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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on October 10, 2008, at 17:27:00
Because I didn't want to contaminate this by associating it with the other.
I told my therapist I had longed for days to come to his office and curl up by his feet and lean my head against my knees. I've used this imagery before, so it's not unfamiliar to him. A while later I asked if he would mind if I did that. He smiled and said no, if I wanted to do that it would be fine.
And of course I didn't. I told him the logistics would be difficult and the awkwardness might mess up a very reassuring fantasy.
I'm pretty sure he knew that this would be the result. He smiled and gravely responded that that would be an issue.
He knows me so very well. He didn't mess up the fantasy or make me want it more by refusing me. He just made it an even more safe and reassuring fantasy.
It might have been fun to start to sit on the floor though, to see what he did. lol.
Hmmm... this time I might be a bit shocked with myself for putting him on the spot like that. That was a very forward thing for me to do, to move from expressing the desire to asking if he'd mind if I did it. That must have just blurted out because I generally make sure I don't trespass.
Posted by Nadezda on October 10, 2008, at 18:12:26
In reply to I had to start a new thread., posted by Dinah on October 10, 2008, at 17:27:00
It is so interesting that you actually asked. It makes both your T and your wishes much more affirmative-seeming.. You say that he made the wishes safer-- but really it was a collaboration between both of you. Maybe you accept your needs and wishes as less frightening or potentially destructive-- and know intuitively how to make the distinctions that you need at this moment between the ones that can and should be acted upon, and the ones that are better left phantasies. And therefore, can keep them vital possiblities?
It's funny how things that you do without even being aware that anything's different, can suddenly reveal a slight (or a great) change in perspective.
It must change things, too, that your T trusted you to -- and that he was able to say yes. I find that so remarkable-- that he did say yes, and would have let you go, if you had chosen to-- even though he sensed that you wouldn't.
I do wonder what he would do, though?? How tempted were you to go? do you think you might someday?
As many others have said, you have such a remarkable relationship with your T.. You're so lucky to found someone with whom you could create something so positive, which you've kept growing and shaping together over time. It's rare to find that sort of rapport and reciprocity--as well as to make as much of it as you have..
Nadezda
Posted by Dinah on October 10, 2008, at 18:44:57
In reply to Re: I had to start a new thread. » Dinah, posted by Nadezda on October 10, 2008, at 18:12:26
I know his saying yes was a reflection of the fact that he understands so well exactly what I do and don't want from him.
I have no desire to do it in anything other than fantasy and metaphor. I have the same mental images sometimes of sitting next to the window in his office and gazing out. That one I have indulged, and the fact is that his floor just isn't that comfortable, it's hard to gracefully sit and stand, and the window isn't the right distance from the floor to make it satisfying. It is a good metaphor, but fails in implementation.
Most good fantasies are far better than their fulfillment would be. :)
I'm not sure why I crossed that boundary I've set for myself today. And I'm not sure if he put any thought into his reply, or if it was an acknowledgment of sorts that I had done something I don't normally do.
He always tells me that I'm not very good at accepting grace. I think that most probably it was an act of grace on his part, and that this time I did accept it without discounting it. Even if my acceptance wasn't literal.
But... Well it's also probable that he figured a person who wouldn't take off her shoes to curl up on his sofa would be unlikely to curl up at his feet, so since we were having a rather playful session it would be safe to answer in a way to keep that mood alive.
I do know how lucky I am though. I suppose someone looking at it without knowing our history could see a red flag boundary issue. But to be able to maintain the important boundaries as really firmly as we both do, while still achieving a fair degree of intimacy and reciprocity. Well, that took a heck of a lot of work and even more good luck. And I suppose it had a lot to do with who he is, and even more to do with who I am in that I'm not a woman, and he doesn't make the mistake of thinking I am.
Posted by DAisym on October 10, 2008, at 21:35:07
In reply to Re: I had to start a new thread. » Nadezda, posted by Dinah on October 10, 2008, at 18:44:57
I love this. :)
I often have the fantasy of sitting on the floor in the corner, all curled up. I can't right now - I'm still struggling with the injury, but I certainly kick off my shoes and curl up on the couch when I'm able.
I've stolen your idea, I have to admit. When he asks me what I want to do, I often say I want to wrap myself around his knees and stay put. Or I want to sit under his desk and hide out. He is kind enough not to mention that I wouldn't fit very well. I do refer to myself in "barnacle mode" wanting to cling tightly. He likes that expression.
I think your therapist is pretty clever. Nothing to push against, having to hold yourself and your own boundaries. Watch for small displays of nerves though - you seem to be growing bolder these days. :)
Posted by Dinah on October 10, 2008, at 22:43:38
In reply to Re: I had to start a new thread. » Dinah, posted by DAisym on October 10, 2008, at 21:35:07
I *am* growing bolder!
Or maybe I'm thinking less. Not considering what I say before I say it.
The funny thing is that I think I end up catapulted just as far by his method of nonresistance as I would with a more direct push. Only I end up happier about it.
It seems that while my general trend is to feel independent for longer and longer periods of time, I also have weeks or maybe months where I feel as clingy as I ever have.
This is the end of the thread.
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