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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on September 13, 2007, at 23:17:18
i am flipping out. i am so scared.
i waded through work and feel stupid... very stupid. Like not smart enough to be doing it.
i said "no" for all of you from chat who know what i am talking about. i am terrified now. what if it's the wrong choice? i could lose my ability to pay for T!!
i am scared. scared of losing him. scared of having him. scared *of* him. scared of telling him even the little bits i told him today.
today was the first real day of any past stuff. maybe that is why i am freaked out now? i left feeling very sick. worried i should not have said anything, or that the stuff i said was too stupid. i'm an adult now... like, grow up and suck it up right?
i felt good about being connected with him again... but now more scared than ever about losing him. What if he gets ripped away from me once i am in the middle of the past stuff? What if he leaves me standing there alone? i had something like that happen before and i can't survive it happening again.
i wanted to call him and tell him but i haven't gotten over that phone call thing yet.
scared. just plain scared.
please... please... let me have what i need from someone emotionally... please let me have him as long as i need him. please..
Posted by muffled on September 13, 2007, at 23:47:52
In reply to now i am freaked out ** triggers*, posted by Dory on September 13, 2007, at 23:17:18
((Dory))
You are an amazing person, and you don't give yourself nearly enuf credit for that IMHO.
I too hope you don't lose your t.
But for now, you have him.
You have someone to *help* you sort your 'stuff'.
The keyword being 'help'.
T's guide us and listen and help, but ultimately, it is us clients that have to do the painful thing of exposing our insides....
The fact that you have done as much as you have w/T shows you are a very brave person. T is hard and scarey.
Specially the day after T, like that thread, its always worst the day after it seems...
But your T is still there.
You can learn to trust that.
You can learn that you survived before, you will survive again.
That you got a core inside of you that keeps you going.
And its a strong wonderful core.
I understand your freakedness I think.
But much of it is emotions, and emotions DO ease up with time. Other times when its seemed unbearable, I have seen you get thru it, and while it feels like sh*t, you know the intensity will ease.
You a goodun Dory.
Take special care of yourself.
I always love to see you posting.
Muffled
Posted by Wittgenstein on September 14, 2007, at 1:11:10
In reply to Re: now i am freaked out ** triggers*, posted by muffled on September 13, 2007, at 23:47:52
It's hard to follow Muffled's beautiful post.
First (((((Dory))))). You're not incapable, stupid or any of the other put-downs you paid yourself in your post. And no, please don't 'just suck it up' - your feelings, including your fears, need the time they deserve from you and your T.
Muffled is right, you're a "good 'un" :) - but I also believe your T is a "good 'un" too who will stick by you through all the stuff from your past - this is the beginning of a journey together. You are being so brave to begin sharing these things with your T. Please don't put yourself down - you are showing great courage, don't punish yourself for sharing things that need to be shared - it's not a matter of 'just growing up', you know that?!
You'd have to laugh at me at this moment if you could see me. I'm sitting here with sun-glasses and PJ in the living room (not my normal get-up but have migraine - hope no-one pays an unexpected visit).
I know your YES/NO decision must have been very tough but you considered the options carefully and you know best your situation.
Give yourself a treat today - you deserve it - muffins or something 'lekker' (tasty in Dutch) - I'll send you some tasty Dutch cyber-stroopwafels in the mean time.
Take care (((Dory)))
Witti
Posted by pegasus on September 14, 2007, at 9:32:37
In reply to Re: now i am freaked out ** triggers*, posted by Wittgenstein on September 14, 2007, at 1:11:10
Hey Dory,
I think it's OK to be freaking out when you've just started such vulnerable work in therapy. I know it's really hard, and really scary. I wish I knew how to help you with that, but I don't really. But I feel your anxiety, and I am wishing for you that you find a way through it. Hang in there, and let us know how things unfold for you. I think babble will be here for a really long time, so that's a bit of security that maybe you can hang on to.
peg
Posted by muffled on September 14, 2007, at 23:45:25
In reply to now i am freaked out ** triggers*, posted by Dory on September 13, 2007, at 23:17:18
Posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 0:13:49
In reply to Re: now i am freaked out ** triggers* » Wittgenstein, posted by pegasus on September 14, 2007, at 9:32:37
you guys are sweet.. thank you. (((guys)))
right now i am completely loaded. drunk beyond belief. hahaha.. ok, not funny haha, but haha
My T says i laugh everything off... i said it was ad efense and he said that..about laughing it off i mean. oh boy. very drunk. That;s a defense too.. drinky makey painy go bye bye.
but on the britght side... i was socializing like T said i should. i didn't just stay home and hide like i wanted to. i would have hid and been soakd up in misery and fear... so instead i shook my booty a little and drank too much. not so bad right?
i am still freaked out. trying hard not to think. i am really overwhelmed by fear..not supposed to tell.
"when they ask you don't tell them anything"
omg.. what can i do? i didn't tell... i swear i didn't
i am really in trouble... seriously. no idea if i can keep seeing T in the long term. Do i talk or no?
i think about the session... what i did say, and what i didn't. i don't think about the past. i think about *telling.* i feel weird... like not myself somehow. very weird. not liking.
i am an adult. this is stupid.
Posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 11:18:03
In reply to Re: now i am freaked out ** triggers*, posted by Dory on September 15, 2007, at 0:13:49
arguing. like two people arguing.
say
don’t say
say same as tell? yes? maybe? no?
very conflicted
why? doesn’t matter anyway
it does. it doesn’t.
it’s stupid
don’t feel like myself
hard to focus and think right
feels like “slipping away”
stop. just stop. just be quiet.
This is the end of the thread.
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