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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 9, 2008, at 0:19:41
I've never come out on the boards officially as being a psychologist before. I have wavered over this for the greater part of a year.
What will people think?
How will they treat me differently?
Won't they judge me for not having my own sh*t under control?
How can they trust me?
I have always appreciated your insights and have learned SO much from "being in the trenches" and seeing the therapeutic relationship evolve in all of its diversity.
Also, feeling so isolated and stigmatized in my own field has been very distressing at times. I wonder what my colleagues would think if they knew that I took more psychmeds than the clientele? It's nice to have a core group of folks that are with me in this whirlwind of therapy and psychiatric treatments.
The shame that comes from having messy meltdowns and hospitalizations.
The injustice I perceive from having to deal with the usual challenges AND my own stuff (present and past).
Thank you for your support. Maybe at a future date I'll be open to critiques too.
Have I betrayed your trust by posting as some regular poster? that was never my intent, but I do apologize.
-Ll
Posted by Daisym on August 9, 2008, at 0:57:03
In reply to Thank you all, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 9, 2008, at 0:19:41
Huh. I guess I thought you'd been pretty open about your training. But it doesn't really matter. You come here as a hurting person and slowly reveal all different aspects of yourself. I think that is what we all do. And lots of people here have professional abilitites they talk about and then not so much. It is a given that we never can do for ourselves what we can do for others.
And no, I don't think you have to have your sh&t together, completely and forever, to be a really good therapist. Have you ever read anything from Annie Rogers? - she is one of my favorite writers. "A Shining Affliction" touches me very deeply every time I read it. She is a therapist and a gifted one but struggles with her illness. Other books that I like that are written by therapists struggling with their own sh*T - "Undercurrents" and "An Unquiet Mind."
You are so not alone, honey. Give yourself a break.
Posted by jammerlich on August 9, 2008, at 1:15:41
In reply to Thank you all, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 9, 2008, at 0:19:41
> Have I betrayed your trust by posting as some regular poster?
You ARE a regular poster, no matter your career. Do YOU feel you're somehow different?
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 9, 2008, at 8:06:38
In reply to Re: Thank you all » llurpsienoodle, posted by jammerlich on August 9, 2008, at 1:15:41
> > Have I betrayed your trust by posting as some regular poster?
>
> You ARE a regular poster, no matter your career. Do YOU feel you're somehow different?
>
>I don't *feel* like a different poster. I just feel like a strange person- a cardiac surgeon who eats BigMacs and weighs 300lbs. Marked, somehow by this "condition" as my h calls it. Waiting to be found out and revealed. -Ll
Posted by indigogal on August 9, 2008, at 9:12:02
In reply to Thank you all, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 9, 2008, at 0:19:41
Hi Llurpsie... I have only posted on here a few times before, but read the site with interest regularly. I am also a T in therapy and can relate to a lot of the stuff you wrote (and my T is also a T in therapy-- one of the few self-disclosures she's made). I initially had a VERY difficult time being "on the other side of the couch" and allowing myself to be vulnerable... I still sometimes do. I know she says things once in awhile that she wouldn't say to a non-T client, and once in a while I ask her a mentor-like question (she's been practicing a few years longer than me)... But in general our relationship is quite defined as therapist and client. She's never talked to me about other clients though, I think that would make me uncomfortable. I think I'd feel kind of hurt personally if she described our relationship as a supervisor/supervisee relationship... and that would also make me feel like she saw me more as a colleague than a client. Which in a way I would like, but in another way I know would be problematic for me (b/c for so long- and even sometimes now- that's how I want her to see me! but i know it's not helpful therapeutically). Sooo... my strong suggestion for you would be to put it all out there. Which it sounds like you already have, by leaving your T that voicemail. So brave! Let your T know what you need and what isn't working for you, and see if anything changes... I really hope he's able to hear where you're coming from and make the necessary changes so he can better help you. Hugs, Llurpsie!
Posted by Phillipa on August 9, 2008, at 11:10:23
In reply to Re: Thank you all, posted by indigogal on August 9, 2008, at 9:12:02
Li earlier on the other thread as just read them you mentioned something about T' s for T's I have heard of docs going to treatment in hospitals just for docs so there must be T's for T's. Phillipa
Posted by Midnightblue on August 9, 2008, at 12:21:08
In reply to Thank you all, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 9, 2008, at 0:19:41
LL,
No, you have not betrayed my trust. And you are still "regular" in my book.
MB
Posted by no_rose_garden on August 9, 2008, at 14:13:09
In reply to Thank you all, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 9, 2008, at 0:19:41
> Have I betrayed your trust by posting as some regular poster? that was never my intent, but I do apologize.
>
> -LlI haven't been here too long, but I'm glad you're here and there's nothing to apologize for.
(((Llurpsie)))
Posted by LadyBug on August 9, 2008, at 14:38:17
In reply to Thank you all, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 9, 2008, at 0:19:41
You don't need to apologize to me.
I for one appreciate the fact that you do have a background in psychology and you are also human.You have hurts and frustrations just as we all do. Does being who you are in real life make you exempt from needing some help with the tender parts inside your mind and heart? I don't think so. I have no problems with trusting you.
Having you here is a bonus for us all. You've been a lot of help and I know we are here to help support each other no matter what we are in real life. Thanks for your honesty.
LadyBug
Posted by twinleaf on August 9, 2008, at 14:51:30
In reply to Thank you all, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 9, 2008, at 0:19:41
I think it's really nice that you told us! When you got your doctorate, I was wondering what it was in. I remember doing some not-too-subtle fishing around on the boards trying to see if you would give us a hint. When that wasn't forthcoming, I decided for some reason that you were a neuropsychologist who had both clinical training and research experience. I'm glad to know I wasn't completely wrong!
But, as to the main point, I don't think there's ANY reason to feel badly that you've had difficulties. You may have a bit more than the average amount of emotional difficulties, but you undoubtedly also have more than the average amount of intelligence, strength and resilience. I don't think there's any reason to feel that you are different from anyone else, particularly from colleagues. who, as you get to know them, will undoubtedly show you lots of vulnerable areas.
I think one of the great things about being a psychologist/theraoist is that it offers you the opportunity for a lifetime of growth. As you deal with the problems that your clients present, they are often going to stir up uncomfortable feelings in you. You will be consulting about these things with supervisors, and perhaps having therapy from time to time for the rest of your life. Because I go to a psychoanalyst, I( know a little more about that milieu. Almost every analyst apparently has a training analysis in order to become qualified, and then at least one more complete analysis- usually considered the "real" one, because, once the analysts are qualified, they can dare to talk about the things that are really bothering them! It's almost universal for analysts in training to not quite dare to reveal their true selves, for fear of being disqualified.
Anyway, I think it's great that you are trained in psychology!
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 10, 2008, at 9:30:50
In reply to Re: Thank you all, posted by indigogal on August 9, 2008, at 9:12:02
> Hi Llurpsie... I have only posted on here a few times before, but read the site with interest regularly. I am also a T in therapy and can relate to a lot of the stuff you wrote (and my T is also a T in therapy-- one of the few self-disclosures she's made).
I have always appreciated that my T was authentic. I know that one of his beliefs is that the therapist should be a PERSON, not just some ideal human. He told me in one of our very first sessions that he gets along better with people with unique quirks and neuroses, and that he thinks that people with no problems are f*ck*ng boring (in his words) [my eyebrows raise!]. I know a fair bit about his lifestyle. He came to the coffeeshop where I used to work with his wife one time (that threw me for a loop!), and I often go to his home (office) for sessions. It's been hard to integrate his personhood with his therapist-self, but I've tried really hard.
>I initially had a VERY difficult time being "on the other side of the couch" and allowing myself to be vulnerable... I still sometimes do. I know she says things once in awhile that she wouldn't say to a non-T client, and once in a while I ask her a mentor-like question (she's been practicing a few years longer than me)... But in general our relationship is quite defined as therapist and client. She's never talked to me about other clients though, I think that would make me uncomfortable.
It did at first, but I have been amazed to hear of some very bizarre cases that he's worked on. He has never told me about any case that seems to resemble me, which is good, because I might feel jealous? or something
>I think I'd feel kind of hurt personally if she described our relationship as a supervisor/supervisee relationship... and that would also make me feel like she saw me more as a colleague than a client. Which in a way I would like, but in another way I know would be problematic for me (b/c for so long- and even sometimes now- that's how I want her to see me! but i know it's not helpful therapeutically).
Yes, I'm torn, because I'm just starting out in this field-- I WANT the respect, and to learn from his expertise. I WANT to be able to pretend that all is well. But, deep down, I know that the greater good will come from confronting my own weaknesses, and learning from them. It hurt a LOT to hear him characterize our relationship in this way and makes me think that I've been wasting my time. I dunno. what a mess
>Sooo... my strong suggestion for you would be to put it all out there. Which it sounds like you already have, by leaving your T that voicemail. So brave! Let your T know what you need and what isn't working for you, and see if anything changes... I really hope he's able to hear where you're coming from and make the necessary changes so he can better help you. Hugs, Llurpsie!
thank you so much indigogal-- I hope you'll post more often here. It's great to hear from you
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 10, 2008, at 9:31:56
In reply to Re: Thank you all, posted by Phillipa on August 9, 2008, at 11:10:23
> Li earlier on the other thread as just read them you mentioned something about T' s for T's I have heard of docs going to treatment in hospitals just for docs so there must be T's for T's. Phillipa
Funny thing-- I THOUGHT I had one of those! Maybe our relationship got blurred somehow in the last 6 mos or so. Time to redefine things. yuck.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 10, 2008, at 9:32:57
In reply to Re: Thank you all » llurpsienoodle, posted by Midnightblue on August 9, 2008, at 12:21:08
> LL,
>
> No, you have not betrayed my trust. And you are still "regular" in my book.
>
> MBThanks MB. I'm a person first, and that's how I'd like to be treated :)
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 10, 2008, at 9:34:10
In reply to Re: Thank you all » llurpsienoodle, posted by no_rose_garden on August 9, 2008, at 14:13:09
> > Have I betrayed your trust by posting as some regular poster? that was never my intent, but I do apologize.
> >
> > -Ll
>
> I haven't been here too long, but I'm glad you're here and there's nothing to apologize for.
>
> (((Llurpsie)))Thanks rose, you're so kind. I'm glad you've found babble, and it's been great chatting with you. I hope that you feel better soon, and I'm glad you're here too.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 10, 2008, at 9:39:20
In reply to Re: Thank you all » llurpsienoodle, posted by LadyBug on August 9, 2008, at 14:38:17
> You don't need to apologize to me.
> I for one appreciate the fact that you do have a background in psychology and you are also human.
>I like being human too. Watch out though-- as my post-doc training starts in 2 weeks you may start to see some of my inner nerdliness come out. I might post some different things that I'm learning. 8)
> You have hurts and frustrations just as we all do. Does being who you are in real life make you exempt from needing some help with the tender parts inside your mind and heart? I don't think so. I have no problems with trusting you.
>((((((Ladybug))))))
> Having you here is a bonus for us all. You've been a lot of help and I know we are here to help support each other no matter what we are in real life. Thanks for your honesty.
>
> LadyBugyou're welcome. I guess I have to learn to have more confidence in myself, (as a person and a clinician) and maybe that's something that I can get out of therapy and babble.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 10, 2008, at 9:47:49
In reply to Re: Thank you all » llurpsienoodle, posted by twinleaf on August 9, 2008, at 14:51:30
> I think it's really nice that you told us! When you got your doctorate, I was wondering what it was in. I remember doing some not-too-subtle fishing around on the boards trying to see if you would give us a hint. When that wasn't forthcoming, I decided for some reason that you were a neuropsychologist who had both clinical training and research experience. I'm glad to know I wasn't completely wrong!
Well, I've done bunches of research, and only focusing more on therapy in the last 2 years. Your guess about my PhD was not far off at all (good instinct!) My post-doc has much more focus on techniques and practice of psychotherapy, which is a (daunting?) change of pace for me.
>
> But, as to the main point, I don't think there's ANY reason to feel badly that you've had difficulties. You may have a bit more than the average amount of emotional difficulties, but you undoubtedly also have more than the average amount of intelligence, strength and resilience. I don't think there's any reason to feel that you are different from anyone else, particularly from colleagues. who, as you get to know them, will undoubtedly show you lots of vulnerable areas.
>In the throes of some depressive episode, (or realizing that I've been motormouthing -- with poor judgement-- my way through the last hypomanic 2 weeks) I often think I am alone in my struggles; that I'm the only one ever who has had to deal with these issues. Isolation. But yeah, a lot of colleagues have revealed some type of psychopathology. The field kind of attracts certain folks (gee, I wonder why?)... :)
> I think one of the great things about being a psychologist/theraoist is that it offers you the opportunity for a lifetime of growth. As you deal with the problems that your clients present, they are often going to stir up uncomfortable feelings in you. You will be consulting about these things with supervisors, and perhaps having therapy from time to time for the rest of your life. Because I go to a psychoanalyst, I( know a little more about that milieu. Almost every analyst apparently has a training analysis in order to become qualified, and then at least one more complete analysis- usually considered the "real" one, because, once the analysts are qualified, they can dare to talk about the things that are really bothering them! It's almost universal for analysts in training to not quite dare to reveal their true selves, for fear of
being disqualified.My T has had a lot of analysis and also different forms of therapy over the years, which he is proud of. That makes me happy, since I realize that I don't have to have some devastating diagnosis to gain things from therapy.
-Ll
>
> Anyway, I think it's great that you are trained in psychology!thanks twinleaf-- I appreciate your expertise too :)
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on August 10, 2008, at 15:51:17
In reply to Re: Thank you all » twinleaf, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 10, 2008, at 9:47:49
Hey, I just wanted to say that I can relate to what you say about being "in the biz" and struggling with mental health issues. I am finishing up my PhD in clinical psych (just have to get through internship) and suffered a nasty treatment resistent depression throughout my program. I am (knock on wood) in remission now. The faculty in my program treated my depression like I was making it up or something. When I was too impaired to work on my dissertation they nearly kicked me out of the program. They were awful to me. Not only unethical but also illegal (hello, Americans with Disabilities act!) On top of this, my major professor who was a good man who believed in me, didn't believe in using medication to treat mental illness at ALL (including psychosis!) So, being a walking pharmacy, I always felt funny around him. So, I say all this by way of saying that I too have struggled with my illness and professional identity. My program made me feel like I was defective for having this problem. Thankfully,
I have had good T's who have helped repair that wound.Honestly, my biggest fear is that I'm going to have a client talking about their depression and I'll start to cry b/c I can remember feeling so awful. It hasn't happened yet, but I have felt a little choked up when people are describing their experiences with depression and saying no one understands. I wish I could say to them that I understand! I've been there! It is an intense experience.
Sorry this is so rambling, but I just wanted to reach out to you and say that I can relate. It's exciting to have another psychologist around here! :)
Best,
EE
Posted by fayeroe on August 10, 2008, at 15:55:02
In reply to Thank you all, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 9, 2008, at 0:19:41
You are a regular "girl" to me and I really do treasure your friendship! No worries or concerns here! Pat
Posted by daveuk08 on August 15, 2008, at 13:31:54
In reply to Thank you all, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 9, 2008, at 0:19:41
Hey Llurpsi,
you`ve just shown every one here that we come from all walks of life,I wonder how many of us,(not only on this site but others to)are in professions of authority,and go about doing there buisiness,but like you and others are on meds.
The one thing I do know about you,and I`m sure others will agree,is that you bring a lot of life and humor here,and put a lot of smiles on our faces.Just keep making us smile.
Dave=(^!^)=
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 15, 2008, at 19:10:11
In reply to Re: Thank you all, posted by Emily Elizabeth on August 10, 2008, at 15:51:17
Hi EE,
I only told 3 people in grad school-- my advisor, and my 2 best friends. Of course, it certainly wasn't made any easier by everyone gossiping about the devastating depression that a bipolar professor was struggling with. I felt every bit of the stigma and shame as if *I* was a target of every disparaging remark made about the bipolar professor.thanks for your kind words, and it's nice to meet you (I think I've posted to you a while ago, maybe it's been over a year?-- but my memory sucks, so I could easily be mistaken)
Oh, that's another thing that's so hard about being a student with depression- the cognitive effects. As if it weren't enough to have NO motivation and horrible self-esteem, it's hard to read, or speak, or write and concentrate.
I wish you all the best as you finish up your internship! you should post some on /students/ it's a great board
thanks again
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 15, 2008, at 19:12:05
In reply to Re: Thank you all » llurpsienoodle, posted by fayeroe on August 10, 2008, at 15:55:02
(((((Pat)))))
Thanks for your support. I have really struggled with this for a long time. I had so many worries. It's nice to be friends with you too :)
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 15, 2008, at 19:18:07
In reply to Re: Thank you all » llurpsienoodle, posted by daveuk08 on August 15, 2008, at 13:31:54
> Hey Llurpsi,
>
> you`ve just shown every one here that we come from all walks of life,I wonder how many of us,(not only on this site but others to)are in professions of authority,**yikes!!!**
>and go about doing there buisiness,but like you and others are on meds.
> The one thing I do know about you,and I`m sure others will agree,is that you bring a lot of life and humor here,and put a lot of smiles on our faces.
>
> Just keep making us smile.
>
>
> Dave=(^!^)=Thanks Dave, I really needed to hear something positive. It's been a tough week. I made some errors at work, and have been kind of scattered and unfocused. You make me smile too-- how are you feeling today?
I love this site because we are all so different, yet have a respect for humanity. It's amazing to learn from so many different people, and to find that we are not alone. Mental illness is hard enough, but when we feel isolated and unsupported, it can be devastating. (That, and I've become a psychopharmacology nerd-- which is a fun, quirky "hobby" I suppose)
-Ll
This is the end of the thread.
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