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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by meme3842 on May 22, 2008, at 22:38:02
Hi, Everyone
I'm relatively new to this posting thing, but I have been reading peoples' posts about their experiences in therapy and am amazed by how supportive everyone is. So I think I feel comfortable enough to ask my question.I was in therapy for about five years. Over that period I was finally able to connect to her, and we made a lot of progress. She really helped me with family issues, nurturing, and all that stuff therapists do. Then I had to move across the country. I moved to my current location about five years ago. So technically I haven't been in therapy with her in many years. But I miss her, still. I miss her tremendously. And I think something is a little wrong if you can't let go of someone. I have her email, and every once in a while I say hi or let her know what's going on with me, but of course, that's not the same.
I have a therapist here, and it's going okay. She knows that i am still attached to my previous therapist, but she hasn't quite given me any ideas on what I can do about letting the former therapist go.
So I was wondering if this has happened to anyone, or if they have an idea of how to let go of a therapist.
Posted by Dinah on May 23, 2008, at 9:16:10
In reply to question about letting go of a therapist, posted by meme3842 on May 22, 2008, at 22:38:02
If she wasn't your therapist, would you still think you should let go of her? If she was someone you felt close to for another reason?
Does missing her interfere with your life in significant ways?
There are people who are gone in my life that I will always miss a lot. I still think of my father every day.
It's always my opinion that feelings just are. Fighting them, trying not to think of them, just fix them more firmly. It's like trying not to think of a pink elephant. Behaviors are different. So I suppose the only idea I have is to acknowledge that you care about her, and you miss her, and that the empty place where she once was will hurt as much as it hurts. Then work with your therapist if your grief is interfering with your ability to engage in enjoyable activities or to fulfill your responsibilities.
That's just my own opinion, based on my own experiences.
Posted by Dinah on May 23, 2008, at 9:17:05
In reply to question about letting go of a therapist, posted by meme3842 on May 22, 2008, at 22:38:02
Welcome to Babble. I'm glad you decided to post. :)
Posted by myrtledog on May 23, 2008, at 10:07:55
In reply to Re: question about letting go of a therapist » meme3842, posted by Dinah on May 23, 2008, at 9:17:05
I found that really helpful too. If someone is important to you and has a place in your heart, they are important whether they are a therapist or not. I, too, hope that acknowledging the hurt makes it easier. I'm in the same boat
Posted by Phillipa on May 23, 2008, at 12:35:57
In reply to Re: question about letting go of a therapist, posted by myrtledog on May 23, 2008, at 10:07:55
Agree even though some may say it's ridiculous I died a bit when my Brandy and Sheeba my little dogs die and think of them daily. My little babies. Sorry to get off track and yes welcome to babble. Phillipa
Posted by Nadezda on May 23, 2008, at 15:37:32
In reply to Re: question about letting go of a therapist » meme3842, posted by Dinah on May 23, 2008, at 9:16:10
Hi, Meme.
My reaction was like Dinah's-- that we miss people when they mean a lot to us. There's no way, or need, to get rid of that. You may need to accept that you can't see her, and that that's a loss-- you may think of her sometimes, for a long time, and still feel the missing-- but if it isn't interfering with your connection with your new T, or keeping you from living in the present-- it's just part of caring for someone.
At least, that's how I see it. Therapists are people-- even though some people put them into a different category somehow, they really are just people with whom we often have intimate and important relationships, even if of a unique kind.
Nadezda
Posted by meme3842 on May 23, 2008, at 16:19:18
In reply to Re: question about letting go of a therapist, posted by Nadezda on May 23, 2008, at 15:37:32
Thanks everyone. I guess that I feel it's a little abnormal to miss your therapist so much, especially after so long. My father's deceased and I think about him every day, but I don't long in the same way that I long for therapist. And he died when I was fairly young. It's seems really bizarre to me. And that's partly why I got the therapist here, because it kind of does affect my life. I can function, such as go to work, but some days the missing is so intense it makes me depressed. I feel kind of stuck in it. Maybe it's an extended form of grief... Or maybe I just think too much. :)
Posted by lucie lu on May 31, 2008, at 19:22:51
In reply to question about letting go of a therapist, posted by meme3842 on May 22, 2008, at 22:38:02
Hi meme- it sounds to me as if you are experiencing unresolved or ambiguous grief. You sound so sad about that previous relationship. There is some information - e.g. I know that Pauline Boss has written at least one book on ambiguous loss, which includes loss of people who are important to you and alive but unavailable. It is only natural to grieve those that we love who are no longer with us. Where it becomes a problem is when you cannot move on after a reasonable amount of time. My T says that holding onto such grief can be a way of keeping the connection alive when other means fail. I think that it a wise observation. Can you perhaps get in touch with her and trade emails or snail-mails occasionally or even on an infrequent, but regular basis? If this doesn't satisfy your need, then perhaps she has fulfilled a need in you that remains lacking in your life? If so, you should explore this with your present T. I feel for you. -LL
Posted by meme3842 on June 6, 2008, at 22:58:49
In reply to Re: question about letting go of a therapist » meme3842, posted by lucie lu on May 31, 2008, at 19:22:51
Hi, Lucie Lu
I've never thought about it as ambigous grief, but that makes sense to me. Thank you for the book recommendation. I'll check out the book by Pauline Boss I've just started to open up to my current therapist about feeling the longing. I think she is being to understand. I hope so anyway...well, she hasn't told me I'm crazy yet, so that's a good sign. What's is funny/ironic about it all is that it's difficult to express to people in my day to day life that I miss my therapist, and yet, it's such a big loss.
Thanks,
Meme> Hi meme- it sounds to me as if you are experiencing unresolved or ambiguous grief. You sound so sad about that previous relationship. There is some information - e.g. I know that Pauline Boss has written at least one book on ambiguous loss, which includes loss of people who are important to you and alive but unavailable. It is only natural to grieve those that we love who are no longer with us. Where it becomes a problem is when you cannot move on after a reasonable amount of time. My T says that holding onto such grief can be a way of keeping the connection alive when other means fail. I think that it a wise observation. Can you perhaps get in touch with her and trade emails or snail-mails occasionally or even on an infrequent, but regular basis? If this doesn't satisfy your need, then perhaps she has fulfilled a need in you that remains lacking in your life? If so, you should explore this with your present T. I feel for you. -LL
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