what I have to say is hard for me and I need to tell you all of this.
Over the last week since EMDR, I realize I can't stop the poisen from contaminating my present life. I am trying so hard but I can't stop it and I need your help.
I know you feel I am doing so well and all, and in areas I am doing well. Sometimes I want to believe you that I am okay, but deep down I know there is more that is bothering me.
I feel I am able to trust you because I know you and I need your help. I am not living up to my potential because my past is effecting my future even when I pretend the evil stuff didn't happen to me.
I have a lot of poisen inside of me, stuff that is really aweful, and I don't want to expose you to it, but I have to get it out of me, and I trust with your experience it will be okay to hear it.
I need to do EMDR but it frightens me to death. All my life I have tried to pretend that nothing happened to me. It was for survial physically and mentally, it did make me strong in some ways. But now I have to deal with it. EMDR makes me face it, the stuff I spend decades trying to not remember or believe. I want to live the life I am capable of having. I want a sucessful career and if I will be working with people, I dont' want "my stuff" to get in the way with that work.
I may need you more than ever, I can't just do EMDR one day and then see you in a week, I need a session either right after the EMDR to talk about the sh*t, or the next day.
This week has been very long for me, I am so distracted. I am forgeting to eat meals, I almost got into another car accident today because my mind floats away. I don't care what it will cost because I know that is always a concern for you , but look what the evil poisen had cost me already. I have nobody to help me through this stuff at home, so I need your help more than ever. This will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do, but I am glad I have a T like you to help me. I really need you right now.
Love,
Slugdoo
Posted by LadyBug on July 23, 2007, at 16:36:33
In reply to Dear T ,, posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 15:49:17
When are you going to give this to him? You are determined!
I don't face the issues you face but I know what it feels like to be in mental pain. I become more depressed all the time. I haven't seen my T for a month now and I don't even miss her, or should I say, I don't miss therapy. She is a good person and we've worked so hard together.
Somedays, I want to stop therapy, and see how I do. I'm down and I don't care about much right now. It seems that nothing works out for me EVER!!!!!
I wish you well with this. And for your career, I want good things for you. You can do it.Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by LadyBug on July 23, 2007, at 16:40:16
In reply to Re: Dear T , » slugdoo, posted by LadyBug on July 23, 2007, at 16:36:33
P.S.
You say no one responds, and the reason I don't respond lately is because I'm depressed and my response to you isn't as good as it should be and I don't want to make things harder for you.Sorry, sometimes I can give and other times I dont have it to give.
But I do care about you still the same.
LadyBug
Posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 16:46:42
In reply to Re: Slugdoo, posted by LadyBug on July 23, 2007, at 16:40:16
Thanks so much Ladybug, you have always been so sweet to me. I am going through some depression too, but lately I am feeling better, or maybe it is all the other stuff is on my mind more. hmmm...
You really don't miss your T? That surprised me. Knowing how it feel when you do, maybe it is a good thing. When does your T come back?
Posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 16:48:51
In reply to Re: Dear T , » slugdoo, posted by LadyBug on July 23, 2007, at 16:36:33
> When are you going to give this to him? You are determined!
>
I am thinking of reading this to him, but I am not sure, sometimes it is better if it isn't so well rehearsed. But I am going to ask him to please listen because he sometimes wants to talk about what I say before I am ready. ;-)
Boy am I nervous about tomorrow.
Posted by LadyBug on July 23, 2007, at 18:24:11
In reply to Re: Dear T , » LadyBug, posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 16:48:51
I see her on Thurs. I am tired of being so negative and not feeling like being cheerful. I'm usually a cheerful type person but things in my marriage etc. have really got me down. I've been talking with her for several months about all the crap that's gone on in my marriage and I really don't want to talk about it anymore with her or anyone else either. It's such a roller coaster and things don't go as I plan them. I thought I'd have it made by now, moving etc. and then I changed my mind about all of it and don't know where the heck I'm going now. I just don't want to be with my husband anymore.......I hate him more than I think is possible. It's so over.
I'm in a bad place right now.I hope you are feeling more hopeful. I know your T will help you get through this. I know you are strong and have a lot to work through but you can do it, I've seen you fly before. I know when your down, nothing feels right.
Here's hoping you feel better soon and that you can be rid of the painful memories that cause you so much grief!
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 19:29:53
In reply to Re: Dear T , » slugdoo, posted by LadyBug on July 23, 2007, at 18:24:11
I just don't know if I can do this. I know I need to, but I am so scared right now. Is it safe to open the can of sh*t?
I have yoga and a workout before my session so I hope that will calm me. I no longer have to do physical therapy as of today, so my physical body isn't hurting, now just my mental.
What if I open this can, and I go insane? What if I have to be hospitalized?
What if I can't do it (emdr) because of all the self defenses I have built up over time.
What if my T rejects me, says he can't do that intense therapy (couple time a week). Most of his clients are every other week.
I guess I shouldn't be thinking what if's, but I am thinking WTF am I doing.I put my abuse in a nice neat package , wrapped just so nice with lots of ribbon for reinforcement, in happy colors to cover up the poisen inside. I guess I am a lot like that package too. What if all I am is abuse and when it is unwrapped, there will nothing else. I am so f*cking scared. I have never felt so frightened in my life.
Posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 19:32:23
In reply to The night before, posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 19:29:53
I don't even know what a trigger is anymore.
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 23, 2007, at 19:40:54
In reply to The night before, posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 19:29:53
*WE* know you're not "all abuse," SD. We know that you are a talented, caring, hurting woman. I think you're very brave to tackle this like you are. I don't think it's going to be easy, but I think you have the proper support around you, which I don't believe you've had before in your life, to work your way through the BS that is abuse. I know you can do this, SD, with us and your T by your side.
Posted by Nathan_Arizona on July 23, 2007, at 20:06:41
In reply to The night before, posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 19:29:53
SD,
What you are feeling right now are just emotions. They can not hurt you, overwhelm you, or kill you - they are just emotions.
You are no longer in that abusive environment - you are free. The only thing left is the way you felt/feel about it.
You are brave enough to express it, and your therapist is skilled enough to help you contain it if you begin to feel overwhelmed (I would feel sort of "passie-outie").
It's okay, you can walk through this dark path. It's okay.
Take good care of yourself.
Natie
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 23, 2007, at 20:07:33
In reply to Re: The night before » slugdoo, posted by TherapyGirl on July 23, 2007, at 19:40:54
Dear SlugDoo,
You are a very accomplished woman with big goals for your life and the determination to survive and thrive despite challenges.You are ready for the next big step in your life, and you know that you need your T to be there for you as you take it.
It's scary to have the poison. It's scary to know that it affects your everyday life. It's scary to wonder "will it ever end". But behind the fear is a kind of courage that you WILL get through this. You've been here before, and you'll be here again, but each time it will become less painful. Less devastating. Less incomprehensible.
You are very brave and thoughtful to have these words to share with your T. I hope that you are able to give them to him, or share the big points. They will be important to the kind of treatment that you receive. You need all kinds of support as you process the "poison". Digest it. Metabolize it. Void it.
I know you're strong enough to survive and thrive. This is another one of those challenges. Though it feels foreign and scary, I'm confident that you'll meet it with the grit and determination that comes so easily to you.
Remember that you have to be extra, extra kind to yourself. You need something soothing, distracting, comforting. Something to give your mind a brief respite from digesting poison.
Flowers for you, Doo,
hugs too,
-Ll
Posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 21:59:16
In reply to Re: The night before, posted by Nathan_Arizona on July 23, 2007, at 20:06:41
Don't let the little things get you down as the week gets under way, and do plot your next big advance. Then watch for things to be revealed in any and all areas of your life around Wednesday and Thursday. Or maybe it's you who's ready to let a plan be known or let a cat out of the proverbial bag. Friday or Saturday might find you with less energy than usual. Get extra rest, and try mental and physical exercise to get you going, rather than just another coffee. The stars send reinvigoration for both mind and body your way on Sunday. Plan accordingly
Posted by OzLand on July 23, 2007, at 23:02:50
In reply to The night before, posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 19:29:53
Personally I would say something. If you find out that he won't see you another time during the week, then I guess you know and you also know that things have to slow down then. Maybe only do EMDR for a small part of the session so you can talk about it that day. I cannot imagine a therapist saying no to this, but then my last therapist did, and I had to go find someone else or I would have ended up with the ECT attached to my head again. Sorry; our therapists are all different, but I would think to know is better than to not know. At least I know where I stand when I know even if I don't like what I hear.
Posted by slugdoo on July 24, 2007, at 13:35:50
In reply to Dear T ,, posted by slugdoo on July 23, 2007, at 15:49:17
It went really well. He saw I had the paper in hand so he said he saw it already last week about my sonin the paper. But he didn't see the news interviews so I showed him that. So he saw my DH too because he says stuff too in the interview. I brought him a trumpet flower so he could see what it looked like, but his has finally bloomed at home.
Then he asked about how my week went. I told him really bad, and he said he figured that. Then I told him I needed him to listen me because I had a lot to say and I need to say it. So I got out everything, I struggled a little, but eventually I said it all. He really listened too, didn't even interupt me.
Well we are going to do a EMDR session one day and the next day we will have a talk session. We start in Aug. and I have 4 appointments scehduled this way. I am relived he agreed with me on all I said.
He said I need to be really brave because this is going to be intense. He believes I am in a different place now than 2 years ago. I said it was because I trust him now. He said well that should help.
I talked about the memories that surfaced and he gave me some wonderful insite on even the memories that weren't tramatic but to a kid it was very confusing and I felt shame. I am like wow, so even those minor memories are significate in a way.
I am not sure what we talked about to get to talking aobut this, but he said his governor saw him naked, he was delivered by an ex governor, well I said I was too, delivered by an ex governor. Ottis. T. Bowen. He said well I guess we have both been seen naked by the governor. (different ones) LOL ANd then I said and smacked on the butt too. LOL . It was funny. There are so many weird coincedences between us. Oh yeah, my son got to shake the hand of the ex-governer last week< that how the subject came up.But one thing that kinda caught be off guard was he normally has a very short beard, well he shaved off the sides while on vacation and now just has a mustache and chin coverd in hair. He really looks nice, and much younger too. ;-)
He told me at the end of the session, I really did good today. He normally only tells me that when I tell him "big" or really open up to him.
I do feel good, I am kinda tired, like i need a nap or something. We didn't do emdr today, but we will next time. I am not sure what to think.
Posted by Dinah on July 24, 2007, at 17:00:32
In reply to I am back from T's, posted by slugdoo on July 24, 2007, at 13:35:50
Posted by LadyBug on July 24, 2007, at 20:57:46
In reply to I am back from T's, posted by slugdoo on July 24, 2007, at 13:35:50
Good work today. I'm glad you have goals to work on. It helps a lot. I know you'll grow from this and maybe it will be the work you've needed to do and now is the right time for you and your T to do it.
Take care ok?
LadyBug
Posted by muffled on July 24, 2007, at 22:13:14
In reply to I am back from T's, posted by slugdoo on July 24, 2007, at 13:35:50
sounds like you have a plan and are on the same page.
Thats great!
Hope things go as smoothly as they can for you.
Hang in there.
M
Posted by OzLand on July 24, 2007, at 23:40:57
In reply to I am back from T's, posted by slugdoo on July 24, 2007, at 13:35:50
Wow; I am so happy for you. That took courage I know. It worked out well too. HOORAY! So, this is really good. This shows that there are good therapists out there who don't rigidly stick to some agenda and who can be flexible and not defensive. I really am happy for you.
OzLand
Posted by slugdoo on July 25, 2007, at 19:15:36
In reply to Re: I am back from T's » slugdoo, posted by LadyBug on July 24, 2007, at 20:57:46
Thanks LadyBug,
I think it is the right time, but I am still scared to pieces. I realized my post seemed kinda removed in me discribing what happened, I think I was just so tired. It was a lot more warmer than I discribed.
What I am scared is that it took so much courage to tell him what I needed, but now I will have to "do it" and that is even more courage and I just don't feel it right now. I kinda have the feeling like what did I get myself into now. Yikes. Thanks for all your support, it really helps even when you think it doesn't, just responding means a lot. ;-)
Posted by slugdoo on July 25, 2007, at 19:18:31
In reply to Re: I am back from T's » slugdoo, posted by muffled on July 24, 2007, at 22:13:14
Hey Muffy,
I am still kinda exhausted from yesterday. It was a lot more emotional than I posted. I dont' even know what I want to say. But I am happy you responded to me, that meant a lot.
Posted by slugdoo on July 25, 2007, at 19:20:14
In reply to Re: I am back from T's » slugdoo, posted by OzLand on July 24, 2007, at 23:40:57
> Wow; I am so happy for you. That took courage I know. It worked out well too. HOORAY! So, this is really good. This shows that there are good therapists out there who don't rigidly stick to some agenda and who can be flexible and not defensive. I really am happy for you.
>
> OzLandThanks OzLand,
Yes , my T is a good one, thank goodness. ;-) It did take courage to tell him what I needed, but now I am asked I even asked because now the real stuff happends. Yikes!
This is the end of the thread.
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