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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 15, 2007, at 19:47:05
I feel unstable. I can't put my finger on it. I don't know who I am. I don't know what to do or how to do nothing.
T says that one thing that he's noticed is that I tend to give myself a hard time because i have some idea or ideal of what to be. That being a certain person involves the whole package- having a certain occupation, a certain lifestyle etc. That I shouldn't strive to be what I'm not, who I'm not and embrace who I am.
Who AM I?
I'm not what I do. That much is clear. I work in a coffee shop and write on psychobabble and knit and write scholarly articles. That would make me a crazy knitting caffeinated author. Not exactly my image of myself.
I'm not what I ought to do. That much is clear. When I tried to steer myself into a career trajectory for which I had been trained, the psychic revulsion was tangible and threatening.
I'm not what I want to do. What if my dreams never come true. Will I cease to be? doubtful.
Maybe I am the 2nd derivative- change itself. rather than being a line, I will embrace the sense of being some parabola or accelerating body. Change over time is my only definition. Doubt that T meant to frame my existence in terms of calculus, but there you have it.
looks like I'm not the only one hitting the xanax tonight.
I just ate a chicken. Therefore I am.
-Ll
Posted by muffled on September 15, 2007, at 21:42:14
In reply to things don't feel right, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 15, 2007, at 19:47:05
> I feel unstable. I can't put my finger on it. I don't know who I am. I don't know what to do or how to do nothing.
**ahhh, welcome to my world...
> T says that one thing that he's noticed is that I tend to give myself a hard time because i have some idea or ideal of what to be. That being a certain person involves the whole package- having a certain occupation, a certain lifestyle etc. That I shouldn't strive to be what I'm not, who I'm not and embrace who I am.
>
> Who AM I?
>
> I'm not what I do. That much is clear. I work in a coffee shop and write on psychobabble and knit and write scholarly articles. That would make me a crazy knitting caffeinated author. Not exactly my image of myself.**Hmmmmm...... NO COMMENT!!!!LOL!!!!
*I'm a crazy turning in circles, trying to be good and act normal but failing, overweight, lazy, inconsistant, NOT cool, mom. Acccck. THIS was NOT my dream....
I think I need to mourn the loss of all my dreams...
And come up with some new ones...
>
> I'm not what I ought to do. That much is clear. When I tried to steer myself into a career trajectory for which I had been trained, the psychic revulsion was tangible and threatening.
>
> I'm not what I want to do. What if my dreams never come true. Will I cease to be? doubtful.
>
> Maybe I am the 2nd derivative- change itself. rather than being a line, I will embrace the sense of being some parabola or accelerating body. Change over time is my only definition. Doubt that T meant to frame my existence in terms of calculus, but there you have it.
>
> looks like I'm not the only one hitting the xanax tonight.
>
> I just ate a chicken. Therefore I am.**I ate sushi, therefore I am too.
I am the sum of who I am.
Put all my peices together and that is me.
Far too complicated.
Just trying to make it thru.
One day at a time.
One hour at a time.
One second at a time.
Being a socially acceptable useful member of society.
A work in progress.
Ever growing, ever changing.
Sometimes falling backwards with a crash.
Sometimes crawling ahead, sometimes running!
Sometimes, lotsa times, just plain lost.
Posted by llurpsieNoodle on September 16, 2007, at 9:36:02
In reply to Re: things don't feel right, posted by muffled on September 15, 2007, at 21:42:14
>Being a socially acceptable useful member of society.
that's pretty good goal. I think it's so hard to tell the difference between goals and dreams sometimes.
((((muff)))) thanks for responding.
-Ll
Posted by Poet on September 16, 2007, at 14:11:57
In reply to things don't feel right, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 15, 2007, at 19:47:05
Hi Ll,
I just ate a turkey BLT, therefore I am a turkey. Though my legs do resemble drumsticks.
You wrote: That being a certain person involves the whole package- having a certain occupation, a certain lifestyle etc. That I shouldn't strive to be what I'm not, who I'm not and embrace who I am.
I have that problem, too. I am trying again for that "certain occupation" the one that will give me all that self esteem and pay well. I've been through this so many times before and frankly failed miserably. Or is it that I was left in miserable failure. My T tries her hardest to get me to say "I don't have the job of my dreams, but I'm okay where I am." That doesn't stick in my head as well as I am going to fail again.
I'm feeling this way because I finished my classes in July and have convinced myself that I should have a high paying job in that field. Have your feelings of not having what you think you should have become more intensified since you got your doctorate?
Take care and I hope the xanax helped.
Poet
Posted by Sigismund on September 16, 2007, at 15:35:28
In reply to Re: things don't feel right » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Poet on September 16, 2007, at 14:11:57
>I work in a coffee shop and write on psychobabble and knit and write scholarly articles.
This isn't my image of you either.
Perhaps the tea-drinking cat-owning knitter is an elaborate disguise? .
Posted by arora on September 16, 2007, at 15:44:11
In reply to things don't feel right, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 15, 2007, at 19:47:05
I think I know what you're getting at- lately I keep worrying about "Who Am I"? Most days I just don't know.
I worry about being 'real'... and I try to understand that bit about "To thine own self be true"- but then, I'm not entirely sure who my own self is, anyway.Like; just as an example-
I go into the shop to buy a blouse or something.
I see one I instantly like- then I start worrying- do I REALLY like it? Do I like it because it's trendy? Because I think I ought to like it, and because I've been brainwashed by the fashion industry? Do I like it because it says to the world I'm a particular type of person? Do I like it because my inner child is attracted to the bright gaudy colors and is essentially tasteless? (Or- if she's in Wednesday Adams persona, she's having a goth day and black is GOOD!) WhyWhyWhy?I leave the shop without buying anything because I've so confused myself I couldn't tell you if I like the damn thing or not.
arora
Posted by Sigismund on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:38
In reply to Re: things don't feel right, posted by arora on September 16, 2007, at 15:44:11
>I leave the shop without buying anything because I've so confused myself I couldn't tell you if I like the damn thing or not.
You've done very well.
You could have done worse.
What you could have done is to buy what you didn't want so that the others wouldn't get upset.
Now don't ask me who the others are, because I don't know either.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on September 16, 2007, at 21:03:06
In reply to Re: things don't feel right » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Poet on September 16, 2007, at 14:11:57
Hiya poet
>I'm feeling this way because I finished my classes in July and have convinced myself that I should have a high paying job in that field. Have your feelings of not having what you think you should have become more intensified since you got your doctorate?
>well, I've been somewhat unsatisfied in my scholarly pursuits, thus the possibility of staying in academia was not appealing on a good day and nauseating on a bad day. Things have intensified since I got a little distance. I feel more settled since I decided what I want to do with my life (about 5 weeks ago). I still have to make it happen, but I'm taking a post-doc training class to see if it's for me. I hope things work out.
But yeah, T is right, I am definitely still trying things out. I feel like I've been following this groove for my entire life and then it ended abruptly leaving me alone and static in an empty field without landmarks. Terrifying.
Xanax helped. better than the alternatives, and has a shorter halflife than self-injury.
T said that where I work is not who I am, but something I do. (very different things). How do you feel about that- is your job YOU, or is it just something you DO?
In abstract terms... fine, T, sure I get it. But in real life, it's hard to separate our "selves" from what we find ourselves doing all day.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 16, 2007, at 21:04:11
In reply to Re: things don't feel right, posted by Sigismund on September 16, 2007, at 15:35:28
> >I work in a coffee shop and write on psychobabble and knit and write scholarly articles.
>
> This isn't my image of you either.
> Perhaps the tea-drinking cat-owning knitter is an elaborate disguise? .You're right. I am a pixie giant with cat barf on my quilt.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 16, 2007, at 21:09:18
In reply to Re: things don't feel right, posted by arora on September 16, 2007, at 15:44:11
I hate that feeling of wondering what REAL is. I have very different realities depending on mood, or who I'm with, or whether I ate my breakfast or not.
How can reality be so different depending on whether I'm hungry or not?
I have little problem picking out clothes lately. Mostly I have trouble paying for them :)
This is the end of the thread.
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