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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 10:50:16
Just posted cuz I got noone to tell.
I can't seem to get anything done.
I'm stuck in treacle.
Hard to move, think, care.
I don't think I will ever KNOW why I am the way I am.
And while I am glad of this on some levels, it is also very hard. Cuz who am I?
Most have a history of growing up and stuff and maybe who they are. I have a big black blank.
Sometimes I can remember bits, or I think I do. Nothing much. Just small flashes of memory, so brief I dunno what they even are. Or sometimes my siblings will talk of stuff and I vaguely remember. But then I get fearful. And there's no reason why????
My T/ex T is away. Soon I go away on trip in a trailer.
I supposed to be getting ready.
I miss T bad, but I dunno if I should go back, cuz I dunno that she takes command enuf...she leaves it to me and I am lost so much of the time, so we seem to not get very far. And sometimes we would start on something, but by next week it'd be gone out of our heads. So its lost.
I can't easily find another T. They are too expensive for psychologists. I haven't got the energy. My old T is familiar to me, and kind. But she away alot too it seems. Or mebbe thats just me. But she not there if I need her. One time she said 'i'm there for you', but she's NOT. Is she here now? No.OFTEN she is not. Even when she here, its only Tues-Fri, then she is dead to me. I am ALONE. What good is she? She is NOT 'there' for me. I can't let her in cuz she is not. Mebbe THATS the prob. Noone is, or mebbe they are but I am incapable of letting go. I am to be forever haunted, hunted, by ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Did I mention having an L tattooed on my forehead? I trust noone, fear everything.
I dunno what to do.
I wanna drink and thats REAL bad.
I just gonna keep forcing my way ahead I guess.
Sucks.
Sucks.
Sucks.
I am SUCH an idiot, why can't I just suck it up and move on?
Sometimes I hate myself for who I am.
I have it made.
Cept unfortunately our berry crop was first burned by a heat wave, then its continuously rained for many days....its getting hard to pick cuz of rot. I dread going out there. So thats ALOT of $$$ lost for us this year. AND we taking this trip, so thats gonna proly cost us a few grand....
Our roof desprately needs to be done. Several leaks, which I have patched, but it just gets worse.
I have many bills unpaid, cuz I don't open mail.
Income tax for YEARS not done.
Claims for money comming to us that I haven't filed, so we not get it, this is proly thousands of dollars going out the door.
God I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO idiotic.
F*CK this.
I want OUT.
But there is NO way out.
No escape externally, and no escape from the cesspool that is my mind.
I feel like I will never be free.
And its ALL my own fault and noone elses.
I am my own worst enemy and nightmare.
The ONLY reason I am here is cuz of my kids.
Sorry to anyone who actually read this crap.
M
Posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 10:55:44
In reply to Totally negative SH*T, don't goto read this..., posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 10:50:16
What DO people talk about?
Like if they don't got T's, then do they talk to 'friends'?
If so WHAT do they say?
I am not allowed to show weakness, so that is limiting.
What do other people do?
M
Posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 11:00:56
In reply to Totally negative SH*T, don't goto read this..., posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 10:50:16
says you can call her colleague(who I don't know from sh*t, and who is male..) or call 911 or goto emergency room.
She'll be back in office on the 31 st.
Thats it.
So if you feeling sh*tty what you supposed to do?
Stew I guess.
Or.....
?
?
?
?
?
F*cking I goto go pix berries now.
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 21, 2007, at 11:45:26
In reply to Totally negative SH*T, don't goto read this..., posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 10:50:16
You're in a bad place for sure, Muffly, and I'm sorry. Wish there was some way I could make it better for you.
The trip seems kind of like not great timing. Do you have to go? Is there any way to do a shorter trip?
(((((((((((Muffled)))))))))))))
Posted by JoniS on July 21, 2007, at 11:55:32
In reply to Totally negative SH*T, don't goto read this..., posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 10:50:16
Muffled,
I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time. One thing I've noticed is that you are a very compssionate, caring person. You always show love and encouragement to those in need. You need to hold on to all those positive things, and do more of the things you enjoy.
I don't know what to say, but sorry you're having a difficult time. I'll be thinking of you.
(((((((((Muffled))))))))))
Joni
Posted by Poet on July 21, 2007, at 18:04:32
In reply to What IS 'normal'????, posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 10:55:44
Hi Muffled,
I'm not sure what normal is though picking berries seems to be a pretty normal. What kind? I have red raspberries in my yard.
I remember my childhood and actually hold a grudge against a girl I played with when I was about six. I'm not terribly sure remembering growing up is such a great thing, at least not for me. My T keeps harping that I need to learn to let go of things, but I just can't.
Are you thinking of calling your old T when she's back? Maybe she could at least help you find a new one that works on a sliding scale so you don't have to pay the full insurance price. I know how hard that would be, I just thought I'd put it out there.
Happy berry picking and future trailering.
Poet
Posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 20:25:42
In reply to Re: Totally negative SH*T, don't goto read this... » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on July 21, 2007, at 11:45:26
> You're in a bad place for sure, Muffly, and I'm sorry. Wish there was some way I could make it better for you.
>
> The trip seems kind of like not great timing. Do you have to go? Is there any way to do a shorter trip?
>
> (((((((((((Muffled)))))))))))))**Thx for hugs TG.
back atcha ((((((((((((TG))))))))))))
I know you struggling too :-(
You make it better by listening to me, so you DO help. Thanks.
The trip, or getting ready is stressing me, if only cuz its a mark on the calendar, and it reminds me of all the stuff I SHOULD be doing, and am not...
But the trip itself should be OK.
Good to be away from home.
I don't like being home.
But we did clean some today. Got kids room all cleaned and fresh linen on their beds. Its a big job cuz they got so many stuffies and asst crap on their beds. They share a small room so there's not alot of places to keep their crapola to themselves.
So today wasn't a total loss.
I was thinking of leaving a message on my T's voicemail, and just say "this sucks, this really sucks", and leave it at that, she'll recognize my voice. Dunno though, mebbe I should sever all connection :-(
Thanks TG, hope things going reasonably OK w/you.
M
Posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 20:29:46
In reply to Re: Totally negative » muffled, posted by JoniS on July 21, 2007, at 11:55:32
> I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time. One thing I've noticed is that you are a very compssionate, caring person. You always show love and encouragement to those in need. You need to hold on to all those positive things, and do more of the things you enjoy.
>
> I don't know what to say, but sorry you're having a difficult time. I'll be thinking of you.
>
> (((((((((Muffled))))))))))
>
> Joni***awwwww, thx Joni. Are you new to me? There's been so many name changes I not sure of much these days. But I have enjoyed reading your posts. Thanks for your nice post to me here. Its truly appreciated, I'll take all support I can get. I can't seem to ask for it IRL. Dunno why.
I'll be OK, I always am (I hope...) so far anyways...I just keep going and going.
Thanks again and you take care,
Muffled
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 21, 2007, at 21:02:16
In reply to Thanks » TherapyGirl, posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 20:25:42
I'm hanging in there, Muffled. Not a great session this week, but...
I think if you're thinking about calling your T and leaving that message, you should do it. I don't think you're quite ready to sever all ties with her, even if that doesn't mean that you go back to therapy with her.
Sounds like you got a lot accomplished today. I'm glad the trip will be okay once you get to it. I'll keep you in my thoughts, especially between now and then.
Posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 22:17:01
In reply to Re: What IS 'normal'???? » muffled, posted by Poet on July 21, 2007, at 18:04:32
>
> I'm not sure what normal is though picking berries seems to be a pretty normal. What kind? I have red raspberries in my yard.**:-) yup we got rasps too!
> I remember my childhood and actually hold a grudge against a girl I played with when I was about six. I'm not terribly sure remembering growing up is such a great thing, at least not for me. My T keeps harping that I need to learn to let go of things, but I just can't.**sigh, that sounds hard too.
> Are you thinking of calling your old T when she's back? Maybe she could at least help you find a new one that works on a sliding scale so you don't have to pay the full insurance price. I know how hard that would be, I just thought I'd put it out there.**yeah, I'll proly call...
> Happy berry picking and future trailering.**thanks Poet, I always love to 'see' you here :-)
Muffled
Posted by muffled on July 23, 2007, at 1:49:08
In reply to Re: Thanks » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on July 21, 2007, at 21:02:16
Posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2007, at 21:18:12
In reply to Totally negative SH*T, don't goto read this..., posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 10:50:16
Hi muffly,
I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. It sounds like you have good reason to be stressed right now. As for the money stuff, could you ask your husband to start keeping track of the bills because you don't feel up to it? Hang in there. This too shall pass.sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2007, at 21:19:30
In reply to What IS 'normal'????, posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 10:55:44
I don't explain much to my friends about how I'm feeling. I'll tell them if I'm feeling not great, but I usually won't elaborate, except with my best friend who I feel safe telling. Trust is a hard thing to build, and it can take a long time. Don't feel like you have to tell your friends, but know that they will probably react well if you do.
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on July 24, 2007, at 23:03:43
In reply to Re: What IS 'normal'???? » muffled, posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2007, at 21:19:30
> I don't explain much to my friends about how I'm feeling. I'll tell them if I'm feeling not great, but I usually won't elaborate, except with my best friend who I feel safe telling. Trust is a hard thing to build, and it can take a long time. Don't feel like you have to tell your friends, but know that they will probably react well if you do.
>
> sunnydays**Oddly enuf my hubby avoids paperwork too....which is why its gotten SO bad...
They proly would be OK I guess...
I just never done it B4...
Don't even really do it w/T, I just write...
(((SD)))
thanks for your support :-)
M
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