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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happee_place on June 14, 2008, at 1:49:58
Im sorry this might not be postin this in the right board. Im new here , have been browsing and trying to decide if i should post about what im about to post. Ive decided too obviously but realize everyone is in a sensitive state of mind and i dont want to put this in the wrong spot so please redirect it if need be.
Honestly this could be posted on any of the following ; Social, Meds, Substance abuse, realtionship, probably writing? I guess im posting this here because im hoping someone can suggest a great mecation for me. Do i have anxiety? Depression? Something bad is wrong with me thats all i know.I just dont know anymore.
Im gonna try to keep this as short and sweet as possible in case someone here can offer some great advice but it might be long.
So ive been struggling with depression on and off for years. Ive had REALLY bad years and really great years. The bads i never thought would end it was always so hard for me to understand how someone could get so friggen low. And the good years i looked back on the bad and thought "holy **** God never let that happen again."
So i worked really hard on myself for a good 4 years 99-2003. I went to treatment (anorexia) i went to thousands of counseling appointments, literrally almost moved into church i was there so often. Finally felt better in 2003 met my husband in 2003, had 2 kids everything was great i figured my kids distracted me and i would never have to deal with depression again and was thanking my lucky stars because if i had it while around my own kids i wouldnt know what to do.
Caught my husband doing meth 1.5 years ago and everything with me has gone to sh*t. Slowly but surley im back to my lowest low and im terrified. My husband is healthy & not using. But that didnt make it better. The trust factor and how it changed me and my ideal for marriage shattered and i can not pick up the pieces im honestly a big big mess.
Through out the years of depression ive been taking antidepresents paxil for 4 then i think neorontin or whatevr they perscribed me in treatment. then paxil then quite then zoloft hated it then wellbutrin LOVED it then more bad stuff happend in my family this year and ive been getting worse and worse and worse to the point im at now. My dr. just switched me to Lamictal (took me off wellb) but its makeing me gain and im trippin on that because im a recovered anorexic. I miss the wellbutrin for that aspect.
Part of me thinks the wellb is the factor that made me such a bitch with such a short fuse but i would take that back to not have to deal with the weight factor.
My biggest concern is my relationship with my husband. I think i resent him so much it is tearing us apart. All that he has put me through on top of his personality which is an avoidance type make me feel like im about to have a breakdown. It seems the more honest i try to be about how much im struggling the more he pulls away and makes me feel like a total freak. Then i let my emotions out (that is ok to do in marriage isnt it?) and he says NOTHING which makes me go to anger quickly and rage not far away. And picture this he = stares at me, doesnt say a word walks away. A day or two will go by, life goes on and nothing ever gets resolved. and so it goes and considering my past and past year and a half im declining declining. Im crying right now because to put this out in cyber space makes it so real even though you dont know me. F"UCK.
Honestly part of me has always thought its ok we are newly married we are working out the kinks he is younger than me (9 yrs) and isnt completley emotionally mature, ill be fine ill just change my meds. etc....
BUT right now and more recently my thought pattern has been consitent in the way of needing to by my favorite diet pill lose lose lose A couple months ago i went to a club and took ectasy something i hadnt done in years. It was amazing to feel that great, to dance all night to let all that crazy music in and croud out all the f***ing constant noise in my head and its the ONLY thing i have been looking forward to doing again as soon as possible.
So dont know where to go what to do from here. I walk around everyday making everyone think everything is just fine then i come home cant fuction cant stop thinking cant stop crying, my poor kids can finally see me coming undone on the outside and that breaks my heart. I feel like a failure as a parent, i cant make myself go to work.
last night one of the worst things happend. my husband came home later than he usually does, not too odd but when i asked him why he was late is what was odd. He eventually told me the whole story but it didnt add up in my heart just like his old bull sh*t stories never addied up. We have worked hard to rebuild trust, i thought he understood if anything ever happend again it would be over which he does know which is why he would lie to me. When he lies its rediculous like if you were sitting in front of me right now i would tell you 'no im not typeing on this psycho bablle forum that doesnt even make sense.' He says things like that calm as day that make you feel like a lunatic. When he 'explained' why he was late each time explaining it it sounded more and more calm and i kept getting more and more enraged it turned into one of those moments we used to have. Its like the whole room fell out from under me and i felt like no f*king way here we are again? But he kept responding with the 'no babe i dont know what your talking about tone and look on his face'
For the first time in almost 2 years i had this sick feeling not a paranoid feeling but like this sick nasty feeling like something in my soul telling me he was lyeing. And i recognized that feeling so well i hopped up and got sick. I couldnt sleep for the rest of the night and cant stop thinking about it. I dont know how much i can possilby take. I dont know what to do.
Its been slow in coming but now i see how big it is - cant stop the snowball that ive always hated in my life so much.
needless to say ***I'M F**KING TERRIFIED.***
please someone tell me what to do.
Posted by backseatdriver on June 14, 2008, at 9:50:41
In reply to **Freaking Terrified**, posted by happee_place on June 14, 2008, at 1:49:58
Hi Happee_Place - Welcome. I'm newish here myself. But been around long enough to know it's a great support.
You sound like you're in a really rough place right now. Don't beat yourself up -- you are not the one who's messing up. Remember your kids love you.
(These are things I tell myself to get through the day.)
Hope you'll post again.
BSD
Posted by happee_place on June 14, 2008, at 11:00:23
In reply to Re: **Freaking Terrified**, posted by backseatdriver on June 14, 2008, at 9:50:41
thank you (((((((BSD)))))))). I will continue to post here i have been doing a lot of reading and realize its a wonderful support!! I think its brilliant to have this here because only people with these issues truly understand! You can tell your best friends you struggle with depression and they will listen but wont know what to say which only makes you feel worse.
Im grateful i stumbled on this i think i googled lamictal and thats how i found it!!
Would like to hear from you too. How long have you been posting here?
Posted by Poet on June 14, 2008, at 11:37:30
In reply to **Freaking Terrified**, posted by happee_place on June 14, 2008, at 1:49:58
Hi Happee Place,
Welcome to Babble. I've been posting for over four years and babble has gotten me through more than one crisis.
I'm bulimic so I totally understand your hating weight gain from the new med. Can you talk to your doctor about switching back to Wellbutrin (even if it makes you short tempered?)
It sounds to me like there are some major anxiety provoking events in your life right now from the weight gain to your husband's behavior. Can you think of any diversions to try to distract you? I watch movies, usually comedies that don't require a whole lot of concentration.
Let us know how you're doing.
Poet
Posted by Phillipa on June 14, 2008, at 12:39:03
In reply to Re: **Freaking Terrified** » happee_place, posted by Poet on June 14, 2008, at 11:37:30
Welcome Happee you have so much going on. I think keep posting here as the posters are so friendly and understanding. Maybe post about the meds on the med board also?Just a thought. I'm sorry life is so rough right now. Love Phillipa
Posted by happee_place on June 15, 2008, at 1:49:00
In reply to Re: **Freaking Terrified**, posted by Phillipa on June 14, 2008, at 12:39:03
thank you guys i am really happy to be here - that is one possitive!! And yes i will talk to my dr on Monday. Im going to ask him to keep me on lamictal and add back my wellb. My husband and i are back to 'normal' today (the 2 day mark was today) and he started joking with me again trying to make me smile. It helps to distract my depression but makes my digress unblievably. When he is at work and things are quiet again and my head starts spinning again i cant help but feel so disrespected and low that my emotions are too much for him to talk through, and it makes more sense to him to pretend that nothing is wrong, go on with life and this will take care of itself? Seems so in-humane? How can he live with himself? Does he really lay down at night and think 'few glad she is normal again' - because i put on a show for him.
I dont think these are good ingredients for a long lasting marriage. And certainly not the right ingredients for a person who has had anorexia and a history of depression.
Thank you for sharing you are bulimic. Im sorry you have to deal with that i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Knowing that makes me feel even more comfortable here knowing ppl understand me.
thanx for all of your support
Posted by backseatdriver on June 15, 2008, at 12:59:22
In reply to Re: **Freaking Terrified**, posted by happee_place on June 14, 2008, at 11:00:23
halloooo again --
Been posting here maybe a month or so. It is a wonderful community.
I was on Wellbutrin for a while. It even helped me quit smoking. I liked it a lot.
Oops kid just walked in - gotta run
BSD
Posted by sassyfrancesca on June 19, 2008, at 15:36:33
In reply to **Freaking Terrified**, posted by happee_place on June 14, 2008, at 1:49:58
I am so sorry, sweetie: have you thought about getting into therapy? First for yourself, and then with your husband.
Things won't get better on their own.....hugs and welcome....Sassy
Posted by daveuk08 on June 25, 2008, at 15:56:14
In reply to **Freaking Terrified**, posted by happee_place on June 14, 2008, at 1:49:58
Hi like you , I`m new here. Unlike many of the wonderful friends (I say friends because we are made so welcome) I`ve got to know here I`m not on any meds as such, nor am I seeing a Pdoc, I`m here because my late girlfriend used this site.
I must admit that after reading about your wo`s, I`m absolutly horrified,You say you are 9yrs older than your husband, and if you started your family in 2003, your children can only be around 3 & 4. Firstly I would suggest no more E`s,think of your children, and remember children don`t ask to be born, so say this to your husband the two of you brought them into this world, so you both need to sit and work things out. You need to be there for each other for the sake of the children.If you can`t sit and talk,then my advise is to get councelling. As for the prescribed drugs you are on I can`t comment,as I know nothing about them. But One thing I do know is honesty, that means to be honest with others you have to be honest with yourself, what I am saying is, go see your doc,be totally honest with him/her,tell them Exactly what is going on in your life, your worries and fears, make them listen, tell them about the problems that your`re having with your present medication, but most of all remember you have two young children that need you,I know from what you`ve wrote they are your main concern,and I know you`ll pull through this.
A good saying I was told years ago was
"never worry
never care
never gets
you anywhere.
Tomorrows another day".
(sh*t happens)I hope this helps, and I wish you luck.
Keep us informed.Daveuk08
Posted by happee_place on June 27, 2008, at 1:04:21
In reply to Re: **Freaking Terrified**, posted by sassyfrancesca on June 19, 2008, at 15:36:33
thankyou so much for caring. I really do want to go to therapy but im scared. I used to be so open to this idea and was so sick of the one that made everything happen ya know. So i put the ball in my husbands court and he did NOTHING with it so now after soooo long of waiting for it, waiting for him to even say babe i have an idea lets....and still NOTHING i think i finally learned to build a wall. And now when i think of therapy theres something in me that says **CK IT.
And now there is so much sh*t i have swept under the carpet i dont want to look anymore it seems like too much effort and especially because if i do look and then open up all these feelings again and i get NOTHING again it will be like pouring salt on a opened (reopened) wound. I know i need to do something but this is where im stuck.
Dave thank you im really glad you are posting here. I think i recognize you from some very sad posts here and if its you im so glad you are here with us and posting. Thank you for your kind words. I do love my sweet babies so much. they mean the world to me.
This is the end of the thread.
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