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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 6, 2008, at 13:02:44
As I've been writing here, I'm in the middle of a PTSD outburst as the result of some suddenly recovered memories of CSA that I experienced 35 years ago.
My husband heard of this as he sat next to me in a taxicab and I spoke with my therapist, telling her what had happened. (We were out of town the morning after the memory had belched, fully formed, during a womens' support group that I'm in. All I had done at that time was sob, but I put a call in to my T and she and I had an incredibly awkward conversation that next day.)
Since that time, my PTSD has been pretty bad. Terrible temper, bad headaches, severe backaches, disrupted sleep with nightmares, unable to hold my thoughts, increased depression, much worse than usual anxiety, a sudden return of panic attacks - in short, I've quickly become a mess. My T asked me to see my pdoc and I'm just starting on an adjusted medication regime, and trying to deal with the headaches and back pain in the best way I can. I'm going to try to work with a trusted yoga instructor starting next week whom I respect a great deal.
But my husband doesn't get this whole PTSD thing - he knows about the trauma, but can't understand how I can suddenly be suffering now, all of a sudden. It's all I can do to tell him when I'm not doing well ("my back is really hurting," "my head is really bad," "I'm not having a good day,") - and I know it's not that he doesn't care. I showed him the book that I'm working with and how difficult I'm finding it at times, and his response was to just drop the subject entirely.
I find that I have no patience and am getting really upset in trying to explain myself to him. I'm also feeling super guilty - I'm feeling, in the pit of my stomach, that OF COURSE I should be over this, and OF COURSE if this is hurting, then I should stop working on it. And I'm directing all the conflict and anger I'm feeling about how crappy I feel right at my husband, who truly does not deserve any of this.
I don't want to hurt him. I'm hurting myself right now. I really, really want to crawl under a rock right now. So discouraged.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on November 6, 2008, at 14:01:12
In reply to My husband doesn't get it, posted by Partlycloudy on November 6, 2008, at 13:02:44
My suggestion would be to stop explaining. Your husband doesn't understand, and never will, sweetie.....just give him the bare facts: I am not feeling well.....whatever.
You will just continue to frustrate yourself and feel worse.
Use the KISS principle: (Keep It Simple, Silly)
No, you shouldn't be "over it." You cannot help it ..Feelings are facts.
Hugs and Love, Sassy
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 6, 2008, at 14:47:07
In reply to Re: My husband doesn't get it » Partlycloudy, posted by sassyfrancesca on November 6, 2008, at 14:01:12
oh husbands...
Well, we can speculate WHY he's reacting the way he is, but really the important thing is to focus on understanding yourself. H will find a way to understand things on his own terms, using his own senses. He has his own filters and defense mechanisms and what not.
I like SassyF's ideas about this stuff. Maybe one thing you could explain a little bit is specific things he can do to help (the KISS idea) "honey- I need you to do some housework today, because my head and back are aching and I've got zero energy"
I'm sorry that you're feeling so discouraged. You are NOT the same person that you were back then. This time around, you are able to ask for help, and there are people there who are listening. Your caring therapeutic team ( I LOVE your approach of recruiting such a diverse group of helping professionals) and your husband, who has a deep well of good intentions. And babblefolks. And friends, and kitty, and many many other sources of support.
Depression is such a devastating condition. It robs us of all self-compassion and optimism. self-directed cruelty. I wish I could help you see all the evidence that you are special, thoughtful, sensitive, caring, warm, pretty, funny, original, intelligent. But me just saying these things are likely to bounce off your ego, rather than sticking to it. But just because they won't stick doesn't mean that they're not true.
Be gentle with yourself. The reason why you are feeling the way you feel is because it's the best job you can do, the best solution you've been able to come up with to a very very difficult set of circumstances
thinking of you,
gentle plush hugs
-Ll
Posted by DAisym on November 6, 2008, at 16:05:31
In reply to Re: My husband doesn't get it » sassyfrancesca, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 6, 2008, at 14:47:07
It won't be just your husband - most people have trouble understand the devastating effects of something that happened more than 30 years ago. And honestly, if I'd not had it happen to me, I wouldn't completely get how very REAL it feels right now - like it just happened. Stored trauma reasserts itself like a hammer but it is a hard concept to really wrap your mind around.
So I agree - stop explaining.
But I have a tough question for you - and I'm asking out of friendship and concern - Why are you still working with the book right now if it is making you so much worse? Because I'm here to tell you that no matter what you do, you can't hurry the process. You must guard your life and resources from being completely destroyed by this stage. For many of us, that means titrating the memory and the work. And it occurs to me to worry that you might also be punishing yourself (sub-consciously) because you are not over all this - and perhaps for those things that we all say to ourselves, "how could I have let that happen? How could I not have told after?" etc. etc. And this whole thing has another layer for you since he didn't just hurt you.
I'm worried about you. Please take it slow and careful.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 6, 2008, at 16:56:16
In reply to Re: My husband doesn't get it, posted by DAisym on November 6, 2008, at 16:05:31
>
> But I have a tough question for you - and I'm asking out of friendship and concern - Why are you still working with the book right now if it is making you so much worse? Because I'm here to tell you that no matter what you do, you can't hurry the process. You must guard your life and resources from being completely destroyed by this stage. For many of us, that means titrating the memory and the work. And it occurs to me to worry that you might also be punishing yourself (sub-consciously) because you are not over all this - and perhaps for those things that we all say to ourselves, "how could I have let that happen? How could I not have told after?" etc. etc. And this whole thing has another layer for you since he didn't just hurt you.
>
> I'm worried about you. Please take it slow and careful.
> Hugs,
> DaisyI haven't touched the book for several days now. Thanks for your concern - but I took everyone's cautions quite seriously; listened to what my screaming muscles and aching head are telling me and am backing off for now until I get these symptoms under control. My therapist is looking into local CSA groups that I might be able to participate in.
I have a very vivid sense, though, that this is something, that once having started, I'm going to be working through - at whatever pace I'm able to - until I reach a peace of some kind.I'm not forcing myself to do any work that my body is telling me (is it ever telling me!) that I'm not ready to do. I made the analogy of feeling like a bird with a broken wing, that needs to be held tenderly and firmly, so that it doesn't batter itself against its cage and injure itself further. That's pretty much where I am right now.
I'm waiting for the medication changes to work their magic, if there is such a thing. I'm utterly miserable at not being able to be understood by my partner in my life. I guess it's something (yet something else, thank you god) to be withstood. And I don't feel the least bit resilient enough for this part of the challenge. Some refuge would be appreciated.
And now - I think I really WILL go crawl under my rock.
Posted by seldomseen on November 6, 2008, at 17:10:41
In reply to Re: My husband doesn't get it » DAisym, posted by Partlycloudy on November 6, 2008, at 16:56:16
"I made the analogy of feeling like a bird with a broken wing, that needs to be held tenderly and firmly, so that it doesn't batter itself against its cage and injure itself further. That's pretty much where I am right now."
That's a GREAT analogy for CSA memory and processing. It's perfect. You're scared out of your mind, you hurt and you just to be anywhere else. I get that.
Your husband may never get it, but that's not your concern right now. It would be FANTASTIC if he could come on board, but he may not. Sigh.
This is a lonely road we travel, but there are those who have traveled it before and those who are on that road just a little ahead of you.
Rest your head as best you can, we understand. We will support you.
Peace and love to you.
Seldom.
Posted by antigua3 on November 6, 2008, at 17:53:11
In reply to My husband doesn't get it, posted by Partlycloudy on November 6, 2008, at 13:02:44
Mine doesn't get it, or I should say, refuses to get it. He wants no details, doesn't want to talk about it all. I think he's ashamed of me because he selfishly thinks it's a reflection on him. My T and pdoc say we have to bring him in to talk, but I'm not ready for that.
My husband has always been my rock, but not when it comes to this. It's a lonely path, except for friends on babble, because even friends can be so shocked and suddenly become "unavailable." This is something I didn't know--one of the devastating side effects for me w/CSA. The world doesn't want to hear about it.You have to be so very careful in deciding who to tell.
I don't know what else to say, except to reiterate what others have said: take it slow and take care of yourself. I know you're being flooded right now, and it's important to find a way to deal with just little parts at a time, and not to get overwhelmed. I've had some serious meltdowns from getting too far into it until I was better prepared for it.
You seem to be taking care of yourself. Please continue to do so, and don't punish yourself (I see a little of that too).
You have many, many friends here, so know that we're all here for you.
antigua
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 6, 2008, at 18:06:10
In reply to My husband doesn't get it, posted by Partlycloudy on November 6, 2008, at 13:02:44
Aww, PartlyCloudy,
I wish I could just make you a cup of peppermint tea and we could watch snowflakes from inside a pretty cabin.But under a rock will do, in a pinch. Not quite as cozy or scenic, though.
(okay. that's my lamea$$ attempt at a joke)
Well, I suck at being a cheerleader. Really.
I just wanted to say something comforting. But words are a failure to express some ideas.
Sometimes we are faced with a choice -- are we ready to disclose something in therapy this week?-- and other times things feel forced upon us. To me, it sounds like your PTSD experiences feel intrusive, largely out of your control, and terrifying. I have had those feelings before. It's very scary to confront one's own mind, to challenge the flashbacks and assert your survival. You may not feel ready, or strong, but you WILL be able to work through things.
My first T told me that progress and process is non-linear. It was probably the most useful thing he ever left me with. You feel discouraged, but it doesn't mean that you're not doing anything helpful, and it doesn't mean that you're doing the wrong things, or that you're unable to make it through these challenges. There are sometimes when things move ahead very quickly and other times when nothing is working, or so it seems.
I felt sad when I read how hard things are right now for you. It's unfair that you have been doing all the right things to heal your broken wing, but that you still have to wait for it to heal. It's really difficult to WAIT for freaking meds to kick in. To wait for your unfolding narrative. To wait for your pain to be eased. I mean, what are you supposed to be doing in the meanwhile? I just wish I knew how to help you right now, while you're in transit to the rock.
Maybe hibernation is not such a bad idea?
Honestly, I don't know how the hell I survived and coped with active PTSD symptoms. I thought I was losing my MIND, and I started to wonder what the hell would happen to me if I couldn't make sense of things anymore. It's unfair that I had to retool my attitudes and reactions, just because stuff happened to me. Sometimes I'm pissed off, and other times, I'm just sad, or in denial that it affects me. What the hell does "working through it" mean, anyways??? That's what I always wondered. It's not like there's a finish line, or a blood test to tell you when you're all done. I alternate between outrage and depression.
Well, I got no good solutions, otherwise I would have figured things out already. *I* sure would feel better if I could help you in some way. But that's beside the point.
Lacking solutions, I can only offer my optimism and support, and my admiration. My regards your significant steps forward, and my confidence that things progress even when they appear to stagnate.
I appear to be talking out of my a*s. yep. I struggle to express my sincere wish that you feel better, and that you not be so hard on yourself.
When you're trying to select an appropriate rock, sniff them. I left you some peppermint tea. Yeah, and a big fat snoring cat-- I'm loaning her to you for the time being. She's my "Gentle Giant".
-Ll
Posted by DAisym on November 6, 2008, at 20:49:12
In reply to sorry- earlier post for partlyc. this one also » Partlycloudy, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 6, 2008, at 18:06:10
I know this sounds lame but I completely agree with Lurpsie about the cat. (well everything she said but especially the cat.) Racer told me a long time ago that when I was feeling really bad to drag my kitty into my lap and just feel his weight and let him purr and absorb his healing properties. He makes feel less alone.
I highly recommend Cat therapy.
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 6, 2008, at 20:54:28
In reply to cats, posted by DAisym on November 6, 2008, at 20:49:12
I'd like to add that dogs do the same thing. I don't have a dog and have never been a dog person, but my friend has a wonderful "dumpster" dog with three legs. That little guy is the best therapy I've had lately. Last week, when I was so put out with my house situation and my T was gone (again), I hung out at her house and the wonder dog would crawl up next to me and rest his little body next to my hip. It did me more good than I can express.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 6, 2008, at 22:14:20
In reply to Re: cats (and dogs), posted by TherapyGirl on November 6, 2008, at 20:54:28
Yeah, husbands don't always get it. but pets?
There's something there.
They're low-calorie too.
Okay, sorry for the diversion... I had better stop before I begin to wax poetic about the kitten "turbo-possum"
((((((((PartlyCloudy)))))))))
I hope you can get some nice sleep tonight
-Ll
Posted by seldomseen on November 7, 2008, at 3:03:10
In reply to cats, posted by DAisym on November 6, 2008, at 20:49:12
I'm a big advocate of pet therapy myself and have collected quite a menagerie - I call them the domestic mob. Plus I volunteer with animals - a GREAT distraction from the suckiness that can be my life.
While I love me some cats and dogs, I'm especially fond of my guinea pig. They are small, warm and cuddly and just outright hilarious!
Seldom.
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 7, 2008, at 10:15:13
In reply to Re: cats (and dogs), posted by llurpsienoodle on November 6, 2008, at 22:14:20
My cat particularly loves me when I'm feeling unlovable. She does her thing, sitting slightly behind and beside me on the sofa, purring as loudly as she can, straining for a scritch around her ears, which really grosses me out but I oblige because she's just so blissed out by it. If the weather is cooler (as it blessedly has been lately), then she becomes a lap magnet. Any time I sit or lie down, she's right there. She's a bit (a bit?) odd in that she won't stand for being touched while she's doing the kneading thing, but insists on it once she's curled up, bumping my hand if I slow down or, heaven forbid, stop for a second if my fingers cramp up.
Kitty love, it's the bestest.
I slept really, really well last night.
I went to a yoga class this morning, and the reading during shirvasana was about being able to feel the love and compassion of the universe, even as we have experienced trauma and abandonment in our lives. I cried quietly with enormous gratitude for the gift that was waiting for me in that yoga class, just when I was ready to claim it. How entirely amazing. A little bit of healing - for my soul, for my body - exactly when I needed it the mostest.
Posted by frida on November 7, 2008, at 15:38:53
In reply to Re: cats, dogs, guinea pigs...., posted by seldomseen on November 7, 2008, at 3:03:10
I totally agree :-)
I love cats and dogs and I have a dog at home...but also two adorable guinea pigs that make me laugh and have helped me greatly. They are just so vulnerable and so loving once you gain their trust...
love
Frida
Posted by Phillipa on November 8, 2008, at 13:03:38
In reply to Re: cats, dogs, guinea pigs.... » seldomseen, posted by frida on November 7, 2008, at 15:38:53
You guys seen admin? Love Phillipa my pups are my babies.
This is the end of the thread.
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