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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on June 8, 2008, at 12:11:25
I don't know if I will be able to post this, my computer is having connection issues, the repair guy is coming tomorrow.
But I am feeling my anxiety growing, it is Father's Day next weekend, and normally me and my kids plan a fun day for my DH. His other kids(adults) want to take him out for dinner this year probably without me and my kids of course. They haven't done anything for years, so we usually plan without them now because they haven't come when we invited them for years now. The same exclusion thing again with them because one of them still have problems accepting her dad has remarried and has a family now. A lot of bad baggage of hurt has come from this stepdaughter of my mine, she has hurt the entire family including her own siblings. Well now she and my DH are trying to patch things up. Which I am happy for. But she is up to her old tricks again, wanting her dad all to herself. Kinda like a denial thing.
Well my kids do a lot of special things for him, and it has become a tradition. I told my DH that they could come to the brunch before the ballgame or both, but my daughter has a special dinner planned for us 4.
I feel like such the bad guy for saying Hey, you should respect your daughter, the one who lives with you, to allow her tradition to continue with you and this dinner. She doesn't want to cook for everyone, 4(us) and up to 10 extra if the rest came. But I could handle a brunch with everyone, but my daughter wants to do this special dinner.In the beginning we always had to plan our celebrations and holidays around them, when they could come. But now, we feel like we are just as deserving to have our traditional family stuff, and they can work around us some. I think since they want to take him out to dinner they should do it another day, and let my daughter plan her small traditional dinner. They are welcome to come to the brunch and game, I think that is making a good compromise. I just hate when this all happens, and we are expected to give up everything with our family, to accommodate them.
I see my T on Tuesday to talk to him about this, but in the meantime I feel my anxiety building and I am tired of being the bad guy here. Am I being selfish here?
Posted by Phillipa on June 8, 2008, at 12:14:17
In reply to old stepfamily issues making me anxious, posted by Happyflower on June 8, 2008, at 12:11:25
Can you do both? That would solve the problem???? Love Phillipa
Posted by backseatdriver on June 8, 2008, at 12:48:04
In reply to Re: old stepfamily issues making me anxious » Happyflower, posted by Phillipa on June 8, 2008, at 12:14:17
Oh, Happyflower. What a pickle. I don't think you're being selfish. You've come up with a lot of creative options and you've clearly articulated your needs.
I sort of dislike these Hallmark holidays, because of the pressure they put on families. We don't live in the 1950s anymore, with simple little nuclear families on the Cleaver model. Families are *complex.* (Why is there no StepFather's Day? )
I'm a stepdaughter myself. I still feel like I have lost my family of origin, and also that I have lost my father, who has a new partner with a family of her own. So complicated. Which is all just to say, these situations can be so hard.
Posted by backseatdriver on June 8, 2008, at 12:49:00
In reply to Re: old stepfamily issues making me anxious » Phillipa, posted by backseatdriver on June 8, 2008, at 12:48:04
Posted by muffled on June 8, 2008, at 17:38:57
In reply to old stepfamily issues making me anxious, posted by Happyflower on June 8, 2008, at 12:11:25
Stand your ground HF. Family traditions are important. The same thing will just come up NEXT year, so stand your ground.
Brunch for all is a great idea.
If SD wants dad to herself, maybe they can plan something for another day, or if it gets ugly, then let SD go to brunch w/Dad by herself, offer to do ballgame all together, and supper just with you 4.
That seems fair and equitable to all parties and maintains the special dinner.
Its a shame to lose the brunch, but it might be what you have to do....
Thats my fatheaded thots as an objective observer...
Hope this can work out w/out too much unhappiness.
M
Posted by rskontos on June 9, 2008, at 14:03:09
In reply to Re: old stepfamily issues making me anxious, posted by muffled on June 8, 2008, at 17:38:57
I agree with muffled. That compromise while isn't great is a compromise. It is hard. What does your H say?
rsk
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